Sister is pregnant and says we need to stop being toxic around her baby

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
You can't talk about anything other than your appearance when her daughter is around? Really?

OF COURSE we can! That is not the point. It’s natural for the conversation to steer into these topics usually directed by HER.

You still don't get it, OP. It's NOT natural for the conversations to steer into these topics and if it is for you and your sisters, it IS toxic. Especially to a growing girl.

I posted before but my family always talked about looks. even when telling us about someone getting married. This is the conversation I literally just heard between my mother and her sister.

Billy just got married. The wife is nice. She's heavy. Not heavy, heavy, but (and the arms show wide hips) heavy. Her hair is thick, but she has bangs that cover her eyes.

Aunt - She has a pretty face. She needs to clear the pimples, but her face is pretty.

Me- does she work? What does she do?

They - yes, she has good career. She wears suits to work, but they are tight on her.

Me - what does she do?

They stare at me and don't know how to respond.


That's how I picture you and your sisters,OP. It's not good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
You can't talk about anything other than your appearance when her daughter is around? Really?

OF COURSE we can! That is not the point. It’s natural for the conversation to steer into these topics usually directed by HER.

You still don't get it, OP. It's NOT natural for the conversations to steer into these topics and if it is for you and your sisters, it IS toxic. Especially to a growing girl.

I posted before but my family always talked about looks. even when telling us about someone getting married. This is the conversation I literally just heard between my mother and her sister.

Billy just got married. The wife is nice. She's heavy. Not heavy, heavy, but (and the arms show wide hips) heavy. Her hair is thick, but she has bangs that cover her eyes.

Aunt - She has a pretty face. She needs to clear the pimples, but her face is pretty.

Me- does she work? What does she do?

They - yes, she has good career. She wears suits to work, but they are tight on her.

Me - what does she do?

They stare at me and don't know how to respond.


That's how I picture you and your sisters,OP. It's not good.

+1 I am a PP too and this is exactly what goes down in my family of origin. I could call my mom right now and somehow she'd work it in to tell me what all she's eaten and how she feels like a pig. She's in her 80s and weighs under 110 pounds.

Your sister might be overreacting in the moment (although I have a sense the OP isn't the most reliable narrator), but her instinct here isn't wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s pretty unanimous! Team sister all the way!!

I guess you need to re read page 3!
If sister is participating, then she’s hypocritical. I would point it out every time she does it.

Going back to page 3!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My younger sister is pregnant with a girl and has warned the rest of us that she will ban us from engaging with her child if we continue toxic behaviors around her. The toxic behaviors she is citing is as follows:

- comments about having a bad hair or skin day
- comments about losing or gaining weight
- comments about beauty and being pretty

We are a large family with 5 sisters so obviously a lot of our talk is about who lost weight who started a new workout who iss eating what meal plan etc.

I know she means well but it seems a bit extreme. We feel like we must walk on egg shells around her.

No, this is not "obvious" - it's toxic. I have a big, close group of long time women friends, and this kinda stuff comes up, like, 5% of the time. Your sister is right. You're so deep into this you don't see how unhealthy it is for you, for your family, and absolutely for this new baby for this to be such a huge part of your mental and social energy. At an absolute minimum, you need to cut this stuff out in front of your niece. But honestly, I hope you take this as the wake up call you need. There is more to life than what you look like and what you weigh. Do you talk about... the news? Your jobs? Parenting? What you do in your free time? Good TV you've been watching?

The fact that you find this extreme and that you're walking on egg shells means that this is a huge part of your thought and conversational patterns. Honestly, that's so sad. You have this one amazing and wonderful life. Find something else to focus on. Not just for your sister or your niece, but for you.

I agree with you 100%! I have sisters, and a lot of women friends, and these subjects never come up, ever. See your sister's reasonable request as a reset button.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow I’m surprised everyone is so anti-OP. I actually find food and fitness to come up a lot with friends - it’s a big part of daily life. And it becomes a slippery slope of what is ok to talk about and what is vanity. So I think making weight a completely taboo topic isn’t the answer. The answer is balance like most things. I have seen how body positive all my 19 year old friends are and most of them came back from their freshman year of college having gained weight as you absolutely can’t say anything. This just isn’t healthy either!
Regardless your sister is telling you she’s not comfortable either because you all talk about it too much or her own personal insecurities or whatever. You have to respect that. To lay down this boundary when she’s pregnant before the child is born or can talk…yep, I agree it’s over the top.

Why do you *need* to say something to a 19 year old who gained weight? And why do you think that pointing it out would help? Lady, you are the problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I never talk about those topics with my sister or girlfriends.

