DD leaving for college soon: can we repair our relationship before she leaves?

[Anonymous]

You say you need her to know you support her and you want to help her find her way back to you, but this is really a way of making it about yourself. YOU are the one who needs the assurance--not her. You're afraid she'll leave for college and never come back in the way you'd like her to. That's understandable. But maybe that's not what she needs, and you need to give her the space to sort things out on her own. The physical and emotional distance that college provides should help things unless you don't respect that space. You have to trust her a bit here. You can't force someone to want a relationship with you. Both parties have to be willing. And the kind of relationship she wants with you might be different than what you want.

My mom and I did not have a good relationship when I was a teenager, for many reasons. But one of the things that I appreciated the most about her was that once I left for college, she let me live my life. There were still expectations, of course, but she stopped trying to control everything and she never burdened me with her own emotional needs. In hindsight, I'm sure it was hard on her to not hear from me very often, and to see me only at holidays during the school year. I'm sure she worried about me constantly. I'm sure she wanted a closer relationship with me. But she never put that on me. She let me know she loved me and was there if I needed her, but then she backed off and trusted me to live my life.

Our relationship got much better once I left for college. We actually enjoyed each other's company after a while in large part because she treated me more like an adult peer. She died of cancer right after I graduated. I'd like to think that our newfound camaraderie would've lasted, but I really don't know. Although I'm sure if she were still alive, we'd find something to argue about on occasion and she'd still be driving me nuts in some way!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well what is she frustrated/annoyed with you about? You’re missing a big part of the story here.

this

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd demand answers. Why leave elephant in the room when you're paying her bills? I'd tell her no more until she sits and explains why she is so disrespectful.

This attitude is what drives children away.

No, because the child can fess up what she's so pissy about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hopefully, you're not paying for college. If she wants to to be independent. Set her 100% free.

That will end the relationship forever and cripple her daughter's future.

Unfortunately, there's no box to check on the FAFSA that "My parents are a$$holes and are cutting me off because I don't stroke their ego enough."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd demand answers. Why leave elephant in the room when you're paying her bills? I'd tell her no more until she sits and explains why she is so disrespectful.

Using money to control people never ends well. That's not how you show love.

[Anonymous]

Write in a card, "I want you to know we support you, and we will always be here for you if you need us. If you need anything, anything at all, please call me. I love you. Mom."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are making some big assumptions. You assume she's going to struggle. I THRIVED once I left my parents' home. You assume she'll have nobody to lean on when (if) she struggles, but what you mean is that she won't bring her struggles to YOU - presumably she has relationships with other people she can turn to.

My mom thought she was an excellent, warm, caring parent. In reality she was suffocating, passive-aggressive, and manipulative. I completely flourished once I was out of her clutches. She died two years ago still not understanding why I held her at a distance, but I was so much more mentally healthy once I did.

Stop pushing for what you want. Send your DD care packages at school with her fave snacks from home, and maybe a giftcard to places local to her. Ask how school's going and what she's liking in the classes she takes. Listen more than you talk. Absorb more than you give advice. Back off. You can't force a relationship with someone who doesn't want one.

[phone]

I blossomed after leaving for college. My mom would tell you she was an excellent mother. She was not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Write in a card, "I want you to know we support you, and we will always be here for you if you need us. If you need anything, anything at all, please call me. I love you. Mom."

This right here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are making some big assumptions. You assume she's going to struggle. I THRIVED once I left my parents' home. You assume she'll have nobody to lean on when (if) she struggles, but what you mean is that she won't bring her struggles to YOU - presumably she has relationships with other people she can turn to.

My mom thought she was an excellent, warm, caring parent. In reality she was suffocating, passive-aggressive, and manipulative. I completely flourished once I was out of her clutches. She died two years ago still not understanding why I held her at a distance, but I was so much more mentally healthy once I did.

Stop pushing for what you want. Send your DD care packages at school with her fave snacks from home, and maybe a giftcard to places local to her. Ask how school's going and what she's liking in the classes she takes. Listen more than you talk. Absorb more than you give advice. Back off. You can't force a relationship with someone who doesn't want one.

Did you ever try to speak to her? Or just hold it all in and hold it against her? Because I"m not sure the latter was super helpful if so. And I came from what you describe, and WORSE (abuse). So, yeah, I know what i speak of.

[Anonymous]

When I went to college, I thrived. But still, as a middle aged adult with children of my own, my mom will say I “changed” when I went to college. Of course I did. But she said/says it like it was a bad thing. I graduated from a top 5 national program with a high GPA, joined a sorority, did lots of philanthropy and extracurriculars, had tons of friends … it was an amazing experience.

She never went to college herself. After lots of therapy for dealing with her narcissistic self, I know it’s likely that she was jealous. She also came to visit me maybe twice in 5 years.

Please don’t be like her.

[Anonymous]

Such ungrateful people. All thriving at college on their parents dime.

It’s hard to get along with people with difficult personality traits, but you should respect your parents contributions to your life. Raising kids is quite difficult and all of us are flawed.

