Husband’s texts when I was out of town

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You were very much in the wrong.

Your husband blocking texts is immature, uncalled for and destructive. My significant other does this. It isn’t okay.

You can only control you. If you want this relationship to continue, do not tell your kids that they are bad for interacting with him. It is horribly destructive to them, to their relationship with their father and of course to your relationship with him. Grow up and catch up alone. Your comments to the kids were just asking for a divorce.

I think DH was more in the wrong. What OP said with her kids would be no big deal in a healthy relationship. However, OP should be aware that she is not in a healthy relationship and anything she says might be used against her or assumed as an attack. Given this, she does have to be very careful about anything she says to DH or the kids.

I would not want to have to go through my marriage walking on eggshells like this but hopefully you can eventually work to move past this very tense time in your marriage.

OP here

Thank you. Yes, I should be more careful.

I have tiptoed around his moods for years now and I think I am just reaching a point where I can’t take it anymore, after several recent incidents that were more like a 8/9 on the scale of tantrums (let’s call this a 1/2).

So I need to figure out how to work this out without losing myself. Other people suggest detach and just grey rock. I’ve tried that. I’ve tried also placating him and giving him everything he wants. Both result in escalation of this behavior. The only thing that has helped so far is getting a male therapist from the same background as him, and actually being quite direct with him about what behavior I won’t tolerate anymore (eg threats, harassment, shouting/screaming, all of the above in front of the kids). That has cut down a lot of the issues. So while I don’t want to be confrontational, I feel like firm boundaries in this situation are a must.

Several therapists who I showed our correspondence to suggested BPD as a possible diagnosis. Whether there is a mental health component or not is irrelevant to the boundary issue.

BPD for you or your Dh? Why are you diagnosis shopping? For another person?

No therapist should be even discussing diagnosis of husband when they have never met him? It’s you they should be looking at if you’re seeking help, perhaps for codependency. I’d run from anyone doing anything but addressing you.

The fact you’re out there doing this makes their rest of your story less credible, IMHO. Like yes, he’s doing this stuff, but for reasons not outlined or divulged
in your posts.

He lost it during COVID and became more and more volatile. After several incoherent rants and explosions including threats to call police (witnessed by my family) I became pretty concerned about him. He quit his therapy that he had been attending for over ten years. I talked with friends who are therapists to see what we were dealing with. It was actually helpful to get that possibility on the table because I was so disoriented by the behavior. Once I realized what to expect it became more manageable in my head.

However I don’t believe it is BPD, I think there is unresolved PTSD (and one friend said BPD is actually a controversial diagnosis and it may just be trauma — I don’t know, I’m not a doctor). All I know is the most volatile behavior has resolved with starting with this male couples therapist. The others who are women he ranted and yelled over.

You have a form of Ongoing Trauma Syndrome from living like this. With an unstable, manipulative and psychologically abusive husband. This is unfortunately the type that is usually high conflict in divorce and continues to abuse via the courts and during separations and onward.

Get your kids in therapy too so they they have boundaries and keep their heads on straight. Someone willing to be a court witness would be ideal. If needed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OMG I can't get past page two of this thread. Who the heck are you people. The kind of conversation OP had with the kids was the kind of thing that happens with normal healthy people all the time! Saying aw I was hoping to watch that with you is not damaging to kids, guilt tripping or whatever nonsense you PPs are going on about? WTF?

OP, your husband is totally wrong.

No it’s not normal. Oh dang catch me up is normal.

But that’s our show pick a different one to watch with dad is f’d up.

OP here

I did not say that’s our show. I said oh, I wish you had waited to watch that with me. When they said dad said we could watch, I said why don’t you pick a different show to do with him? To which they said yeah sure! We always watch X with him. I said great show. End of conversation.

Re: context, dad has insisted that his activities with them are his and I’m not to interrupt or join in or take them to do stuff that is “his” stuff. So I started watching my own show with them.

Anyway. There are much

So, in other words, you’re requiring your kids to watch a different show when they are with their father. Do you realize how insane that is?

The fact that you said oh, I wish you would’ve waited for me and you think that isn’t synonymous with oh, that’s our show pick a different one for dad.

Listen, I don’t give a s**t if your husband‘s in a hole or not. Maybe you’ll stay together maybe you’ll divorce it doesn’t matter. But your communications skills and your controlling attitude is going to make your children hate you.

Doesn’t fall far from the tree, which do you have anxiety or ADHD or both?

[Anonymous]

Blocking you when he’s away with the kids is out of line. Definitely try to get a handle on that in therapy or at a minimum document it for the inevitable divorce.

He sounds horrible and I see parental alienation in your future (regardless of if you stay together or not.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OMG I can't get past page two of this thread. Who the heck are you people. The kind of conversation OP had with the kids was the kind of thing that happens with normal healthy people all the time! Saying aw I was hoping to watch that with you is not damaging to kids, guilt tripping or whatever nonsense you PPs are going on about? WTF?

OP, your husband is totally wrong.

No it’s not normal. Oh dang catch me up is normal.

But that’s our show pick a different one to watch with dad is f’d up.