Same. Team Sister. Quit talking about weight, diets and body image issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow I’m surprised everyone is so anti-OP. I actually find food and fitness to come up a lot with friends - it’s a big part of daily life. And it becomes a slippery slope of what is ok to talk about and what is vanity. So I think making weight a completely taboo topic isn’t the answer. The answer is balance like most things. I have seen how body positive all my 19 year old friends are and most of them came back from their freshman year of college having gained weight as you absolutely can’t say anything. This just isn’t healthy either!
Regardless your sister is telling you she’s not comfortable either because you all talk about it too much or her own personal insecurities or whatever. You have to respect that. To lay down this boundary when she’s pregnant before the child is born or can talk…yep, I agree it’s over the top.

Why do you *need* to say something to a 19 year old who gained weight? And why do you think that pointing it out would help? Lady, you are the problem.

It’s not healthy. You can argue all you want but bottom line is excess weight isn’t good for our bodies. Telling these girls it’s fine and to embrace it isn’t in their best long term interests.
I’ve had autoimmune joint issues all my life and can’t understand why anyone would not take care of their bodies and cause it harm if it’s within their power to change it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
You can't talk about anything other than your appearance when her daughter is around? Really?

OF COURSE we can! That is not the point. It’s natural for the conversation to steer into these topics usually directed by HER.

You still don't get it, OP. It's NOT natural for the conversations to steer into these topics and if it is for you and your sisters, it IS toxic. Especially to a growing girl.

I posted before but my family always talked about looks. even when telling us about someone getting married. This is the conversation I literally just heard between my mother and her sister.

Billy just got married. The wife is nice. She's heavy. Not heavy, heavy, but (and the arms show wide hips) heavy. Her hair is thick, but she has bangs that cover her eyes.

Aunt - She has a pretty face. She needs to clear the pimples, but her face is pretty.

Me- does she work? What does she do?

They - yes, she has good career. She wears suits to work, but they are tight on her.

Me - what does she do?

They stare at me and don't know how to respond.


That's how I picture you and your sisters,OP. It's not good.

+1 I am a PP too and this is exactly what goes down in my family of origin. I could call my mom right now and somehow she'd work it in to tell me what all she's eaten and how she feels like a pig. She's in her 80s and weighs under 110 pounds.

Your sister might be overreacting in the moment (although I have a sense the OP isn't the most reliable narrator), but her instinct here isn't wrong.

+3 This is how my mom talks about every relative or family friend she goes to visit. Literally the first thing she reports on is whether the person has gained or lost weight. She just got back from visiting my cousin, who is a new mom. Me: "how's Nicole?" Mom: "She looks good! The baby weight is just falling right off, must be because she's young!"

[Anonymous]

She’s right. I wouldn’t call you toxic but you shouldn’t talk about that stuff around kids.

[Anonymous]

Good for your sister! Honestly this should not be hard to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow I’m surprised everyone is so anti-OP. I actually find food and fitness to come up a lot with friends - it’s a big part of daily life. And it becomes a slippery slope of what is ok to talk about and what is vanity. So I think making weight a completely taboo topic isn’t the answer. The answer is balance like most things. I have seen how body positive all my 19 year old friends are and most of them came back from their freshman year of college having gained weight as you absolutely can’t say anything. This just isn’t healthy either!
Regardless your sister is telling you she’s not comfortable either because you all talk about it too much or her own personal insecurities or whatever. You have to respect that. To lay down this boundary when she’s pregnant before the child is born or can talk…yep, I agree it’s over the top.

Why do you *need* to say something to a 19 year old who gained weight? And why do you think that pointing it out would help? Lady, you are the problem.

Family history of diabetes here. It’s certainly worth educating my children about. I just spent time with my father who is unable to walk because he didn’t take care of his diabetes. It’s much easier to change eating habits when you’re younger. I want better for my kids.
In my house with my teenage girls we don’t avoid talking about food and weight. We talk about it in a very clinical manner and try to keep emotion/judgment out of it. We talk about macros and food as fuel for your body. To me, that is the correct way to approach it, not ignore it. None of us know the conversations OP has with her sister. I don’t think all talk of weight is bad though. The talk some people (mostly mothers) are using as an example? Yep, that’s toxic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you think this is "walking on eggshells," you really are toxic, or possibly just very very boring.

Read a book, or find something else that engages you and makes you happy and doesn't affect your appearance at all.

This x10000. Don’t you and your siblings have careers, interests, hobbies, like sports, or have knowledge of current events that you can discuss?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow I’m surprised everyone is so anti-OP. I actually find food and fitness to come up a lot with friends - it’s a big part of daily life. And it becomes a slippery slope of what is ok to talk about and what is vanity. So I think making weight a completely taboo topic isn’t the answer. The answer is balance like most things. I have seen how body positive all my 19 year old friends are and most of them came back from their freshman year of college having gained weight as you absolutely can’t say anything. This just isn’t healthy either!
Regardless your sister is telling you she’s not comfortable either because you all talk about it too much or her own personal insecurities or whatever. You have to respect that. To lay down this boundary when she’s pregnant before the child is born or can talk…yep, I agree it’s over the top.

