Phrase to get strangers to stop admonishing autistic child

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. I REALLY like the suggestion upthread to say, “unless you are trained in working with autistic children, please stay out of it.” I think the subtly of it will make people stop for a second and think.

It’s also interesting to me to note that I asked on this thread for advice on what I can say to meddlesome adults (and I’ve gotten lots of great advice— thank you!) but some people cannot help giving me parenting advice, which feels a bit analogous to what happened at the cookie truck. People cannot help themselves!

This is a NP and totally agree with you - are there seriously parents on this board without Autistic kids who feel like they should give parenting advice here?

I've totally been in your shoes. And I also like the quote above. My only fear is someone will say "actually I am [fill in the blank, I have an Autistic relative, I am a para or teacher, etc.] Unfortunately I have had those very people do some version of the ice cream truck thing to my kid. I have also had the worry of sounding like it's an "excuse" to my kid to mention Autism, but I think it is also okay to advocate for your child in those kids of situations if you feel compelled to do so. I think that it is helpful for my DD to know that she does have a different response than a NT person to unexpected things happening, especially when she's already irritable. I bet your kid was already on edge when that cookie couldn't happen and it just tipped her over.

[Anonymous]

I would put my hand up, make eye contact, and say clearly, “I’ve got this covered.”

I am a mom of two ASD kids, and I empathize. I try to remember people are generally well intentioned, ignorant of the situation, and/or having their own tough day.

It stinks that as the parent of a SN kid you are always expected to rise above…. But in my years of experience there is really no other way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I say something like this, as calmly, sharply, and with as much eye contact as I can spare:

"You have. Absolutely. No Idea. What is going on here." (A pause on absolutely really helps.)

Generally, it shames the speaker, and they stop. They don't deserve the benefit of knowing my child's diagnosis. I never share with someone that arrogant and condescending. Sorry that it happened.

I think this is the best option too. My child has ADHD not ASD but I’ve had to carry them out of situations like this before and it’s a special kind of hell. I’m afraid there’s nothing you can say to anyone to make it less horrible. But I do like the implication that there’s more going on than meets the eye without sharing medical information. My kid is pretty upfront about their diagnosis but it’s also very important to them that they disclose it not me so I respect that as much as I can.

I think the other mom was probably trying to help and sometimes for a NT child they listen better to a stranger or another child. And most kids would have been ok getting ice cream instead, so that might have helped. I do think the ice cream truck lady was horrible but unfortunately a lot of people think comments like that are helpful, when they are really just shaming to both the child and you. It stinks and you aren’t alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes! This is OP. I’m getting away from my original question here but I can’t imagine a world in which she thought it was appropriate to withhold ice cream from a customer based on her own parenting or discipline ideas.

I am also surprised the other mom in line thought it was a good idea to tell MY CHILD that the truck still had ice cream. Why were both of them talking directly to a child who was in such distress? The whole thing was so strange.

I think they were trying to be helpful and admittedly I didn’t have the situation under control. She was screaming and I was trying to pick her up and carry her away. We were a mess. But if you want to help, talk to ME and ask me what you can do to help. So very strange.

I get that this was a difficult situation and that the ice cream truck lady was out of line but IME parents talk to other kids all the time. It's perfectly normal. The other parent has no idea whether your child has special needs at all and was just trying to help. Get a grip OP.

This is OP. As a public service announcement, since there appears to be some confusion on this point, if a child is so distressed that they are screaming in public, flailing their arms and legs, writhing on the ground — whether you know that the child has special needs or not — just let the parent who is standing there with the child handle it. There is zero chance you will make the situation better by addressing the child.

How old is your daughter?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. I REALLY like the suggestion upthread to say, “unless you are trained in working with autistic children, please stay out of it.” I think the subtly of it will make people stop for a second and think.

It’s also interesting to me to note that I asked on this thread for advice on what I can say to meddlesome adults (and I’ve gotten lots of great advice— thank you!) but some people cannot help giving me parenting advice, which feels a bit analogous to what happened at the cookie truck. People cannot help themselves!

This is a NP and totally agree with you - are there seriously parents on this board without Autistic kids who feel like they should give parenting advice here?

I've totally been in your shoes. And I also like the quote above. My only fear is someone will say "actually I am [fill in the blank, I have an Autistic relative, I am a para or teacher, etc.] Unfortunately I have had those very people do some version of the ice cream truck thing to my kid. I have also had the worry of sounding like it's an "excuse" to my kid to mention Autism, but I think it is also okay to advocate for your child in those kids of situations if you feel compelled to do so. I think that it is helpful for my DD to know that she does have a different response than a NT person to unexpected things happening, especially when she's already irritable. I bet your kid was already on edge when that cookie couldn't happen and it just tipped her over.

Hugs op. Btdt. It's so tough to be the parent in those situations.

I do agree that they probably meant well. I worked with kids extensively when I was in high school and college in summer camps and after school programs. 9 times out of 10 a child would stop a tantrum when called out like that, so the bystanders probably had had experiences where that kind of comment worked and they most likely were trying to help you, not judge you.

