Husband’s texts when I was out of town

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here

Some clarifications:

We have a parenting schedule inside the house so we both take different days with the kids

My conversation with the kids happened while I was in town. He seems to have heard about it while I was out of town.

I accept that I could have just let it go as other posters mentioned. I think talking to the kids about it is a grey area and assume it would be fine in a healthy relationship. The kids were not upset, they were like fine we’ll watch X show with him which is what he has been watching with them all along, I said that’s a great show and end of talk.

I would have been fine to talk to him about this, and if I was in the wrong or hurt him in some way, apologize. I do not think it’s ok for him to lash out at me when triggered.

We separated for six months recently. During the separation he was very nasty to me. I mentioned taking the kids to a museum because it was raining one day on spring break and my friend had said it was nice. He also had wanted to take the kids to this museum. He told me “if you take the kids there and ask your friend about it, I will text both your friend and her husband and tell them we are getting a divorce.” That’s the kind of jerk behavior he thinks is OK.

Yes there is likely a mental health issue here, but no he hasn’t gotten evaluated.

You have a “parenting schedule”, are terrible communicators, and you clearly feel victimized by him… and you are still married, why??

Two young kids with special needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here

Some clarifications:

We have a parenting schedule inside the house so we both take different days with the kids

My conversation with the kids happened while I was in town. He seems to have heard about it while I was out of town.

I accept that I could have just let it go as other posters mentioned. I think talking to the kids about it is a grey area and assume it would be fine in a healthy relationship. The kids were not upset, they were like fine we’ll watch X show with him which is what he has been watching with them all along, I said that’s a great show and end of talk.

We separated for six months recently. During the separation he was very nasty to me. I mentioned taking the kids to a museum because it was raining one day on spring break and my friend had said it was nice. He also had wanted to take the kids to this museum. He told me “if you take the kids there and ask your friend about it, I will text both your friend and her husband and tell them we are getting a divorce.” That’s the kind of jerk behavior he thinks is OK.

Yes there is likely a mental health issue here, but no he hasn’t gotten evaluated.

So you know it’s not a “gray area” TO HIM. And knowing that, you should not have said anything about it to the kids.

I would pre-empt him and tell the friend and husband that you are getting divorced. Threat of disclosure over!

Having a kid with anxiety and one with ADHD is not the kind of “special needs” that prevent divorce. You don’t have a who kid needs a trach suctioned ten times a day. I would bet money that “anxious kid” gets far less anxious when not living with this lunatic.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Learn to gray rock, OP. We can't change other people.

Is he open to a neurophysch avail? If not, learn to detach. Under 1 or 2 roofs, you need this skill and don't have it.

Model being non-reactive yourself.

Ok, thanks. No he is not open to neuropsych.

I’ve tried grey rock. I’ve tried also placating him and giving him everything he wants. Both result in escalation of this behavior. He is very needy and if he doesn’t get attention he creates drama. The only thing that has helped so far is getting a male therapist from the same background as him, and actually being quite direct with him about what behavior I won’t tolerate anymore (eg threats, harassment, shouting/screaming, all of the above in front of the kids). That has cut down a lot of the issues. So while I don’t want to be confrontational, I feel like firm boundaries in this situation are a must.

Several therapists who I showed our correspondence to suggested BPD as a possible diagnosis. Whether there is a mental health component or not is irrelevant to the boundary issue.

It took me a lot of emotional energy to persist in confronting him to the degree necessary to set these boundaries. I do not want to keep putting that in, but I don’t want to keep dealing with the explosive rage. If you have more suggestions on how you’d frame this to yourself to maintain both detachment and boundaries, that would help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You were very much in the wrong.

Your husband blocking texts is immature, uncalled for and destructive. My significant other does this. It isn’t okay.

You can only control you. If you want this relationship to continue, do not tell your kids that they are bad for interacting with him. It is horribly destructive to them, to their relationship with their father and of course to your relationship with him. Grow up and catch up alone. Your comments to the kids were just asking for a divorce.

I think DH was more in the wrong. What OP said with her kids would be no big deal in a healthy relationship. However, OP should be aware that she is not in a healthy relationship and anything she says might be used against her or assumed as an attack. Given this, she does have to be very careful about anything she says to DH or the kids.

I would not want to have to go through my marriage walking on eggshells like this but hopefully you can eventually work to move past this very tense time in your marriage.

Nailed it.

[Anonymous]

His response was nasty, but your discussion with the kids was petty. You guys might be made for each other

[Anonymous]

Sounds like he might have some issues, but come on, it's a show your kids probably wanted to watch, and he was watching with them - that is not bad.

