I said something really stupid/insensitive to gf and now she’s given me an ultimatum

[Anonymous]

I get really worked up sometimes and lash out and say things I don’t mean. I know I have this issue and I’m working on it. Well, I told my girlfriend, or I guess ex now, that she didn’t make me happy and that we should go out separate ways. That’s not true at all, I love her more than anything and want to marry her. She simply said “okay” and she hasn’t contacted me once since this happened a month ago. She’s removed me from all social media and has taken down every picture of us - we were together for 4 years.

I’ve contacted her multiple times since then but she’s replied nicely but curt. Yesterday, my sister came into town and I asked her if she wanted to join us. She said, “you said I don’t make you happy and that we needed to go our separate ways, so I’m not sure why you continue contact me. We’re not friends. So, unless you’re contacting me with an enormous apology, have gone to therapy for a while, and with a receipt for a down payment for a ring please don’t contact me anymore”. Needless to say I was left speechless. I completely understand where she’s coming from since I royally screwed up. However, I was always told never give in to someone’s ultimatum because it’s manipulation. I also don’t want to lose her though.

What are your thoughts on ultimatums/this ultimatum?

[Anonymous]

This isn't an ultimatum. You have issues and she's smart and won't get back together with you until you fix them.

[Anonymous]

I think she's being direct and honest and she's absolutely right. Why would she want to get back together with you if she "makes you unhappy"? You do need to apologize, get therapy, and ask yourself why you are spending years with a GF if you don't intend to marry her. She doesn't have forever if she wants kids.

I applaud her for standing up for what she wants and her honesty. Now you can take it or leave it.

[Anonymous]

Honey, we told you our thoughts the first time you posted about this. We thought that saying this right after shopping for an engagement ring was a bad idea. We told you that it was best for you to part ways with this woman due to this and other issues you posted. We think you should stop bothering her and spend some time growing up before you enter into another serious relationship.

[Anonymous]

Four years? Let her go. Move on. Sounds like you are not a good fit for eachother and bring out the worst in eachother. These are not behaviors (on either side) you want to lock in for life. It’s very hard to change a dynamic between two people. Time for you both to move on.

[Anonymous]

I feel like I've read this post several times in the past year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think she's being direct and honest and she's absolutely right. Why would she want to get back together with you if she "makes you unhappy"? You do need to apologize, get therapy, and ask yourself why you are spending years with a GF if you don't intend to marry her. She doesn't have forever if she wants kids.

I applaud her for standing up for what she wants and her honesty. Now you can take it or leave it.

+1

When someone shows you who they are, believe them. That's what your GF did.

Now, fix yourself, independently of whether she will ever take you back.

[Anonymous]

Wow, this is not even subtle, OP. You were 100% wrong. She took you at your word. Take her at hers -- if you want her back, give her a ring and set a date.

But if she were posting instead of you, I would advise her to move on and never look back. WTH, you told her she didn't make you happy and to go your separate ways just for the hell of it???

[Anonymous]

Not sure your ex is running fast enough, tbh

[Anonymous]

4 yrs? Yes this is more than reasonable. I'd never believe anything after what you said after being strung along that long. I'd also demand a joint session with our therapist. Honestly though, she is lucky you cut her loose. Sounds like being married to you would be awful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Four years? Let her go. Move on. Sounds like you are not a good fit for eachother and bring out the worst in eachother. These are not behaviors (on either side) you want to lock in for life. It’s very hard to change a dynamic between two people. Time for you both to move on.

I hate when I hear someone say this. Please stop placing the blame on a partner when this is an individual’s problem. No one can make you a worse version of yourself except yourself. OP is a jerk. His girlfriend didn’t bring that out of him, that was something that was already there. Language like this makes it seem like if he finds a new/different partner his relationships will magically be better. No they won’t. In fact, they’ll all be the same until he gets therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Four years? Let her go. Move on. Sounds like you are not a good fit for eachother and bring out the worst in eachother. These are not behaviors (on either side) you want to lock in for life. It’s very hard to change a dynamic between two people. Time for you both to move on.

I hate when I hear someone say this. Please stop placing the blame on a partner when this is an individual’s problem. No one can make you a worse version of yourself except yourself. OP is a jerk. His girlfriend didn’t bring that out of him, that was something that was already there. Language like this makes it seem like if he finds a new/different partner his relationships will magically be better. No they won’t. In fact, they’ll all be the same until he gets therapy.

What? No. Different people DO bring out different sides of others. All relationship dynamics are NOT the same -- they are affected by the person you're involved with.

[Anonymous]

I think her giving you this ultimatum was not a great idea because frankly she should have ignored your calls and texts completely. She is doing you a kindness by bothering to respond. You should respond and tell her that you are sorry for mistreating her, but you are not ready for therapy or a ring. Wish her well and say farewell.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, this is not even subtle, OP. You were 100% wrong. She took you at your word. Take her at hers -- if you want her back, give her a ring and set a date.

But if she were posting instead of you, I would advise her to move on and never look back. WTH, you told her she didn't make you happy and to go your separate ways just for the hell of it???

She probably knows OP won’t do but this takes the blame off of her. I’m sure OP is telling people “oh she won’t talk to me” “I’m the victim”. Instead, this makes it impossible to for him to be the victim. He’ll be the a-hole who led his gf on for 4 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Four years? Let her go. Move on. Sounds like you are not a good fit for eachother and bring out the worst in eachother. These are not behaviors (on either side) you want to lock in for life. It’s very hard to change a dynamic between two people. Time for you both to move on.

I hate when I hear someone say this. Please stop placing the blame on a partner when this is an individual’s problem. No one can make you a worse version of yourself except yourself. OP is a jerk. His girlfriend didn’t bring that out of him, that was something that was already there. Language like this makes it seem like if he finds a new/different partner his relationships will magically be better. No they won’t. In fact, they’ll all be the same until he gets therapy.

What? No. Different people DO bring out different sides of others. All relationship dynamics are NOT the same -- they are affected by the person you're involved with.

Yes, dynamics are different with each relationship but if you’re a nice person with good character you’re not going to change into an a$$hole because of who your partner is. Relationships only amplify what you already were. OP was already a jerk to begin with. His ex didn’t make him that way.