DD leaving for college soon: can we repair our relationship before she leaves?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No more support. A few years moving a broom or shovel or serving ‘Grand Slams’ at Denny’s will teach her the value of work,

+100!

[Anonymous]

For all the people harping on OP, sometimes people are just born wanting to be independent and free from the start. I have one of these kids and it has been heartbreaking for me to raise her but I’ve had to let her be herself. I had a very hard relationship with my own mother and I have been very aware and conscious of how I’ve raised my kids, especially my oldest daughter. But she was born itching to be independent and basically has been pissed off since then that she couldn’t immediately move out and be on her own and that she has to wait until college to get the freedom she feels is her birth right.

Maybe OP is manipulative, smoothering, made mistakes, sucks. Maybe she is none of that. We don’t know. But there definitely are people who are born just wanting to be out of the house no matter how great their parents are.

[Anonymous]

Haven't read all the responses. OP it's good you want a better relationship. It sounds like you don't understand why she is unhappy with you both. I think your best bet would be to see if you can get her to agree to family therapy over breaks and during the summer. Don't frame it as "you are so rude to us!" Instead say you want to be a better parent to an adult, you want to have a better relationship and you want to understand better how your behaviors have impacted her. If you put the blame on her she will refuse. You truly have to be ready to take ownership of your part. If she has some emotional maturity, she will take ownership of her part too, but even if she doesn't, you making some changes will help and she may come around as you make changes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My daughter is by all accounts a good and nice person to her friends and boyfriend, but her relationship with her parents (us) has been strained for sometime. My friends and family have no clue but she barely talks to us or even acknowledges us when we are around, and I've even heard her telling friends how awful we are (she has on occasion lied to them as well, saying we have said or done something we flat out did not!). So there are many issues at hand, too many to say. For the past couple of years her way of dealing with her annoyance or maybe frustration with us has been to shut us out and go on living her life without getting us too involved. She follows some of our rules, but basically closes her door when she is home, makes her own meals, and then spends all her free time away from us. I thought she just wanted more independence, so a while ago we told her we understand she wants this and would do our best to flex the rules, things like curfew and such. Well, she took it and ran. Unfortunately the result is now she is leaving for college and basically doesn't talk to us unless she's forced, spending all her free time outside the house, and we are struggling to find a way through it. I dread her leaving for college thinking her family doesn't support her, and her then going out into the world feeling like she has no one to lean on when she's struggling. Whether this is her fault or ours, I'm sure at times it's been one or the other but at this point it really doesn't matter: I need to help her come back to us in a way she will receive, and begin to rebuild trust. I tried talking to her about this months ago and she shut me out, but I'm hoping with her about to leave she might be more open to an honest conversation. Anyone ever deal with something similar and can share words of wisdom? I'm quite heartbroken she seems so unhappy.

I would just keep trying. Doesn’t sound like there’s much room for optimism though.

[Anonymous]

Write her a letter. Not an email, a real letter. Tell her you love her very much, that you are so proud of her independence and can't wait to see the amazing things she will do as an adult, but that you are sad and confused about why your relationship has become so distant and strained. Tell her you know it may well be because of things you have done (or not done), and that you hope that some day she will be willing to talk about it, because you want deeply to try to make things better if you can, even if it means grappling with uncomfortable feelings. But then say you understand she may not want to talk, at least not now, and that's not why you are writing her a letter. Tell her you are writing the letter just because you do not want her to go off to college thinking that you don't care, or don't value and support her. Tell her that whether or not she wants to talk, now or later, you just want her to know that you love her and are proud of her and will always be there if she needs you.

Then leave it at that.

[Anonymous]

Family therapy as a requirement of receiving your financial support. Talk to a therapist about how to discuss this don't do it on your own.

[Anonymous]

OLD THREAD

[Anonymous]

Family therapy, had that not occurred to you?

[Anonymous]

I love you

I’m proud of you

I am here if you need me

You can’t say these things too often.

Also, once they start college, respect that it is their home. And you are their visitor. You hate the bedspread, their clothing is a disorganized mess, somethings smells funky and they won’t use the cute coffee cart. That’s fine. It’s their home. Don’t criticize it. Don’t criticize their friends, their roommate, their haircut or their college’s new policy on whatever.
Find a few things you like, and can make genuinely positive comments about. The campus is so pretty when the leaves change. Your dorm room gets such great sunlight. Whatever.

Approach planning a visit from the angle of: we’d like to come see you— does one of these two weekends work? rather than just informing them when you are coming. Respect a no— I have midterms that week/ a big social event, whatever, and ask when would be better. My mother recently called me to complain that my DD could not visit during the specific two hour period she was passing by the school on a weekday because DD has a class, followed by orchestra rehearsal and could I please talk to said child and make her skip these to gisit? Ummm….no. Respect she’s at college to attend class and that orchestra is important to her and change your plans to accommodate that. Or say (without guilting her) that you understand, are sorry to miss her, and will try again next time. Do not be my mother and expect your kid to drop everything because you decide to show up.

Ask how much time they have available for a visit, and respect their time limits. They have homework, friends and plans that don’t involve you. Take the 3 hours they give willingly and really enjoy them over 8 that you force or guilt out of them.

Meet them where they are. A nice walk, a manicure, the coffee shop— those may be your things to do with friends. Don’t demand your kid do them. Instead, do their things. One of my kid loves thrift shops. Not my thing, and I really flew here for a weekend to spend the 4 hours we have together at Goodwill? Runs through my head. Yep. Because that’s their thing.

If they can’t come home for a break or holiday, tell they you will miss them but you understand. Resist the urge to play the guilt card. When they do come home, tell them that you are so happy they love college, and it is exactly where they should be, but you’re happy they made it home because they make the house is always a bit brighter.

And make home a place they want to be. One kid immediately wants “decent Indian” and one misses Mellow Mushroom. So those meals happen. Both have found study spaces in the house that work for them, and we respect their space and need for quiet.

You get the point. I don’t happen to think you get far with “spend time on my terms or I won’t pay”. You just get a kid who is gone for good the second they have financial freedom. Instead, respect their time and space, and preferences, just as you would any friend you visited. And reserve criticisms for really important issues like not following up with a doctor on a health issue or academic probation.

OP— the “I parent, you listen” phase of your relationship is ending. Or over. Accept that and work on building more of an adult relationship. And remember, no good relationship is built overnight. It’s one visit, one thoughtful care package, one funny text of the dog at a time. And that you will get better long term results asking and respecting the answer than demanding.