I didn't learn much about autism until it came into my family life, but I think hearing something like "her sensory systems get overloaded sometimes, we're working on it, no need for you to intervene," would have helped me realize I wasn't being helpful and there was more to the picture than I understood. I don't think hearing "she has autism" would have meant much to me then, I'm embarrassed to say. But in the heat of the moment, it's probably hard to say more than "I got this, thanks " The language on the cards suggested above is really helpful and educational, too, I'm just having a hard time picturing how I'd manage to pull out and hand over a business card when my kid was melting down.

[Anonymous]

The Mom in line was trying to be helpful, but even with a NT child that stupid line / threat doesn't work. Chastising an upset child doesn't work, period. She's a terrible a parent, verified.

I would have said, "it's not helpful to resolving this meltdown by threatening my child with special needs. In fact, you've made the situation worse, please stop so I can focus on this." "Oh, and next time, bring enough cookies for everyone."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The Mom in line was trying to be helpful, but even with a NT child that stupid line / threat doesn't work. Chastising an upset child doesn't work, period. She's a terrible a parent, verified.

I would have said, "it's not helpful to resolving this meltdown by threatening my child with special needs. In fact, you've made the situation worse, please stop so I can focus on this." "Oh, and next time, bring enough cookies for everyone."

I agree with assuming the best of intentions. I don't think it's helpful to turn it around and chastise the adults for not bringing enough cookies. You don't know who decided to buy a dozen when they only anticipated each kid would get one or 2. I would not accuse an adult of making it worse when the behavior was likely just ignorance. I would just advocate for my own child and increase awareness and education..."She has sensory issues. We are working on this with her." Take the high road and assume the best.

[Anonymous]

I’ve said things like “Please step back, we need space and quiet.”

I have also asked if I can help, since many times parents have bags, other kids etc that can be gathered and carried to wherever they are trying to regroup.

I will never forget the amazing woman in a full burka at Tysons who stopped when my 3yo son was having a full-on meltdown because he had a bloody nose for the first time. I also had my 5yo daughter with me and just a small bag since we weren’t going to be there long.

I was on the floor with him trying to handle that situation while keeping my daughter by me but out of the way. The woman sent her husband to help by handing me tissues. But then she realized he didn’t know what to do. So she came over and spoke quietly to my daughter while handing me wet wipes and tissue from her own diaper bag.

She never spoke to me, but I will never forget her kindness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I disagree. Offering “she has autism and your comments are unhelpful” helps provide busybodies the proper context for them to bite their tongues b/c they don’t understand.

But it takes away from dealing with the child to stop and talk to others. I think people just want to be reassured that it's being dealt with. If you're standing there talking to other adults, trying to explain and rationalize, then the kid isn't being dealt with. The child need to be removed from the situation more than everyone else needs a discussion about what's going on. It's really none of their business but standing there looking helpless invites people to start offering their unhelpful opinions or advice.

Op didn’t say anything to suggest she was just standing there looking helpless. It only takes a second for busy bodies to start intervening.

[Anonymous]

OP I’d probably be so focused on my kid that I wouldn’t have a phrase ready. I’d probably just glare and ignore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP again. To more fully paint the picture, the woman in the food truck was saying to my child, “I still have ice cream, but little girls who talk to their mothers that way can’t have any.” To an autistic child mid-meltdown. It did not help the situation.

"She's autistic. That's not helpful. "

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve said things like “Please step back, we need space and quiet.”

I have also asked if I can help, since many times parents have bags, other kids etc that can be gathered and carried to wherever they are trying to regroup.

I will never forget the amazing woman in a full burka at Tysons who stopped when my 3yo son was having a full-on meltdown because he had a bloody nose for the first time. I also had my 5yo daughter with me and just a small bag since we weren’t going to be there long.

I was on the floor with him trying to handle that situation while keeping my daughter by me but out of the way. The woman sent her husband to help by handing me tissues. But then she realized he didn’t know what to do. So she came over and spoke quietly to my daughter while handing me wet wipes and tissue from her own diaper bag.

She never spoke to me, but I will never forget her kindness.

Why does the fact she was in a burka have anything to do with her behavior?

[Anonymous]

The problem with all these reponses with the dramatic pauses and such (eg the one telling people they have no idea what is happening) is that rather than getting the other person to go away, they can just provoke certain people more and cause them to go from judgmental to angry. I know there is a temptation to be snarky and cutting to make the other person be quiet when they are "correcting" any behavior in public, but you can also trigger them to get up in your face. In this day and age, you can never be sure who is going to go from annoying to angry really fast because you said something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. I REALLY like the suggestion upthread to say, “unless you are trained in working with autistic children, please stay out of it.” I think the subtly of it will make people stop for a second and think.

It’s also interesting to me to note that I asked on this thread for advice on what I can say to meddlesome adults (and I’ve gotten lots of great advice— thank you!) but some people cannot help giving me parenting advice, which feels a bit analogous to what happened at the cookie truck. People cannot help themselves!

