Husband’s texts when I was out of town

[Anonymous]

I think you need to get out. The kids will adjust. Kids are more resilient than you think.
You are not thinking straight right now. I could not live like this

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think your husband is an AH, but I also think your conversation with the kids was inappropriate for elementary kids.

Kids - we watched X show with Daddy!
You to kids - How fun! I’ll have to catch to you, don’t tell me what happens!
You to spouse - Hey, kids said they watched X show. I was watching that with them. Can you hold off on watching any more episodes before I get home? Sorry I didn’t tell you that be fire I left.

OP here

Yes I totally agree that would have been the best way to handle it. I regretted that I said something to them, although they were like whatever cool he was not. I did mean to talk with him before I left. He stayed out until midnight and I had to crash for the flight, then it slipped my mind while packing to call.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OMG I can't get past page two of this thread. Who the heck are you people. The kind of conversation OP had with the kids was the kind of thing that happens with normal healthy people all the time! Saying aw I was hoping to watch that with you is not damaging to kids, guilt tripping or whatever nonsense you PPs are going on about? WTF?

OP, your husband is totally wrong.

No it isn't. Yes it was. Her husband was wrong for blocking not addressing her behavior towards the kids.
They are both immature.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP above. Just to clarify, I think his blocking you was an overreaction, I think his text was fine.

I completely disagree.

The DH here took the DW's normal comment that she wanted to watch the TV show with the kids completely out of context and out of proportion. It's a HE problem, not a SHE problem.

I've said that sort of thing to my DH many times. He just watches something else with the kids. All is fine. No WWIII here.

Blocking texts for the night? Come on, folks. That's crazy. Therapy doesn't seem to be working, OP. Maybe find a better therapist.

Or a new DH if he refuses to listen to therapists. His behavior is not acceptable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OMG I can't get past page two of this thread. Who the heck are you people. The kind of conversation OP had with the kids was the kind of thing that happens with normal healthy people all the time! Saying aw I was hoping to watch that with you is not damaging to kids, guilt tripping or whatever nonsense you PPs are going on about? WTF?

OP, your husband is totally wrong.

No it’s not normal. Oh dang catch me up is normal.

But that’s our show pick a different one to watch with dad is f’d up.

OP here

I did not say that’s our show. I said oh, I wish you had waited to watch that with me. When they said dad said we could watch, I said why don’t you pick a different show to do with him? To which they said yeah sure! We always watch X with him. I said great show. End of conversation.

Re: context, dad has insisted that his activities with them are his and I’m not to interrupt or join in or take them to do stuff that is “his” stuff. So I started watching my own show with them.

Anyway. There are much

This is so messed up. I feel so bad for your kids. Hopefully they have some stable adult in their lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
On OP’s side. This seems like a very minor convo with the kids that the husband made into a thing.

Completely agree. I would be horrified if my DH sent me a text like that. Over what…a TV show?? Ridiculous.

Blocking a spouse is manipulative BS

Well she did make her kids feel bad over a TV show. I don’t get it. But apparently TV is big enough in that family to fight over.

She did no such thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You were very much in the wrong.

Your husband blocking texts is immature, uncalled for and destructive. My significant other does this. It isn’t okay.

You can only control you. If you want this relationship to continue, do not tell your kids that they are bad for interacting with him. It is horribly destructive to them, to their relationship with their father and of course to your relationship with him. Grow up and catch up alone. Your comments to the kids were just asking for a divorce.

You are twisting OP's words.

She never said the kids are "bad" for watching a TV show with their dad.

Go away and work on your reading comprehension, PP, before you post again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you the “touch the table” couple? Just divorce already!

Who was this? Must have missed that thread.

Re: your post, OP, I would have let this go re: the tv show. I'd also be careful thinking co-parenting with him is going to greatly change your quality of life.

What diagnoses if any do the kids have? Kids with anxiety, ADHD and ASD do especially poorly with shuttling, I can attest.

OP here. Kids have anxiety and ADHD.

We already tried a separation. There was no improvement in my quality of life. He harassed and threatened me during it, including screaming in my face. That’s why I am trying in therapy.

Oh my. I would divorce. Process is ugly but worth it.