Hopefully your children will be more accepting of your flaws than you are of your parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Such ungrateful people. All thriving at college on their parents dime.

It’s hard to get along with people with difficult personality traits, but you should respect your parents contributions to your life. Raising kids is quite difficult and all of us are flawed.

Hopefully your children will be more accepting of your flaws than you are of your parents.

Oh, you are so wrong. My parents continually tried to cut me off, little by little and in the most harmful way possible. Freshman year my parents announced during Freshman orientation that my books were too expensive, so they weren't paying. So I got three jobs that semester and managed to purchase my books by Thanksgiving. The next semester my dad announced that he was removing me from his health insurance even though keeping me on cost him nothing (it was the same price for 3+ kids). I finally talked him out of that because it was going to cost me thousands and I couldn't go back to college without insurance. That was the same semester he took the rest of the family for a week long ski trip in Utah, when I'd never gone on a family vacation in my whole life. The next year my parents told me just before school started that they wouldn't cover the meal plan so I ended up working even more and borrowing leftover food from friends. The following year he cut off any contribution to my tuition, telling me the week before school started. I sobbed my heart out at the financial aid office and they took pity on me and gave me a loan for his contribution. Later that semester he told me I could no longer use his address for my car insurance, which cost him nothing. So I had to get my own policy as a 20 yo and re-register my car on campus, all on my dime.

It was one thing after another all of college. Why? My dad had some misguided view that I needed to be "independent." Meanwhile my little sister asked for a pool and they had a pool and deck installed in the backyard. They took extravagant vacations. My siblings were gifted iPods, laptops, and dSLRs at Christmas. I was told I was an adult so I shouldn't expect Christmas presents. At school I raided food pantry boxes to eat and begged food scraps from friends. It was really, really stressful.

And on top of it all, my parents made each decision to cut me off further at the worst possible moment, every single time like the day before tuition was due or one month after I'd just paid to re-register my car in my home state. Every single time my dad did his best to leave me with no options. It was spiteful and mean. So no, I'm not just going to forget.

[Anonymous]

Maybe they cut you off because you made it obvious that you hated them and weren’t grateful to them for raising you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Such ungrateful people. All thriving at college on their parents dime.

It’s hard to get along with people with difficult personality traits, but you should respect your parents contributions to your life. Raising kids is quite difficult and all of us are flawed.

Hopefully your children will be more accepting of your flaws than you are of your parents.

PP that thrived in college. My parents said they’d pay for college, but unbeknownst to me, didn’t actually have money for it. So they had me take out a ton of loans under my name, that they swore they’d pay off. Well I graduated and they claimed to be paying them off like they promised, except they defaulted on them and of course the creditors called me because they were under my name and totally F’d up my credit for awhile. And then when I asked why they weren’t paying, they screamed at me that I was ungrateful. I ended up paying the vast majority.

All while they had nice cars, nice house, took vacations, completely supported a sibling that had also graduated… I could go on.

But yeah sure… totally ungrateful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Such ungrateful people. All thriving at college on their parents dime.

It’s hard to get along with people with difficult personality traits, but you should respect your parents contributions to your life. Raising kids is quite difficult and all of us are flawed.

Hopefully your children will be more accepting of your flaws than you are of your parents.

Oh, you are so wrong. My parents continually tried to cut me off, little by little and in the most harmful way possible. Freshman year my parents announced during Freshman orientation that my books were too expensive, so they weren't paying. So I got three jobs that semester and managed to purchase my books by Thanksgiving. The next semester my dad announced that he was removing me from his health insurance even though keeping me on cost him nothing (it was the same price for 3+ kids). I finally talked him out of that because it was going to cost me thousands and I couldn't go back to college without insurance. That was the same semester he took the rest of the family for a week long ski trip in Utah, when I'd never gone on a family vacation in my whole life. The next year my parents told me just before school started that they wouldn't cover the meal plan so I ended up working even more and borrowing leftover food from friends. The following year he cut off any contribution to my tuition, telling me the week before school started. I sobbed my heart out at the financial aid office and they took pity on me and gave me a loan for his contribution. Later that semester he told me I could no longer use his address for my car insurance, which cost him nothing. So I had to get my own policy as a 20 yo and re-register my car on campus, all on my dime.

It was one thing after another all of college. Why? My dad had some misguided view that I needed to be "independent." Meanwhile my little sister asked for a pool and they had a pool and deck installed in the backyard. They took extravagant vacations. My siblings were gifted iPods, laptops, and dSLRs at Christmas. I was told I was an adult so I shouldn't expect Christmas presents. At school I raided food pantry boxes to eat and begged food scraps from friends. It was really, really stressful.

And on top of it all, my parents made each decision to cut me off further at the worst possible moment, every single time like the day before tuition was due or one month after I'd just paid to re-register my car in my home state. Every single time my dad did his best to leave me with no options. It was spiteful and mean. So no, I'm not just going to forget.

If I had more than one sibling and you’d said mom instead of dad, I’d think we were the same person