DD leaving for college soon: can we repair our relationship before she leaves?

[Anonymous]

Repairing a relationship isn’t easy or quick. You can start the process by backing off. Take her out to dinner or make a discuss dinner at home. Tell her you love her. Tell her that you are rooting for her. Tell her that if she needs anything at college she should call. Tell her to have fun and study hard.

Be patient and kind and respectful. Treat her like an adult. When you are kind to her, her attitude and behavior will probably change.

[Anonymous]

I would absolutely have a conversation in which you ask her whether she would pay what you are about to pay for someone treating her the way she is treating you to attend college.

I’m not saying cut her off, or don’t. I’m saying that this conversation would not be optional. Hopefully it gets the issues on the table. You are going to have to be under-reactive to whatever she says.

As the parent of current college students, and one recent graduate, I think this is a minefield but one that you do need to tread through. I agree with the PP who speculated that some of this is natural "distancing" behavior for soon to be departing first years, in order to make leaving home and launching into college easier. But your DD's reaction does sound extreme. We have no way of knowing whether whatever grievances she may be nurturing are legitimate, since OP hasn't given further info on that. But there is something to be said for making the point that adulthood means learning not to bite the hand that feeds you---whether it is a parent paying for college, or an employer paying your paycheck.

I wouldn't spell it out as baldly as the PP above, but I do think having a "grown up" conversation about this next stage of life is important. I was always clear with my kids that college was an investment in their future---one that we were making jointly together---parents with money, the student with their time---and while we weren't going to micromanage course selections and grades, nor expect all As---we did expect them to treat college as their "job" and go to class and do their work. Luckily they have done so---had I had one who decided to skip class, smoke pot and made "Ds", then we would have likely cut off the financial spigot quickly and let them spend a year working a minimum wage job and pondering their life choices.

Having a conversation about mutual expectations of this next phase of life will likely draw out some information that will shed light on her thinking. I agree with being non-reactive.

[Anonymous]

Well I will assume that the OP and her spouse were normal parents and weren’t super over bearing. It sounds like the DD is trying to avoid any type of interaction that could make her feel emotional. It’s possible that something traumatic happened and she has buried it and to do that she has to avoid feeling vulnerable with people she loves out of fear she will have to deal with the trauma. It could be something that happened to her or something she did to someone else.

[Anonymous]

My parents were awful when I was under their roof - emotionally abusive, strict, parentifying, all of it. The only reason I still maintain a cordial relationship with them today is because they did one huge and important thing right - they encouraged me to go to the best college possible, supported me financially to the extent possible (I still had to take out loans, but they really did provide what they could), and let me be once I got there - it was up to me how much contact and information I gave them about how things were going.

Please let her go and support her in doing so, OP. Whatever her reasons, she wants to pull away, and the kindest thing you can do is to let her and support her. I'm sure it's painful, but you have to accept that this is what she wants, and that she has the right to define how much of a relationship she has with you going forward. Accepting this and supporting her in moving forward is your best chance for continuing to have her in your life.

[Anonymous]

OP, your focus sounds too much like a drop-date. "Leaving for college .. before she leaves." Steer away from any dramatics.

[Anonymous]

Do you have other kids? If so I would concentrate on them

[Anonymous]

To echo some PPs, I would avoid focusing on the dramatic “cliffhanger” moment of her leaving for college. Today matters, tomorrow matters… it doesn’t feel mature or wise to me to let a timeline dictate how and when you engage with these problems. She may even see your comments as contrived if it’s all about college.

Use the scripts PPs gave but geared to the here and now. Let her know that you are always there to help—today and every day. Tell her that you respect and admire her independence and that you hope you both find your way back to a loving place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd demand answers. Why leave elephant in the room when you're paying her bills? I'd tell her no more until she sits and explains why she is so disrespectful.

Here's an idea:

Instead of "demanding," be curious about the why. If you think you will get an honest, productive response by "demanding" your kid tell you why they are unhappy, etc, you are likely just to get more distance.

The way you say and frame things with teenagers makes a world of difference. "Demanding" is just letting your own emotions get out of control.

[Anonymous]

OP, does your family have secrets your DD is not aware of?

