I am married to a passive, un-masculine man

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I love my husband but he is not like...a man. He does not have a big career or even works outside of the home! He runs a small business and hardly leaves the house. He cooks dinner most nights and does not show any interest in physical fitness or sports. He does not have male friends and he is a recluse.

We have a 3 year old that I know will seek out his father in terms of how to be a man, when the time comes. Is my situation as dire as being a single mom in terms of having role models for our son?

I’m in the same boat. I married DH because he was safe and very different from my abusive father. I’ve since learned that there is much more to a good man than just not hitting women. Under his passivity lies a lot of insecurity, self-pity, and laziness. I’m lonely, unsatisfied, and overworked because rising to all the occasions of life and parenting falls to me. He crumbles with panic attacks and hostility under the smallest stress.

Also, don't dismiss the possibility that your issues with your father has re-wired your brain as to how you perceive love.

That’s certainly a take.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You want a real man, but society today frowns on real men, OP. Welcome to the great compromise. This is what women wanted.

Portions of society frown on it.

Enroll your son in tackle football. And then wrestling in the winter. And then lax or baseball in the spring.

Take him somewhere he can learn to fish or hunt.

Real, true masculine men exist. Not the fake masculinity. But the real one. Where men understand their responsibility to the next generation. Where they teach values and self-sufficiency. Where your son learn mental resiliency, toughness, and compassion.

Let your boy be the boy he is, assuming that you're asking bc he's different than his father

My answer would be: MOVE OUT OF THE BIZARRE WASH DC BUBBLE

Real men galore in the other areas and states. They seek work/life balance, are in shape, run businesses, coach kids sports teams, attend professional and kids sports games, BBQ meat and make pies, go to church & brunch every Sunday, spend time with extended family, review their kids’ grades work, maintain the yard and vehicles.

And a little more golf and tailgating before college games.

But otherwise it’s all good.

Lots of double dates too now that the kids are older and can stay home. Going to a speakeasy soon with some neighbors.

Idk if I equate ‘real men’ with ‘church’

Sorry you have no one of any faith in your life or neighborhood.

Lots of well-rounded “real men” and their families involved and going to synagogues, Hindu temples, Baptist churches, Catholic Churches, Presbyterian churches, episcopal churches, Lutheran churches, Methodist churches, Unitarian churches, etc.

Just because "lots" of real men engage in that activity doesn't mean there is any connection at all. Lots of real mean drink water and drive on roads.

And what’s water drinking and driving on roads a proxy for in your book?

Anyhow, you should stay in DC area forever, it suits you. Please don’t travel or go out much. You’re too narrow minded and brainwashed.

It's a proxy for nothing related to masculinity. Just like religion.

Most people and even the govt do use religion or temple/church involvement as a proxy.

For example, fed govt knows it doesn’t have to worry about Catholic or Jews as much as other demographics who are more in need and have no community or safety net, or possibly no values.

Who in the federal government knows this and how (if at all) does this knowledge manifest in laws or government regulations?

Every finance and consumer committee and dept.
Thus they can better target poor blacks and poor whites, who are overwhelming not Catholic and not Jewish and not in supportive communities.

Far from being the policy of "every finance committee and department," adopting policies that exclude Catholics and Jews because of their religious beliefs would be wildly unconstitutional. This is not how public laws work. You are wrong.

NP

Actually makes sense. Jews and Israel were thrown under the bus by Obama and things snowballed from there badly.

Never saw a job quota, college prep, or Lift out of Poverty program targeting Jews, Catholic or Asian enclaves. Have seen them for blacks and impoverished Bible Belt Christians.

[Anonymous]

lol, and if the husband acted like a ‘man’ you’d probably come back with another post whining about ‘toxic masculinity’.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:lol, and if the husband acted like a ‘man’ you’d probably come back with another post whining about ‘toxic masculinity’.

Nope

Being a real man or not is not toxic versus pansy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You want a real man, but society today frowns on real men, OP. Welcome to the great compromise. This is what women wanted.

Portions of society frown on it.

Enroll your son in tackle football. And then wrestling in the winter. And then lax or baseball in the spring.

Take him somewhere he can learn to fish or hunt.

Real, true masculine men exist. Not the fake masculinity. But the real one. Where men understand their responsibility to the next generation. Where they teach values and self-sufficiency. Where your son learn mental resiliency, toughness, and compassion.

Let your boy be the boy he is, assuming that you're asking bc he's different than his father

My answer would be: MOVE OUT OF THE BIZARRE WASH DC BUBBLE

Real men galore in the other areas and states. They seek work/life balance, are in shape, run businesses, coach kids sports teams, attend professional and kids sports games, BBQ meat and make pies, go to church & brunch every Sunday, spend time with extended family, review their kids’ grades work, maintain the yard and vehicles.

And a little more golf and tailgating before college games.

But otherwise it’s all good.

Lots of double dates too now that the kids are older and can stay home. Going to a speakeasy soon with some neighbors.

Idk if I equate ‘real men’ with ‘church’

Sorry you have no one of any faith in your life or neighborhood.