Why do you *need* to say something to a 19 year old who gained weight? And why do you think that pointing it out would help? Lady, you are the problem.

It’s not healthy. You can argue all you want but bottom line is excess weight isn’t good for our bodies. Telling these girls it’s fine and to embrace it isn’t in their best long term interests.
I’ve had autoimmune joint issues all my life and can’t understand why anyone would not take care of their bodies and cause it harm if it’s within their power to change it.

She's 19. She's presumably heard of the connection between weight and health. She does NOT need you her to tell her. No one is telling you to tell her it's fine and to embrace it. They're telling you to shut up about it. Ask her how school is going. Ask her if she's enjoying her summer. Ask her who her favorite professor is so far. Don't talk about her weight!

It's so funny how people want to butt in on this. I rarely floss, and NO one has every lectured me on it besides... my dentist. I never show up to someone's house for the weekend and have them say "oh, I see you didn't bring floss! You must floss it's so important for health." People just... realize it's none of their business? Weight is the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow I’m surprised everyone is so anti-OP. I actually find food and fitness to come up a lot with friends - it’s a big part of daily life. And it becomes a slippery slope of what is ok to talk about and what is vanity. So I think making weight a completely taboo topic isn’t the answer. The answer is balance like most things. I have seen how body positive all my 19 year old friends are and most of them came back from their freshman year of college having gained weight as you absolutely can’t say anything. This just isn’t healthy either!
Regardless your sister is telling you she’s not comfortable either because you all talk about it too much or her own personal insecurities or whatever. You have to respect that. To lay down this boundary when she’s pregnant before the child is born or can talk…yep, I agree it’s over the top.

Why do you *need* to say something to a 19 year old who gained weight? And why do you think that pointing it out would help? Lady, you are the problem.

It’s not healthy. You can argue all you want but bottom line is excess weight isn’t good for our bodies. Telling these girls it’s fine and to embrace it isn’t in their best long term interests.
I’ve had autoimmune joint issues all my life and can’t understand why anyone would not take care of their bodies and cause it harm if it’s within their power to change it.

"My 19 year old friends" leads me to assume that you are 19 too. I remember being your age and so certain about so much and if life has taught me anything it's to be more understanding and less "right" or you can "right" yourself all the way to alone. It is not your job to say anything to anyone ever. I promise you your 19 year old friends know if they've gained weight and their clothes don't fit. It's not a secret to them and unless they ask you specifically for your keys to success, stfu.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow I’m surprised everyone is so anti-OP. I actually find food and fitness to come up a lot with friends - it’s a big part of daily life. And it becomes a slippery slope of what is ok to talk about and what is vanity. So I think making weight a completely taboo topic isn’t the answer. The answer is balance like most things. I have seen how body positive all my 19 year old friends are and most of them came back from their freshman year of college having gained weight as you absolutely can’t say anything. This just isn’t healthy either!
Regardless your sister is telling you she’s not comfortable either because you all talk about it too much or her own personal insecurities or whatever. You have to respect that. To lay down this boundary when she’s pregnant before the child is born or can talk…yep, I agree it’s over the top.

Why do you *need* to say something to a 19 year old who gained weight? And why do you think that pointing it out would help? Lady, you are the problem.

It’s not healthy. You can argue all you want but bottom line is excess weight isn’t good for our bodies. Telling these girls it’s fine and to embrace it isn’t in their best long term interests.
I’ve had autoimmune joint issues all my life and can’t understand why anyone would not take care of their bodies and cause it harm if it’s within their power to change it.

She's 19. She's presumably heard of the connection between weight and health. She does NOT need you her to tell her. No one is telling you to tell her it's fine and to embrace it. They're telling you to shut up about it. Ask her how school is going. Ask her if she's enjoying her summer. Ask her who her favorite professor is so far. Don't talk about her weight!

It's so funny how people want to butt in on this. I rarely floss, and NO one has every lectured me on it besides... my dentist. I never show up to someone's house for the weekend and have them say "oh, I see you didn't bring floss! You must floss it's so important for health." People just... realize it's none of their business? Weight is the same.

My child’s health IS my business. You can choose to take the approach of ignore and maybe it works for you, but you similarly don’t need to judge others. If your kid was squinting, would you tell them it’s time for an eye exam or just make it none of your business? Using your analogy, did you teach your child to floss their teeth or just hope their dentist took care of it?