Sister is pregnant and says we need to stop being toxic around her baby

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow I’m surprised everyone is so anti-OP. I actually find food and fitness to come up a lot with friends - it’s a big part of daily life. And it becomes a slippery slope of what is ok to talk about and what is vanity. So I think making weight a completely taboo topic isn’t the answer. The answer is balance like most things. I have seen how body positive all my 19 year old friends are and most of them came back from their freshman year of college having gained weight as you absolutely can’t say anything. This just isn’t healthy either!
Regardless your sister is telling you she’s not comfortable either because you all talk about it too much or her own personal insecurities or whatever. You have to respect that. To lay down this boundary when she’s pregnant before the child is born or can talk…yep, I agree it’s over the top.

Why do you *need* to say something to a 19 year old who gained weight? And why do you think that pointing it out would help? Lady, you are the problem.

Family history of diabetes here. It’s certainly worth educating my children about. I just spent time with my father who is unable to walk because he didn’t take care of his diabetes. It’s much easier to change eating habits when you’re younger. I want better for my kids.
In my house with my teenage girls we don’t avoid talking about food and weight. We talk about it in a very clinical manner and try to keep emotion/judgment out of it. We talk about macros and food as fuel for your body. To me, that is the correct way to approach it, not ignore it. None of us know the conversations OP has with her sister. I don’t think all talk of weight is bad though. The talk some people (mostly mothers) are using as an example? Yep, that’s toxic.

I have a family history of diabetes. My kid is the one with a pediatric feeding disorder because some relative took it upon themselves to educate the child. Not helpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow I’m surprised everyone is so anti-OP. I actually find food and fitness to come up a lot with friends - it’s a big part of daily life. And it becomes a slippery slope of what is ok to talk about and what is vanity. So I think making weight a completely taboo topic isn’t the answer. The answer is balance like most things. I have seen how body positive all my 19 year old friends are and most of them came back from their freshman year of college having gained weight as you absolutely can’t say anything. This just isn’t healthy either!
Regardless your sister is telling you she’s not comfortable either because you all talk about it too much or her own personal insecurities or whatever. You have to respect that. To lay down this boundary when she’s pregnant before the child is born or can talk…yep, I agree it’s over the top.

Why do you *need* to say something to a 19 year old who gained weight? And why do you think that pointing it out would help? Lady, you are the problem.

Family history of diabetes here. It’s certainly worth educating my children about. I just spent time with my father who is unable to walk because he didn’t take care of his diabetes. It’s much easier to change eating habits when you’re younger. I want better for my kids.
In my house with my teenage girls we don’t avoid talking about food and weight. We talk about it in a very clinical manner and try to keep emotion/judgment out of it. We talk about macros and food as fuel for your body. To me, that is the correct way to approach it, not ignore it. None of us know the conversations OP has with her sister. I don’t think all talk of weight is bad though. The talk some people (mostly mothers) are using as an example? Yep, that’s toxic.

I have a family history of diabetes. My kid is the one with a pediatric feeding disorder because some relative took it upon themselves to educate the child. Not helpful.

Child of a parent with diabetes who had no education until I had to figure it out when I got gestational diabetes. Also not helpful. I don’t know your circumstances, but it sounds extreme.
It’s a slippery slope for sure, but this complete taboo about talking about it doesn’t seem to be working if you look around the world.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
You can't talk about anything other than your appearance when her daughter is around? Really?

OF COURSE we can! That is not the point. It’s natural for the conversation to steer into these topics usually directed by HER.

You still don't get it, OP. It's NOT natural for the conversations to steer into these topics and if it is for you and your sisters, it IS toxic. Especially to a growing girl.

I posted before but my family always talked about looks. even when telling us about someone getting married. This is the conversation I literally just heard between my mother and her sister.

Billy just got married. The wife is nice. She's heavy. Not heavy, heavy, but (and the arms show wide hips) heavy. Her hair is thick, but she has bangs that cover her eyes.

Aunt - She has a pretty face. She needs to clear the pimples, but her face is pretty.

Me- does she work? What does she do?

They - yes, she has good career. She wears suits to work, but they are tight on her.

Me - what does she do?

They stare at me and don't know how to respond.


That's how I picture you and your sisters,OP. It's not good.

+1 I am a PP too and this is exactly what goes down in my family of origin. I could call my mom right now and somehow she'd work it in to tell me what all she's eaten and how she feels like a pig. She's in her 80s and weighs under 110 pounds.

