Phrase to get strangers to stop admonishing autistic child

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I say something like this, as calmly, sharply, and with as much eye contact as I can spare:

"You have. Absolutely. No Idea. What is going on here." (A pause on absolutely really helps.)

Generally, it shames the speaker, and they stop. They don't deserve the benefit of knowing my child's diagnosis. I never share with someone that arrogant and condescending. Sorry that it happened.

+1. NP here. I like this a lot.

[Anonymous]

I’m so sorry OP! I feel like I would be the one melting down in that situation. I could totally see this happening to me SN son, and I wish other people would just leave us alone.

It’s not as easy as everyone thinks to calm my son down or remove him from a situation. Usually staying in place, being as calm and quiet as possible and just waiting for the meltdown to pass is the only thing that works for him. A stranger intervening or even talking at him like that would 100% make it worse.

[Anonymous]

I’m assuming you think you are being helpful. You are not. Your input is neither welcome nor appropriate. If you can’t leave us alone, I am going to call security.

[Anonymous]

I have two kids who are not NT and I might have also said to the kid “they have ice cream”—I wouldn’t press it. But I do generally speak l I know a kid can’t always respond if they are in kept down but I don’t think it’s awful to speak to the child, assuming you’re not badgering them.

I don’t have a good phrase but would probably say something like “thanks but I am handling this.” I wouldn’t be rude to another parent unless they were truly awful because I know I will need that parent’s grace and acceptance for my child at another point in time, so I always go out of my way to be positive with other parents and adults that my kids will interact with.

For the truck lady, I might have just said “I’ll make decisions about what my child is allowed to have, thanks.” Or just said the ice cream was for me and then handed it to my kid if they wanted it. I agree she was awful.

[Anonymous]

This is OP. I REALLY like the suggestion upthread to say, “unless you are trained in working with autistic children, please stay out of it.” I think the subtly of it will make people stop for a second and think.

It’s also interesting to me to note that I asked on this thread for advice on what I can say to meddlesome adults (and I’ve gotten lots of great advice— thank you!) but some people cannot help giving me parenting advice, which feels a bit analogous to what happened at the cookie truck. People cannot help themselves!

[Anonymous]

Do not say it’s autism. It’s no one’s business.

Thanks, I have it under control.

She’s doing the best she can.

Mind your own business.

F off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. I REALLY like the suggestion upthread to say, “unless you are trained in working with autistic children, please stay out of it.” I think the subtly of it will make people stop for a second and think.

It’s also interesting to me to note that I asked on this thread for advice on what I can say to meddlesome adults (and I’ve gotten lots of great advice— thank you!) but some people cannot help giving me parenting advice, which feels a bit analogous to what happened at the cookie truck. People cannot help themselves!

No, it’s no one’s business.

[Anonymous]

Sorry that happened to you. It’s hard to imagine why any parent of ND or NT children would be unable to relate to a child melting down.

[Anonymous]

I am so sorry, OP. That sounds like such a hard situation.

Honestly, I’m not as nice as the other posters. I’d probably say, “Mind your own business, Karen. You’re making this worse.” It’s direct, it’s the truth, it’s what I’d want to say, and it should accomplish what you’re trying to accomplish. It’s none of their business your child’s diagnosis, and people like that are still busybodies whether there’s an explanation or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks but that’s not helpful.” And ignore.

This. Bystanders have no idea what is happening.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP again. To more fully paint the picture, the woman in the food truck was saying to my child, “I still have ice cream, but little girls who talk to their mothers that way can’t have any.” To an autistic child mid-meltdown. It did not help the situation.

You shouldn’t ever use autism as an excuse for poor behavior. Please don’t do that. Just ignore the adults that aren’t acting as such and focus on your child. If you need help with discipline and separating the autism from the child then hire someone to assist.

Step off ignoramus. You don't belong on this forum.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Work with your child on accepting “no” and accepting changes, ignore adults that don’t understand.

Obviously OP is working on this... sigh.

The absolute shite we have to put up with. Pp do you really think op is such an idiot. I am so tired of dealing with people like you.

Oh, but you're right. None of us have ever thought about or actually tried to work on these types of things. Where would we be without your help?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I disagree. Offering “she has autism and your comments are unhelpful” helps provide busybodies the proper context for them to bite their tongues b/c they don’t understand.

But it takes away from dealing with the child to stop and talk to others. I think people just want to be reassured that it's being dealt with. If you're standing there talking to other adults, trying to explain and rationalize, then the kid isn't being dealt with. The child need to be removed from the situation more than everyone else needs a discussion about what's going on. It's really none of their business but standing there looking helpless invites people to start offering their unhelpful opinions or advice.

I'm not op. Do you have any idea how hard it can be to remove a kid from the situation? Many of our kids can't be "scooped up". Frankly, excercise some grace and patience as we try to deal with our kids. They don't need to be hidden from society because a melt down some how triggers you overbearing adults.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes! This is OP. I’m getting away from my original question here but I can’t imagine a world in which she thought it was appropriate to withhold ice cream from a customer based on her own parenting or discipline ideas.

I am also surprised the other mom in line thought it was a good idea to tell MY CHILD that the truck still had ice cream. Why were both of them talking directly to a child who was in such distress? The whole thing was so strange.

I think they were trying to be helpful and admittedly I didn’t have the situation under control. She was screaming and I was trying to pick her up and carry her away. We were a mess. But if you want to help, talk to ME and ask me what you can do to help. So very strange.

I get that this was a difficult situation and that the ice cream truck lady was out of line but IME parents talk to other kids all the time. It's perfectly normal. The other parent has no idea whether your child has special needs at all and was just trying to help. Get a grip OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes! This is OP. I’m getting away from my original question here but I can’t imagine a world in which she thought it was appropriate to withhold ice cream from a customer based on her own parenting or discipline ideas.

I am also surprised the other mom in line thought it was a good idea to tell MY CHILD that the truck still had ice cream. Why were both of them talking directly to a child who was in such distress? The whole thing was so strange.

I think they were trying to be helpful and admittedly I didn’t have the situation under control. She was screaming and I was trying to pick her up and carry her away. We were a mess. But if you want to help, talk to ME and ask me what you can do to help. So very strange.

I get that this was a difficult situation and that the ice cream truck lady was out of line but IME parents talk to other kids all the time. It's perfectly normal. The other parent has no idea whether your child has special needs at all and was just trying to help. Get a grip OP.

This is OP. As a public service announcement, since there appears to be some confusion on this point, if a child is so distressed that they are screaming in public, flailing their arms and legs, writhing on the ground — whether you know that the child has special needs or not — just let the parent who is standing there with the child handle it. There is zero chance you will make the situation better by addressing the child.