I meet a lot of moms, but no one wants to be my friend

[Anonymous]

I made friends through playdates with young kids, a walking group, and many many hours on soccer sidelines with people. I'd never invite someone I just met to a coffee although I'd probably go if invited.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a 40 year old married mom of two early elmentary school age kids. I want to make mom friends. I've tried everything, and nothing works. I've met a lot of moms, but none of them wants to be my friend. How it usually goes is I'll meet a mom at a PTA volunteer event, or at a family-friendly event, or at a meetup group, chat for a bit, invite them out for coffee, and we meet for coffee. The meetup usually goes well and then....crickets. I never hear from them again and when I reach out a few weeks later to follow up and see how they're doing, I usually don't hear back or they'll be polite but distant, making it clear they're not interested in a friendship.

I don't know what I'm doing wrong to be so unlikeable. I'm married (15 years), work full-time, have a really interesting career, am a good conversationalist, and try to get to know them/express interest. Most of the time they don't seem that interested in getting to know me. Like I'll ask, what are you guys doing this summer and they don't ask what we're doing, just blather on and on about their summer plans.

I work out at a small gym and that has not let to any friendships either. I am also in a hobby group and also have not made friends that way.

The moms of my kids' friends have made it clear they are not interested in a friendship--they will bring their kids over for playdates when I set them up, but have never invited us and don't stay to chat, they just drop off and leave, or send their husbands to drop off.

Where can I meet mom friends or just friends for me? My kids are in first and third grade.

I am chronically lonely and feel like no one likes me or wants to be my friend, and it really sucks.

Hi OP, I am in the same boat. I have people I chat with at the athletic activity that I do, and people I chat with in the neighborhood at school drop off and pick up, but nobody is texting me to say hi, or inviting me out for drinks. I have friends from college/post-college that I see a few times/year, and maybe another social event 1-2x/year comes up.

I don't have any suggestions, really. Its hard when you work full time to make friends with SAHMs, just because they are free during the day when you are at work. Its also hard to make friends with other working moms bc we are all working. I'm also not the type to force my kid to hang out at the playground longer than they want to just so that I can make mom friends.

My answer? I just keep working on myself and doing what I want to do with my family, and it will all work out in the end. Or I will die lonely. One of the two.

Ugh, we need to trade neighborhoods! Like where are all the SAHMs of young kids? Everyone seems to be working, or have kids that are way older than mine. I feel so lame meeting people through their nannies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the majority of UMC moms are uninterested in making friends. They are working and tending to their own families.

Agree. I also find that a lot of the suburban moms are actually from the area and have HS friends and family local that they hang out with — they are not looking to add new friends. And also a lot of moms only want new friends that come as a couple — the husbands have to get along as well because that’s how they do most social get-together. I wish there was some pin we could wear or something that designates we are looking for friends. I’ve spent a lot of time developing casual friendships with other moms, only to realize belatedly that they don’t really have space in their life for additional friends.

I've definitely found the bolded to be true. The Moms who grew up in this area and still have family that lives locally typically spends a lot of time with the extended family in the area, as well as a group of 2-3 close friends from back in the day, so for better or worse, they don't really have the bandwidth for cultivating new friendships. I've found that the parents who have close relationships with other parents are those who don't have family in the area, probably because they have more time and they have to rely on those other groups of friends more often.

I'm a working mom who grew up in this area. I am still close with my childhood BFF, but that's about it from when I was younger. My local family is fairly fragmented, as many families are. I also, despite working FT and having three kids, have made multiple close friends since I had kids. Neighbors, people I met working out, people I met through the kids' school or daycare (even if they kids don't stay close).

People who want friends and who are, themselves, good friends, prioritize keeping friends and making new ones. It's both as simple and as difficult as that.

+1 to the bolded. Anyone who says otherwise is just making excuses. Everyone needs friends, and if you keep putting in the effort, you will make some.

[Anonymous]

OP, how attractive are you? If you are pretty, you could work the angle of becoming friends with the Dads first, and then eventually befriending the Moms and letting it grow organically into couples friendships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are these moms not as successful as you? Meaning are you thin with an impressive career? I think a lot of women are very tribal and if you’re too impressive they are going to stay away. You need to meet other successful women.

Sure, Jan.