Your sister might be overreacting in the moment (although I have a sense the OP isn't the most reliable narrator), but her instinct here isn't wrong.

+1 most of what my (tiny) MIL talks about is weight, food, how much she's eaten or will eat next week, how fat neighbors, relatives and total strangers are, how weird plus size mannequins and catalog models are, how she only gained 20 pounds when she was pregnant (for the 100th time), etc etc etc. I feel bad how much brainspace she wasted on weight and restriction over the years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow I’m surprised everyone is so anti-OP. I actually find food and fitness to come up a lot with friends - it’s a big part of daily life. And it becomes a slippery slope of what is ok to talk about and what is vanity. So I think making weight a completely taboo topic isn’t the answer. The answer is balance like most things. I have seen how body positive all my 19 year old friends are and most of them came back from their freshman year of college having gained weight as you absolutely can’t say anything. This just isn’t healthy either!
Regardless your sister is telling you she’s not comfortable either because you all talk about it too much or her own personal insecurities or whatever. You have to respect that. To lay down this boundary when she’s pregnant before the child is born or can talk…yep, I agree it’s over the top.

Why do you *need* to say something to a 19 year old who gained weight? And why do you think that pointing it out would help? Lady, you are the problem.

It’s not healthy. You can argue all you want but bottom line is excess weight isn’t good for our bodies. Telling these girls it’s fine and to embrace it isn’t in their best long term interests.
I’ve had autoimmune joint issues all my life and can’t understand why anyone would not take care of their bodies and cause it harm if it’s within their power to change it.

Who elected you the Weight Police? Not your job!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s pretty unanimous! Team sister all the way!!

I guess you need to re read page 3!
If sister is participating, then she’s hypocritical. I would point it out every time she does it.

So would I.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow I’m surprised everyone is so anti-OP. I actually find food and fitness to come up a lot with friends - it’s a big part of daily life. And it becomes a slippery slope of what is ok to talk about and what is vanity. So I think making weight a completely taboo topic isn’t the answer. The answer is balance like most things. I have seen how body positive all my 19 year old friends are and most of them came back from their freshman year of college having gained weight as you absolutely can’t say anything. This just isn’t healthy either!
Regardless your sister is telling you she’s not comfortable either because you all talk about it too much or her own personal insecurities or whatever. You have to respect that. To lay down this boundary when she’s pregnant before the child is born or can talk…yep, I agree it’s over the top.

Why do you *need* to say something to a 19 year old who gained weight? And why do you think that pointing it out would help? Lady, you are the problem.

It’s not healthy. You can argue all you want but bottom line is excess weight isn’t good for our bodies. Telling these girls it’s fine and to embrace it isn’t in their best long term interests.
I’ve had autoimmune joint issues all my life and can’t understand why anyone would not take care of their bodies and cause it harm if it’s within their power to change it.

She's 19. She's presumably heard of the connection between weight and health. She does NOT need you her to tell her. No one is telling you to tell her it's fine and to embrace it. They're telling you to shut up about it. Ask her how school is going. Ask her if she's enjoying her summer. Ask her who her favorite professor is so far. Don't talk about her weight!

It's so funny how people want to butt in on this. I rarely floss, and NO one has every lectured me on it besides... my dentist. I never show up to someone's house for the weekend and have them say "oh, I see you didn't bring floss! You must floss it's so important for health." People just... realize it's none of their business? Weight is the same.

My child’s health IS my business. You can choose to take the approach of ignore and maybe it works for you, but you similarly don’t need to judge others. If your kid was squinting, would you tell them it’s time for an eye exam or just make it none of your business? Using your analogy, did you teach your child to floss their teeth or just hope their dentist took care of it?

DP. You, absolutely, need to have these conversations with YOUR child. Anyone else's child is off limits - even the DCs of you siblings and your grand children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow I’m surprised everyone is so anti-OP. I actually find food and fitness to come up a lot with friends - it’s a big part of daily life. And it becomes a slippery slope of what is ok to talk about and what is vanity. So I think making weight a completely taboo topic isn’t the answer. The answer is balance like most things. I have seen how body positive all my 19 year old friends are and most of them came back from their freshman year of college having gained weight as you absolutely can’t say anything. This just isn’t healthy either!
Regardless your sister is telling you she’s not comfortable either because you all talk about it too much or her own personal insecurities or whatever. You have to respect that. To lay down this boundary when she’s pregnant before the child is born or can talk…yep, I agree it’s over the top.

