H claims that I abuse him emotionally, whereas I think it is the other way around

[Anonymous]

OP I was around your daughter's age when my mother divorced my father who was like your husband. It was an amazing feeling having peace in the house at last.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like he wants a divorce.

Sounds like he is cheating too.

[Anonymous]

I hate the “modeling a bad relationship” rationale for divorcing. My parents divorced then modeled more defective relationships. Divorcing doesn’t mean you’ll have some relationship worthy of modeling going forward.

Sure, go ahead and divorce if you’re unhappy. (I wouldn’t call it abusive, I’d call it an unhappy marriage with a crabby guy.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let go of the house! Separating it into two units with drywall is not the answer.

This. I don’t understand the obsession with the house. Dividing it will likely devalue it and you’d have to interact with your DH on way too many details.

“Nesting” for the kids’ benefit can work but only when both parents are mature, can communicate well and are mutually docked on what’s best for the kid(s).

Your husband definitely isn’t in that category and maybe not your either.

[Anonymous]

Can’t advise on the divorce part, but I would at least stop trying to coach or correct him unless something was very dangerous or impacted my kid. Let him make sparks in the microwave. Let him leave sour cream out of the recipe. If it sucks it’s on him. You’re going to clean up his messes either way, might as well avoid the nasty response that comes with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would have let him blow up that microwave.

This. They have the money to replace it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can’t protect her. He will treat her better if you stay out of it because he will have to and not blame you. People with HFA often blame others to not take accountability themselves. They have rejection sensitivity because of high anxiety. You being part of the equation gives him an excuse to behave badly. When you are out of it, he will have more reason to behave well. If you want what is best for your daughter I think you let them bond in their own way. It won’t be a neurotypical way but it will hopefully be a loving relationship in the way he can achieve that. He probably only wants one weekend day a week or month anyway. Don’t sweat it.

What a load of crap. You are not only diagnosing this ass&ole as HFA with no evidence whatsoever that he is. Maybe he is just an ass(ole. That's a possibility. Also, there is no such thing as "HFA often blame others." Stop generalizing!!!

[Anonymous]

He sounds awful OP. Nasty and awful.
He is the one who is verbally abusive and emotionally emotion. Petty and juvenile that he accuses you of what he is.

My spouse is the same but it’s partly driven by his aspergers and bipolar. He has said or threatened all the same, but then done nothing to follow through or get better. We ignore him.

Clearly he is not liking his commute where he is 3-4 nights near his office three hours away. But is he better when home or just nasty more frequently when home?

Does he have unmanaged mental disorders or need some anger meds?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think this man plans to divorce you and you should get your ducks in a row. It doesn’t matter how much you adore the house—it is no compensation at all for what you are experiencing.

You have to figure out how to get divorced in a way that will help him disengage more. Directly trying to box him out won’t work. But something might.

Since he is gone 4-5 days a week he could have a whole different life whilst hotel living.

On the other hand, he seems too dysfunctional and clueless to be able to handle that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks everybody for your great input. It is really something to think about.

Regarding his job 3 hours away, that's in a bad area, so there was never any question of us moving there.

While he has cheated several times in the past, I don't think there is another person now.

Oh brother. He’s a bonafide a hole.

If your daughter is already 10 yo you need to speak directly to her about all of this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can’t protect her. He will treat her better if you stay out of it because he will have to and not blame you. People with HFA often blame others to not take accountability themselves. They have rejection sensitivity because of high anxiety. You being part of the equation gives him an excuse to behave badly. When you are out of it, he will have more reason to behave well. If you want what is best for your daughter I think you let them bond in their own way. It won’t be a neurotypical way but it will hopefully be a loving relationship in the way he can achieve that. He probably only wants one weekend day a week or month anyway. Don’t sweat it.

OP here. PP, thanks much for your very useful viewpoint.

+2

This PP was very succinct and helpful regarding a sensitive and seemingly common situation. It is nice when DCUM bands together in support, instead of being defensive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I was around your daughter's age when my mother divorced my father who was like your husband. It was an amazing feeling having peace in the house at last.

+100, except I was a bit older. I actually lost respect for my mom when I was a teen, for just letting my dad treat her like sh*t. I vowed to never let a man treat me that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can’t advise on the divorce part, but I would at least stop trying to coach or correct him unless something was very dangerous or impacted my kid. Let him make sparks in the microwave. Let him leave sour cream out of the recipe. If it sucks it’s on him. You’re going to clean up his messes either way, might as well avoid the nasty response that comes with it.

+1

Bingo. Save your breath, and your sanity, by staying out of his induced common-sense-bankrupt shenanigans. Your daughter sees what is going on. If she asks you, you tell her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I was around your daughter's age when my mother divorced my father who was like your husband. It was an amazing feeling having peace in the house at last.

+100, except I was a bit older. I actually lost respect for my mom when I was a teen, for just letting my dad treat her like sh*t. I vowed to never let a man treat me that way.

Well goody good for you. Stop being so judgmental. You don’t know what your mom went through internally. Have some compassion.

[Anonymous]

This is very disrespectful. Your daughter is seeing this over and over again. You have plenty of financial resources. FORGE