My family kept all sorts of secrets from me---and they gaslit me for decades saying I had a chip on my shoulder. I couldn't have told you why I was uncomfortable being around my parents...until one of them died and all the secrets spilled and it all made sense. However, at that point, there was no way to fix the ruined relationships.

So, if there was ever an impending divorce that you prevented, or financial issues that you fixed, or infidelity, addiction, etc that you thought you were hiding..your DD would have picked up on it. People's voices and facial expressions give so much away to family members...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are making some big assumptions. You assume she's going to struggle. I THRIVED once I left my parents' home. You assume she'll have nobody to lean on when (if) she struggles, but what you mean is that she won't bring her struggles to YOU - presumably she has relationships with other people she can turn to.

My mom thought she was an excellent, warm, caring parent. In reality she was suffocating, passive-aggressive, and manipulative. I completely flourished once I was out of her clutches. She died two years ago still not understanding why I held her at a distance, but I was so much more mentally healthy once I did.

Stop pushing for what you want. Send your DD care packages at school with her fave snacks from home, and maybe a giftcard to places local to her. Ask how school's going and what she's liking in the classes she takes. Listen more than you talk. Absorb more than you give advice. Back off. You can't force a relationship with someone who doesn't want one.

This exactly, my mom thought she was super mom and she was absolutely cruel and evil. I wouldn’t trust talking to her about anything and still struggle with shame and low self esteem from
having such a negative and abusive role model (father died at a young age). Now I’m stuck caring for her as an adult from afar and my children will not meet her. She talks and doesn’t listen, she’s abusive, she is mentally ill and lives in lalaland where she doesn’t realize this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would absolutely have a conversation in which you ask her whether she would pay what you are about to pay for someone treating her the way she is treating you to attend college.

I’m not saying cut her off, or don’t. I’m saying that this conversation would not be optional. Hopefully it gets the issues on the table. You are going to have to be under-reactive to whatever she says.

This is a f’d up way to look at the parent/child relationship. When I am paying my DS’s college tuition, it is not a choice I am making based on how nice he is to me. If you say this to your child, you are really unhealthy and basically guaranteeing damage to your relationship.

I pay college tuition for my child, because I want to give him the opportunity to graduate from college without debt, and I can reasonably afford to do so.

OP, I think you are over-reading the situation. Many kids behave in the way you describe - it is a way of preparing yourself for the separation. My DS did the same.

In college I called weekly, texted funny memes occasionally, asked how classes were, generally did not offer advice unless asked, and tried to praise things that I thought were good. I paid for TH and Xmas and spring break trips home and helped them move in and out if they wanted. I also just kept saying, I love you, without expecting anything in return.

Guess what? Both kids are very independent but see me as helpful and respectful enough of their independence to call when they need help and manage by themselves when they don’t. They say I love you unprompted sometimes and are generally good kids. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, if you don’t over engage or criticize and just try to express your love and support, you will continue to have a positive relationship.

Please see an individual therapist to get some education and support for yourself about what is normal to expect in terms of relationship at this age, and to cope with the transition to empty nest.

[Anonymous]

No more support. A few years moving a broom or shovel or serving ‘Grand Slams’ at Denny’s will teach her the value of work,

[Anonymous]

Ask for some regular schedule of communication when she is at school. It is a new beginning. For my daughter, it was a phone call once a week, on the day of her choosing. It normally turned out to be Sunday.

Approach your daughter with an open heart. Say you are proud of her and excited for her. That You and her father will be so interested to hear about her progress, it would be great if you set up some schedule of communication .

What does she think might work?

[Anonymous]

I don’t think it’s unreasonable at all to have a frank convo about money. I wouldn’t cut her off but I would tell her part of being a grown up is behaving appropriately to people you rely on-boss, professor, roommate you’ve asked to water your plants, etc. real grown ups don’t behave petulantly and assume things will continue unchanged. It’s fine if she doesn’t want to have heart to hearts or even share personal conversations but there is a baseline of civility that if she can’t maintain I would be very concerned abt her ability to function in the world.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for all your varying thoughts on the matter. I have taken many of them to heart, and some I have put into practice. My hope now is that with time we can begin to have a better relationship. It's clear she wants her space, and I mean to give it to her. But at least now she knows I am here for her if she needs me.