DD leaving for college soon: can we repair our relationship before she leaves?

[Anonymous]

A start is that you need to acknowledge her independence (even if she's not fully financially independent, it sounds like she is very independent in other ways) and build a relationship as adults. Don't try to mother her. Support her. Encourage her. Be a source of stability. Try to find things you enjoy doing together. Don't try to control her with money or rules. She'll just cut you off.

I cut my parents off emotionally when I went to college. They weren't supportive of me and tried again and again to cut me down. I was done. We went many years with minimal contact.

When I was ready to have kids I slowly reestablished the relationship so my kids could have grandparents in their lives. It was okay for a while, but there would be slip after slip where they were cruel to me. I did my best to keep reasonable boundaries to protect myself, while still being kind. It came to a head this past Thanksgiving and our relationship has ended. My kids still call them sometimes, but I'm done. My parents don't love me the way I deserve to be loved. That hurts a ton, but I don't need to keep putting myself out there and being reminded of it. That's even worse.

[Anonymous]

My mother thought she was helpful. I thought she was controlling. I knew how to pick my classes and schedule them. She wanted to plan when I would take which classes. When I pushed against that, she wanted my class schedule each semester so she'd "know where I was". She wanted the names and phone numbers of my roommates' parents. I said no. She wanted to decide which food plan I should have, based on when she thought I should be hungry. She wanted me to take specific clothes to college that I told her I'd never wear. We compromised, and I never wore the ones she forced me to take. She wanted me to call her when I got home to my dorm each night. I told her absolutely not, but I'd call twice a week. When I called she wanted me to tell her eveyrthing I did on Monday, go over each class, each friend I talked to, each meal, then Tuesday, etc. Hell no.

She TRULY thought she was being helpful. She wasn't. She was interrupted my thought process, my schedules, etc.

[Anonymous]

Distance make hearts grow fonder, gift certificates make it grow fonderer. Kidding aside, keep giving love and care and she'll eventually get it in few years.

[Anonymous]

Op don't view "going off to college" as a defining moment. That will help. Will you visit her? Within the first few months, visit, have a meal together. For now, make your time together, short, don't ask a lot of questions. Gradually view the relationship as peers - if you wouldn't ask a question of a friend, or wouldn't say something to a friend, don't ask it of her.

Ideally, she will be financially dependent soon, within a few years. Encourage that. It will be the only way for her to be self reliant, and probably less bratty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are making some big assumptions. You assume she's going to struggle. I THRIVED once I left my parents' home. You assume she'll have nobody to lean on when (if) she struggles, but what you mean is that she won't bring her struggles to YOU - presumably she has relationships with other people she can turn to.

My mom thought she was an excellent, warm, caring parent. In reality she was suffocating, passive-aggressive, and manipulative. I completely flourished once I was out of her clutches. She died two years ago still not understanding why I held her at a distance, but I was so much more mentally healthy once I did.

Stop pushing for what you want. Send your DD care packages at school with her fave snacks from home, and maybe a giftcard to places local to her. Ask how school's going and what she's liking in the classes she takes. Listen more than you talk. Absorb more than you give advice. Back off. You can't force a relationship with someone who doesn't want one.

Best advice so far.

Without knowing what precipitated the distance, we can't really advise you on how to address it. But if your main goal is to keep her in your life and make sure she knows you are there for her, the suggestions above are a great place to start. Give her what she needs and don't try to force intimacy that isn't happening organically. Offer her love and support that isn't conditioned on a specific kind of relationship, and then just be open to how it evolves.

Something broke between you guys at some point (unclear when, did this happen in the last two years or middle school?) and I can't know what or how. But you're still her parents and there are certain things only a parent can provide. Provide them. Do so without judgment and anger. See how it evolves and stay open to different possibilities (and let go of any imagined expectations for how it should work).

[Anonymous]

You sound Op like a friend of mine who thought her kid was the problem child and could not understand why the kid didn’t want to spend time with them. Meanwhile, everyone else knew!

Finally the parent got to therapy and began to work on themselves after blaming others for the situation.

I’d go to a therapist, OP, and keep an open mind.

I could not wait to get away from my own parents. My mom was anxious, depressive, angry with a short fuse and moods varied from generous and decent to screaming at me. I’m sure she was mystified as to why we all got out asap.

I struggle with mental issues myself so I’m sympathetic to those who have issues, but I never was overly controlling. I built trust with my kid from the start by listening to them and using what I learned from parenting instruction. I didn’t want to pass on the trauma.

