I meet a lot of moms, but no one wants to be my friend

[Anonymous]

this has been eye opening. like the OP, I work FT and going to coffee is how we socialize at work. you walk down the hall for a break or even (!) leave the office. you then work up to drinks/lunch/texting. it honestly never occurred to me that asking moms to meet up for coffee (in a non-work setting) would be seen as coming on too strong or as a “friendship interview”. this explains a lot for me. thanks!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I hear you. Consider an impromptu hug strategy. Not too long after a conversation begins, it's really an instinct thing (there is no "rule" on timing), just hug the person. You or they can carry on whatever they were saying, the hug doesn't have to be "about" anything. It's just a hug! You may find your tribe from there. I know people who have.

do NOt do this...you will scare people

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Inviting for coffee is like an awkward date. It's weird. You're just going about things inorganically. What you do is you invite kids for playdates and hope that in the moments you see their moms, over time you chat, click, you start randomly texting each other, and a friendship accidentally forms organically.

+1 or if you collect anything invite them to check out your collection. I collect flashlights, for example, and people always find in interesting to see them. You just have to go with that flow.

omg I can"t imagine being excited by flashlights. Glad you found people who do. Your startegy would work well with show in tell in Kindergarten though.

[Anonymous]

From what you describe, OP, you’re not being nearly picky enough. The process you describe sounds like friend auditions, in that you barely know the women you’re inviting to coffee. As PPs have said, you do that *after* you’ve taken the time to get to know people at these shared places (PTA, soccer practice, whatever) and sense a real connection.

It may be insecurity, but you describe yourself in such glowing terms it’s also possible that you’re giving off a sense that you’re better than others. I don’t like my friends because they have interesting careers or are fantastic conversationalists; I like them because they’re warm, empathic, funny, generous, etc. The fact that you haven’t made friends in any of your various circles suggests it’s something you’re doing. That’s hard to realize, but it also means it’s something you can change.

I’m a mid-40s mom who makes friends easily and keeps the ones that are the most mutual. I’ve turned mom friends into real friends, have friends from various jobs through the years, etc. I’m also picky about my close friends and have high expectations of them - in how they treat me and others.

[Anonymous]

OP, you mentioned that you meet up for coffee and then you circle back a few weeks later to ask how they're doing. Instead of doing that, why not send little funny texts that relate to things you two talked about in the interim. Keep it light.

[Anonymous]

A lot of moms just don’t have their “new friend” taxi light on, too. The way we’ve structured our lives, a lot of moms are struggling with capacity.

[Anonymous]

OP, I have felt like you do. One thing I've learned is to try and have low expectations for my mom friendships. I wouldn't say any of my mom friends are a "best friend" and there are even times when I don't feel close to any of them. But I do have several mom friends and I derive a lot of support from them even though I keep the expectations super low and don't really ask much of them. Examples:

- Met one friend at a mommy and me class when our kids were babies. We live near each other and our kids became friends. We do a lot of family socializing via playdates and family get togethers, but honestly she and I don't do a ton of 1:1 time -- maybe 2 or 3 times a year. It's hard to find time. But we do other things for each other. Like we provide babysitting for each other. It's not togetherness time, but wow do I appreciate it and it makes me feel tender towards her. Plus it has allowed me to get to know her kids well and I love my relationships with them. I feel a bond with her over this even though it's actually time we spend apart. That's an interesting thing to learn about friendships -- they don't always have to be based on time together.

- One mom friend is the wife of a close friend of mine from grad school. We have NOTHING in common except having become moms around the same time, being close in age, and of course she's married to my friend. But otherwise we are polar opposites in terms of interests, personality, everything. But we have this specific mom kinship based on having kids the same age and also the fact that both of us were unexpectedly SAHMs for a time (layoff for me, Covid-related for her). I've come to realize it's actually wonderful to have mom friends who are really different than you. I feel zero competition with her even though we're the same age and have kids the same age. We just have very different lives and priorities. So it's great because we can talk about our kids, our lives, struggles we're having, be supportive, but there's very little comparing. We've made different choices and are respectful of that.