[Anonymous]

Try hugs and hugging. Not too long after a conversation begins, hug the person. The hug doesn't have to be "about" anything. It's a great way to connect with people. If it feels right you just say... I want us to be friends, how would you like that? #empath

[Anonymous]

If you're hot then you are perceived as a mate poaching threat. Not even hot. If you're not grossly obese you're a threat

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A coffee date is a lot of pressure for a new friendship. Try play dates. Casual, just meet at a park, or have dinner at a brewery or something like that. Take all the kids to a winery in the afternoon. Or have drinks at home or nearby after bedtime.

Meeting a new mom friend for coffee would feel like an interview.

Agree. I’ve made a lot of mom friends over the year, but it takes a while to get to 1:1 get togethers.

Start with family friendly stuff where they can bring their kids. We like to host cookouts. Also, plan group things. Text several moms who are all friendly with each other and suggest a kid free brunch or dinner. Having multiple people will keep things fun. Or throw together a monthly book club.

I’ll add that I’ve made a lot of my mom friends through youth sports. I’ve spent A LOT of time on the sidelines of practices and sports games over the years, which is good for chatting to other parents. Also, we are always happy to offer a ride to other kids in a pinch and try to help other moms out where I can.

[Anonymous]

You might have more time for friendship than others with kids and marriages and jobs (I’m gathering from the coffees and the gym). Have you tried throwing a life raft to anyone in your circle who is struggling? I’m struggling, and I would befriend anyone halfway decent who helped me right now! I am going through a health crisis and have a an autistic child. Life is hard. I can’t have coffee. But if I’m somewhat friendly with a mom from school and she’s really KIND to me and then offers to be a back up babysitter if I need to go to the ER? Done. She’s my best friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Try hugs and hugging. Not too long after a conversation begins, hug the person. The hug doesn't have to be "about" anything. It's a great way to connect with people. If it feels right you just say... I want us to be friends, how would you like that? #empath

Um. No. That’s super creepy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a 40 year old married mom of two early elmentary school age kids. I want to make mom friends. I've tried everything, and nothing works. I've met a lot of moms, but none of them wants to be my friend. How it usually goes is I'll meet a mom at a PTA volunteer event, or at a family-friendly event, or at a meetup group, chat for a bit, invite them out for coffee, and we meet for coffee. The meetup usually goes well and then....crickets. I never hear from them again and when I reach out a few weeks later to follow up and see how they're doing, I usually don't hear back or they'll be polite but distant, making it clear they're not interested in a friendship.

I don't know what I'm doing wrong to be so unlikeable. I'm married (15 years), work full-time, have a really interesting career, am a good conversationalist, and try to get to know them/express interest. Most of the time they don't seem that interested in getting to know me. Like I'll ask, what are you guys doing this summer and they don't ask what we're doing, just blather on and on about their summer plans.

I work out at a small gym and that has not let to any friendships either. I am also in a hobby group and also have not made friends that way.

The moms of my kids' friends have made it clear they are not interested in a friendship--they will bring their kids over for playdates when I set them up, but have never invited us and don't stay to chat, they just drop off and leave, or send their husbands to drop off.

Where can I meet mom friends or just friends for me? My kids are in first and third grade.

I am chronically lonely and feel like no one likes me or wants to be my friend, and it really sucks.

Hi OP, I am in the same boat. I have people I chat with at the athletic activity that I do, and people I chat with in the neighborhood at school drop off and pick up, but nobody is texting me to say hi, or inviting me out for drinks. I have friends from college/post-college that I see a few times/year, and maybe another social event 1-2x/year comes up.

I don't have any suggestions, really. Its hard when you work full time to make friends with SAHMs, just because they are free during the day when you are at work. Its also hard to make friends with other working moms bc we are all working. I'm also not the type to force my kid to hang out at the playground longer than they want to just so that I can make mom friends.

My answer? I just keep working on myself and doing what I want to do with my family, and it will all work out in the end. Or I will die lonely. One of the two.

Ugh, we need to trade neighborhoods! Like where are all the SAHMs of young kids? Everyone seems to be working, or have kids that are way older than mine. I feel so lame meeting people through their nannies.

Same here. I’m a SAHM and I never meet other SAHMs. It sucks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Try hugs and hugging. Not too long after a conversation begins, hug the person. The hug doesn't have to be "about" anything. It's a great way to connect with people. If it feels right you just say... I want us to be friends, how would you like that? #empath

Um. No. That’s super creepy.

