I said something really stupid/insensitive to gf and now she’s given me an ultimatum

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why would you say that if it wasn’t true?

I thought because she was going to leave me. When she points out something that I’ve done wrong I get angry. I get angry because I’m scared. Im scared because I think that she’s going to leave me. I know I’ll never do better than her. Even my friends have told me she’s the best that im going to get. Im very attractive, make really good money, I can retire by the time I’m 45 if I’d like, I own a home, have a lot of friends but even even she lapses me in everything in life, which I love that about her. No one I have ever dated was even half as good as her. Everyone in my camp loves her and they know she’s amazing. So, I was afraid she’d leave so I guess I was trying to beat her to the punch?

OP, if you are serious about not losing her —
1) call a therapist
2) apologize for doing all of the above (you can explain but say you know it’s not an excuse and you need to learn to hear her feelings without freaking out and abandoning her or pushing her away)
3) tell her you intend to do the work in therapy to address this and you are ready to do couples counseling to work towards engagement. Have the names of several couples counselors ready.

It is time for you to walk the walk. There is no way you can expect to have a healthy relationship without making some serious changes in yourself, and acknowledging the damage you did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait I’m sorry lmfao. I didn’t even read the rest of the replies to this thread only your op, because your op is so beyond batshit. So. You dumped her, invited her to hang out, she declined because you’re no longer together, and now you think SHE is being manipulative?

You really are out to lunch, OP. I thought the avoidant guy from the other day was bad but at least he has a dead mom and some dysfunctional relationships that would lead to that behavior. You just sound like an ass.

No I don’t think she is being manipulative. I was pointing out how I was always told to not give into ultimatums because it’s a manipulative tactic.

R u on the autism spectrum too?

You have very bad judgement and apply things incorrectly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why would you say that if it wasn’t true?

I thought because she was going to leave me. When she points out something that I’ve done wrong I get angry. I get angry because I’m scared. Im scared because I think that she’s going to leave me. I know I’ll never do better than her. Even my friends have told me she’s the best that im going to get. Im very attractive, make really good money, I can retire by the time I’m 45 if I’d like, I own a home, have a lot of friends but even even she lapses me in everything in life, which I love that about her. No one I have ever dated was even half as good as her. Everyone in my camp loves her and they know she’s amazing. So, I was afraid she’d leave so I guess I was trying to beat her to the punch?

That is messed up!!!

NP,
It’s not messed up it’s anxious attachment, which he needs therapy for.

No it’s DARVO and excuses and deflection.

This psychopath hasn’t ever taken responsibility for anything he has said or done to others. He’s got way deeper disorders than anxiety. Anxiety is the tip of the iceberg.

[Anonymous]

“‘I was surely going to propose to my Gf of 4 years but instead insulted her to her face so she wouldn’t dump me first. Now my moms in town and I want us all to get together. What should I do? She said she doesn’t want to see me anymore, but I didn’t do anything!’”

-OP’s May/June post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your behaviors are those of an abuser.

+1

Where in your family history did you learn to misbehave like this Op? Over and over again.

[Anonymous]

You probably broke her heart by breaking up with her and then you start acting like everything is normal and trying to see her again without having even apologized. You should be glad she’s even giving you an “ultimatum” (which it really isn’t). I wouldn’t have even responded to you. Get yourself into therapy because you’re not ready to restart a relationship with her or anyone else without working on the issues you’ve identified.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“‘I was surely going to propose to my Gf of 4 years but instead insulted her to her face so she wouldn’t dump me first. Now my moms in town and I want us all to get together. What should I do? She said she doesn’t want to see me anymore, but I didn’t do anything!’”

-OP’s May/June post.

Oooh. Post the link.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I get really worked up sometimes and lash out and say things I don’t mean. I know I have this issue and I’m working on it. Well, I told my girlfriend, or I guess ex now, that she didn’t make me happy and that we should go out separate ways. That’s not true at all, I love her more than anything and want to marry her. She simply said “okay” and she hasn’t contacted me once since this happened a month ago. She’s removed me from all social media and has taken down every picture of us - we were together for 4 years.

I’ve contacted her multiple times since then but she’s replied nicely but curt. Yesterday, my sister came into town and I asked her if she wanted to join us. She said, “you said I don’t make you happy and that we needed to go our separate ways, so I’m not sure why you continue contact me. We’re not friends. So, unless you’re contacting me with an enormous apology, have gone to therapy for a while, and with a receipt for a down payment for a ring please don’t contact me anymore”. Needless to say I was left speechless. I completely understand where she’s coming from since I royally screwed up. However, I was always told never give in to someone’s ultimatum because it’s manipulation. I also don’t want to lose her though.

What are your thoughts on ultimatums/this ultimatum?

You this post too? https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1120117.page#24588586

[Anonymous]

Same dude here: https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1095794.page

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your behaviors are those of an abuser.

+1

Where in your family history did you learn to misbehave like this Op? Over and over again.

My dad. He completely changed when my mom passed when I was 8. He became very hyper critical (why I don’t handle criticism). The lady time I saw him a year ago he tried to fight me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait I’m sorry lmfao. I didn’t even read the rest of the replies to this thread only your op, because your op is so beyond batshit. So. You dumped her, invited her to hang out, she declined because you’re no longer together, and now you think SHE is being manipulative?

You really are out to lunch, OP. I thought the avoidant guy from the other day was bad but at least he has a dead mom and some dysfunctional relationships that would lead to that behavior. You just sound like an ass.

No I don’t think she is being manipulative. I was pointing out how I was always told to not give into ultimatums because it’s a manipulative tactic.

She didn’t give you an ultimatum. An ultimatum is “If you don’t X, I will Y.” She set a boundary: “Do not do X unless you also do Y.”

This. An ultimatum would have been, " if you don't propose in six months I will break up with you." You guys are already broken up. She said she doesn't want to hear from you. That long list of conditions is just another way of saying that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“‘I was surely going to propose to my Gf of 4 years but instead insulted her to her face so she wouldn’t dump me first. Now my moms in town and I want us all to get together. What should I do? She said she doesn’t want to see me anymore, but I didn’t do anything!’”

-OP’s May/June post.

Yea, my mom is dead so I don’t see how that’s possible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get really worked up sometimes and lash out and say things I don’t mean. I know I have this issue and I’m working on it. Well, I told my girlfriend, or I guess ex now, that she didn’t make me happy and that we should go out separate ways. That’s not true at all, I love her more than anything and want to marry her. She simply said “okay” and she hasn’t contacted me once since this happened a month ago. She’s removed me from all social media and has taken down every picture of us - we were together for 4 years.

I’ve contacted her multiple times since then but she’s replied nicely but curt. Yesterday, my sister came into town and I asked her if she wanted to join us. She said, “you said I don’t make you happy and that we needed to go our separate ways, so I’m not sure why you continue contact me. We’re not friends. So, unless you’re contacting me with an enormous apology, have gone to therapy for a while, and with a receipt for a down payment for a ring please don’t contact me anymore”. Needless to say I was left speechless. I completely understand where she’s coming from since I royally screwed up. However, I was always told never give in to someone’s ultimatum because it’s manipulation. I also don’t want to lose her though.

What are your thoughts on ultimatums/this ultimatum?

You this post too? https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1120117.page#24588586

Nope, fortunately my best friend is alive and well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your behaviors are those of an abuser.

+1

Where in your family history did you learn to misbehave like this Op? Over and over again.

My dad. He completely changed when my mom passed when I was 8. He became very hyper critical (why I don’t handle criticism). The lady time I saw him a year ago he tried to fight me.

Last time*

[Anonymous]

Writes like this loser too.
https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/977673.page