I hope you can find a loving path forward and I would definitely continue to financially support your child and let them know you have their back.

And be honest with yourself. Reflect on why they might dislike you and seek to be open and change.


Now I am wondering if this OP is a troll. I hope not.

[Anonymous]

My DD had distanced herself in high school. She is graduating college this coming year. We have good moments and moments where she freezes me out. I try to focus on the positive moments. At least your DD has good relationships outside the family, this would give me hope. My DD makes new friends but they typically have fall outs. She has had roommate issues with everyone she has lived with and kicks them out of her life. I think she would have kicked me out long ago if I wasn't her mother. I'm hoping that things will get better over time. It's hard and I feel for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A start is that you need to acknowledge her independence (even if she's not fully financially independent, it sounds like she is very independent in other ways) and build a relationship as adults. Don't try to mother her. Support her. Encourage her. Be a source of stability. Try to find things you enjoy doing together. Don't try to control her with money or rules. She'll just cut you off.

I cut my parents off emotionally when I went to college. They weren't supportive of me and tried again and again to cut me down. I was done. We went many years with minimal contact.

When I was ready to have kids I slowly reestablished the relationship so my kids could have grandparents in their lives. It was okay for a while, but there would be slip after slip where they were cruel to me. I did my best to keep reasonable boundaries to protect myself, while still being kind. It came to a head this past Thanksgiving and our relationship has ended. My kids still call them sometimes, but I'm done. My parents don't love me the way I deserve to be loved. That hurts a ton, but I don't need to keep putting myself out there and being reminded of it. That's even worse.

I could have written this, but I'm still in the toughing it out for the kids phase. The big question for OP, and for anyone in this situation, is to ask whether they can understand what the problem is from their child's side. My dad will never be able to understand this. My mom can understand but can't change, and also just wants absolution for what they did wrong (which I can't give her -- forgiveness, sure, absolution... I'm not god).

In my experience, the harder parents want to push back against the idea that they did anything to contribute to the problem, the more likely the adult child is to just withdraw and move on, because the only thing the relationship holds is constant gaslighting and conflict. If every time your DD sees you or her dad, OP, she feels she is being asked to change her mind, "let it go", or otherwise deny or not acknowledge what she has experienced in your relationship, then she will choose to see you less and less. If you can find a way to at least acknowledge the problems and tell her that she has some reason to feel as she does, it will go a long way towards making it possible for her to find a place for you in her life.

[Anonymous]

Have you thought about what your daughter wants, OP?

My mom wants to repair our relationship - I want to never speak to her again. Because our relationship has always been about her needs and feelings, not mine. And I’m tired of being manipulated and abused.

Which means that I agree that you should start with therapy for yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A start is that you need to acknowledge her independence (even if she's not fully financially independent, it sounds like she is very independent in other ways) and build a relationship as adults. Don't try to mother her. Support her. Encourage her. Be a source of stability. Try to find things you enjoy doing together. Don't try to control her with money or rules. She'll just cut you off.

I cut my parents off emotionally when I went to college. They weren't supportive of me and tried again and again to cut me down. I was done. We went many years with minimal contact.

When I was ready to have kids I slowly reestablished the relationship so my kids could have grandparents in their lives. It was okay for a while, but there would be slip after slip where they were cruel to me. I did my best to keep reasonable boundaries to protect myself, while still being kind. It came to a head this past Thanksgiving and our relationship has ended. My kids still call them sometimes, but I'm done. My parents don't love me the way I deserve to be loved. That hurts a ton, but I don't need to keep putting myself out there and being reminded of it. That's even worse.

Same. Was hoping they could be good grandparents even though they were shit parents but their nature didn’t change.

[Anonymous]

This sounds really hard, OP. Internet advice on stuff like this is tricky. What is happening is so complicated that it can’t be sufficiently conveyed for you to get good, tailored advice. Everyone on this thread is bringing their own baggage along — and it may or may not be relevant here. Your relationship with your daughter is too important to trust to a message board. I’d try therapy if I were you — family if possible, individual if she won’t go. And I wouldn’t force her. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

I'd demand answers. Why leave elephant in the room when you're paying her bills? I'd tell her no more until she sits and explains why she is so disrespectful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd demand answers. Why leave elephant in the room when you're paying her bills? I'd tell her no more until she sits and explains why she is so disrespectful.

This attitude is what drives children away.

[Anonymous]

Get a therapist who can talk through specific situations with you, identify the damage done and provide ongoing help moving forward.

[Anonymous]

Hopefully, you're not paying for college. If she wants to to be independent. Set her 100% free.