Lots of well-rounded “real men” and their families involved and going to synagogues, Hindu temples, Baptist churches, Catholic Churches, Presbyterian churches, episcopal churches, Lutheran churches, Methodist churches, Unitarian churches, etc.

I couldn't respect a grown man who believes in fairy tales.

Believing something got created out of nothing and believing something as complex as a human body evolved out of nothing is the dumbest fairytale ever

There's a dumber one: believing that something even more complex than humans, like "God," got created out of nothing.

Nobody created God. God has and will always exist

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Look, you can’t change who people are at their core. If your spouse isn’t the person you want him to be, leaving is the kindest thing for you both.

This is some real mental gymnastics here to make leaving the kind thing to do.

It's not fair or a reasonable goal for OP to ask her husband to be someone different, especially if he hasn't changed dramatically since they met. After all, personality tends to remain stable in adulthood. She has somehow decided that the man she chose to partner with is no longer the man she wants to be partnered to.

The general rule of good boundaries apply here: While you can ask for what you need, you can't control others, only your own behavior. OP is within her rights to say "Can you help me with this project [that I perceive as a masculine household duty," or "Can we try something different in the bedroom?" And if those things will satisfy her need for a masculine man and her husband feels comfortable and uncoerced in complying, great. Then communication is the solution.

So if OP wants someone with different interests, different attitudes, and different skill sets, and/or different body type, what she wants is a different man. These things are basic compatibility issues, the type of stuff you sort out when dating or in pre-marital counseling. If she doesn't think she can learn to accept and fully embrace the man she has, then she needs to walk away from this relationship. Barring reaching that acceptance, she's going to dislike or resent her husband for who he is, which is a dead end from which a relationship cannot recover.

I soooooooo hate these smug responses.
Newsflash: every woman dislikes some aspects of her partner as listed above, at some points.
Second news flash - we could count the number of people who get the ‘pre marital counseling’ pp frames as commonplace on one hand.
Third news flash - people are not out here marrying people they dislike. And people’s personalities DO change during adulthood, circumstances change and things come to light that were not apparent during dating.
SO over the ‘marriage issues are all your fault and you should have chosen better’ victim blamers. Even if it’s true, the huge number of divorces suggest it’s pretty common to not call it ahead of time so let’s cut each other a little bit of a break huh? Or maybe go judge another board?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You want a real man, but society today frowns on real men, OP. Welcome to the great compromise. This is what women wanted.

Portions of society frown on it.

Enroll your son in tackle football. And then wrestling in the winter. And then lax or baseball in the spring.

Take him somewhere he can learn to fish or hunt.

Real, true masculine men exist. Not the fake masculinity. But the real one. Where men understand their responsibility to the next generation. Where they teach values and self-sufficiency. Where your son learn mental resiliency, toughness, and compassion.

Let your boy be the boy he is, assuming that you're asking bc he's different than his father

My answer would be: MOVE OUT OF THE BIZARRE WASH DC BUBBLE

Real men galore in the other areas and states. They seek work/life balance, are in shape, run businesses, coach kids sports teams, attend professional and kids sports games, BBQ meat and make pies, go to church & brunch every Sunday, spend time with extended family, review their kids’ grades work, maintain the yard and vehicles.

And a little more golf and tailgating before college games.

But otherwise it’s all good.

Lots of double dates too now that the kids are older and can stay home. Going to a speakeasy soon with some neighbors.

Idk if I equate ‘real men’ with ‘church’

Sorry you have no one of any faith in your life or neighborhood.

Lots of well-rounded “real men” and their families involved and going to synagogues, Hindu temples, Baptist churches, Catholic Churches, Presbyterian churches, episcopal churches, Lutheran churches, Methodist churches, Unitarian churches, etc.

I couldn't respect a grown man who believes in fairy tales.

Sounds like you never took a core liberal arts college class.

Bible, Koran and Torah are basically the history books of mankind.

Human nature is naturally greedy.

Religion is various communities attempts to counter greed and selfishness. Put something before yourself and material things. Have a sense of community. Have community goals and support. Life is hard, this will help.

Sure some extremism interpretation will create a new human god figure and goal, but those get sussed out for that they are. More human greed.

Anyways, go take a philosophy class as well. You haven’t really thought through much you claim. Things a common problem with some shallow college grads and activists right now.

Nice try. But "real men" going to church isn't about some kind of philosophy exercise. These are people who really believe there is a Man in the Sky watching, judging, and in need of money.

😂😂😂

So true. When I think ‘real man’ I am certainly not picturing someone in a church pew singing to a pretend dude in the sky.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:lol, and if the husband acted like a ‘man’ you’d probably come back with another post whining about ‘toxic masculinity’.

It’s an indication of the uselessness of today’s men that you can’t even imagine being well-rounded. You’re either passive, lazy, disengaged, and perpetually depressed with man-boobs, or if you deign to exercise, then you think you get to be aggressive and misogynistic. No wonder marriage rates continue to plummet. What a pathetic bunch!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You want a real man, but society today frowns on real men, OP. Welcome to the great compromise. This is what women wanted.

Portions of society frown on it.

