I meet a lot of moms, but no one wants to be my friend

[Anonymous]

You need to invest time before the coffee / drinks date. Join a committee, plan an event with a team, join a running or walking group that meets 1-3x a week. Then give it time. You are coming on too strong / desperate. The women I call friends are all people where I invested 12-20+ hours of face time on a shared project before moving on to personal socialization.

When I lived in Chicago, group guitar lessons at Old Town School of Music were a very popular adult hobby. It seemed like everyone was friends and I felt left out . . . Until half way through my 2nd session. After investing 10+ hours, people started asking me to drinks after class, which class I was signing up for next session, etc. After 3 sessions I started getting invited to birthday parties and weekend events.

[Anonymous]

Inviting for coffee is like an awkward date. It's weird. You're just going about things inorganically. What you do is you invite kids for playdates and hope that in the moments you see their moms, over time you chat, click, you start randomly texting each other, and a friendship accidentally forms organically.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to invest time before the coffee / drinks date. Join a committee, plan an event with a team, join a running or walking group that meets 1-3x a week. Then give it time. You are coming on too strong / desperate. The women I call friends are all people where I invested 12-20+ hours of face time on a shared project before moving on to personal socialization.

When I lived in Chicago, group guitar lessons at Old Town School of Music were a very popular adult hobby. It seemed like everyone was friends and I felt left out . . . Until half way through my 2nd session. After investing 10+ hours, people started asking me to drinks after class, which class I was signing up for next session, etc. After 3 sessions I started getting invited to birthday parties and weekend events.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Inviting for coffee is like an awkward date. It's weird. You're just going about things inorganically. What you do is you invite kids for playdates and hope that in the moments you see their moms, over time you chat, click, you start randomly texting each other, and a friendship accidentally forms organically.

+1 or if you collect anything invite them to check out your collection. I collect flashlights, for example, and people always find in interesting to see them. You just have to go with that flow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Inviting for coffee is like an awkward date. It's weird. You're just going about things inorganically. What you do is you invite kids for playdates and hope that in the moments you see their moms, over time you chat, click, you start randomly texting each other, and a friendship accidentally forms organically.

+1 or if you collect anything invite them to check out your collection. I collect flashlights, for example, and people always find in interesting to see them. You just have to go with that flow.

Are you joking?

[Anonymous]

OP - I'm one of those moms. And it's not you I promise. We are TIRED. That is all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Inviting for coffee is like an awkward date. It's weird. You're just going about things inorganically. What you do is you invite kids for playdates and hope that in the moments you see their moms, over time you chat, click, you start randomly texting each other, and a friendship accidentally forms organically.

I think you are spot on...and probably the reason I have almost no friends since becoming a mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to invest time before the coffee / drinks date. Join a committee, plan an event with a team, join a running or walking group that meets 1-3x a week. Then give it time. You are coming on too strong / desperate. The women I call friends are all people where I invested 12-20+ hours of face time on a shared project before moving on to personal socialization.

When I lived in Chicago, group guitar lessons at Old Town School of Music were a very popular adult hobby. It seemed like everyone was friends and I felt left out . . . Until half way through my 2nd session. After investing 10+ hours, people started asking me to drinks after class, which class I was signing up for next session, etc. After 3 sessions I started getting invited to birthday parties and weekend events.

this.

I'm an extroverted friendly person, and I have turned lots of people i've met on the school playground into friend. It started as many many many MANY hours of conversation on the playground, joking around and also finding common intellectual ground before becoming friends.

The ones who turned into friends --

with one, next step was exchanging numbers and texting funny/interesting things to each other. then suggesting books to each other and talking about books, then starting a book club.

With some others it was that our kids became good friends, which naturally led to playdates and that turned into friendship.

Others I clicked with we would find something weekly to do with kids -- like go to a weekly library storytime (when they were toddlers). this led naturally to a deeper friendship, and now that our kids are older we usually hang out, with kids, once a month.

Another mom I would talk to for literally 2 hours every day on the playground -- we had so much to talk about. When she moved away, we started sharing Wordle scores every morning -- 2/3 times a week this turns into a larger text conversation.

All that turns into coffees, having parties and inviting each other, etc. I agree that inviting someone out for coffee is actually kind of forward. You need to have rapport and a mutual sense of a friendship BEFORE coffee, otherwise it is awkward. I like the idea about about 20 hours of good casual conversation before moving onto the next stage (if the feeling is there.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Inviting for coffee is like an awkward date. It's weird. You're just going about things inorganically. What you do is you invite kids for playdates and hope that in the moments you see their moms, over time you chat, click, you start randomly texting each other, and a friendship accidentally forms organically.

+1 or if you collect anything invite them to check out your collection. I collect flashlights, for example, and people always find in interesting to see them. You just have to go with that flow.

Are you joking?

Why? Flashlights are a lot of fun. Who has a problem with them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to invest time before the coffee / drinks date. Join a committee, plan an event with a team, join a running or walking group that meets 1-3x a week. Then give it time. You are coming on too strong / desperate. The women I call friends are all people where I invested 12-20+ hours of face time on a shared project before moving on to personal socialization.