OP here

I did not say that’s our show. I said oh, I wish you had waited to watch that with me. When they said dad said we could watch, I said why don’t you pick a different show to do with him? To which they said yeah sure! We always watch X with him. I said great show. End of conversation.

Re: context, dad has insisted that his activities with them are his and I’m not to interrupt or join in or take them to do stuff that is “his” stuff. So I started watching my own show with them.

Anyway. There are much

So, in other words, you’re requiring your kids to watch a different show when they are with their father. Do you realize how insane that is?

The fact that you said oh, I wish you would’ve waited for me and you think that isn’t synonymous with oh, that’s our show pick a different one for dad.

Listen, I don’t give a s**t if your husband‘s in a hole or not. Maybe you’ll stay together maybe you’ll divorce it doesn’t matter. But your communications skills and your controlling attitude is going to make your children hate you.

Doesn’t fall far from the tree, which do you have anxiety or ADHD or both?

Look your husband found the thread!

[Anonymous]

He sounds explosive and angry, but I think you were out of line to put the kids in the middle, and I did read it as a guilt trip/manipulation. Before I'd even read the rest of the thread, I thought it sounded like you were trying to "get them on your side" and keep your thing yours.

Your story on what happened keeps changing, so I'm guessing it was more guilt-trippy than you're letting on.

"They mentioned they watched some with him. I said “oh, I was hoping you would wait for me — I want to know what happens.” They explained they watched with him and I said maybe you guys can find another show to watch."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here

Some clarifications:

We have a parenting schedule inside the house so we both take different days with the kids

My conversation with the kids happened while I was in town. He seems to have heard about it while I was out of town.

I accept that I could have just let it go as other posters mentioned. I think talking to the kids about it is a grey area and assume it would be fine in a healthy relationship. The kids were not upset, they were like fine we’ll watch X show with him which is what he has been watching with them all along, I said that’s a great show and end of talk.

We separated for six months recently. During the separation he was very nasty to me. I mentioned taking the kids to a museum because it was raining one day on spring break and my friend had said it was nice. He also had wanted to take the kids to this museum. He told me “if you take the kids there and ask your friend about it, I will text both your friend and her husband and tell them we are getting a divorce.” That’s the kind of jerk behavior he thinks is OK.

Yes there is likely a mental health issue here, but no he hasn’t gotten evaluated.

So you know it’s not a “gray area” TO HIM. And knowing that, you should not have said anything about it to the kids.

I would pre-empt him and tell the friend and husband that you are getting divorced. Threat of disclosure over!

Having a kid with anxiety and one with ADHD is not the kind of “special needs” that prevent divorce. You don’t have a who kid needs a trach suctioned ten times a day. I would bet money that “anxious kid” gets far less anxious when not living with this lunatic.

Good luck.

OP here

I didn’t say anything about the museum to the kids. I mentioned it to him because I knew he had wanted to go and wanted to make sure it was OK. Instead of saying like a normal person that he would prefer to be the first to take them, he exploded.

But yes. He has threatened that a lot. At this point I’m over it.

I understand that you didn’t discuss the museum with the kids. My point is: you are a rational person, you had this discussion about the museum with him, and you know he had a nutty reaction to it. You also know your kids are not secret-keepers about the conversations you have with them. There is no reason someone as nutty as he was about the museum would take your guilt-tripping your kids about a TV show as a neutral act.

And: it was guilt-tripping. TV shows are not life experiences, they are entertainment. People watch them when they watch them and it is not appropriate to be commenting on when that is or how you feel about it, ESPECIALLY if you are a parent out of town at the time.

All of that said, he’s TAH. The faster you get out the better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This one’s a you problem. You couldn’t just be happy that they were all spending time together and ask them what happened? I mean it might be ok to be disappointed but it’s just TV and they’re little kids who probably never thought this was an exclusively you activity. And I can see how it came across as criticism.

Not Op. GTFOOH. His response was clearly out of line. You are defending the text he sent. YOU are the issue and op's dh. You hate women, we see.

[Anonymous]

Except for the block I totally understand his first text.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He’s way overreacting but you know him and how he can blow things out of proportion. You should have just said oh great have fun watching the show. You know the kids will tell him something like “mom doesn’t want us to watch that show anymore”. Why on earth do you drag him into third party mentions which can easily be misconstrued?!
I mean, it’s wrong to walk on eggshells but until you can leave the situation that’s the only thing that saves you from then confrontation!

+1000. Your original post said you are in therapy with DH who yells a lot and that’s no way to live. I agree! But then you left your elementary school kids alone with a yeller and had them deliver the message that you didn’t want them watching the show him while you were gone. Why did you make your elementary school kids deliver the message? They told you that they had planned to watch it with Dad. You know he yells irrationally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OMG I can't get past page two of this thread. Who the heck are you people. The kind of conversation OP had with the kids was the kind of thing that happens with normal healthy people all the time! Saying aw I was hoping to watch that with you is not damaging to kids, guilt tripping or whatever nonsense you PPs are going on about? WTF?

OP, your husband is totally wrong.

No it’s not normal. Oh dang catch me up is normal.

But that’s our show pick a different one to watch with dad is f’d up.

