Reply to Phrase to get strangers to stop admonishing autistic child

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]This is OP. I REALLY like the suggestion upthread to say, “unless you are trained in working with autistic children, please stay out of it.” I think the subtly of it will make people stop for a second and think.

It’s also interesting to me to note that I asked on this thread for advice on what I can say to meddlesome adults (and I’ve gotten lots of great advice— thank you!) but some people cannot help giving me parenting advice, which feels a bit analogous to what happened at the cookie truck. People cannot help themselves![/quote]

This is a NP and totally agree with you - are there seriously parents on this board without Autistic kids who feel like they should give parenting advice here?

I've totally been in your shoes. And I also like the quote above. My only fear is someone will say "actually I am [fill in the blank, I have an Autistic relative, I am a para or teacher, etc.] Unfortunately I have had those very people do some version of the ice cream truck thing to my kid. I have also had the worry of sounding like it's an "excuse" to my kid to mention Autism, but I think it is also okay to advocate for your child in those kids of situations if you feel compelled to do so. I think that it is helpful for my DD to know that she does have a different response than a NT person to unexpected things happening, especially when she's already irritable. I bet your kid was already on edge when that cookie couldn't happen and it just tipped her over.
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Hugs op. Btdt. It's so tough to be the parent in those situations.

I do agree that they probably meant well. I worked with kids extensively when I was in high school and college in summer camps and after school programs. 9 times out of 10 a child would stop a tantrum when called out like that, so the bystanders probably had had experiences where that kind of comment worked and they most likely were trying to help you, not judge you.

I didn't learn much about autism until it came into my family life, but I think hearing something like "her sensory systems get overloaded sometimes, we're working on it, no need for you to intervene," would have helped me realize I wasn't being helpful and there was more to the picture than I understood. I don't think hearing "she has autism" would have meant much to me then, I'm embarrassed to say. But in the heat of the moment, it's probably hard to say more than "I got this, thanks " The language on the cards suggested above is really helpful and educational, too, I'm just having a hard time picturing how I'd manage to pull out and hand over a business card when my kid was melting down.[/quote]

I have an ASD child.  Before I say anything else, wanted to say that I'm sorry, OP.  These situations are awful enough without the mean judgment of others. I hope things got better.
 
I think "Her sensory systems get overloaded sometimes" is a good phrase as it is vague about condition, but specific to the point that her behavior should not be judged according to the standards they might be used to for a NT child.  I might also add something more proactive about what she does need to give them some redirection, depending on what you think if this is the case. "Our doctors have suggested in this situation she needs ... [quiet,space].."

An alternative along these lines, especially if you just want someone to stop distracting you, you could say something more like "Right now I need to focus on the steps our medical professionals have recommended for this situation. Please let us be.  I appreciate your understanding."  Most people will not feel the need to continue to say anything at that point - you've gotten them to reconsider the situation and you weirdly complement them proactively for doing what you want them to do so it's doubly shameful to continue. And you've allowed them to save face by thanking them for something (yes, they don't deserve this, but not the point in these situations, I'm usually just trying to get through).

I would probably say something about the ice cream person to the PTA but try to be sympathetic to the fact that they couldn't have known this food truck person would do something like this in advance.  But it is very reasonable to suggest that they not hire this person again and instead try out someone who will hopefully be better able to handle the diverse population of children at your school.[/quote]

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