Reply to DD leaving for college soon: can we repair our relationship before she leaves?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I would absolutely have a conversation in which you ask her [b]whether she would pay what you are about to pay for someone treating her the way she is treating you to attend college[/b].

I’m not saying cut her off, or don’t. I’m saying that this conversation would not be optional. Hopefully it gets the issues on the table. You are going to have to be under-reactive to whatever she says.[/quote]

This is a f’d up way to look at the parent/child relationship.  When I am paying my DS’s college tuition, it is not a choice I am making based on how nice he is to me.  If you say this to your child, you are really unhealthy and basically guaranteeing damage to your relationship.

I pay college tuition for my child, because I want to give him the opportunity to graduate from college without debt, and I can reasonably afford to do so.

OP, I think you are over-reading the situation.  Many kids behave in the way you describe - it is a way of preparing yourself for the separation.  My DS did the same.

In college I called weekly, texted funny memes occasionally, asked how classes were, generally did not offer advice unless asked, and tried to praise things that I thought were good.  I paid for TH and Xmas and spring break trips home and helped them move in and out if they wanted.  I also just kept saying, I love you, without expecting anything in return.

Guess what? Both kids are very independent but see me as helpful and respectful enough of their independence to call when they need help and manage by themselves when they don’t. They say I love you unprompted sometimes and are generally good kids.  Absence makes the heart grow fonder, if you don’t over engage or criticize and just try to express your love and support, you will continue to have a positive relationship.

Please see an individual therapist to get some education and support for yourself about what is normal to expect in terms of relationship at this age, and to cope with the transition to empty nest.[/quote]

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