I am married to a passive, un-masculine man

[Anonymous]

Real men need a woman who doesn’t deep inside resent being a woman. Otherwise it won’t work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I love my husband but he is not like...a man. He does not have a big career or even works outside of the home! He runs a small business and hardly leaves the house. He cooks dinner most nights and does not show any interest in physical fitness or sports. He does not have male friends and he is a recluse.

We have a 3 year old that I know will seek out his father in terms of how to be a man, when the time comes. Is my situation as dire as being a single mom in terms of having role models for our son?

It’s 2023! This is how men are.

He cooks you dinner every night and you are complaining?

It’s a myth that women want docile men. No, they like semi assh**ls so they can have something to complain about.

Women do not want assh***s. They want a kind man who can be assertive and take the lead when appropriate. Probably the same for men.

This sounds like a near unicorn. I could be the OP’s DH (except I’m ambitious in my job) but I’m not assertive anywhere, including the bedroom. I know this limits my appeal but I don’t see how you can compartmentalize your personality to be one way to your spouse and another way to everyone else. I think women each need to decide where they want to be on the docile—toxic masculinity spectrum and accept someone who is consistently that way with everyone.

I hear this and I think it's true for a lot of people, but people's personalities are complex and layered. In our relationship my wife tends to have the final say in most decisions, and I enjoy deferring to her because I like making her happy. But, in bed she and I both like me to be powerful and masculine. Every man is different and every relationship is different. I agree with those who say that this sounds like a compatibility issue that existed before marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Women (or shall I say feminists) want us Men to embrace our emotional side more. They want us to show “positive” emotion, be less toxic (whatever that means, guess soon they will start injecting us with testosterone blockers by force), etc… I don’t know where we are headed. Projecting the toxic behavior or the 1% of men at the top of the patriarchy onto the other 99% of men and declare all of us Toxic just needs to stop.

100x

My wife started tilting at me once trump got into office, everything became about men (and me) keeping women down.

Huh. My wife reacted similarly, but it was about men keeping women down -- not me. She knows I have her back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I love my husband but he is not like...a man. He does not have a big career or even works outside of the home! He runs a small business and hardly leaves the house. He cooks dinner most nights and does not show any interest in physical fitness or sports. He does not have male friends and he is a recluse.

We have a 3 year old that I know will seek out his father in terms of how to be a man, when the time comes. Is my situation as dire as being a single mom in terms of having role models for our son?

It’s 2023! This is how men are.

He cooks you dinner every night and you are complaining?

It’s a myth that women want docile men. No, they like semi assh**ls so they can have something to complain about.

Women do not want assh***s. They want a kind man who can be assertive and take the lead when appropriate. Probably the same for men.

This sounds like a near unicorn. I could be the OP’s DH (except I’m ambitious in my job) but I’m not assertive anywhere, including the bedroom. I know this limits my appeal but I don’t see how you can compartmentalize your personality to be one way to your spouse and another way to everyone else. I think women each need to decide where they want to be on the docile—toxic masculinity spectrum and accept someone who is consistently that way with everyone.

I hear this and I think it's true for a lot of people, but people's personalities are complex and layered. In our relationship my wife tends to have the final say in most decisions, and I enjoy deferring to her because I like making her happy. But, in bed she and I both like me to be powerful and masculine. Every man is different and every relationship is different. I agree with those who say that this sounds like a compatibility issue that existed before marriage.

Unpopular opinion: women who want men to be deferential in the streets but dominant in the sheets are just lazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I love my husband but he is not like...a man. He does not have a big career or even works outside of the home! He runs a small business and hardly leaves the house. He cooks dinner most nights and does not show any interest in physical fitness or sports. He does not have male friends and he is a recluse.

We have a 3 year old that I know will seek out his father in terms of how to be a man, when the time comes. Is my situation as dire as being a single mom in terms of having role models for our son?

It’s 2023! This is how men are.

He cooks you dinner every night and you are complaining?

It’s a myth that women want docile men. No, they like semi assh**ls so they can have something to complain about.

Women do not want assh***s. They want a kind man who can be assertive and take the lead when appropriate. Probably the same for men.

