I meet a lot of moms, but no one wants to be my friend

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:realistically OP, lots of school moms don't have any true friendships with other moms. It's all surface for convenience, perception, etc. If you end up with 1 mom friend beyond acquaintanceship, you are lucky. But if you want to fast track your chances, be the convenient or helpful mom. Volunteer for stuff at school, offer playdates, including drop off ones. The moms who always expect a play date to be a 2-4 hour mom date can get to be a real drag. Smile. It will happen.

I think this is true. All moms are busy especially early elementary school with kids in activities and often also younger siblings still being a bit needy. I don’t have tons of mom friends but I feel like I’m growing my village a little bit finally. Putting out kindness and flexibility is really attractive. I recently went on a hike with my kids scout group and had a really nice chat with another mom. It was a great combination event.

The one thing that I have noticed that hasn’t been mentioned yet is so many women my age ( your age too!) are trying to get back in shape/ stay in shape with very little time. I’ve invited newer friends to do an exercise or exercise adjacent event with me several times if it comes up in conversation and that’s always been really appreciated. I have two friends where our regular meet ups some form of exercise and then coffee afterwards on a weekend morning. It’s super nice.

[Anonymous]

Coffee is NOT a bad idea. Some other moms who like going out for coffee may enjoy it. Keep in mind that some people do much better 1 on 1, so big groups are awkward for them. Hang in there. You eventually will find some moms who are facing similar life situations to yours and who want to get coffee. I know from experience.

[Anonymous]

Try to develop a consistent routine and you will become friends with other people who have that same routine. Like, Saturday afternoon at the pool. Sunday morning at the playground by the farmers market. Or whatever. The key is to cross paths often without having to plan it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to invest time before the coffee / drinks date. Join a committee, plan an event with a team, join a running or walking group that meets 1-3x a week. Then give it time. You are coming on too strong / desperate. The women I call friends are all people where I invested 12-20+ hours of face time on a shared project before moving on to personal socialization.

When I lived in Chicago, group guitar lessons at Old Town School of Music were a very popular adult hobby. It seemed like everyone was friends and I felt left out . . . Until half way through my 2nd session. After investing 10+ hours, people started asking me to drinks after class, which class I was signing up for next session, etc. After 3 sessions I started getting invited to birthday parties and weekend events.

this.

I'm an extroverted friendly person, and I have turned lots of people i've met on the school playground into friend. It started as many many many MANY hours of conversation on the playground, joking around and also finding common intellectual ground before becoming friends.

The ones who turned into friends --

with one, next step was exchanging numbers and texting funny/interesting things to each other. then suggesting books to each other and talking about books, then starting a book club.

With some others it was that our kids became good friends, which naturally led to playdates and that turned into friendship.

Others I clicked with we would find something weekly to do with kids -- like go to a weekly library storytime (when they were toddlers). this led naturally to a deeper friendship, and now that our kids are older we usually hang out, with kids, once a month.

Another mom I would talk to for literally 2 hours every day on the playground -- we had so much to talk about. When she moved away, we started sharing Wordle scores every morning -- 2/3 times a week this turns into a larger text conversation.

All that turns into coffees, having parties and inviting each other, etc. I agree that inviting someone out for coffee is actually kind of forward. You need to have rapport and a mutual sense of a friendship BEFORE coffee, otherwise it is awkward. I like the idea about about 20 hours of good casual conversation before moving onto the next stage (if the feeling is there.)

It sounds like everything revolves around the kids. That’s fine and I suppose makes sense since OP is wanting mom friends. But gosh I cringe at having to spend all of that time at a playground or arranging play dates. I wish it were easier to make friends who would be friends regardless of if we have kids or not.

New poster and older mom (kid is in college). The bold is a good point to think about, OP.

There are friends of proximity and friends with shared interests.