- One mom friend was a friend before I became a mom and honestly we weren't even that close before. But during Covid, I reached out to her and just said "I'm struggling with parenting through this, can we do a text thread where we vent about the hard parts of this because I honestly just need to be able to get this out to someone who gets it maybe once a week or every other week." And she was like "YES" and we have done this since then. Like our entire friendship is based on an agreement to validate and support when the other person is at their wit's end with whatever -- tantrumming kids, school shut downs, unhelpful partner, demanding parents/ILs, etc. There is an unspoken rule of no advice, no judgment. Just listening and affirming -- yes that's annoying, or yup I've been there or omg I can't believe he did that. It is cathartic and so great to have this very specific outlet for this kind of vent. It keeps the "mom rage" (it's a thing, look it up!) in check and keeps me from feeling totally isolated on my worst days as a parent.

And those are my mom friends. Not a perfect confidant or bestie among them, and that's a-ok. Sometimes I go long periods without interacting with any of them, sometimes I'm reaching out to all of them on the same day because I need support. Also -- they don't know each other! No mom crew for me. They have met at my kid's birthday parties, but otherwise they are way too different to be friends with each other.

Sometimes mom friendships look different than you think they will or from the image of friendship you might get from the media. I just took the approach of figuring out what my actual needs for companionships, support, etc., were and just finding peopel who could fill those needs, even if it's an amalgam of a few different people. Would I love a best friend who totally gets me and with whom I have a standing date to catch up and support each other? Well, yeah, I would. Especially since my mom is not supportive like that at all and my sister isn't either. But short of that, what I have works pretty well.

[Anonymous]

If we are being honest, a lot of moms aren't that nice and also probably not that great to be friends with anyway. Maybe you aren't missing much, OP!

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry OP that sounds tough.

Here's my personal situation: I'm also a mom of 2 early ES kids. My husband and I both have demanding jobs (I own a business), we have a house, yard, dog, 4 parents in their 70s that are needing additional support from us, I actually still have 2 of may grandparents in their 90s that I share care for. I have really great girl friends of 20+ years and barely get to see them once every few months just because life is so demanding at this stage. My point is, I'm just genuine not in the market for new friends/don't have time. I would feel for you, but wouldn't have the logistical or mental capacity to try and build another friendship right now. My guess is at least some of the people you've tried to befriend are in the same camp.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:this has been eye opening. like the OP, I work FT and going to coffee is how we socialize at work. you walk down the hall for a break or even (!) leave the office. you then work up to drinks/lunch/texting. it honestly never occurred to me that asking moms to meet up for coffee (in a non-work setting) would be seen as coming on too strong or as a “friendship interview”. this explains a lot for me. thanks!

+1 the “getting coffee together” is really, really common at my husband’s job and people definitely don’t need to be BFF’s to do it. But at my job it would be seen as extremely forward and something you’d only do with your close coworkers, or your supervisor taking you out for a treat or to celebrate a project or whatever. FWIW my husband is a fed and I’m private sector.

I think asking them out for coffee right away, one on one, is probably not the right move. It’s not inherently a bad move, but it’s not right in this context. You get peoples hackles up like you’re about to pitch them on Amway or something. What about if, after a PTA volunteer project is done, maybe the upcoming teacher appreciation week, you invite the other volunteers that you’re close to out as a small group for a coffee meet up? Get their phone numbers first so you can start a texting relationship and then send a group text invite to ”relax/celebrate PTA volunteers after a successful TAW.” Or if you guys do Field Day or something else at the end of the year - after that. Maybe start with small group stuff and then pursue more communication with a mom or two that you feel closest to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I have felt like you do. One thing I've learned is to try and have low expectations for my mom friendships. I wouldn't say any of my mom friends are a "best friend" and there are even times when I don't feel close to any of them. But I do have several mom friends and I derive a lot of support from them even though I keep the expectations super low and don't really ask much of them. Examples:

- Met one friend at a mommy and me class when our kids were babies. We live near each other and our kids became friends. We do a lot of family socializing via playdates and family get togethers, but honestly she and I don't do a ton of 1:1 time -- maybe 2 or 3 times a year. It's hard to find time. But we do other things for each other. Like we provide babysitting for each other. It's not togetherness time, but wow do I appreciate it and it makes me feel tender towards her. Plus it has allowed me to get to know her kids well and I love my relationships with them. I feel a bond with her over this even though it's actually time we spend apart. That's an interesting thing to learn about friendships -- they don't always have to be based on time together.