Why do you *need* to say something to a 19 year old who gained weight? And why do you think that pointing it out would help? Lady, you are the problem.

Family history of diabetes here. It’s certainly worth educating my children about. I just spent time with my father who is unable to walk because he didn’t take care of his diabetes. It’s much easier to change eating habits when you’re younger. I want better for my kids.
In my house with my teenage girls we don’t avoid talking about food and weight. We talk about it in a very clinical manner and try to keep emotion/judgment out of it. We talk about macros and food as fuel for your body. To me, that is the correct way to approach it, not ignore it. None of us know the conversations OP has with her sister. I don’t think all talk of weight is bad though. The talk some people (mostly mothers) are using as an example? Yep, that’s toxic.

I have a family history of diabetes. My kid is the one with a pediatric feeding disorder because some relative took it upon themselves to educate the child. Not helpful.

Child of a parent with diabetes who had no education until I had to figure it out when I got gestational diabetes. Also not helpful. I don’t know your circumstances, but it sounds extreme.
It’s a slippery slope for sure, but this complete taboo about talking about it doesn’t seem to be working if you look around the world.

If you had to 'figure it out' on your own, your OB/GYN is at fault. Even 20 years ago, there where great classes offered thru INOVA and other medical centers as well as support groups.

My DH is a Type 2 diabetic. He was in fabulous shape when he was diagnosed at 30. He was routinely checked because of his family history. We talk about it with out kids in the same way we talk about substance abuse which also runs in our family. Yet, we keep our mouths shut about weight/food choices/beverage choices around those outside our nuclear family because we know how to MIND OUR OWN BUSINESS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow I’m surprised everyone is so anti-OP. I actually find food and fitness to come up a lot with friends - it’s a big part of daily life. And it becomes a slippery slope of what is ok to talk about and what is vanity. So I think making weight a completely taboo topic isn’t the answer. The answer is balance like most things. I have seen how body positive all my 19 year old friends are and most of them came back from their freshman year of college having gained weight as you absolutely can’t say anything. This just isn’t healthy either!
Regardless your sister is telling you she’s not comfortable either because you all talk about it too much or her own personal insecurities or whatever. You have to respect that. To lay down this boundary when she’s pregnant before the child is born or can talk…yep, I agree it’s over the top.

Why do you *need* to say something to a 19 year old who gained weight? And why do you think that pointing it out would help? Lady, you are the problem.

Family history of diabetes here. It’s certainly worth educating my children about. I just spent time with my father who is unable to walk because he didn’t take care of his diabetes. It’s much easier to change eating habits when you’re younger. I want better for my kids.
In my house with my teenage girls we don’t avoid talking about food and weight. We talk about it in a very clinical manner and try to keep emotion/judgment out of it. We talk about macros and food as fuel for your body. To me, that is the correct way to approach it, not ignore it. None of us know the conversations OP has with her sister. I don’t think all talk of weight is bad though. The talk some people (mostly mothers) are using as an example? Yep, that’s toxic.

I have a family history of diabetes. My kid is the one with a pediatric feeding disorder because some relative took it upon themselves to educate the child. Not helpful.

Child of a parent with diabetes who had no education until I had to figure it out when I got gestational diabetes. Also not helpful. I don’t know your circumstances, but it sounds extreme.
It’s a slippery slope for sure, but this complete taboo about talking about it doesn’t seem to be working if you look around the world.

If you had to 'figure it out' on your own, your OB/GYN is at fault. Even 20 years ago, there where great classes offered thru INOVA and other medical centers as well as support groups.

My DH is a Type 2 diabetic. He was in fabulous shape when he was diagnosed at 30. He was routinely checked because of his family history. We talk about it with out kids in the same way we talk about substance abuse which also runs in our family. Yet, we keep our mouths shut about weight/food choices/beverage choices around those outside our nuclear family because we know how to MIND OUR OWN BUSINESS.

Yeah OB/GYN help you figure it out after you already have it. Prevention is a great thing.

