DD leaving for college soon: can we repair our relationship before she leaves?

[Anonymous]

My daughter is by all accounts a good and nice person to her friends and boyfriend, but her relationship with her parents (us) has been strained for sometime. My friends and family have no clue but she barely talks to us or even acknowledges us when we are around, and I've even heard her telling friends how awful we are (she has on occasion lied to them as well, saying we have said or done something we flat out did not!). So there are many issues at hand, too many to say. For the past couple of years her way of dealing with her annoyance or maybe frustration with us has been to shut us out and go on living her life without getting us too involved. She follows some of our rules, but basically closes her door when she is home, makes her own meals, and then spends all her free time away from us. I thought she just wanted more independence, so a while ago we told her we understand she wants this and would do our best to flex the rules, things like curfew and such. Well, she took it and ran. Unfortunately the result is now she is leaving for college and basically doesn't talk to us unless she's forced, spending all her free time outside the house, and we are struggling to find a way through it. I dread her leaving for college thinking her family doesn't support her, and her then going out into the world feeling like she has no one to lean on when she's struggling. Whether this is her fault or ours, I'm sure at times it's been one or the other but at this point it really doesn't matter: I need to help her come back to us in a way she will receive, and begin to rebuild trust. I tried talking to her about this months ago and she shut me out, but I'm hoping with her about to leave she might be more open to an honest conversation. Anyone ever deal with something similar and can share words of wisdom? I'm quite heartbroken she seems so unhappy.

[Anonymous]

You are making some big assumptions. You assume she's going to struggle. I THRIVED once I left my parents' home. You assume she'll have nobody to lean on when (if) she struggles, but what you mean is that she won't bring her struggles to YOU - presumably she has relationships with other people she can turn to.

My mom thought she was an excellent, warm, caring parent. In reality she was suffocating, passive-aggressive, and manipulative. I completely flourished once I was out of her clutches. She died two years ago still not understanding why I held her at a distance, but I was so much more mentally healthy once I did.

Stop pushing for what you want. Send your DD care packages at school with her fave snacks from home, and maybe a giftcard to places local to her. Ask how school's going and what she's liking in the classes she takes. Listen more than you talk. Absorb more than you give advice. Back off. You can't force a relationship with someone who doesn't want one.

[Anonymous]

OP, I could have written your post. I have no answer. I am trying to rebuild my relationship with my daughter. She keeps me at arm's length. I understand that she needs her independence. I would love to have an open trusting relationship but maybe she doesn't need that from me.

[Anonymous]

Are you supporting her and paying for her college?
Don't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are making some big assumptions. You assume she's going to struggle. I THRIVED once I left my parents' home. You assume she'll have nobody to lean on when (if) she struggles, but what you mean is that she won't bring her struggles to YOU - presumably she has relationships with other people she can turn to.

My mom thought she was an excellent, warm, caring parent. In reality she was suffocating, passive-aggressive, and manipulative. I completely flourished once I was out of her clutches. She died two years ago still not understanding why I held her at a distance, but I was so much more mentally healthy once I did.

Stop pushing for what you want. Send your DD care packages at school with her fave snacks from home, and maybe a giftcard to places local to her. Ask how school's going and what she's liking in the classes she takes. Listen more than you talk. Absorb more than you give advice. Back off. You can't force a relationship with someone who doesn't want one.

I could have written this except my mom is still alive. After my dad died, she got therapy and began to understand things she had done wrong which resulted in our strained relationship. I got

[Anonymous]

Ugh sorry hit submit. I got therapy in college. I admit I wasn't perfect either. But I flourished being away from home. Had an amazing group of friends. I have a wonderful DH and a healthy marriage. Ds is a great kid. I wish my mom and I were closer. While she can now admit to her manipulation, passive aggression, and control issues and regrets them and has changed, the damage is already done

[Anonymous]

It sounds like best spoiling behavior.

Give it some time.

You know the old expression: If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it’s yours. If it doesn’t, hunt it down and kill it.