- One mom friend is the wife of a close friend of mine from grad school. We have NOTHING in common except having become moms around the same time, being close in age, and of course she's married to my friend. But otherwise we are polar opposites in terms of interests, personality, everything. But we have this specific mom kinship based on having kids the same age and also the fact that both of us were unexpectedly SAHMs for a time (layoff for me, Covid-related for her). I've come to realize it's actually wonderful to have mom friends who are really different than you. I feel zero competition with her even though we're the same age and have kids the same age. We just have very different lives and priorities. So it's great because we can talk about our kids, our lives, struggles we're having, be supportive, but there's very little comparing. We've made different choices and are respectful of that.

- One mom friend was a friend before I became a mom and honestly we weren't even that close before. But during Covid, I reached out to her and just said "I'm struggling with parenting through this, can we do a text thread where we vent about the hard parts of this because I honestly just need to be able to get this out to someone who gets it maybe once a week or every other week." And she was like "YES" and we have done this since then. Like our entire friendship is based on an agreement to validate and support when the other person is at their wit's end with whatever -- tantrumming kids, school shut downs, unhelpful partner, demanding parents/ILs, etc. There is an unspoken rule of no advice, no judgment. Just listening and affirming -- yes that's annoying, or yup I've been there or omg I can't believe he did that. It is cathartic and so great to have this very specific outlet for this kind of vent. It keeps the "mom rage" (it's a thing, look it up!) in check and keeps me from feeling totally isolated on my worst days as a parent.

And those are my mom friends. Not a perfect confidant or bestie among them, and that's a-ok. Sometimes I go long periods without interacting with any of them, sometimes I'm reaching out to all of them on the same day because I need support. Also -- they don't know each other! No mom crew for me. They have met at my kid's birthday parties, but otherwise they are way too different to be friends with each other.

Sometimes mom friendships look different than you think they will or from the image of friendship you might get from the media. I just took the approach of figuring out what my actual needs for companionships, support, etc., were and just finding peopel who could fill those needs, even if it's an amalgam of a few different people. Would I love a best friend who totally gets me and with whom I have a standing date to catch up and support each other? Well, yeah, I would. Especially since my mom is not supportive like that at all and my sister isn't either. But short of that, what I have works pretty well.

I totally agree that mom friendships are their own category- usually fueled by convienece (kids on same team = we are both going to be in the same place weekly might as well be friends)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:this has been eye opening. like the OP, I work FT and going to coffee is how we socialize at work. you walk down the hall for a break or even (!) leave the office. you then work up to drinks/lunch/texting. it honestly never occurred to me that asking moms to meet up for coffee (in a non-work setting) would be seen as coming on too strong or as a “friendship interview”. this explains a lot for me. thanks!

+1 the “getting coffee together” is really, really common at my husband’s job and people definitely don’t need to be BFF’s to do it. But at my job it would be seen as extremely forward and something you’d only do with your close coworkers, or your supervisor taking you out for a treat or to celebrate a project or whatever. FWIW my husband is a fed and I’m private sector.

I think asking them out for coffee right away, one on one, is probably not the right move. It’s not inherently a bad move, but it’s not right in this context. You get peoples hackles up like you’re about to pitch them on Amway or something. What about if, after a PTA volunteer project is done, maybe the upcoming teacher appreciation week, you invite the other volunteers that you’re close to out as a small group for a coffee meet up? Get their phone numbers first so you can start a texting relationship and then send a group text invite to ”relax/celebrate PTA volunteers after a successful TAW.” Or if you guys do Field Day or something else at the end of the year - after that. Maybe start with small group stuff and then pursue more communication with a mom or two that you feel closest to.

The idea of a no pressure anyone who wants to celebration get together for a group works really well. I’ve been on the receiving end of this just once and really felt happy about it. It’s a clearly one time thing so if you guys aren’t besties no problem but it’s nice to hang out in a small group. I really struggle with groups of like 25 plus where I have to mix and mingle ( I just hate it, personal preference) but small groups work for most people.

[Anonymous]

Book club
church women's group

[Anonymous]

I have three kids under 9 and work while the youngest is in preschool. Not sure when I would even get coffee? And if I had the time to, it would likely be with a friend I’ve already known and love.

[Anonymous]

The thing about becoming a mom is that you're suddenly forced into this social pool of random people. It's jarring, because you're used to having some kind of connection to the people you're with, not just "guess we're both women who had kids." It's like going back to high school, where the people who matter are whoever is in-boundary. It's tough.