So in this instance OP is talking about it with her sisters. Family. I recently went on vacation with my brother and we were discussing food/diabetes since we share the same genetics. It’s interesting to know what worked for him (he’s older and further along on the journey). I don’t find anything toxic about it at all. Obviously if he said this is off limits, we don’t discuss it. But Op’s pregnant sister is really over reacting. She could have tried steering the conversation elsewhere without going nuclear.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow I’m surprised everyone is so anti-OP. I actually find food and fitness to come up a lot with friends - it’s a big part of daily life. And it becomes a slippery slope of what is ok to talk about and what is vanity. So I think making weight a completely taboo topic isn’t the answer. The answer is balance like most things. I have seen how body positive all my 19 year old friends are and most of them came back from their freshman year of college having gained weight as you absolutely can’t say anything. This just isn’t healthy either!
Regardless your sister is telling you she’s not comfortable either because you all talk about it too much or her own personal insecurities or whatever. You have to respect that. To lay down this boundary when she’s pregnant before the child is born or can talk…yep, I agree it’s over the top.

Why do you *need* to say something to a 19 year old who gained weight? And why do you think that pointing it out would help? Lady, you are the problem.

It’s not healthy. You can argue all you want but bottom line is excess weight isn’t good for our bodies. Telling these girls it’s fine and to embrace it isn’t in their best long term interests.
I’ve had autoimmune joint issues all my life and can’t understand why anyone would not take care of their bodies and cause it harm if it’s within their power to change it.

She's 19. She's presumably heard of the connection between weight and health. She does NOT need you her to tell her. No one is telling you to tell her it's fine and to embrace it. They're telling you to shut up about it. Ask her how school is going. Ask her if she's enjoying her summer. Ask her who her favorite professor is so far. Don't talk about her weight!

It's so funny how people want to butt in on this. I rarely floss, and NO one has every lectured me on it besides... my dentist. I never show up to someone's house for the weekend and have them say "oh, I see you didn't bring floss! You must floss it's so important for health." People just... realize it's none of their business? Weight is the same.

Thank you so much for the floss analogy! I’m stealing this next time I try to explain to someone how the health effects of weight are not a public concern!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow I’m surprised everyone is so anti-OP. I actually find food and fitness to come up a lot with friends - it’s a big part of daily life. And it becomes a slippery slope of what is ok to talk about and what is vanity. So I think making weight a completely taboo topic isn’t the answer. The answer is balance like most things. I have seen how body positive all my 19 year old friends are and most of them came back from their freshman year of college having gained weight as you absolutely can’t say anything. This just isn’t healthy either!
Regardless your sister is telling you she’s not comfortable either because you all talk about it too much or her own personal insecurities or whatever. You have to respect that. To lay down this boundary when she’s pregnant before the child is born or can talk…yep, I agree it’s over the top.

Why do you *need* to say something to a 19 year old who gained weight? And why do you think that pointing it out would help? Lady, you are the problem.

Family history of diabetes here. It’s certainly worth educating my children about. I just spent time with my father who is unable to walk because he didn’t take care of his diabetes. It’s much easier to change eating habits when you’re younger. I want better for my kids.
In my house with my teenage girls we don’t avoid talking about food and weight. We talk about it in a very clinical manner and try to keep emotion/judgment out of it. We talk about macros and food as fuel for your body. To me, that is the correct way to approach it, not ignore it. None of us know the conversations OP has with her sister. I don’t think all talk of weight is bad though. The talk some people (mostly mothers) are using as an example? Yep, that’s toxic.

I have a family history of diabetes. My kid is the one with a pediatric feeding disorder because some relative took it upon themselves to educate the child. Not helpful.

Child of a parent with diabetes who had no education until I had to figure it out when I got gestational diabetes. Also not helpful. I don’t know your circumstances, but it sounds extreme.
It’s a slippery slope for sure, but this complete taboo about talking about it doesn’t seem to be working if you look around the world.

If you had to 'figure it out' on your own, your OB/GYN is at fault. Even 20 years ago, there where great classes offered thru INOVA and other medical centers as well as support groups.

My DH is a Type 2 diabetic. He was in fabulous shape when he was diagnosed at 30. He was routinely checked because of his family history. We talk about it with out kids in the same way we talk about substance abuse which also runs in our family. Yet, we keep our mouths shut about weight/food choices/beverage choices around those outside our nuclear family because we know how to MIND OUR OWN BUSINESS.

Yeah OB/GYN help you figure it out after you already have it. Prevention is a great thing.

