DD leaving for college soon: can we repair our relationship before she leaves?

[Anonymous]

I would absolutely have a conversation in which you ask her whether she would pay what you are about to pay for someone treating her the way she is treating you to attend college.

I’m not saying cut her off, or don’t. I’m saying that this conversation would not be optional. Hopefully it gets the issues on the table. You are going to have to be under-reactive to whatever she says.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Such ungrateful people. All thriving at college on their parents dime.

It’s hard to get along with people with difficult personality traits, but you should respect your parents contributions to your life. Raising kids is quite difficult and all of us are flawed.

Hopefully your children will be more accepting of your flaws than you are of your parents.

Oh, you are so wrong. My parents continually tried to cut me off, little by little and in the most harmful way possible. Freshman year my parents announced during Freshman orientation that my books were too expensive, so they weren't paying. So I got three jobs that semester and managed to purchase my books by Thanksgiving. The next semester my dad announced that he was removing me from his health insurance even though keeping me on cost him nothing (it was the same price for 3+ kids). I finally talked him out of that because it was going to cost me thousands and I couldn't go back to college without insurance. That was the same semester he took the rest of the family for a week long ski trip in Utah, when I'd never gone on a family vacation in my whole life. The next year my parents told me just before school started that they wouldn't cover the meal plan so I ended up working even more and borrowing leftover food from friends. The following year he cut off any contribution to my tuition, telling me the week before school started. I sobbed my heart out at the financial aid office and they took pity on me and gave me a loan for his contribution. Later that semester he told me I could no longer use his address for my car insurance, which cost him nothing. So I had to get my own policy as a 20 yo and re-register my car on campus, all on my dime.

It was one thing after another all of college. Why? My dad had some misguided view that I needed to be "independent." Meanwhile my little sister asked for a pool and they had a pool and deck installed in the backyard. They took extravagant vacations. My siblings were gifted iPods, laptops, and dSLRs at Christmas. I was told I was an adult so I shouldn't expect Christmas presents. At school I raided food pantry boxes to eat and begged food scraps from friends. It was really, really stressful.

And on top of it all, my parents made each decision to cut me off further at the worst possible moment, every single time like the day before tuition was due or one month after I'd just paid to re-register my car in my home state. Every single time my dad did his best to leave me with no options. It was spiteful and mean. So no, I'm not just going to forget.

Sounds brutal, but i think my parents outdid yours. They made me pay rent the day I turned 18 (I was still in HS). They did not pay for my college at all. They did not agree to co-sign student loan. While paying for my little brother's private school.

[Anonymous]

[mastodon]

Anonymous wrote:I'd demand answers. Why leave elephant in the room when you're paying her bills? I'd tell her no more until she sits and explains why she is so disrespectful.

Op has left some information out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother thought she was helpful. I thought she was controlling. I knew how to pick my classes and schedule them. She wanted to plan when I would take which classes. When I pushed against that, she wanted my class schedule each semester so she'd "know where I was". She wanted the names and phone numbers of my roommates' parents. I said no. She wanted to decide which food plan I should have, based on when she thought I should be hungry. She wanted me to take specific clothes to college that I told her I'd never wear. We compromised, and I never wore the ones she forced me to take. She wanted me to call her when I got home to my dorm each night. I told her absolutely not, but I'd call twice a week. When I called she wanted me to tell her eveyrthing I did on Monday, go over each class, each friend I talked to, each meal, then Tuesday, etc. Hell no.

She TRULY thought she was being helpful. She wasn't. She was interrupted my thought process, my schedules, etc.

Wow, you were beyond patient. Suffocating parents don’t realize what a nightmare they can be!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Such ungrateful people. All thriving at college on their parents dime.

It’s hard to get along with people with difficult personality traits, but you should respect your parents contributions to your life. Raising kids is quite difficult and all of us are flawed.

Hopefully your children will be more accepting of your flaws than you are of your parents.

PP that thrived in college. My parents said they’d pay for college, but unbeknownst to me, didn’t actually have money for it. So they had me take out a ton of loans under my name, that they swore they’d pay off. Well I graduated and they claimed to be paying them off like they promised, except they defaulted on them and of course the creditors called me because they were under my name and totally F’d up my credit for awhile. And then when I asked why they weren’t paying, they screamed at me that I was ungrateful. I ended up paying the vast majority.

All while they had nice cars, nice house, took vacations, completely supported a sibling that had also graduated… I could go on.

But yeah sure… totally ungrateful.

My parents did the exact same thing to me. Awful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe they cut you off because you made it obvious that you hated them and weren’t grateful to them for raising you?

I have spent my entire life trying to earn their love. Over and over and over they hurt me or dismissed me. At some point you have to protect yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd demand answers. Why leave elephant in the room when you're paying her bills? I'd tell her no more until she sits and explains why she is so disrespectful.

This attitude is what drives children away.

No, because the child can fess up what she's so pissy about.

And then what? Will OP change? Will she apologize? Or will her daughter have just had what will feel to her like then millionth disappointing conversation with her mother. OP should follow the advice to visit and support, and she should get therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hopefully, you're not paying for college. If she wants to to be independent. Set her 100% free.

That will end the relationship forever and cripple her daughter's future.

Unfortunately, there's no box to check on the FAFSA that "My parents are a$$holes and are cutting me off because I don't stroke their ego enough."

