My girlfriend only wants to spend Christmas with her family. I think this is so selfish.

[Anonymous]

My girlfriend of 3 years and I were talking about spending holidays tonight with each other’s families since we want to get married. My family lives 11 hours away and her family is 2 hours away from the both of us. I said to her that I didn’t want to miss holidays with each other and she agreed. Her dad (70 yrs old) was born on Christmas, so she said that she can’t miss both Christmas and her dad’s birthday. She said it’s just difficult because my family is so far away and if our families were closer she would split the day to spend with both families. She doesn’t have an issue with doing Christmas Eve or thanksgiving with my family. This just really pissed me off so I said I’d talk to her later.

I think she’s just incredibly selfish for this. What do y’all think?

[Anonymous]

I see why she wants to spend every Christmas with her family instead of you.

[Anonymous]

Is she basically saying she will never willingly be away from her family on Dec 25? Only you can decide if that’s a dealbreaker. In my family we can have “Christmas” on whatever day people can get together, so it doesn’t really matter whether it happens on the 25th or closer to New Years. Maybe she’s being selfish and irrational, but also maybe it doesn’t actually matter that much.

[Anonymous]

And when you have kids will every Christmas be about grandpa’s birthday?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is she basically saying she will never willingly be away from her family on Dec 25? Only you can decide if that’s a dealbreaker. In my family we can have “Christmas” on whatever day people can get together, so it doesn’t really matter whether it happens on the 25th or closer to New Years. Maybe she’s being selfish and irrational, but also maybe it doesn’t actually matter that much.

If she said she’s fine with going Christmas Eve I don’t see what’s the big deal.

[Anonymous]

3 years why haven’t you proposed yet

[Anonymous]

I’m confused. She said she’s ok with doing thanksgiving with your family right? So she suggested splitting the holiday. That’s fair. But isn’t it too late to make travel arrangements to travel eleven hours?

How old are you and why is she still your girlfriend if you’ve been dating three years? Why aren’t you already engaged? Perhaps she’s not eager to give up time with her family for a guy who is dragging his feet on proposing

[Anonymous]

Yeah I’m on girlfriend’s side. 11 hours is a lot to travel in 1 day just to make both, it’s her dad’s birthday. Just do Eve with your family and Christmas with hers. DH and I have a similar arrangement because my family is a plane ride away - we do Christmas with my family and New Years with his; it works out great since my extended family throws a Christmas party and his family likes to throw a big New Years.

[Anonymous]

She sounds very reasonable: one particular holiday is particularly special to her family, but she's willing to spend all other holidays with your family. We do something similar: Thanksgiving with my family and Christmas with my husband's family, because those are the holidays that are more important to each family.

[Anonymous]

Maybe when the two of you are married and part of the same family she will be more inclined to share the holiday with you.

[Anonymous]

She's right. My family is 8 hours away, in Paris, and we don't spend Christmas with them. 11hrs away? What are you smoking, OP? I would never travel that far for a boyfriend's Christmas.

Unless you're married, in which case you can negotiate more equity in family visits, you are totally in the wrong here. And even then, you'd have to propose something very interesting in exchange for a miserable 11hr trip to see your parents at Christmas.

[Anonymous]

I’m in a similar situation with the distance and we alternate years for Thanksgiving and Christmas. So it looks like this:

2022 Thanksgiving: Mine
2022 Christmas: His
2023 Thanksgiving: His
2023 Christmas: Mine

He did not love this when it started because Christmas is his favorite holiday, but add in kids and real life commitments (ie we have jobs and can’t take weeks off work to drive 10 hours) and this is the best option for us.

[Anonymous]

If you want to get married, propose. She's smart enough not to act like a wife until you act like a husband. Three years is enough.

And if the two of you can't resolve this with a civil conversation, just break up. A married couple faces a lot of disagreements and challenges, and this is a small one in the grand scheme of things.

[Anonymous]

I think you’re unreasonable, and incredibly selfish. One holiday is very special to her family for multiple reasons. She’s willing to travel to do Christmas Eve and Thanksgiving with your family. You’re “pissed” when she’s accommodating your needs but you’re doing nothing to accommodate hers.

[Anonymous]

My aunt was married to a man whose mother’s birthday was Christmas, and his whole family always celebrated Christmas with his mom. Now I have twins with a Christmas birthday, and although I would never require them to spend Christmas with me every year when they’re adults with families of their own, I’m not going to lie…I’d sure like to celebrate with them every year.

Most people have to go to school or work on their birthday most years. People with Christmas birthdays never do. Their birthday becomes intertwined with all of the family traditions of celebrating the holiday. Their birthday isn’t better or more special than anyone else’s, but your girlfriend has probably never missed a single Christmas/dad’s birthday celebration in her whole life.

My dad was healthy as a horse at 70. I wasn’t thinking that we didn’t have many years left with him, because his parents both lived to almost 90. However, my dad was 78 on his last Christmas before dying very suddenly and unexpectedly. That was Christmas of 2020, and we weren’t together because of the pandemic. The older her dad gets, the less amenable your girlfriend might be to spending Christmas without her dad.

I definitely think you should be able to spend Christmas with your family too, but try not to be pissed with your girlfriend because that’s counterproductive to finding a happy compromise. Would girlfriend be willing to spend the night on Christmas Eve at her parents’ house, wake up there Christmas morning, wish dad a happy birthday and then fly from their city to your parents in time for Christmas dinner with them? Or the reverse, fly from your parents to her parents on Christmas Day? If she already has a dad who is 70, it won’t be too long until you will be taking turns hosting Christmas, and you can have both families over.