This is a NP and totally agree with you - are there seriously parents on this board without Autistic kids who feel like they should give parenting advice here?

I've totally been in your shoes. And I also like the quote above. My only fear is someone will say "actually I am [fill in the blank, I have an Autistic relative, I am a para or teacher, etc.] Unfortunately I have had those very people do some version of the ice cream truck thing to my kid. I have also had the worry of sounding like it's an "excuse" to my kid to mention Autism, but I think it is also okay to advocate for your child in those kids of situations if you feel compelled to do so. I think that it is helpful for my DD to know that she does have a different response than a NT person to unexpected things happening, especially when she's already irritable. I bet your kid was already on edge when that cookie couldn't happen and it just tipped her over.

Hugs op. Btdt. It's so tough to be the parent in those situations.

I do agree that they probably meant well. I worked with kids extensively when I was in high school and college in summer camps and after school programs. 9 times out of 10 a child would stop a tantrum when called out like that, so the bystanders probably had had experiences where that kind of comment worked and they most likely were trying to help you, not judge you.

I didn't learn much about autism until it came into my family life, but I think hearing something like "her sensory systems get overloaded sometimes, we're working on it, no need for you to intervene," would have helped me realize I wasn't being helpful and there was more to the picture than I understood. I don't think hearing "she has autism" would have meant much to me then, I'm embarrassed to say. But in the heat of the moment, it's probably hard to say more than "I got this, thanks " The language on the cards suggested above is really helpful and educational, too, I'm just having a hard time picturing how I'd manage to pull out and hand over a business card when my kid was melting down.

I have an ASD child. Before I say anything else, wanted to say that I'm sorry, OP. These situations are awful enough without the mean judgment of others. I hope things got better.

I think "Her sensory systems get overloaded sometimes" is a good phrase as it is vague about condition, but specific to the point that her behavior should not be judged according to the standards they might be used to for a NT child. I might also add something more proactive about what she does need to give them some redirection, depending on what you think if this is the case. "Our doctors have suggested in this situation she needs ... [quiet,space].."

An alternative along these lines, especially if you just want someone to stop distracting you, you could say something more like "Right now I need to focus on the steps our medical professionals have recommended for this situation. Please let us be. I appreciate your understanding." Most people will not feel the need to continue to say anything at that point - you've gotten them to reconsider the situation and you weirdly complement them proactively for doing what you want them to do so it's doubly shameful to continue. And you've allowed them to save face by thanking them for something (yes, they don't deserve this, but not the point in these situations, I'm usually just trying to get through).

I would probably say something about the ice cream person to the PTA but try to be sympathetic to the fact that they couldn't have known this food truck person would do something like this in advance. But it is very reasonable to suggest that they not hire this person again and instead try out someone who will hopefully be better able to handle the diverse population of children at your school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. I REALLY like the suggestion upthread to say, “unless you are trained in working with autistic children, please stay out of it.” I think the subtly of it will make people stop for a second and think.

It’s also interesting to me to note that I asked on this thread for advice on what I can say to meddlesome adults (and I’ve gotten lots of great advice— thank you!) but some people cannot help giving me parenting advice, which feels a bit analogous to what happened at the cookie truck. People cannot help themselves!

This is a NP and totally agree with you - are there seriously parents on this board without Autistic kids who feel like they should give parenting advice here?

I've totally been in your shoes. And I also like the quote above. My only fear is someone will say "actually I am [fill in the blank, I have an Autistic relative, I am a para or teacher, etc.] Unfortunately I have had those very people do some version of the ice cream truck thing to my kid. I have also had the worry of sounding like it's an "excuse" to my kid to mention Autism, but I think it is also okay to advocate for your child in those kids of situations if you feel compelled to do so. I think that it is helpful for my DD to know that she does have a different response than a NT person to unexpected things happening, especially when she's already irritable. I bet your kid was already on edge when that cookie couldn't happen and it just tipped her over.

Hugs op. Btdt. It's so tough to be the parent in those situations.

I do agree that they probably meant well. I worked with kids extensively when I was in high school and college in summer camps and after school programs. 9 times out of 10 a child would stop a tantrum when called out like that, so the bystanders probably had had experiences where that kind of comment worked and they most likely were trying to help you, not judge you.

I didn't learn much about autism until it came into my family life, but I think hearing something like "her sensory systems get overloaded sometimes, we're working on it, no need for you to intervene," would have helped me realize I wasn't being helpful and there was more to the picture than I understood. I don't think hearing "she has autism" would have meant much to me then, I'm embarrassed to say. But in the heat of the moment, it's probably hard to say more than "I got this, thanks " The language on the cards suggested above is really helpful and educational, too, I'm just having a hard time picturing how I'd manage to pull out and hand over a business card when my kid was melting down.

NP. I agree with this. I've worked with kids and yes, this sort of chastisement from another adult does work, often, with kids. It has even worked with my ASD kid before, fwiw.

OP was upset in the moment by the meltdown and didn't appreciate it, but the other adult was trying to help the situation, trying to help OP. These 5 pages of righteous indignation are not helpful for OP.