Sister is pregnant and says we need to stop being toxic around her baby

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My son developed a pediatric feeding disorder from this type of talk. It’s cost us *thousands* of dollars and affected his growth. You can get out of here with that martyr complex. Team sister.

Weird

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Another team sister. My mom is from a family of four sisters. They are in their 50s and 60s now and I don't recall ever hearing them talk about appearances.

My mom has three sisters. I have two. The times weight or diet or appearance have come up in our conversations are limited to:
- one time my mother was chatting with her twin about whether she should dye her greys
- someone developed an allergy and was making people aware for holiday meal planning purposes
- some compliments about people’s clothes/new hair style/etc (never about weight because I’ve never thought of it as something one compliments any more than one compliments someone else’s foot size)

Team sister.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My younger sister is pregnant with a girl and has warned the rest of us that she will ban us from engaging with her child if we continue toxic behaviors around her. The toxic behaviors she is citing is as follows:

- comments about having a bad hair or skin day
- comments about losing or gaining weight
- comments about beauty and being pretty

We are a large family with 5 sisters so obviously a lot of our talk is about who lost weight who started a new workout who iss eating what meal plan etc.

I know she means well but it seems a bit extreme. We feel like we must walk on egg shells around her.

Maybe dial down that talk some as she's not wrong. But, as for "what happens" that's on her. If she wants to completely disengage from her own family, that's only going to harm her and her kid. Additionally, Baby Girl is going to hear things she doesn't like in life and you're sister is going to learn that the hard way.

I'm team sister too. My mom has 4 sisters and they were so obsessed with looks and weight that both my sister and I developed severe eating disorders. I think we would have been better off if my mom cut us off from them and realized how bad it was that a lot of their talk was about weight, diets, and looks (who got pimples, how everyone's hair looked). Ugh!!

[Anonymous]

Maybe the delivery was rough (or your summary is), but your sister has a very valid point.

I am one of 3 girls who was raised by parents who were VERY focused on looks, weight, etc. My "bless your heart" mother will comment on her own weight/eating/feeling like a pig, daily when we're together and will comment on strangers, friends, family, etc. Rarely does she say anything directly to her girls, but we all know what she and my dad are thinking. My mom still tells stories about leaving the hospital post birth in her pre-pregnancy clothes and my dad's comments influencing her eating when she was younger. So toxic and so ingrained into who they are. The outcome has been 1 sister with an eating disorder who has a child who has battled an eating disorder, and I have daily intrusive thoughts around being unhappy with my appearance, body, weight, etc. Not sure how it's impacted my other sister.

I know plenty of women who do the exact same shit with each other in front of their kids/daughters. Talk about feeling fat, what they've eaten, etc. and these are tiny women. And for my friends with teenage girls, even if they've been careful, the messaging around weight, looks, food, etc. is so insidious and all over social media, which then infiltrates peer groups.

[Anonymous]

It’s pretty unanimous! Team sister all the way!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s pretty unanimous! Team sister all the way!!

I guess you need to re read page 3!
If sister is participating, then she’s hypocritical. I would point it out every time she does it.

[Anonymous]

If, as OP said, the pregnant sister is one who has started these body-image, eating plan, size and weight conversations herself, then sister is apparently having a revelation about herself as well as other people.

Pregnant sister is probably reading up on having a girl and on how young girls are absorbing negative body image talk from a very early age, and how damaging that can be over a lifetime.

Good for sister/mother-to-be, that she's becoming aware of all this and wants to be as self-aware as possible and make her family more aware of it too.

But sister also is swinging toward an extreme with pronouncements about "bans" and finger-pointing while she shouts about "toxicity" especially if she's engaged in this talk herself in the past. It's good if she's realizing her family talks way too much about all this, but she will need to learn how to get people to understand these issues without threatening bans etc. before her child's even born. So: Good motivation is there, but the handling is poor and overly dramatic. Sister needs to be resilient, not brittle, if she wants to change the family's culture around this kind of talk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can't talk about anything other than your appearance when her daughter is around? Really?

OF COURSE we can! That is not the point. It’s natural for the conversation to steer into these topics usually directed by HER.

Troll? Changing your story after the first post?

Is sister planning to ban herself from the baby?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s pretty unanimous! Team sister all the way!!

I guess you need to re read page 3!
If sister is participating, then she’s hypocritical. I would point it out every time she does it.

Eh, maybe she's maturing. Maybe she's revisiting her choices and her participation in light of becoming a mother to a daughter. Maybe, as in most multi-sibling families I know, the younger sibling doesn't set the tone/family dynamic. Whatever the sister has done is sort of irrelevant at this point, she's now identifying a problem and asking her family to join her in making a change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s pretty unanimous! Team sister all the way!!

I guess you need to re read page 3!
If sister is participating, then she’s hypocritical. I would point it out every time she does it.

Eh, maybe she's maturing. Maybe she's revisiting her choices and her participation in light of becoming a mother to a daughter. Maybe, as in most multi-sibling families I know, the younger sibling doesn't set the tone/family dynamic. Whatever the sister has done is sort of irrelevant at this point, she's now identifying a problem and asking her family to join her in making a change.

No, she’s threatening. Read a couple posts up. Spot on.

[Anonymous]

She is hormonal, wait it out
I can’t believe the ideas I had when I was pregnant!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why is it “obvious” that a large family with five sisters would have so many conversations around these topics? That’s completely abnormal.

Exactly. 😳

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can't talk about anything other than your appearance when her daughter is around? Really?

+1. It’s sad that these conversations are where you naturally end up. And that you think it’s inevitable just because there are 5 sisters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My younger sister is pregnant with a girl and has warned the rest of us that she will ban us from engaging with her child if we continue toxic behaviors around her. The toxic behaviors she is citing is as follows:

- comments about having a bad hair or skin day
- comments about losing or gaining weight
- comments about beauty and being pretty

We are a large family with 5 sisters so obviously a lot of our talk is about who lost weight who started a new workout who iss eating what meal plan etc.

I know she means well but it seems a bit extreme. We feel like we must walk on egg shells around her.

Don't discuss that it's time for a haircut or having made an appointment. Absolutely nothing about how a new product may be working for your hair or face. Don't ask for advice on either of those.
When the baby is here don't comment on how cute she is. Don't buy clothes, let Mom decide on those.
What about baby's weight/growth.... is that OK?

Help your sister out by holding her to these same standards.

Agree with the above. I'd also make sure to only buy gender neutral toys made of plant plastics. Don't speak of Disney or princesses. Nothing in pink, heaven forbid. No comments of the baby being cute. Don't compliment her either under any circumstances. Tell her she looks smart if she just got a nice new outfit or haircut. If she is going to be a dumbass, I'd go full in on it to the max extent possible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can't talk about anything other than your appearance when her daughter is around? Really?

OF COURSE we can! That is not the point. It’s natural for the conversation to steer into these topics usually directed by HER.

Troll? Changing your story after the first post?

Is sister planning to ban herself from the baby?

What does it mean that OP says the topics are "directed" rather than "raised" by her sister?