I'm so sorry to hear this OP.

I think you need to bite the bullet, get your ducks in order, and prepare for divorce.

Your DH sounds beyond reasonable. Are you really doing your kids any good letting them see this situation? What do you think your DH said to them when he was so angry about your comments about the TV show? I find it hard to believe that he could hide his feelings about you from them.

Divorce will be incredibly painful at first, but it will get better. In the long run, you and your kids will be better. They should not be in this situation. It's not healthy for anyone. Even if you think you're hiding it from the kids, trust me, you are not. They know there's a problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP and DH have experienced a breakdown of trust, so every disagreement starts a fight. One of you can be the peacemaker and change the direction, or you can keep hustling along to divorce.

This is such a knee-jerk post-therapy response.

Yeah, right.

Who will be the "peacemaker" PP?

I read most of this thread, and I'm sure it's not going to be the DH here!!

OP, I think your DH is on the spectrum. He probably has other issues, but his behavior sounds very spectrum-y to me.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-heart-autism/201511/married-partner-the-autism-spectrum

He may have other issues too, but being on the spectrum makes most therapy useless. You need to find a therapist specializing in NT/ASD couples.

Or get ready to leave, which it sounds like you are doing. It's tough, OP. Blessings and strength to you.

[Anonymous]

Unf when living with a psycho like him you need to walk on eggshells and severely limit communication since he blows up at anything and everything

[Anonymous]

Stop letting your kids watch so much TV, send them outside to play. At early ES age they should be tired out and falling asleep soon after dinner, not watching multiple age-inappropriate* shows with their parents.

* I don’t know of any shows appropriate for young ES where plots continue from episode to episode, such that you would miss out if they went ahead without you. But I am happy to be proven wrong

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think your husband is an AH, but I also think your conversation with the kids was inappropriate for elementary kids.

Kids - we watched X show with Daddy!
You to kids - How fun! I’ll have to catch to you, don’t tell me what happens!
You to spouse - Hey, kids said they watched X show. I was watching that with them. Can you hold off on watching any more episodes before I get home? Sorry I didn’t tell you that be fire I left.

OP here

Yes I totally agree that would have been the best way to handle it. I regretted that I said something to them, although they were like whatever cool he was not. I did mean to talk with him before I left. He stayed out until midnight and I had to crash for the flight, then it slipped my mind while packing to call.

OP, it's an episode of a tv show. Do you realize how trivial that is? That it is a big thing in your life or that you are using it as one with your kids in the middle is concerning.

These power dynamics and need to control on your part are not changed by separating, as you literally learned. Find a DBT therapist and work on you, do not mention DH at all.

I was once you and I also found coda useful.

You are externalizing your emotional regulation to keep the dynamic going and probably because you are not neurotypical either. Work on you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here

Some clarifications:

We have a parenting schedule inside the house so we both take different days with the kids

My conversation with the kids happened while I was in town. He seems to have heard about it while I was out of town.

I accept that I could have just let it go as other posters mentioned. I think talking to the kids about it is a grey area and assume it would be fine in a healthy relationship. The kids were not upset, they were like fine we’ll watch X show with him which is what he has been watching with them all along, I said that’s a great show and end of talk.

I would have been fine to talk to him about this, and if I was in the wrong or hurt him in some way, apologize. I do not think it’s ok for him to lash out at me when triggered.

We separated for six months recently. During the separation he was very nasty to me. I mentioned taking the kids to a museum because it was raining one day on spring break and my friend had said it was nice. He also had wanted to take the kids to this museum. He told me “if you take the kids there and ask your friend about it, I will text both your friend and her husband and tell them we are getting a divorce.” That’s the kind of jerk behavior he thinks is OK.

Yes there is likely a mental health issue here, but no he hasn’t gotten evaluated.

You have a “parenting schedule”, are terrible communicators, and you clearly feel victimized by him… and you are still married, why??

Two young kids with special needs.

Do you actually feel like this situation is better for them? Or you? Or him? He sounds like he can handle them alone just fine. Doesn’t seem like being married is providing anyone with extra support.