Enroll your son in tackle football. And then wrestling in the winter. And then lax or baseball in the spring.

Take him somewhere he can learn to fish or hunt.

Real, true masculine men exist. Not the fake masculinity. But the real one. Where men understand their responsibility to the next generation. Where they teach values and self-sufficiency. Where your son learn mental resiliency, toughness, and compassion.

Let your boy be the boy he is, assuming that you're asking bc he's different than his father

My answer would be: MOVE OUT OF THE BIZARRE WASH DC BUBBLE

Real men galore in the other areas and states. They seek work/life balance, are in shape, run businesses, coach kids sports teams, attend professional and kids sports games, BBQ meat and make pies, go to church & brunch every Sunday, spend time with extended family, review their kids’ grades work, maintain the yard and vehicles.

And a little more golf and tailgating before college games.

But otherwise it’s all good.

Lots of double dates too now that the kids are older and can stay home. Going to a speakeasy soon with some neighbors.

Idk if I equate ‘real men’ with ‘church’

Sorry you have no one of any faith in your life or neighborhood.

Lots of well-rounded “real men” and their families involved and going to synagogues, Hindu temples, Baptist churches, Catholic Churches, Presbyterian churches, episcopal churches, Lutheran churches, Methodist churches, Unitarian churches, etc.

I couldn't respect a grown man who believes in fairy tales.

Sounds like you never took a core liberal arts college class.

Bible, Koran and Torah are basically the history books of mankind.

Human nature is naturally greedy.

Religion is various communities attempts to counter greed and selfishness. Put something before yourself and material things. Have a sense of community. Have community goals and support. Life is hard, this will help.

Sure some extremism interpretation will create a new human god figure and goal, but those get sussed out for that they are. More human greed.

Anyways, go take a philosophy class as well. You haven’t really thought through much you claim. Things a common problem with some shallow college grads and activists right now.

+1. I am an atheist but most men who are atheists are terrible partners. On average men of faith are better husbands.

Regardless, OPs problem is not related to religion, it is temperament. She needs to enjoy life outside of her husband. It is possible to have a full social life without him. The bigger issue is a role model for her child.

[Anonymous]

Society wants passive, soft men.

[Anonymous]

Asia is already ahead of the West. Women these days in Asia complain VERY often about 'herbivore men'.

Well, that's what you get when you attack every aspect of masculinity as being toxic, brainwash kids starting in primary schools to confuse them about their sexuality and that cis gendered straight male as being the worst, and that being a manly man is toxic.

Have fun with your soy latte drinking, herbivore men ladies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:lol, and if the husband acted like a ‘man’ you’d probably come back with another post whining about ‘toxic masculinity’.

It’s an indication of the uselessness of today’s men that you can’t even imagine being well-rounded. You’re either passive, lazy, disengaged, and perpetually depressed with man-boobs, or if you deign to exercise, then you think you get to be aggressive and misogynistic. No wonder marriage rates continue to plummet. What a pathetic bunch!

I get a chuckle out of the angry shrews on the board who are probably 5 out of 10s at best and 30 lbs overweight. Then they get mad why every decent man swipes left on their profile.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:lol, and if the husband acted like a ‘man’ you’d probably come back with another post whining about ‘toxic masculinity’.

Nope

Being a real man or not is not toxic versus pansy.

Pansy? Check your homophobia, my brother in Christ.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You want a real man, but society today frowns on real men, OP. Welcome to the great compromise. This is what women wanted.

Portions of society frown on it.

Enroll your son in tackle football. And then wrestling in the winter. And then lax or baseball in the spring.

Take him somewhere he can learn to fish or hunt.

Real, true masculine men exist. Not the fake masculinity. But the real one. Where men understand their responsibility to the next generation. Where they teach values and self-sufficiency. Where your son learn mental resiliency, toughness, and compassion.

Let your boy be the boy he is, assuming that you're asking bc he's different than his father

My answer would be: MOVE OUT OF THE BIZARRE WASH DC BUBBLE

Real men galore in the other areas and states. They seek work/life balance, are in shape, run businesses, coach kids sports teams, attend professional and kids sports games, BBQ meat and make pies, go to church & brunch every Sunday, spend time with extended family, review their kids’ grades work, maintain the yard and vehicles.

And a little more golf and tailgating before college games.

But otherwise it’s all good.

Lots of double dates too now that the kids are older and can stay home. Going to a speakeasy soon with some neighbors.

Idk if I equate ‘real men’ with ‘church’

Sorry you have no one of any faith in your life or neighborhood.

Lots of well-rounded “real men” and their families involved and going to synagogues, Hindu temples, Baptist churches, Catholic Churches, Presbyterian churches, episcopal churches, Lutheran churches, Methodist churches, Unitarian churches, etc.

I couldn't respect a grown man who believes in fairy tales.

Believing something got created out of nothing and believing something as complex as a human body evolved out of nothing is the dumbest fairytale ever

There's a dumber one: believing that something even more complex than humans, like "God," got created out of nothing.

Nobody created God. God has and will always exist

Abracadabra!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Society wants passive, soft men.

Is Society hot? Where does she live?