Reply to Stay in a blah marriage for the kid?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Op here.  This is all very helpful.  The thing that gives me pause is that we really don’t like each other now.  It’s not that we dislike one another, but there’s almost nothing between us.  Knowing what I know now, I would never set him up with someone like me and vice versa.  He’s a great dad, but not at all interested in me.  He’s not emotionally supportive, even at times when it’s pretty easy/simple (e.g.  a sick parent).  I’ve asked him about therapy and he says that he really feels like “the ship has sailed” but there is no urgency around separation and we should stay together for as long as we can for our kid.  [/quote]

NP. This is where I wonder about posters on DCUM: "I've asked him about therapy." So don't ask. Get into individual therapy and also tell him that you want to work on the marriage -- so you can both at LEAST say to your kid later than you made a real, committed effort -- and couples therapy is a non-negotiable thing now. Make a case that you must have had enough in common to get married in the first place and you want to see if you can find where you both might reconnect as a couple again. I know no one can force an adult to go to therapy or to do the "homework" but it sounds like you haven't made clear how bad you think things are.

It sounds as if he is very, very comfortable where he is mentally and emotionally and in terms of his day to day activities. But if you both have a good time on those weekend outings with your kid, you need to put effort (both of you, not just you the OP) into thinking, what can we do as a couple that might be equally interesting? Not sit and talk about feelings (at first) but activities, outward things on which you can both focus and then have as a shared experience to talk about later.

An early PP noted that you sound as if you're both in a normal point that many marriages hit. "The bottom of the U curve" as that PP put it. I agree with that image and think you dont' see the other, upward side of the curve, and will have to work harder than most to get there. I wonder if you really don't "like" each other as much as you just walk past each other like each of you is furniture; when did that start? When you had a kid? . Read him your first paragraph of your first post on this thread. I wonder if he truly understands yet how many levels of resentment you have--that post sums it up. But don't read it to him until you have that first couples therapy appointment already lined up and can say, "I've got this appointment. Are you willing to put in effort here? Because I am, NOT just for Kid's sake but for the sake of the marriage we both entered into."

If you end up divorced, that's liveable, but check out the many threads on DCUM about women trying to date after divorce. It's very sobering and frankly depressing. Back up, think about why you married; if he changed; if YOU changed; what caused changes. And as a PP says, double down on your own friendships, join activities, etc., while you get that therapy. [/quote]

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