Friends of proximity are ones you make because, well, they happen to be in your same orbit: Other moms from your kids' schools, from your kids' activites, parents of neighbor kids with whom your kid plays because you simply happen to live near each other. Proximity and your kids are what bring you together. Those can become real friendships but most (not all, most) are going to fade as your kids go in different directions, to different schools, into different activities. Nothing wrong with that.

Friends with shared interests are ones you meet due to having something in common as adults besides just your children being the same age/stage/school/activity. Those are the ones folks are mentioning here, like the PP who took guitar lessons and found herself meeting her own, non-kid-centric, not-neighbor friends that way.

There is a LOT of emphasis, when kids are younger, on trying to make "mom friends" and feeling left out if there are no mom friends etc. But think of it this way: They're friends of proximity. And while that can be great -- I've had plenty of them over the years and some have turned into my own, adult friends -- these are not necessarily long-term, deeper friendships. Pursue a lot more friends of shared interest instead. And sure, DO keep seeing other moms from school or the neighborhood or activities, just in ways other than coffee dates. And don't feel like it's on you if they aren't reciprocating.

OP, if you feel you're too busy to make friends through non-kid-related activities, sit down and assess whether your DH and you can work schedules so you start doing things you want to do where you can meet people (And the gym usually isn't it -- everyone is focused on their own goals, getting their workout and heading out, etc.). It will take time but it can happen. Make it a genuine interest of yours, though, and not just something you do solely to meet people. By the way, volunteering at something you feel strongly about is another way to meet people who likely share your values and possibly some interests, while also just doing good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to invest time before the coffee / drinks date. Join a committee, plan an event with a team, join a running or walking group that meets 1-3x a week. Then give it time. You are coming on too strong / desperate. The women I call friends are all people where I invested 12-20+ hours of face time on a shared project before moving on to personal socialization.

When I lived in Chicago, group guitar lessons at Old Town School of Music were a very popular adult hobby. It seemed like everyone was friends and I felt left out . . . Until half way through my 2nd session. After investing 10+ hours, people started asking me to drinks after class, which class I was signing up for next session, etc. After 3 sessions I started getting invited to birthday parties and weekend events.

this.

I'm an extroverted friendly person, and I have turned lots of people i've met on the school playground into friend. It started as many many many MANY hours of conversation on the playground, joking around and also finding common intellectual ground before becoming friends.

The ones who turned into friends --

with one, next step was exchanging numbers and texting funny/interesting things to each other. then suggesting books to each other and talking about books, then starting a book club.

With some others it was that our kids became good friends, which naturally led to playdates and that turned into friendship.

Others I clicked with we would find something weekly to do with kids -- like go to a weekly library storytime (when they were toddlers). this led naturally to a deeper friendship, and now that our kids are older we usually hang out, with kids, once a month.

Another mom I would talk to for literally 2 hours every day on the playground -- we had so much to talk about. When she moved away, we started sharing Wordle scores every morning -- 2/3 times a week this turns into a larger text conversation.

All that turns into coffees, having parties and inviting each other, etc. I agree that inviting someone out for coffee is actually kind of forward. You need to have rapport and a mutual sense of a friendship BEFORE coffee, otherwise it is awkward. I like the idea about about 20 hours of good casual conversation before moving onto the next stage (if the feeling is there.)

It sounds like everything revolves around the kids. That’s fine and I suppose makes sense since OP is wanting mom friends. But gosh I cringe at having to spend all of that time at a playground or arranging play dates. I wish it were easier to make friends who would be friends regardless of if we have kids or not.

New poster and older mom (kid is in college). The bold is a good point to think about, OP.

There are friends of proximity and friends with shared interests.

Friends of proximity are ones you make because, well, they happen to be in your same orbit: Other moms from your kids' schools, from your kids' activites, parents of neighbor kids with whom your kid plays because you simply happen to live near each other. Proximity and your kids are what bring you together. Those can become real friendships but most (not all, most) are going to fade as your kids go in different directions, to different schools, into different activities. Nothing wrong with that.