So in this instance OP is talking about it with her sisters. Family. I recently went on vacation with my brother and we were discussing food/diabetes since we share the same genetics. It’s interesting to know what worked for him (he’s older and further along on the journey). I don’t find anything toxic about it at all. Obviously if he said this is off limits, we don’t discuss it. But Op’s pregnant sister is really over reacting. She could have tried steering the conversation elsewhere without going nuclear.

OP did not mention a family history of diabetes. She's talking about frequent discussions of diets, weight, and looks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can't talk about anything other than your appearance when her daughter is around? Really?

OF COURSE we can! That is not the point. It’s natural for the conversation to steer into these topics usually directed by HER.

If it's natural for the conversation between you and your sisters to wind up on appearance, weight, and negative self talk, then she is correct that you are being toxic and I applaud her for taking this opportunity to try and change the dynamic.

I don't understand why you can't just not talk about this stuff around her and her daughter. This is an extremely reasonable ask.

+1. You and your sisters sound very shallow and dull.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:team sister

+ 100 OP, YOU and other sisters are wrong. No cap.

[Anonymous]

How many of you read that OP's sister takes part in these discussions? All of a sudden it's so toxic that she will ban her sisters from being around their niece?

She's toxic, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow I’m surprised everyone is so anti-OP. I actually find food and fitness to come up a lot with friends - it’s a big part of daily life. And it becomes a slippery slope of what is ok to talk about and what is vanity. So I think making weight a completely taboo topic isn’t the answer. The answer is balance like most things. I have seen how body positive all my 19 year old friends are and most of them came back from their freshman year of college having gained weight as you absolutely can’t say anything. This just isn’t healthy either!
Regardless your sister is telling you she’s not comfortable either because you all talk about it too much or her own personal insecurities or whatever. You have to respect that. To lay down this boundary when she’s pregnant before the child is born or can talk…yep, I agree it’s over the top.

Why do you *need* to say something to a 19 year old who gained weight? And why do you think that pointing it out would help? Lady, you are the problem.

It’s not healthy. You can argue all you want but bottom line is excess weight isn’t good for our bodies. Telling these girls it’s fine and to embrace it isn’t in their best long term interests.
I’ve had autoimmune joint issues all my life and can’t understand why anyone would not take care of their bodies and cause it harm if it’s within their power to change it.

Oh just be quiet. That’s not the point dumb*ss.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow I’m surprised everyone is so anti-OP. I actually find food and fitness to come up a lot with friends - it’s a big part of daily life. And it becomes a slippery slope of what is ok to talk about and what is vanity. So I think making weight a completely taboo topic isn’t the answer. The answer is balance like most things. I have seen how body positive all my 19 year old friends are and most of them came back from their freshman year of college having gained weight as you absolutely can’t say anything. This just isn’t healthy either!
Regardless your sister is telling you she’s not comfortable either because you all talk about it too much or her own personal insecurities or whatever. You have to respect that. To lay down this boundary when she’s pregnant before the child is born or can talk…yep, I agree it’s over the top.

Why do you *need* to say something to a 19 year old who gained weight? And why do you think that pointing it out would help? Lady, you are the problem.

It’s not healthy. You can argue all you want but bottom line is excess weight isn’t good for our bodies. Telling these girls it’s fine and to embrace it isn’t in their best long term interests.
I’ve had autoimmune joint issues all my life and can’t understand why anyone would not take care of their bodies and cause it harm if it’s within their power to change it.

She's 19. She's presumably heard of the connection between weight and health. She does NOT need you her to tell her. No one is telling you to tell her it's fine and to embrace it. They're telling you to shut up about it. Ask her how school is going. Ask her if she's enjoying her summer. Ask her who her favorite professor is so far. Don't talk about her weight!

It's so funny how people want to butt in on this. I rarely floss, and NO one has every lectured me on it besides... my dentist. I never show up to someone's house for the weekend and have them say "oh, I see you didn't bring floss! You must floss it's so important for health." People just... realize it's none of their business? Weight is the same.

Thank you so much for the floss analogy! I’m stealing this next time I try to explain to someone how the health effects of weight are not a public concern!

I think people should read more. It’s really important for preventing Alzheimer’s and improving your vocabulary. I would LOVE to be able to self righteously lecture all the people who don’t read. Weird how dieting is the only thing you are allowed to do this with.