This sounds like a near unicorn. I could be the OP’s DH (except I’m ambitious in my job) but I’m not assertive anywhere, including the bedroom. I know this limits my appeal but I don’t see how you can compartmentalize your personality to be one way to your spouse and another way to everyone else. I think women each need to decide where they want to be on the docile—toxic masculinity spectrum and accept someone who is consistently that way with everyone.

I hear this and I think it's true for a lot of people, but people's personalities are complex and layered. In our relationship my wife tends to have the final say in most decisions, and I enjoy deferring to her because I like making her happy. But, in bed she and I both like me to be powerful and masculine. Every man is different and every relationship is different. I agree with those who say that this sounds like a compatibility issue that existed before marriage.

Unpopular opinion: women who want men to be deferential in the streets but dominant in the sheets are just lazy.

Your opinion is unpopular because it's stupid. Like I said, every couple has its own dynamic. Ours works well for us. That's all it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I love my husband but he is not like...a man. He does not have a big career or even works outside of the home! He runs a small business and hardly leaves the house. He cooks dinner most nights and does not show any interest in physical fitness or sports. He does not have male friends and he is a recluse.

We have a 3 year old that I know will seek out his father in terms of how to be a man, when the time comes. Is my situation as dire as being a single mom in terms of having role models for our son?

It’s 2023! This is how men are.

He cooks you dinner every night and you are complaining?

It’s a myth that women want docile men. No, they like semi assh**ls so they can have something to complain about.

Women do not want assh***s. They want a kind man who can be assertive and take the lead when appropriate. Probably the same for men.

This sounds like a near unicorn. I could be the OP’s DH (except I’m ambitious in my job) but I’m not assertive anywhere, including the bedroom. I know this limits my appeal but I don’t see how you can compartmentalize your personality to be one way to your spouse and another way to everyone else. I think women each need to decide where they want to be on the docile—toxic masculinity spectrum and accept someone who is consistently that way with everyone.

I hear this and I think it's true for a lot of people, but people's personalities are complex and layered. In our relationship my wife tends to have the final say in most decisions, and I enjoy deferring to her because I like making her happy. But, in bed she and I both like me to be powerful and masculine. Every man is different and every relationship is different. I agree with those who say that this sounds like a compatibility issue that existed before marriage.

Unpopular opinion: women who want men to be deferential in the streets but dominant in the sheets are just lazy.

Earlier poster. I don’t think it’s this, it’s that expecting someone to thread a needle of assertive/deferent in different contexts is an expectation of correctly reading social cues. Not everyone can do this without lots of helpful feedback, and DCUM posters seem short on that kind of patience with a mate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You want a real man, but society today frowns on real men, OP. Welcome to the great compromise. This is what women wanted.

Portions of society frown on it.

Enroll your son in tackle football. And then wrestling in the winter. And then lax or baseball in the spring.

Take him somewhere he can learn to fish or hunt.

Real, true masculine men exist. Not the fake masculinity. But the real one. Where men understand their responsibility to the next generation. Where they teach values and self-sufficiency. Where your son learn mental resiliency, toughness, and compassion.

Let your boy be the boy he is, assuming that you're asking bc he's different than his father

My answer would be: MOVE OUT OF THE BIZARRE WASH DC BUBBLE

Real men galore in the other areas and states. They seek work/life balance, are in shape, run businesses, coach kids sports teams, attend professional and kids sports games, BBQ meat and make pies, go to church & brunch every Sunday, spend time with extended family, review their kids’ grades work, maintain the yard and vehicles.

And a little more golf and tailgating before college games.

But otherwise it’s all good.

Lots of double dates too now that the kids are older and can stay home. Going to a speakeasy soon with some neighbors.

[Anonymous]

We all want one of the Kelci brothers. Is there a third one?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honey, it is the ‘20s.

Let your husband be as masculine or feminine as he wants. And you can do the same.

Exactly

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You want a real man, but society today frowns on real men, OP. Welcome to the great compromise. This is what women wanted.

Portions of society frown on it.

Enroll your son in tackle football. And then wrestling in the winter. And then lax or baseball in the spring.

Take him somewhere he can learn to fish or hunt.