That’s ridiculous. If my child lives with me but completely avoids me, doesn’t give me the minimal respect, comes home and closes the door behind her, does not share any meals with me and makes up lies about me mistreating her as well as chooses to attend a college without even consulting with me, then she’s on her own and I’m not going to pay for it. That’s not being an a**hole parent. If she cuts me off in every way and comes home just to crash, then she should deal with financing her college herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe they cut you off because you made it obvious that you hated them and weren’t grateful to them for raising you?

I have spent my entire life trying to earn their love. Over and over and over they hurt me or dismissed me. At some point you have to protect yourself.

This. I still remember what happened at age 17 when I received 213/220 in the Baccalaureate exam in Beirut and was invited to be on TV. My mom said I had cheated (impossible to do). When I won 2nd place in a piano competition for under 15, she said only won because my piano teacher was a jury member (most participants had their teachers as jury members). And when I win a full ride scholarship to go study in a very prestigious college in Germany, she simply never mentioned about the acceptance letter to me. This was a while ago and colleges communicated via regular mail.
I was never good enough no matter what. Unfortunately my siblings are like her also.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd demand answers. Why leave elephant in the room when you're paying her bills? I'd tell her no more until she sits and explains why she is so disrespectful.

Using money to control people never ends well. That's not how you show love.

This. Come an adult when my parents had not helped me in years, not even babysitting when I was hospitalized, I told them to stop the silly treats as they do nothing for me and I consider myself disinherited. I rarely see my mom and haven’t seen my dad in years. Got tired of them being nasty to me and blaming me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hopefully, you're not paying for college. If she wants to to be independent. Set her 100% free.

That will end the relationship forever and cripple her daughter's future.

Unfortunately, there's no box to check on the FAFSA that "My parents are a$$holes and are cutting me off because I don't stroke their ego enough."

That’s ridiculous. If my child lives with me but completely avoids me, doesn’t give me the minimal respect, comes home and closes the door behind her, does not share any meals with me and makes up lies about me mistreating her as well as chooses to attend a college without even consulting with me, then she’s on her own and I’m not going to pay for it. That’s not being an a**hole parent. If she cuts me off in every way and comes home just to crash, then she should deal with financing her college herself.

Maybe you are horrible to her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:[mastodon]

Anonymous wrote:I'd demand answers. Why leave elephant in the room when you're paying her bills? I'd tell her no more until she sits and explains why she is so disrespectful.

Op has left some information out.

Right. This feels very one sided... OP, care to add some context?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe they cut you off because you made it obvious that you hated them and weren’t grateful to them for raising you?

I have spent my entire life trying to earn their love. Over and over and over they hurt me or dismissed me. At some point you have to protect yourself.

This. I still remember what happened at age 17 when I received 213/220 in the Baccalaureate exam in Beirut and was invited to be on TV. My mom said I had cheated (impossible to do). When I won 2nd place in a piano competition for under 15, she said only won because my piano teacher was a jury member (most participants had their teachers as jury members). And when I win a full ride scholarship to go study in a very prestigious college in Germany, she simply never mentioned about the acceptance letter to me. This was a while ago and colleges communicated via regular mail.
I was never good enough no matter what. Unfortunately my siblings are like her also.

At my PhD commencement, my Nobel prize winning advisor came over to tell my parents how impressive I was and how they should be very proud. My dad replied, "Yeah, well my son is going to be a real doctor." I hear you.

For the record, my brother is a failure to launch case and never even managed to complete the pre reqs to apply to med school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Such ungrateful people. All thriving at college on their parents dime.

It’s hard to get along with people with difficult personality traits, but you should respect your parents contributions to your life. Raising kids is quite difficult and all of us are flawed.

Hopefully your children will be more accepting of your flaws than you are of your parents.

+1000. raising kids today is an overwhelming task, both emotionally and financially.
Parents have to think about 1000+ things per day, kids only have 1 thing- themselves. Try to see that parents are doing the best they can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My daughter is by all accounts a good and nice person to her friends and boyfriend, but her relationship with her parents (us) has been strained for sometime. My friends and family have no clue but she barely talks to us or even acknowledges us when we are around, and I've even heard her telling friends how awful we are (she has on occasion lied to them as well, saying we have said or done something we flat out did not!). So there are many issues at hand, too many to say. For the past couple of years her way of dealing with her annoyance or maybe frustration with us has been to shut us out and go on living her life without getting us too involved. She follows some of our rules, but basically closes her door when she is home, makes her own meals, and then spends all her free time away from us. I thought she just wanted more independence, so a while ago we told her we understand she wants this and would do our best to flex the rules, things like curfew and such. Well, she took it and ran. Unfortunately the result is now she is leaving for college and basically doesn't talk to us unless she's forced, spending all her free time outside the house, and we are struggling to find a way through it. I dread her leaving for college thinking her family doesn't support her, and her then going out into the world feeling like she has no one to lean on when she's struggling. Whether this is her fault or ours, I'm sure at times it's been one or the other but at this point it really doesn't matter: I need to help her come back to us in a way she will receive, and begin to rebuild trust. I tried talking to her about this months ago and she shut me out, but I'm hoping with her about to leave she might be more open to an honest conversation. Anyone ever deal with something similar and can share words of wisdom? I'm quite heartbroken she seems so unhappy.

You say "we" a lot. Who is we? Usually its one person causing all the drama.