Friends with shared interests are ones you meet due to having something in common as adults besides just your children being the same age/stage/school/activity. Those are the ones folks are mentioning here, like the PP who took guitar lessons and found herself meeting her own, non-kid-centric, not-neighbor friends that way.

There is a LOT of emphasis, when kids are younger, on trying to make "mom friends" and feeling left out if there are no mom friends etc. But think of it this way: They're friends of proximity. And while that can be great -- I've had plenty of them over the years and some have turned into my own, adult friends -- these are not necessarily long-term, deeper friendships. Pursue a lot more friends of shared interest instead. And sure, DO keep seeing other moms from school or the neighborhood or activities, just in ways other than coffee dates. And don't feel like it's on you if they aren't reciprocating.

OP, if you feel you're too busy to make friends through non-kid-related activities, sit down and assess whether your DH and you can work schedules so you start doing things you want to do where you can meet people (And the gym usually isn't it -- everyone is focused on their own goals, getting their workout and heading out, etc.). It will take time but it can happen. Make it a genuine interest of yours, though, and not just something you do solely to meet people. By the way, volunteering at something you feel strongly about is another way to meet people who likely share your values and possibly some interests, while also just doing good.

I have heard this before and disagree because most friendships begin thru proximity. College roommates we were randomly assigned to freshman year and others who lived in the hallway nearby or we happened to be in classes together. T
A big starting class of young people at first job right out of school etc. Some of these friendships were good for that period and then faded, others have become friends for decades on. Mom friends are the same way - there will be a funneling effect over time of which friends stick. But proximity is the norm even outside of mom friendships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to invest time before the coffee / drinks date. Join a committee, plan an event with a team, join a running or walking group that meets 1-3x a week. Then give it time. You are coming on too strong / desperate. The women I call friends are all people where I invested 12-20+ hours of face time on a shared project before moving on to personal socialization.

When I lived in Chicago, group guitar lessons at Old Town School of Music were a very popular adult hobby. It seemed like everyone was friends and I felt left out . . . Until half way through my 2nd session. After investing 10+ hours, people started asking me to drinks after class, which class I was signing up for next session, etc. After 3 sessions I started getting invited to birthday parties and weekend events.

this.

I'm an extroverted friendly person, and I have turned lots of people i've met on the school playground into friend. It started as many many many MANY hours of conversation on the playground, joking around and also finding common intellectual ground before becoming friends.

The ones who turned into friends --

with one, next step was exchanging numbers and texting funny/interesting things to each other. then suggesting books to each other and talking about books, then starting a book club.

With some others it was that our kids became good friends, which naturally led to playdates and that turned into friendship.

Others I clicked with we would find something weekly to do with kids -- like go to a weekly library storytime (when they were toddlers). this led naturally to a deeper friendship, and now that our kids are older we usually hang out, with kids, once a month.

Another mom I would talk to for literally 2 hours every day on the playground -- we had so much to talk about. When she moved away, we started sharing Wordle scores every morning -- 2/3 times a week this turns into a larger text conversation.

All that turns into coffees, having parties and inviting each other, etc. I agree that inviting someone out for coffee is actually kind of forward. You need to have rapport and a mutual sense of a friendship BEFORE coffee, otherwise it is awkward. I like the idea about about 20 hours of good casual conversation before moving onto the next stage (if the feeling is there.)

It sounds like everything revolves around the kids. That’s fine and I suppose makes sense since OP is wanting mom friends. But gosh I cringe at having to spend all of that time at a playground or arranging play dates. I wish it were easier to make friends who would be friends regardless of if we have kids or not.

New poster and older mom (kid is in college). The bold is a good point to think about, OP.

There are friends of proximity and friends with shared interests.

