I Miss Being In Love

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP’s husband could be intimidated by his wife’s sexual openness and does not know how to go about it.

OP, does he give you oral? We men love it when our women get turn on when we give them head. It could be an easy new thing for him to try if he is not doing it already.

Op — He says going down on me makes his jaw sore. I kid you not. There were years when we had little sex and he seemed fine masturbating. Ugh, who am I kidding? The sex is hopeless.

Does he expect oral?

He loves it and I love going down. My desire feeds off my partner’s responses, but his desire seems very one-sided. I’ve cut off the oral as part of having more respect for myself. He’s not putting himself out to please me, so he can get the routine in and out and move on. He seems totally fine with that.

[Anonymous]

I feel your pain and loneliness through your words. I’m sorry, it definitely seems sad to feel so lonely. It definitely seems like you’re trying to find joy and excitement in other things but are still feeling empty. I worry that you’re chasing the excitement of new love and that even if you found someone else you would find yourself bored again after some years. Long marriages can wax and wane. Could this just be a rough patch and you go to therapy on your own to figure out why so bored/lonely and how to cope.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Simple solution. Next time he asks for sex deny him. Keep denying him until he realizes that something is not right. At that point explain to him how unhappy you are and how you feel under appreciated and not loved enough. When a woman tells her man that he is not showing enough love it affects him deeply. We will push back on many things, but a sad wife telling us that we are not showing her enough love somehow affect us and get us to listen.

We went a year having sex maybe 5 times and he never complained. I’m not sure he’s wired like most people. Sex seems nice, but not necessary to him while sex is a basic bodily need for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, I think you’re me. And possibly every married woman I know.

I very much identify with your feelings of hopelessness. Wanting to scream because I don’t want to just go through the motions of life. I actually insisted on therapy because I just couldn’t imagine doing this for 30 years. I felt trapped and the things that would go through my head as I thought about how to get out scared me.

We are in therapy so I’m grateful that he is willing to try. But I’ve also come to realize how different we are as people. I want to grow and I think he’s most comfortable with structure and routine.

Therapy has only underscored how differently we want to live life.

OP - I really hope you’re wrong, but I don’t know anymore. I used to think my cousin and a friend of mine were the two women I knew in loving, fulfilling marriages. Then my cousin let on that they haven’t had sex in years and my friend filed for divorce suddenly confiding that her hot, fit marine DH is physically abusive. Are fulfilling marriages to men really that rare?

When my daughter asks me what having a bf and being in love is like, I sometimes feel sad she isn’t lesbian.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m not sure how you can remain married to this guy. As a man I’ll say stay married. But 99% of women will tell you to divorce him. I’m really starting to wonder whether women should marry men at all. Don’t get me wrong there are men who get it and keep their wives very happy. However, it just seems to me women want to live fulfilling lives and many men are just happy with boring routines. I’m not a psychologist but I wonder whether this has anything to do with how men and women differ.

Not OP, and significantly happier in my marriage than OP is, but as a woman married to a man, this comment made me both guffaw and tear up a little. Yes! Women want to live fulfilling lives. Why do so many men not (1) also want this, or (2) understand that effort is involved in making it happen? A mystery for the ages.

There are men who want interesting and fulfilling lives. But those men tend not to make good partners. When I dated in my twenties and early thirties I always found that it was one or the other. I met men who were great company, and men who wanted to get married after six months and live a life like OP’s husband.

For women, it doesn’t seem to be an either/or thing.

[Anonymous]

I turned 65 today. There must be something wrong with this new generation of men. The women have not changed, but the men clearly have. They have become boring and less sexual. Sorry OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does anyone else miss being in love?

I’m a 39 year old mom of 2 married to a good DH for 12 years. On the plus side, he works hard for the family, shares chores, and loves me and our kids. He’s reliable and solid. I don’t worry he’ll cheat or run out on us. On the negative side, he’s overweight (I’m very fit), can be VERY argumentative and complaining, his family is awful to me (interracial couple), and he’s honestly bad in bed (with no improvement despite years of feedback). He also has gross habits — the type of guy who farts, picks his nose, and burps openly. Overall, it’s not perfect, but I can’t make a case for blowing up our lives by leaving.

Nonetheless, I have found myself deeply, achingly lonely and bored for a few years now. I find DH completely unromantic, boring, and stagnant. We share no hobbies or interests. I tried for years to find activities to do together, but he finally admitted he’s not up for trying new things. We have no friends in common and he barely sees his friends. He’s very content going to work, coming home to eat dinner in front of the tv, and going to bed after doing chores. On the weekends, he’s content doing stuff with the kids, eating out once or twice, and watching a lot of tv. He has a depression diagnosis but won’t take meds or go to therapy. He’s content just existing and I don’t begrudge him that, but being married to someone like this is killing me.

I’m not attracted to him anymore, but I have sex with him regularly purely because my sex drive has revved up over my 30s. I’m horny all the time, but the sex absolutely sucks. When I tried to spice up our sex life with extended foreplay, toys, sharing fantasies etc., he said I was acting weird and clammed up until we reverted to the same lame quickies in which he’s finished within minutes.

