Husband’s texts when I was out of town

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was out of town for work. My husband texted me out of the blue:

“If you have a problem about any activity I do with the kids (like me watching a show that you watched with them) please talk to me not the kids. We agreed not getting the kids involved in our issues and I expect you to keep to it.”

Then:
“Blocking texts for the rest of the night”

Context: I started watching a TV series with the kids. They mentioned they watched some with him. I said “oh, I was hoping you would wait for me — I want to know what happens.” They explained they watched with him and I said maybe you guys can find another show to watch.

I have no idea what they told him. But I think this text is unreasonable and the blocking texts is just rude and unacceptable. He lashes out in anger when he’s triggered and does not apologize or acknowledge his behavior. Our therapist tried to talk to him last week about how “no one would think it’s ok to yell and shout in the house when they’re angry” and “no one wants to live that way.” Crickets from him.

I just don’t want to live this way anymore. We have two young elementary kids. I don’t want to have them move between two houses but I’m reaching the end of my room with DH’s inability to self regulate and handle trivial issues with maturity. WWYD. We have therapy soon and I want to raise this, suggestions on how?

Say the bolded in front of the therapist.

You expressed a very normal feeling - disappointment ("Oh, I was hoping we could all watch that together") - and maybe that shouldn't have happened in front of the kids, sure. He also could have a discussion and ask if you were watching X series with the kids.

I stayed with an angry man. It's not a proud accomplishment. And my refusal to tangibly call him out and hold him accountable for creating an environment where we all walk on eggshells is a lot harder to handle with teens than it was with little kids.

[Anonymous]

My DH can almost get to that level of being overly sensitive and taking things personally that just aren’t. He also has anger management issues. It’s so exhausting. I’ve tried to narrow down the reason and currently believe it may be his ADHD diagnosis but also wonder if he’s high functioning autism. Seeking professional help right now and hope you are holding up and it gets better.

[Anonymous]

If this is how you two deal with each other op you have much bigger problems than this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you the “touch the table” couple? Just divorce already!

Who was this? Must have missed that thread.

Re: your post, OP, I would have let this go re: the tv show. I'd also be careful thinking co-parenting with him is going to greatly change your quality of life.

What diagnoses if any do the kids have? Kids with anxiety, ADHD and ASD do especially poorly with shuttling, I can attest.

[Anonymous]

My husband and I have a policy that we don't watch shows we watch together when we are apart (he's military so that does actually happen). That said, I don't get mad at him if he does. It means I can watch it too.

Your husband obviously isn't mad about this, it's about everything else represented as this incident.

I would just not get mad about him acting like a child. Do the 180. Don't care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH can almost get to that level of being overly sensitive and taking things personally that just aren’t. He also has anger management issues. It’s so exhausting. I’ve tried to narrow down the reason and currently believe it may be his ADHD diagnosis but also wonder if he’s high functioning autism. Seeking professional help right now and hope you are holding up and it gets better.

My DH can get like this too, and he’s an Aspie

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I have a policy that we don't watch shows we watch together when we are apart (he's military so that does actually happen). That said, I don't get mad at him if he does. It means I can watch it too.

Your husband obviously isn't mad about this, it's about everything else represented as this incident.

I would just not get mad about him acting like a child. Do the 180. Don't care.

This might be a good tactic. Just don’t care, ignore it. He will surely be pissed about it still and will be disappointed you’re not responding in kind. He will try to rope you into an argument. Just be busy and “ok Jon”

[Anonymous]

He’s way overreacting but you know him and how he can blow things out of proportion. You should have just said oh great have fun watching the show. You know the kids will tell him something like “mom doesn’t want us to watch that show anymore”. Why on earth do you drag him into third party mentions which can easily be misconstrued?!
I mean, it’s wrong to walk on eggshells but until you can leave the situation that’s the only thing that saves you from then confrontation!

[Anonymous]

Some previous posters do not seem to understand that someone who tends to overreacts and has anger management issues cannot be a good partner, because they significantly increase the levels of stress and anxiety in the household. Feeling gaslighted and blamed for no reason is not conducive to a healthy upbringing, even if his anger is not directed at the children.

You have all my sympathies, OP. I have a husband like that, and it's been difficult.

[Anonymous]

Learn to gray rock, OP. We can't change other people.

Is he open to a neurophysch avail? If not, learn to detach. Under 1 or 2 roofs, you need this skill and don't have it.

Model being non-reactive yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
On OP’s side. This seems like a very minor convo with the kids that the husband made into a thing.

Same, husband has serious issues

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you the “touch the table” couple? Just divorce already!

Who was this? Must have missed that thread.

Re: your post, OP, I would have let this go re: the tv show. I'd also be careful thinking co-parenting with him is going to greatly change your quality of life.

What diagnoses if any do the kids have? Kids with anxiety, ADHD and ASD do especially poorly with shuttling, I can attest.

OP here. Kids have anxiety and ADHD.

We already tried a separation. There was no improvement in my quality of life. He harassed and threatened me during it, including screaming in my face. That’s why I am trying in therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was out of town for work. My husband texted me out of the blue:

“If you have a problem about any activity I do with the kids (like me watching a show that you watched with them) please talk to me not the kids. We agreed not getting the kids involved in our issues and I expect you to keep to it.”

Then:
“Blocking texts for the rest of the night”

Context: I started watching a TV series with the kids. They mentioned they watched some with him. I said “oh, I was hoping you would wait for me — I want to know what happens.” They explained they watched with him and I said maybe you guys can find another show to watch.

I have no idea what they told him. But I think this text is unreasonable and the blocking texts is just rude and unacceptable. He lashes out in anger when he’s triggered and does not apologize or acknowledge his behavior. Our therapist tried to talk to him last week about how “no one would think it’s ok to yell and shout in the house when they’re angry” and “no one wants to live that way.” Crickets from him.

I just don’t want to live this way anymore. We have two young elementary kids. I don’t want to have them move between two houses but I’m reaching the end of my room with DH’s inability to self regulate and handle trivial issues with maturity. WWYD. We have therapy soon and I want to raise this, suggestions on how?

The blocking want cool

But you were wrong here too op.
You should have just let it go with the kids.
Instead of putting them in the middle that's what you did.
That you can't see that what you did was unfair to them and only want to focus on how he is more wrong is not good.

I really feel badly for your kids marriage or divorce you and your husband are incredibly immature and have poor control over your emotions and reactions and your kids have to deal with it.
Somebody needs to start putting them first.

[Anonymous]

If you have to tiptoe around your partner and their moods and there is any kind of well you made me behave in so and so kind of inappropriate/mean/abusive way and I’m actually the wronged person.

No. Never. You’re dealing with a narcissist. Save yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Some previous posters do not seem to understand that someone who tends to overreacts and has anger management issues cannot be a good partner, because they significantly increase the levels of stress and anxiety in the household. Feeling gaslighted and blamed for no reason is not conducive to a healthy upbringing, even if his anger is not directed at the children.

You have all my sympathies, OP. I have a husband like that, and it's been difficult.

Same. I started educating him on appropriate responses. It’s helped! He’s not a bad dude, but he’s on the spectrum and very fixed. He hooks on to these false notions, and it’s so hard to get him to see beyond. So instead of arguing tit for tat, I explain how to see things from other perspectives, how flexible thinking helps the family whereas rigidity hurts the family and so on. He isn’t happy in the moment but always apologizes later because he knows his weak spots.