Husband’s texts when I was out of town

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you need to get out. The kids will adjust. Kids are more resilient than you think.
You are not thinking straight right now. I could not live like this

This does not improve with divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is worse with two houses. This won’t stop.

This is what I experienced during the separation. He could not leave me alone. He would send me sometimes twenty emails a day about trivial practical stuff. As in twenty different threads plus replies etc. He would pick things apart and get very triggered and threaten me and call me names. I get upset just thinking about it.

Plus the coordination was terrible. Required a lot of back and forth. One house is much better.

We nested and did not tell the kids, we alternated almost daily and just said mommy and daddy have to work late. They didn’t mind at all. I feel glad at least we spared them that anxiety.

I am the PP you responded to. Agree completely. People don’t understand this and they assume that when you get divorced, the stuff just stops when really it doesn’t and it only gets worse and more complicated when there are two houses because when they were kids, there is no freedom until they grow up and her out of the house. Divorced almost 4 years and it’s not better—and now we are going to start nesting probably again because the two house thing with this behavior is so much worse than being married and being in the same house.

This is exactly it. We have two kids, two sets of activities and appointments. There is way too much back and forth to coordinate. Every time you sign them up for camp or activities that are not just on your days. Birthday parties and play dates (maybe that would be easier if people knew we were divorced — they didn’t know about the separation so they would text one of us and we coordinated as a unit). School events, recitals, sports. One kid is sick, need to explain symptoms. Discipline issue crops up, want to coordinate to be consistent.

Yes you can parallel parent but that’s not great for the kids. And it’s hard to explain to people with spouses who are rational/neurotypical how someone with these issues will find something to be angry and harass you about. He would also have a lot of feigned and real incompetence, asking about things he could have looked up himself or that I already answered. I didn’t want the kids to suffer si I would respond.

I found the separation absolutely exhausting and the kids weren’t even moving between two houses. It is ten times better now. I think I am just exhausted from the cumulative stress of this year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Some previous posters do not seem to understand that someone who tends to overreacts and has anger management issues cannot be a good partner, because they significantly increase the levels of stress and anxiety in the household. Feeling gaslighted and blamed for no reason is not conducive to a healthy upbringing, even if his anger is not directed at the children.

You have all my sympathies, OP. I have a husband like that, and it's been difficult.

+1 million . I have a husband like that, too, and I wish I had left him 20 years ago. I see the effect staying with him has had on our family. In hindsight, I would have been better off on my own.

Don’t blame yourself. You don’t know how we would have acted in or after the divorce and whether it would have given you any peace.

My friend divorced a person with narcissistic personality disorder. He has dragged her through the courts at the tune of $100k+ fighting her on all kinds of nonsense. It is international courts because he is another citizen. Just absolutely nuts. I knew him when they got together and you would never guess. Very sweet guy, put together, from a good family, treated her well. You just never know.

[Anonymous]

Sorry, OP, you're in a crappy situation. You had a normal, spontaneous response with your kids. I would try to disengage from him as much as you can, which sucks, because you'll be in a mode where you don't really have a partner - but you don't really have a partner anyway, with the way he is. I would extend the disengagement to therapy as well and see what happens when it's on him to bring up issues. It doesn't serve you to be open and vulnerable in therapy when he's manipulative and not focused on improving the relationship.

Since he is the way he is, you have to hold in your reactions to the things the kids say. Whatever happens when you're not there, go with it. You can't be normal with someone like him.

You said that he has a special show that he watches with the kids. How would he react if you watched it with the kids when he was out of the house? Do you think he specifically watched "your" show with them to get a rise out of you?

[Anonymous]

OP, what led to the decision to separate? It seems like DH wants out, and he’s at the point that he’s willing to be a dick. You’re hanging on, hoping that shared rituals like watching a tv show together will keep the family together.