Watch it yourself to catch up or let them tell you what happened. Next time, be more mature for your kids' sake and try being happy for them - wow! Lucky you, wad it good?

Your husband's reaction was unacceptable but I don't know, maybe he didn't want to get more texts about your kids getting to watch THEIR show?!

If you don't want anyone watching without you, that's on you to make that clear and set it up as such.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here

Some clarifications:

We have a parenting schedule inside the house so we both take different days with the kids

My conversation with the kids happened while I was in town. He seems to have heard about it while I was out of town.

I accept that I could have just let it go as other posters mentioned. I think talking to the kids about it is a grey area and assume it would be fine in a healthy relationship. The kids were not upset, they were like fine we’ll watch X show with him which is what he has been watching with them all along, I said that’s a great show and end of talk.

We separated for six months recently. During the separation he was very nasty to me. I mentioned taking the kids to a museum because it was raining one day on spring break and my friend had said it was nice. He also had wanted to take the kids to this museum. He told me “if you take the kids there and ask your friend about it, I will text both your friend and her husband and tell them we are getting a divorce.” That’s the kind of jerk behavior he thinks is OK.

Yes there is likely a mental health issue here, but no he hasn’t gotten evaluated.

So you know it’s not a “gray area” TO HIM. And knowing that, you should not have said anything about it to the kids.

I would pre-empt him and tell the friend and husband that you are getting divorced. Threat of disclosure over!

Having a kid with anxiety and one with ADHD is not the kind of “special needs” that prevent divorce. You don’t have a who kid needs a trach suctioned ten times a day. I would bet money that “anxious kid” gets far less anxious when not living with this lunatic.

Good luck.

OP here

I didn’t say anything about the museum to the kids. I mentioned it to him because I knew he had wanted to go and wanted to make sure it was OK. Instead of saying like a normal person that he would prefer to be the first to take them, he exploded.

But yes. He has threatened that a lot. At this point I’m over it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here

Some clarifications:

We have a parenting schedule inside the house so we both take different days with the kids

My conversation with the kids happened while I was in town. He seems to have heard about it while I was out of town.

I accept that I could have just let it go as other posters mentioned. I think talking to the kids about it is a grey area and assume it would be fine in a healthy relationship. The kids were not upset, they were like fine we’ll watch X show with him which is what he has been watching with them all along, I said that’s a great show and end of talk.

I would have been fine to talk to him about this, and if I was in the wrong or hurt him in some way, apologize. I do not think it’s ok for him to lash out at me when triggered.

We separated for six months recently. During the separation he was very nasty to me. I mentioned taking the kids to a museum because it was raining one day on spring break and my friend had said it was nice. He also had wanted to take the kids to this museum. He told me “if you take the kids there and ask your friend about it, I will text both your friend and her husband and tell them we are getting a divorce.” That’s the kind of jerk behavior he thinks is OK.

Yes there is likely a mental health issue here, but no he hasn’t gotten evaluated.

You have a “parenting schedule”, are terrible communicators, and you clearly feel victimized by him… and you are still married, why??

Two young kids with special needs.

Do you actually feel like this situation is better for them? Or you? Or him? He sounds like he can handle them alone just fine. Doesn’t seem like being married is providing anyone with extra support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like he might have some issues, but come on, it's a show your kids probably wanted to watch, and he was watching with them - that is not bad.

Watch it yourself to catch up or let them tell you what happened. Next time, be more mature for your kids' sake and try being happy for them - wow! Lucky you, wad it good?

Your husband's reaction was unacceptable but I don't know, maybe he didn't want to get more texts about your kids getting to watch THEIR show?!

If you don't want anyone watching without you, that's on you to make that clear and set it up as such.

He has his own show he watches with them. I started watching this so as not to cut into theirs. Sure, it’s a misunderstanding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here

Some clarifications:

We have a parenting schedule inside the house so we both take different days with the kids

My conversation with the kids happened while I was in town. He seems to have heard about it while I was out of town.

I accept that I could have just let it go as other posters mentioned. I think talking to the kids about it is a grey area and assume it would be fine in a healthy relationship. The kids were not upset, they were like fine we’ll watch X show with him which is what he has been watching with them all along, I said that’s a great show and end of talk.

I would have been fine to talk to him about this, and if I was in the wrong or hurt him in some way, apologize. I do not think it’s ok for him to lash out at me when triggered.

We separated for six months recently. During the separation he was very nasty to me. I mentioned taking the kids to a museum because it was raining one day on spring break and my friend had said it was nice. He also had wanted to take the kids to this museum. He told me “if you take the kids there and ask your friend about it, I will text both your friend and her husband and tell them we are getting a divorce.” That’s the kind of jerk behavior he thinks is OK.