I think it’s better for them for the time being. One is pretty young and has a tough time sleeping in new places and with new routines. Think the kind of kid who loves his home and bed, who acts out if there’s a substitute teacher, etc. Moving between houses would be rough at this age. Maybe it will change in a couple years.

This is a rationalization- he hates changes because his home life is unstable. Get him a stable home life and he will be able to cope with change better.

You are actively harming your kids by staying. You can’t fix DH.

[Anonymous]

You both are into drama. I'm exhausted just reading your posts. The sad thing is that little kids are dragged into this dysfunction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You were very much in the wrong.

Your husband blocking texts is immature, uncalled for and destructive. My significant other does this. It isn’t okay.

You can only control you. If you want this relationship to continue, do not tell your kids that they are bad for interacting with him. It is horribly destructive to them, to their relationship with their father and of course to your relationship with him. Grow up and catch up alone. Your comments to the kids were just asking for a divorce.

I think DH was more in the wrong. What OP said with her kids would be no big deal in a healthy relationship. However, OP should be aware that she is not in a healthy relationship and anything she says might be used against her or assumed as an attack. Given this, she does have to be very careful about anything she says to DH or the kids.

I would not want to have to go through my marriage walking on eggshells like this but hopefully you can eventually work to move past this very tense time in your marriage.

OP here

Thank you. Yes, I should be more careful.

I have tiptoed around his moods for years now and I think I am just reaching a point where I can’t take it anymore, after several recent incidents that were more like a 8/9 on the scale of tantrums (let’s call this a 1/2).

So I need to figure out how to work this out without losing myself. Other people suggest detach and just grey rock. I’ve tried that. I’ve tried also placating him and giving him everything he wants. Both result in escalation of this behavior. The only thing that has helped so far is getting a male therapist from the same background as him, and actually being quite direct with him about what behavior I won’t tolerate anymore (eg threats, harassment, shouting/screaming, all of the above in front of the kids). That has cut down a lot of the issues. So while I don’t want to be confrontational, I feel like firm boundaries in this situation are a must.

Several therapists who I showed our correspondence to suggested BPD as a possible diagnosis. Whether there is a mental health component or not is irrelevant to the boundary issue.

BPD for you or your Dh? Why are you diagnosis shopping? For another person?

No therapist should be even discussing diagnosis of husband when they have never met him? It’s you they should be looking at if you’re seeking help, perhaps for codependency. I’d run from anyone doing anything but addressing you.

The fact you’re out there doing this makes their rest of your story less credible, IMHO. Like yes, he’s doing this stuff, but for reasons not outlined or divulged
in your posts.

He lost it during COVID and became more and more volatile. After several incoherent rants and explosions including threats to call police (witnessed by my family) I became pretty concerned about him. He quit his therapy that he had been attending for over ten years. I talked with friends who are therapists to see what we were dealing with. It was actually helpful to get that possibility on the table because I was so disoriented by the behavior. Once I realized what to expect it became more manageable in my head.

However I don’t believe it is BPD, I think there is unresolved PTSD (and one friend said BPD is actually a controversial diagnosis and it may just be trauma — I don’t know, I’m not a doctor). All I know is the most volatile behavior has resolved with starting with this male couples therapist. The others who are women he ranted and yelled over.

You have a form of Ongoing Trauma Syndrome from living like this. With an unstable, manipulative and psychologically abusive husband. This is unfortunately the type that is usually high conflict in divorce and continues to abuse via the courts and during separations and onward.

Get your kids in therapy too so they they have boundaries and keep their heads on straight. Someone willing to be a court witness would be ideal. If needed.

OP here
That’s what my therapist thinks. I am trying to slow things down so if it goes to divorce we can at least not be in a super heated mode because that will end in disaster. I am having trouble tolerating his behaviors. Last time I was out of town he texted me that he was moving my stuff out of my car because he wanted to use it from now on. If I ask him about kids stuff and he’s annoyed he will take out his phone and start recording me. Yes I know this is all nuts. It is constant. I usually walk away or just don’t respond. But it starts to get to me.

This thread has given me a lot to think about in terms of whether I am coping well with the situation and what to do to better detach. He has never been this bad before so it is just overwhelming sometimes.