Friends of proximity are ones you make because, well, they happen to be in your same orbit: Other moms from your kids' schools, from your kids' activites, parents of neighbor kids with whom your kid plays because you simply happen to live near each other. Proximity and your kids are what bring you together. Those can become real friendships but most (not all, most) are going to fade as your kids go in different directions, to different schools, into different activities. Nothing wrong with that.

Friends with shared interests are ones you meet due to having something in common as adults besides just your children being the same age/stage/school/activity. Those are the ones folks are mentioning here, like the PP who took guitar lessons and found herself meeting her own, non-kid-centric, not-neighbor friends that way.

There is a LOT of emphasis, when kids are younger, on trying to make "mom friends" and feeling left out if there are no mom friends etc. But think of it this way: They're friends of proximity. And while that can be great -- I've had plenty of them over the years and some have turned into my own, adult friends -- these are not necessarily long-term, deeper friendships. Pursue a lot more friends of shared interest instead. And sure, DO keep seeing other moms from school or the neighborhood or activities, just in ways other than coffee dates. And don't feel like it's on you if they aren't reciprocating.

OP, if you feel you're too busy to make friends through non-kid-related activities, sit down and assess whether your DH and you can work schedules so you start doing things you want to do where you can meet people (And the gym usually isn't it -- everyone is focused on their own goals, getting their workout and heading out, etc.). It will take time but it can happen. Make it a genuine interest of yours, though, and not just something you do solely to meet people. By the way, volunteering at something you feel strongly about is another way to meet people who likely share your values and possibly some interests, while also just doing good.

I have heard this before and disagree because most friendships begin thru proximity. College roommates we were randomly assigned to freshman year and others who lived in the hallway nearby or we happened to be in classes together. T
A big starting class of young people at first job right out of school etc. Some of these friendships were good for that period and then faded, others have become friends for decades on. Mom friends are the same way - there will be a funneling effect over time of which friends stick. But proximity is the norm even outside of mom friendships.

Proximity is how we meet a lot of people initially. Those may be friendships which endure if there's more to them over time than just happening to live on the same street or happening to have kids the same age. But OP needs to get out and place herself in situations where she is meeting people who are not in natural proximity to her--the ones who are not neighbors, classmates' parents, parents at her kids' activities. Friendships aren't working for her with people in those orbits so it's time to look beyond proximity for those initial meetings. It takes more effort and more time but it's starting out with a shared interest to talk about rather than summer vacation plans or what's going on at the kids' school.

[Anonymous]

Activities. Sign your kids up for rec sports. Ideally the same leagues that classmates are in (ask around).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to invest time before the coffee / drinks date. Join a committee, plan an event with a team, join a running or walking group that meets 1-3x a week. Then give it time. You are coming on too strong / desperate. The women I call friends are all people where I invested 12-20+ hours of face time on a shared project before moving on to personal socialization.

When I lived in Chicago, group guitar lessons at Old Town School of Music were a very popular adult hobby. It seemed like everyone was friends and I felt left out . . . Until half way through my 2nd session. After investing 10+ hours, people started asking me to drinks after class, which class I was signing up for next session, etc. After 3 sessions I started getting invited to birthday parties and weekend events.

this.

I'm an extroverted friendly person, and I have turned lots of people i've met on the school playground into friend. It started as many many many MANY hours of conversation on the playground, joking around and also finding common intellectual ground before becoming friends.

The ones who turned into friends --

with one, next step was exchanging numbers and texting funny/interesting things to each other. then suggesting books to each other and talking about books, then starting a book club.

With some others it was that our kids became good friends, which naturally led to playdates and that turned into friendship.

Others I clicked with we would find something weekly to do with kids -- like go to a weekly library storytime (when they were toddlers). this led naturally to a deeper friendship, and now that our kids are older we usually hang out, with kids, once a month.

Another mom I would talk to for literally 2 hours every day on the playground -- we had so much to talk about. When she moved away, we started sharing Wordle scores every morning -- 2/3 times a week this turns into a larger text conversation.

