Girlfriend Wants To Get Engaged Before Moving In

[Anonymous]

My girlfriend and I have bene dating for a little over a year. I asked her or move in with me after talking about next steps, but she she is refusing unless we become engaged. She said she is unwilling to move in with me unless I make a commitment. She doesn’t want to be like some friends who moved in with a boyfriend thinking marriage would come and it never did. She needs to know I’m serious because moving in to her means that I might feel like I don’t need to propose. That is not the case with us. My parents always told me it’s important to live with someone before getting engaged to make sure you’re compatible. There are people who get engaged and then realize they can’t live together. We are at a stand still. She wants to get engaged and I want her to move in and then get engaged.

[Anonymous]

I like her.

Back to your concern - you can call off an engagement. Agree to get engaged and then maybe a timeline for when you'll start wedding planning or ring shopping.

If you feel after 3-5 months this isn't the person you want to marry, well then what have you lost? You'll still have to separate if you move in together.

[Anonymous]

Your girlfriend is smart. Also, her preferences matter more than your parents when it comes to engagement and marriage decisions. Frankly, she should move on rather than try to convince you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I like her.

Back to your concern - you can call off an engagement. Agree to get engaged and then maybe a timeline for when you'll start wedding planning or ring shopping.

If you feel after 3-5 months this isn't the person you want to marry, well then what have you lost? You'll still have to separate if you move in together.

+1 - that's what the engagement is for. I know that it's really hard when you are in that phase of life, but honestly, I think if more people didn't feel the pressure to stay engaged/get married we'd be better off.

[Anonymous]

Smart girl.

If she’s really smart, she willl start dating other people if you don’t propose within a few months or so.

[Anonymous]

I read an article yesterday that data is showing that the rise in people living together without already agreeing on a future are more likely to break up or get divorced. Too many people doing it as a convenience than as a commitment, and just hope for the best. I'm not saying don't move in together, but have all the hard commitment (kids, jobs, life goals) before doing it. That, apparently, is the heart of the problem. Which basically your gf is saying.

[Anonymous]

I'm your GF (not literally obviously). My BF just bought a place, he's renovating it, this will be done in the fall. He asked me to move in once his renovations are done.

1. Logistically, this is a nightmare. I know renovations, I've lived though them, they often go longer than we expect.

2. I live in a condo that I bought 5 years ago. If I leave I either have to sell or rent, which brings me to point 3.

3. I don't want to sell my home unless I'm engaged. Yes, engagements can be broken. However, asking me to move in is asking for a sacrifice on my end. I'm not willing to do it unless he wants to marry me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I read an article yesterday that data is showing that the rise in people living together without already agreeing on a future are more likely to break up or get divorced. Too many people doing it as a convenience than as a commitment, and just hope for the best. I'm not saying don't move in together, but have all the hard commitment (kids, jobs, life goals) before doing it. That, apparently, is the heart of the problem. Which basically your gf is saying.

^^^
hard commitment discussions

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm your GF (not literally obviously). My BF just bought a place, he's renovating it, this will be done in the fall. He asked me to move in once his renovations are done.

1. Logistically, this is a nightmare. I know renovations, I've lived though them, they often go longer than we expect.

2. I live in a condo that I bought 5 years ago. If I leave I either have to sell or rent, which brings me to point 3.

3. I don't want to sell my home unless I'm engaged. Yes, engagements can be broken. However, asking me to move in is asking for a sacrifice on my end. I'm not willing to do it unless he wants to marry me.

Good for you

[Anonymous]

I'm with her. There's an inertia that happens once you start living together that can make it hard to seperate. Plus I noticed that you said you asked her to move in with you. So she is the one who gives up her apartment and private space to move in with you, and presumably if it doesn't work out, she's the one who has to then find another place to live.

If you don't think you know her well enough yet, take some more time dating before making any big decisions. Maybe take a trip together, rent a house or a cabin for a week or two and see how that goes. Frankly, I don't see what information living together would give you that you don't get from dating for a year or two.

[Anonymous]

I felt the same way about moving in with my boyfriend (now husband). We had an understanding that my moving in was in good faith and he would propose within several months. Nobody wants to be strung along and quite honestly there’s not too much you learn after living with someone after dating for awhile, unless it’s some devastating lifestyle lie (like gambling, addiction etc.)

If you’re not ready to get engaged, be honest with your girlfriend.

[Anonymous]

Why are you opposed to getting engaged? Do you have the money for a ring?

[Anonymous]

I moved in with my now husband before we were engaged. That is what we were both fully comfortable with.

Your girlfriend is not comfortable with moving in before an engagement. Respect her wishes and base what you are doing on what she has told you she needs. Don’t try to push her into a situation she feels uncomfortable with, it would be unfair to her.

[Anonymous]

OP, asking her to move in without any sort of commitment is a BIG ask. You are asking her to move into a tenuous situation when she otherwise has stable independent housing. She is smart not to expose herself to this sort of exploitation. Why do your parents get a say in this? Are you a minor? If so, then don't get engaged or move in. If not, grow up and act like an adult.

If you are considering your parents' personal opinions and questioning your girlfriend's boundaries, then you are not mature enough for a serious dating relationship. Let her know so that she can move on and live her life.

[Anonymous]

She should move on.