Real, true masculine men exist. Not the fake masculinity. But the real one. Where men understand their responsibility to the next generation. Where they teach values and self-sufficiency. Where your son learn mental resiliency, toughness, and compassion.

Let your boy be the boy he is, assuming that you're asking bc he's different than his father

My answer would be: MOVE OUT OF THE BIZARRE WASH DC BUBBLE

Real men galore in the other areas and states. They seek work/life balance, are in shape, run businesses, coach kids sports teams, attend professional and kids sports games, BBQ meat and make pies, go to church & brunch every Sunday, spend time with extended family, review their kids’ grades work, maintain the yard and vehicles.

And a little more golf and tailgating before college games.

But otherwise it’s all good.

Lots of double dates too now that the kids are older and can stay home. Going to a speakeasy soon with some neighbors.

NP. Let's see, here: Sports, more sports (pro AND kids'), grill that meat, loves to work on cars and the yard, and oh boy! He likes to tailgate too and that's...a virtue, I guess?

Could this be more stereotypically macho? I hope this is a sarcastic post.

If not, I do get that this is the Ideal Man for some women, but damn. Not a word about whether he has an intellect (sorry, checking the kids' homework doesn't count) or an emotion beyond Protecting The Family and Loving His Mama. What does this "real man" talk about with his wife other than the kids, the grocery list for the next tailgate party, and when she's next expected to spend time with his extended family?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We all want one of the Kelci brothers. Is there a third one?

The Kelce brothers aren't interested in some middle manager fed obsessing over Larlo's travel lacrosse and a new kitchen for the colonial in Arlington.

[Anonymous]

Well, shit - if it's just watching sports, grilling meat, and running a business; I guess I'm a Real Man! Bonus points because I wear cargo pants for all the pockets. (I don't go to church because I'm not superstitious.)

But, while I'm quick with a joke and can drink plenty of beer, I'm not all that violent or aggressive, so I was never regarded as an "alpha" or whatever the boys were calling such things 30 years ago. Women weren't throwing themselves at me. I dated a few people, got married, had kids, and that was that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Real men need a woman who doesn’t deep inside resent being a woman. Otherwise it won’t work.

You had better define this lest we PC DC people think you’re the new scotus judge who also doesn’t know what makes a woman a woman.

PS I don’t know any bio women who resent being a woman. Not from work, college, my sports teams, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You want a real man, but society today frowns on real men, OP. Welcome to the great compromise. This is what women wanted.

Portions of society frown on it.

Enroll your son in tackle football. And then wrestling in the winter. And then lax or baseball in the spring.

Take him somewhere he can learn to fish or hunt.

Real, true masculine men exist. Not the fake masculinity. But the real one. Where men understand their responsibility to the next generation. Where they teach values and self-sufficiency. Where your son learn mental resiliency, toughness, and compassion.

Let your boy be the boy he is, assuming that you're asking bc he's different than his father

My answer would be: MOVE OUT OF THE BIZARRE WASH DC BUBBLE

Real men galore in the other areas and states. They seek work/life balance, are in shape, run businesses, coach kids sports teams, attend professional and kids sports games, BBQ meat and make pies, go to church & brunch every Sunday, spend time with extended family, review their kids’ grades work, maintain the yard and vehicles.

And a little more golf and tailgating before college games.

But otherwise it’s all good.

Lots of double dates too now that the kids are older and can stay home. Going to a speakeasy soon with some neighbors.

NP. Let's see, here: Sports, more sports (pro AND kids'), grill that meat, loves to work on cars and the yard, and oh boy! He likes to tailgate too and that's...a virtue, I guess?

Could this be more stereotypically macho? I hope this is a sarcastic post.

If not, I do get that this is the Ideal Man for some women, but damn. Not a word about whether he has an intellect (sorry, checking the kids' homework doesn't count) or an emotion beyond Protecting The Family and Loving His Mama. What does this "real man" talk about with his wife other than the kids, the grocery list for the next tailgate party, and when she's next expected to spend time with his extended family?

DP

Wowzers you really resent sports, cooking and car maintenance. What a trigger! Good luck with that!

[Anonymous]

Tailgating and hosting bbq’s or attending in-person events means you have friends and actually can socialize.

Imagine that! Men speaking with people not about work!