I’ve thrown myself into parenting, leaned into my job, got a certificate in a tough area of study, taken up new sports, become an avid chef, joined a book club, become politically active, decorated and redecorated our house…all over the past few years. I’m doing all the things alleviate my incredible boredom and loneliness in this marriage, but I still feel so unfulfilled.

I feel as if I’m drowning. Right now, he’s glued to sports on his phone as he eats his second serving of dinner. I just finished working out. I miss passion, excitement, lusting for my significant other, sharing things with each other, exploring life…living! I feel as if I’m just waiting to die. It’s becoming an existential crisis for me as I second guess my life. DH isn’t going to change, but I don’t want to blow up my kids’ lives over my romantic needs. My kids are really happy and have no idea that their do-it-all mom is overcompensating for missing romantic love in her life.

Any advice? Commiseration? It’s a new year and I feel dejected continuing like this.

Could you elaborate a bit more on your interracial relationship. It could be cultural. Perhaps your hubby comes a culture where men act this way.

DH is Jewish (Ashkenazi and born/raised on Northeast, if it matters). I’m a mixed-race second-gen immigrant.

That’s disappointing. I’m Askhi as well and the men are usually not that boring. Many are out of shape but not that outwardly gross and they tend to at least be funny or witty.

[Anonymous]

I absolutely feel you OP. Very similar situation over here down to the fact that I also have 8 more years until the youngest goes to college.

It’s sad and so depressing. It’s gotten to the point that I’m actually jealous of my divorced friends. Because they have the freedom for something new. The thought of doing this for the next 40 years makes me physically sick. And everyone says “but when you are old what if you have nobody?” And I’m over here thinking “so I have to give up 30 more active years in order to have someone at the end?” It just doesn’t seem worth it.

[Anonymous]

I hate having to say this, but you need to figure out how to make life joyful again WITHOUT your DH. I am not advocating cheating on him.

Do you have good friends? Start doing things with them, all the (non-sexual) things you wish your DH would. Go out, try new foods, climb mountains, learn to sail, whatever tickles your fancy. As your kids grow up, they can be a part of your adventures too. IME, you can lead a fulfilling life without a guy in it. You’ll have to take your sexual needs into your own hands. It sounds like it would be an improvement over what you have. Your DH is essentially your roommate; he seems to be okay with that.

[Anonymous]

His habits sound awful and no excuse for being gross. Either that was always there or you ignored it. But sounds disrespectful.

Sex - I wish my girlfriend was like you communicated and be up for doing different things. Your situation sounds like he could change if you used different approaches until you find one that works.

Hobbies - lack thereof. He can’t win here. If he was off with his mates all the time you’d be complaining about how he was not involved in family.

Future - bleak. Divorce is bad but you’re going to run out of projects and some other guy is going to pique your interest at some point. People can suffer in silence but this does not sound viable.

40s and 10 years into a marriage are really tough. Not saying that is exactly your situation but seen it so many times. Unfortunately it sounds like the only thing that might jolt him into your reality is divorce. Every couple is unique so that is my caveat with my generalizations. Maybe you can turn it around OR maybe some of this is not what you think it is.

I wish you well as you sound like a great partner

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a divorced dad currently in therapy. I have learned so much about what women really want and I will be honest I don’t think o will ever be in a relationship again. Women think that what they want from us is simple, but the reality is that it’s not so simple. Keeping a woman happy is hard, really hard. I tip my hat off to men who are doing it.

Op here - Why do you find date nights, foreplay, and trying new things so hard? I’m sincerely baffled. Please explain. I’m desperate to understand DH and men like him better.

In my case stress took over my life. I have a well paid but very demanding and stressful position. And when stressed I tend to withdraw from everyone around me. It went on for years and I only went for therapy when I became severely depressed. By that time it was too late my wife long checked out from the marriage but when I was in my 30s I was more outgoing and sexual. Once I hit 40 I was hit by both stress and low libido. Men don’t do well with stress. We tend to withdraw from those around us. We refuse help until it’s too late. Our wives as result become frustrated and feel less loved.

When it comes to sex what does your husband like? Is he a boobs guy, a butt guy? Knowing his preferences look for sexy outfits that will enhance those features of you that he likes and that may be the trick. Men are very visual. I am a butt guy, sometimes just seeing seeing my wife in yoga pants without underwear on does the trick lol.

Uggg, this is me and my life. I'm the DW, so I don't think gender matters.

[Anonymous]

Honestly OP, grow up. What do you think marriage is for? It’s for exactly what you’re doing now. Not for excitement, newness, novelty, or even good sex. Marriage is for long term stability.

[Anonymous]

https://images.app.goo.gl/7oW2ftc89WDTxmaC9

😭

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly OP, grow up. What do you think marriage is for? It’s for exactly what you’re doing now. Not for excitement, newness, novelty, or even good sex. Marriage is for long term stability.

100%

Sorry Op.

I did date a very adventurous man and the sex was unreal. But as someone up thread pointed out, those men don’t make good husbands.

DH and I are good friends and our sex life is just ok.

Is your DH absolutely unwilling to try anything new? Have you actually tried talking about new things with him, and asked for his input on the situation?

A gratitude journal might go a long way for you.

[Anonymous]

Try marriage counseling. He should at least be able to adjust the sex part.