Yes there is likely a mental health issue here, but no he hasn’t gotten evaluated.

You have a “parenting schedule”, are terrible communicators, and you clearly feel victimized by him… and you are still married, why??

Two young kids with special needs.

Do you actually feel like this situation is better for them? Or you? Or him? He sounds like he can handle them alone just fine. Doesn’t seem like being married is providing anyone with extra support.

I think it’s better for them for the time being. One is pretty young and has a tough time sleeping in new places and with new routines. Think the kind of kid who loves his home and bed, who acts out if there’s a substitute teacher, etc. Moving between houses would be rough at this age. Maybe it will change in a couple years.

[Anonymous]

He clearly has mental issues and loves to escalate things and verbally attack the OP.

If ignoring him entirely doesn’t work, maybe try an au pair in the house? Or move in a grandparent? Or have lots of friends over all the time?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:His response was nasty, but your discussion with the kids was petty. You guys might be made for each other

The dating/marriage market is pretty efficient.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:His response was nasty, but your discussion with the kids was petty. You guys might be made for each other

Sorry, OP, but I had the same reaction. Can you see your part in this?

If the kids have anxiety and ADHD you likely have some divergence yourself, you also chose a ND partner.

Really consider DBT or CBT to dive into your thoughts and reactions. Take the focus OFF DH and do your own work. Have that boundary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You were very much in the wrong.

Your husband blocking texts is immature, uncalled for and destructive. My significant other does this. It isn’t okay.

You can only control you. If you want this relationship to continue, do not tell your kids that they are bad for interacting with him. It is horribly destructive to them, to their relationship with their father and of course to your relationship with him. Grow up and catch up alone. Your comments to the kids were just asking for a divorce.

I think DH was more in the wrong. What OP said with her kids would be no big deal in a healthy relationship. However, OP should be aware that she is not in a healthy relationship and anything she says might be used against her or assumed as an attack. Given this, she does have to be very careful about anything she says to DH or the kids.

I would not want to have to go through my marriage walking on eggshells like this but hopefully you can eventually work to move past this very tense time in your marriage.

OP here

Thank you. Yes, I should be more careful.

I have tiptoed around his moods for years now and I think I am just reaching a point where I can’t take it anymore, after several recent incidents that were more like a 8/9 on the scale of tantrums (let’s call this a 1/2).

So I need to figure out how to work this out without losing myself. Other people suggest detach and just grey rock. I’ve tried that. I’ve tried also placating him and giving him everything he wants. Both result in escalation of this behavior. The only thing that has helped so far is getting a male therapist from the same background as him, and actually being quite direct with him about what behavior I won’t tolerate anymore (eg threats, harassment, shouting/screaming, all of the above in front of the kids). That has cut down a lot of the issues. So while I don’t want to be confrontational, I feel like firm boundaries in this situation are a must.

Several therapists who I showed our correspondence to suggested BPD as a possible diagnosis. Whether there is a mental health component or not is irrelevant to the boundary issue.

BPD for you or your Dh? Why are you diagnosis shopping? For another person?

No therapist should be even discussing diagnosis of husband when they have never met him? It’s you they should be looking at if you’re seeking help, perhaps for codependency. I’d run from anyone doing anything but addressing you.

The fact you’re out there doing this makes their rest of your story less credible, IMHO. Like yes, he’s doing this stuff, but for reasons not outlined or divulged
in your posts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like he might have some issues, but come on, it's a show your kids probably wanted to watch, and he was watching with them - that is not bad.

Watch it yourself to catch up or let them tell you what happened. Next time, be more mature for your kids' sake and try being happy for them - wow! Lucky you, wad it good?

Your husband's reaction was unacceptable but I don't know, maybe he didn't want to get more texts about your kids getting to watch THEIR show?!

If you don't want anyone watching without you, that's on you to make that clear and set it up as such.

He has his own show he watches with them. I started watching this so as not to cut into theirs. Sure, it’s a misunderstanding.

Your goal needs to be mastering regulating your own nervous system so the kids can co-regulate with some adult. Your second goal needs to be providing your kids with a peaceful home environment. Not to win every battle, triangulate to "experts" or DCUM but to get to the point where you both think and feel like water off a duck's back when it come to TRIVIA like a tv show. That you not only reacted but cared so much may be down to something like ADD and reaction sensitivity in yourself.

You are both very reactive, can you see that? It is up to you to manage yourself and get your own needs met in ways that are sustainable so you don't care so much about minutia. Join a book club or something. If your kids are happy and taken care of, why is that not a yay? You need to not be looking to those things as some primary source of endorphins so you feel then act so reactive. You guys play tug of war with your kids, can you see that? It's NOT good for them.