Hugging is not mugging. Friendships are fun. When you say "I want us to be friends, how would you like that?" you are inviting them to join in the fun.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a 40 year old married mom of two early elmentary school age kids. I want to make mom friends. I've tried everything, and nothing works. I've met a lot of moms, but none of them wants to be my friend. How it usually goes is I'll meet a mom at a PTA volunteer event, or at a family-friendly event, or at a meetup group, chat for a bit, invite them out for coffee, and we meet for coffee. The meetup usually goes well and then....crickets. I never hear from them again and when I reach out a few weeks later to follow up and see how they're doing, I usually don't hear back or they'll be polite but distant, making it clear they're not interested in a friendship.

I don't know what I'm doing wrong to be so unlikeable. I'm married (15 years), work full-time, have a really interesting career, am a good conversationalist, and try to get to know them/express interest. Most of the time they don't seem that interested in getting to know me. Like I'll ask, what are you guys doing this summer and they don't ask what we're doing, just blather on and on about their summer plans.

I work out at a small gym and that has not let to any friendships either. I am also in a hobby group and also have not made friends that way.

The moms of my kids' friends have made it clear they are not interested in a friendship--they will bring their kids over for playdates when I set them up, but have never invited us and don't stay to chat, they just drop off and leave, or send their husbands to drop off.

Where can I meet mom friends or just friends for me? My kids are in first and third grade.

I am chronically lonely and feel like no one likes me or wants to be my friend, and it really sucks.

Hi OP, I am in the same boat. I have people I chat with at the athletic activity that I do, and people I chat with in the neighborhood at school drop off and pick up, but nobody is texting me to say hi, or inviting me out for drinks. I have friends from college/post-college that I see a few times/year, and maybe another social event 1-2x/year comes up.

I don't have any suggestions, really. Its hard when you work full time to make friends with SAHMs, just because they are free during the day when you are at work. Its also hard to make friends with other working moms bc we are all working. I'm also not the type to force my kid to hang out at the playground longer than they want to just so that I can make mom friends.

My answer? I just keep working on myself and doing what I want to do with my family, and it will all work out in the end. Or I will die lonely. One of the two.

Ugh, we need to trade neighborhoods! Like where are all the SAHMs of young kids? Everyone seems to be working, or have kids that are way older than mine. I feel so lame meeting people through their nannies.

Same here. I’m a SAHM and I never meet other SAHMs. It sucks.

+2 This is very true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Try hugs and hugging. Not too long after a conversation begins, hug the person. The hug doesn't have to be "about" anything. It's a great way to connect with people. If it feels right you just say... I want us to be friends, how would you like that? #empath

Um. No. That’s super creepy.

Hugging is not mugging. Friendships are fun. When you say "I want us to be friends, how would you like that?" you are inviting them to join in the fun.

I agree with PP. I’d be really uncomfortable if someone I’d just started to talk with was hugging me and talking about being friends. I’d be happy to get to know her and be her friend, but it’s a gradual process that can’t be shortcutted. Hugs are for family and a few friends who I’m emotionally connected. Most of my friends I’ll probably never hug. The physical contact of a hug with someone you’re emotionally connected to is great, without the connection, it would feel like a mugging.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Try hugs and hugging. Not too long after a conversation begins, hug the person. The hug doesn't have to be "about" anything. It's a great way to connect with people. If it feels right you just say... I want us to be friends, how would you like that? #empath

Um. No. That’s super creepy.

Hugging is not mugging. Friendships are fun. When you say "I want us to be friends, how would you like that?" you are inviting them to join in the fun.

I agree with PP. I’d be really uncomfortable if someone I’d just started to talk with was hugging me and talking about being friends. I’d be happy to get to know her and be her friend, but it’s a gradual process that can’t be shortcutted. Hugs are for family and a few friends who I’m emotionally connected. Most of my friends I’ll probably never hug. The physical contact of a hug with someone you’re emotionally connected to is great, without the connection, it would feel like a mugging.

If OP is not comfortable with hugging on a just-because basis, she could try a hug rug. It’s a small portable rug, even a beach towel can work, that you put on the floor anytime you’re around potential new friends. If they step on it, you give them a hug and say, in an inside voice, I’d Like For Us To Be Friends, How Would You Like That?