Husband’s texts when I was out of town

[Anonymous]

I was out of town for work. My husband texted me out of the blue:

“If you have a problem about any activity I do with the kids (like me watching a show that you watched with them) please talk to me not the kids. We agreed not getting the kids involved in our issues and I expect you to keep to it.”

Then:
“Blocking texts for the rest of the night”

Context: I started watching a TV series with the kids. They mentioned they watched some with him. I said “oh, I was hoping you would wait for me — I want to know what happens.” They explained they watched with him and I said maybe you guys can find another show to watch.

I have no idea what they told him. But I think this text is unreasonable and the blocking texts is just rude and unacceptable. He lashes out in anger when he’s triggered and does not apologize or acknowledge his behavior. Our therapist tried to talk to him last week about how “no one would think it’s ok to yell and shout in the house when they’re angry” and “no one wants to live that way.” Crickets from him.

I just don’t want to live this way anymore. We have two young elementary kids. I don’t want to have them move between two houses but I’m reaching the end of my room with DH’s inability to self regulate and handle trivial issues with maturity. WWYD. We have therapy soon and I want to raise this, suggestions on how?

[Anonymous]

Yeah that seems pretty nasty and unecessary. The therapist can tell you how to discuss.

[Anonymous]

This one’s a you problem. You couldn’t just be happy that they were all spending time together and ask them what happened? I mean it might be ok to be disappointed but it’s just TV and they’re little kids who probably never thought this was an exclusively you activity. And I can see how it came across as criticism.

[Anonymous]

I think his response is an overreaction, unless you have had specific conversations, but he's right about not putting the kids in the middle like that. Your kids shouldn't have to stop doing things that they enjoy because you went out of town, and your comment about wanting to know what happens is weird since them watching it doesn't prevent you from watching it.

[Anonymous]

PP above. Just to clarify, I think his blocking you was an overreaction, I think his text was fine.

[Anonymous]

Anything could have happened to you while you were on travel, blocking you was petty.

The kids shouldn’t be in the middle of you guys conversations true so he was correct about that even though I understand how awful it is when you are watching a show with someone who spoils and narrates so catch up without the kids

[Anonymous]

Were you casual about it with the kids or angry? Do you guys fight a lot? It seems like this is the tip of the iceberg.

[Anonymous]

On OP’s side. This seems like a very minor convo with the kids that the husband made into a thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
On OP’s side. This seems like a very minor convo with the kids that the husband made into a thing.

I am sorry but as the spouse at home when you travel, my job is to keep the kids happy and in their routine. Doing the things the kids miss doing with you is a big part is that. Guilt tripping the kids about doing an activity with their other parent is not OK.

I am not saying that blocking OP wasn’t also wrong, or they the other kids of abusive behavior OP describes aren’t also bad but if they are true then putting the kids in the middle between herself and an abuser that she left them alone with is really problematic.

[Anonymous]

Let it go, OP. Take the loss. If you and your husband get in a fight over this, the kids are going to feel like it’s their fault.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeah that seems pretty nasty and unecessary. The therapist can tell you how to discuss.

Sounds like the therapist has given suggestions. He does not respond.

Does he have processing speed issues or is super defensive? Has he considered getting a neuropsych test so there can be more targeted treatment?

[Anonymous]

Are you the “touch the table” couple? Just divorce already!

[Anonymous]

if you want to bring it up in therapy, you do so neutrally.

Say there was a situation that happened that you both interpreted really differently leading to one party being upset and it was difficult to communicate in a way to resolve it. Could you use this as an example to discuss what each person thought and felt and how it might have been better resolved.

[Anonymous]

It does sound like what you said to the kids had the potential to make them feel hurt or guilty, like they were doing something wrong by watching the show with dad. You shouldn’t have said that to them. Who knows what they said to him, but I can see it as them saying “mom was mad…” even if you didn’t say it in an angry voice.

So I think he was right but also think he should have waited until you were together to say it. Blocking you *for a few hours, after letting you know* sounds like the equivalent of “I’m very upset; if we talk about this now , it will get worse. Let’s talk later.” I’ve ever locked anyone , but I have told my husband that I need safe from x action before I can discuss it in a constructive way.

I think you are both overreacting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It does sound like what you said to the kids had the potential to make them feel hurt or guilty, like they were doing something wrong by watching the show with dad. You shouldn’t have said that to them. Who knows what they said to him, but I can see it as them saying “mom was mad…” even if you didn’t say it in an angry voice.

So I think he was right but also think he should have waited until you were together to say it. Blocking you *for a few hours, after letting you know* sounds like the equivalent of “I’m very upset; if we talk about this now , it will get worse. Let’s talk later.” I’ve ever locked anyone , but I have told my husband that I need safe from x action before I can discuss it in a constructive way.

I think you are both overreacting.

*I’ve never blocked anyone