[Anonymous]

Well what is she frustrated/annoyed with you about? You’re missing a big part of the story here.

[Anonymous]

Ha, I was like your daughter. I thought my parents hovered too much even though I proved I was very responsible. I know the motive was they wanted my life to turn out different than theirs, but it made me not talk to them at all.

I couldn't wait to move out. I started working to earn money at age 12. I bought all my own clothes in middle school and high school and paid for all my ECs. I never asked for money.

Our relationship improved once I was out of the house. I don't think you can do much about it now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ugh sorry hit submit. I got therapy in college. I admit I wasn't perfect either. But I flourished being away from home. Had an amazing group of friends. I have a wonderful DH and a healthy marriage. Ds is a great kid. I wish my mom and I were closer. While she can now admit to her manipulation, passive aggression, and control issues and regrets them and has changed, the damage is already done

Come back in 15 years and tell us about how your DS is relentlessly judging you.

[Anonymous]

I guess I would want to know how it evolved to this. Some distancing is normal during teen years but a complete withdrawal does seem odd.

Can you share when/ age she began pulling away and what you did then to discuss.

Are you introverted and she extroverted, any social or physical traits she finds embarrassing. Just trying to think of anything that may provide a reason and give you peace.

Wishing you well.

[Anonymous]

As PP stated, you can only see your side of this situation, and your DDs view may be very different.

But the good news is, you seem to have raised an independent self-sufficient person. Well done.

I'd recommend for ANY kid leaving for college(no matter what the family relationship is like) having a conversation about expectations for the college years. Things like what you will pay for vs what she will pay for, travel arrangements to get to/from campus (will you pick her up, who will pay for train/plane tickets, etc), setting up a parent portal account (if available), setting up a regular time to check in (not too often, once a week works for most people). Keep a line of communication open, and when you are communicating, listen more than you speak.

[Anonymous]

My mom and I had a very transactional relationship while I was a teen. Our relationship did improve when I moved out, and while I still wouldn't say we are close, we are so much better than when I was in HS/College.

I don't have much advice for getting her back, but I do think if you trust and give it time it will improve.

[Anonymous]

Perhaps you can invite her to something you know she will like (a restaurant? an activity?), and find a moment while traveling to/from the event, or during it, where you can talk for a short while. Say that you and her father love her very much, and that you will always be there for her, and that she can call you for help at any time after she leaves, day or night. That you're not sure exactly why she has felt the need to distance herself, but that you don't want her to feel unsupported or unloved by her parents when she leaves your home, because you do want to support and love her.

Basically what you told us here. She will feel your sincerity. Don't criticize, don't be negative, just something short and heartfelt.

I had a difficult relationship with my parents before I left their home. My mother has always been incredibly needy, smothering and controlling, and while I didn't mind as a child, I minded a LOT as a teen. My father did not approve of my then-boyfriend, now husband of 20 years (!). When I left, I had distanced myself emotionally for some time.

Also, something really important: some teens need that latent hostility to leave their parents. It's hard to break such a strong familial bond, and some people will spur themselves along by disconnecting emotionally first, to make the parting easier. It also happens when couples separate - sometimes the spouse who leaves will disconnect and become hostile to get themselves in the right headspace to leave the other. In both cases, the one who leaves ties their reasons to something the other did - because that's how they can rationalize the departure. I'm sure, when I left my parental home, I did a little of that too.

So some of it is the pain of leaving, some of it is something she thinks you did. In most cases, it's all a wash and you'll find yourself in a much better relationship with your daughter in a few years. Have hope, OP!

[Anonymous]

I think it matters what you are doing financially for college-not so that you can control her or be in her business (you should entirely back off on kid type rules since she’s an adult) but at the same time she IS an adult snd part of that is compromising with people, particularly ones that pay for your entire existence.

In the real world when you want support and assistance from someone you can’t be not all taking, no gratitude or flexibility.

I think it’s fine to stipulate that since she’s a grown up she needs to behave like one and be civil, not a sullen tween. (But don’t use this as an excuse to try to exert age inappropriate control over her.)