All that turns into coffees, having parties and inviting each other, etc. I agree that inviting someone out for coffee is actually kind of forward. You need to have rapport and a mutual sense of a friendship BEFORE coffee, otherwise it is awkward. I like the idea about about 20 hours of good casual conversation before moving onto the next stage (if the feeling is there.)

It sounds like everything revolves around the kids. That’s fine and I suppose makes sense since OP is wanting mom friends. But gosh I cringe at having to spend all of that time at a playground or arranging play dates. I wish it were easier to make friends who would be friends regardless of if we have kids or not.

Most mom's like their kids and talk about their kids. If you want other types of friends join a cooking club or whatever you are interested in.

[Anonymous]

I feel most comfortable getting to know a person organically. So on the playground or when going on a walk, or while busy doing something where I’m working but can engage in conversation. In moments, where I have to sit right across from a new person or make direct eye contact with them for long periods of time I feel anxious and tend to feel like I’m being interviewed. Weird I know! However, there may be some moms out there like me. Once I get to know a person I can easily sit down with coffee and will chat their ears off. I think you need to meet for playdates on the playground if you can. A nice neutral spot. Having someone in your home too early can also scare people away.

[Anonymous]

Maybe they dislike your spouse.

[Anonymous]

Very rarely do I enjoy “ meeting up for coffee” I have a 10yoDD and do have mom friends I made when DD was a baby in a moms group. I work FT but do shift work so did activities during the week mostly. Now our kids are older so will walk/hike together for exercise while our kids are at school. It’s rare we do stuff in the weekends though. Maybe 3-4 times a year we do a cookout or similar at someone’s house with spouses and kids. If you work FT when are you wanting to see friends? Honestly I think this may be where you’re struggling. Evenings and weekends are hard for people.,

[Anonymous]

Are your kids in activities? Spending hours on a field together usually forces you to chat with others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Very rarely do I enjoy “ meeting up for coffee” I have a 10yoDD and do have mom friends I made when DD was a baby in a moms group. I work FT but do shift work so did activities during the week mostly. Now our kids are older so will walk/hike together for exercise while our kids are at school. It’s rare we do stuff in the weekends though. Maybe 3-4 times a year we do a cookout or similar at someone’s house with spouses and kids. If you work FT when are you wanting to see friends? Honestly I think this may be where you’re struggling. Evenings and weekends are hard for people.,

Agree. My evenings and weekends are sacred. We mustn’t hang out with our kids’ friends families because it’s easier. I would never accept a day meet up with just d as other mom during a weekend day. Maybe go out for drinks during the week?

[Anonymous]

What about your spouse? The only "mom friends" that have turned into real friends for me are because our husbands also get along. Then it easily turns into family outings, traveling together, double dates, etc. In honesty, it would be hard for me to maintain a really involved 1:1 friendship with a mom, with no other family involvement. I'm not saying this is a good thing, just that it's my reality.

[Anonymous]

Do you work in an office, OP? Have you made friends there? Do your kids go to public or private (just curious really, but also wondering if these people all live near you, and whether it's a big school or a small one)?

In my experience you need something to bond you . . . a love of [books/knitting/guitar/DisneyWorld/whatever], a political cause, religion, etc. You need something to talk about that you're both excited about.

Are there are any families that have siblings who are friends with both of your kids? It's always nice to hook up with a family where you can have both kids have a playmate. Then you can do family outings and maybe even vacations.

Also, something I've learned is to pay attention to who is pursuing YOU. Sometimes you can be so focused on your "targets" that you don't notice the people waiting in the wings who have you on their list of potential friends. There may be another working mom just waiting to commiserate with you over how unfriendly these other moms are!

I think the pool idea is a good one.

Also, now that the weather is getting nicer, I'd invite all of your targets to a backyard BBQ with kids included. Instead of trying so much one-on-one stuff, I'd keep doing group things for a bit until a bond develops more organically.