OP here

I did not say that’s our show. I said oh, I wish you had waited to watch that with me. When they said dad said we could watch, I said why don’t you pick a different show to do with him? To which they said yeah sure! We always watch X with him. I said great show. End of conversation.

Re: context, dad has insisted that his activities with them are his and I’m not to interrupt or join in or take them to do stuff that is “his” stuff. So I started watching my own show with them.

Anyway. There are much

You have said your husband is angry and irrational. I don’t understand why you keep expecting a calm and rational response from him. That’s your mistake/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OMG I can't get past page two of this thread. Who the heck are you people. The kind of conversation OP had with the kids was the kind of thing that happens with normal healthy people all the time! Saying aw I was hoping to watch that with you is not damaging to kids, guilt tripping or whatever nonsense you PPs are going on about? WTF?

OP, your husband is totally wrong.

No it’s not normal. Oh dang catch me up is normal.

But that’s our show pick a different one to watch with dad is f’d up.

OP here

I did not say that’s our show. I said oh, I wish you had waited to watch that with me. When they said dad said we could watch, I said why don’t you pick a different show to do with him? To which they said yeah sure! We always watch X with him. I said great show. End of conversation.

Re: context, dad has insisted that his activities with them are his and I’m not to interrupt or join in or take them to do stuff that is “his” stuff. So I started watching my own show with them.

Anyway. There are much

So, in other words, you’re requiring your kids to watch a different show when they are with their father. Do you realize how insane that is?

The fact that you said oh, I wish you would’ve waited for me and you think that isn’t synonymous with oh, that’s our show pick a different one for dad.

Listen, I don’t give a s**t if your husband‘s in a hole or not. Maybe you’ll stay together maybe you’ll divorce it doesn’t matter. But your communications skills and your controlling attitude is going to make your children hate you.

Doesn’t fall far from the tree, which do you have anxiety or ADHD or both?

Look your husband found the thread!

For real. I actually had a similar situation last week when the kids said dad didn’t want us to watch Harry Potter 2 w/o him. It’s really weird that people are making this out to be some controlling terrible thing. I’ll gladly wait to watch show or movie so a family member can join in.

Anyway, OP is not married to a reasonable person and should, therefore, be extremely cautious about how she communicates anything because it sounds like he will use anything to justify an attack.

[Anonymous]

OP and DH have experienced a breakdown of trust, so every disagreement starts a fight. One of you can be the peacemaker and change the direction, or you can keep hustling along to divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OMG I can't get past page two of this thread. Who the heck are you people. The kind of conversation OP had with the kids was the kind of thing that happens with normal healthy people all the time! Saying aw I was hoping to watch that with you is not damaging to kids, guilt tripping or whatever nonsense you PPs are going on about? WTF?

OP, your husband is totally wrong.

No it’s not normal. Oh dang catch me up is normal.

But that’s our show pick a different one to watch with dad is f’d up.

OP here

I did not say that’s our show. I said oh, I wish you had waited to watch that with me. When they said dad said we could watch, I said why don’t you pick a different show to do with him? To which they said yeah sure! We always watch X with him. I said great show. End of conversation.

Re: context, dad has insisted that his activities with them are his and I’m not to interrupt or join in or take them to do stuff that is “his” stuff. So I started watching my own show with them.

Anyway. There are much

So, in other words, you’re requiring your kids to watch a different show when they are with their father. Do you realize how insane that is?

The fact that you said oh, I wish you would’ve waited for me and you think that isn’t synonymous with oh, that’s our show pick a different one for dad.

Listen, I don’t give a s**t if your husband‘s in a hole or not. Maybe you’ll stay together maybe you’ll divorce it doesn’t matter. But your communications skills and your controlling attitude is going to make your children hate you.

Doesn’t fall far from the tree, which do you have anxiety or ADHD or both?

Look your husband found the thread!

For real. I actually had a similar situation last week when the kids said dad didn’t want us to watch Harry Potter 2 w/o him. It’s really weird that people are making this out to be some controlling terrible thing. I’ll gladly wait to watch show or movie so a family member can join in.

Anyway, OP is not married to a reasonable person and should, therefore, be extremely cautious about how she communicates anything because it sounds like he will use anything to justify an attack.

It goes two ways. She is needling him and undermining him while he is taking care of the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OMG I can't get past page two of this thread. Who the heck are you people. The kind of conversation OP had with the kids was the kind of thing that happens with normal healthy people all the time! Saying aw I was hoping to watch that with you is not damaging to kids, guilt tripping or whatever nonsense you PPs are going on about? WTF?

OP, your husband is totally wrong.

+ 100. We have conversations like this in our house without anyone blowing up about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OMG I can't get past page two of this thread. Who the heck are you people. The kind of conversation OP had with the kids was the kind of thing that happens with normal healthy people all the time! Saying aw I was hoping to watch that with you is not damaging to kids, guilt tripping or whatever nonsense you PPs are going on about? WTF?

OP, your husband is totally wrong.

+ 100. We have conversations like this in our house without anyone blowing up about it.

You mean you don’t perceive everything your spouse does as needling and insulting and block their number when you get frustrated with them?