When I lived in Chicago, group guitar lessons at Old Town School of Music were a very popular adult hobby. It seemed like everyone was friends and I felt left out . . . Until half way through my 2nd session. After investing 10+ hours, people started asking me to drinks after class, which class I was signing up for next session, etc. After 3 sessions I started getting invited to birthday parties and weekend events.

this.

I'm an extroverted friendly person, and I have turned lots of people i've met on the school playground into friend. It started as many many many MANY hours of conversation on the playground, joking around and also finding common intellectual ground before becoming friends.

The ones who turned into friends --

with one, next step was exchanging numbers and texting funny/interesting things to each other. then suggesting books to each other and talking about books, then starting a book club.

With some others it was that our kids became good friends, which naturally led to playdates and that turned into friendship.

Others I clicked with we would find something weekly to do with kids -- like go to a weekly library storytime (when they were toddlers). this led naturally to a deeper friendship, and now that our kids are older we usually hang out, with kids, once a month.

Another mom I would talk to for literally 2 hours every day on the playground -- we had so much to talk about. When she moved away, we started sharing Wordle scores every morning -- 2/3 times a week this turns into a larger text conversation.

All that turns into coffees, having parties and inviting each other, etc. I agree that inviting someone out for coffee is actually kind of forward. You need to have rapport and a mutual sense of a friendship BEFORE coffee, otherwise it is awkward. I like the idea about about 20 hours of good casual conversation before moving onto the next stage (if the feeling is there.)

It sounds like everything revolves around the kids. That’s fine and I suppose makes sense since OP is wanting mom friends. But gosh I cringe at having to spend all of that time at a playground or arranging play dates. I wish it were easier to make friends who would be friends regardless of if we have kids or not.

[Anonymous]

When my kids were in elementary there wasn't any reason for the other parent to be present at playdates. I don't expect to host another adult and I wouldn't put that on another adult either if they were hosting my child.
My kids are in high school now. I have some solid mom friends but they were slow to develop. Just like college, the friendships that last are the ones that grew with you without expectations. One is from preschool days and I swear we never had time to develop a friendship until the kids were more independent. What's funny is that the kids were tight in preschool but as they are different genders they are wary of each other in high school now whereas his mom and I love to get together to run and gossip about school. Another mom from elementary school - our kids weren't friends then but our orbits continued the same direction and the friendship slowly developed. When she was going thru her divorce, I was her friend thru it. Our kids have become friends too. Another mom friend from preschool as well and we support each other in our career expansion and fervently hope our boys will be friends again because they did have a great friendship. A couple of mom friends from before we had children are in the mix.
That said, I get together with each one maybe about once a month sometimes longer. We are all busy, so we either meet up for a run, meet for lunch during the workday if in proximity. A dinner party is a serious effort but sometimes we manage that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to invest time before the coffee / drinks date. Join a committee, plan an event with a team, join a running or walking group that meets 1-3x a week. Then give it time. You are coming on too strong / desperate. The women I call friends are all people where I invested 12-20+ hours of face time on a shared project before moving on to personal socialization.

When I lived in Chicago, group guitar lessons at Old Town School of Music were a very popular adult hobby. It seemed like everyone was friends and I felt left out . . . Until half way through my 2nd session. After investing 10+ hours, people started asking me to drinks after class, which class I was signing up for next session, etc. After 3 sessions I started getting invited to birthday parties and weekend events.

this.

I'm an extroverted friendly person, and I have turned lots of people i've met on the school playground into friend. It started as many many many MANY hours of conversation on the playground, joking around and also finding common intellectual ground before becoming friends.

The ones who turned into friends --

with one, next step was exchanging numbers and texting funny/interesting things to each other. then suggesting books to each other and talking about books, then starting a book club.

With some others it was that our kids became good friends, which naturally led to playdates and that turned into friendship.

Others I clicked with we would find something weekly to do with kids -- like go to a weekly library storytime (when they were toddlers). this led naturally to a deeper friendship, and now that our kids are older we usually hang out, with kids, once a month.

Another mom I would talk to for literally 2 hours every day on the playground -- we had so much to talk about. When she moved away, we started sharing Wordle scores every morning -- 2/3 times a week this turns into a larger text conversation.

All that turns into coffees, having parties and inviting each other, etc. I agree that inviting someone out for coffee is actually kind of forward. You need to have rapport and a mutual sense of a friendship BEFORE coffee, otherwise it is awkward. I like the idea about about 20 hours of good casual conversation before moving onto the next stage (if the feeling is there.)

It sounds like everything revolves around the kids. That’s fine and I suppose makes sense since OP is wanting mom friends. But gosh I cringe at having to spend all of that time at a playground or arranging play dates. I wish it were easier to make friends who would be friends regardless of if we have kids or not.

19:14 here--yes this is sooooo boring to me....so i really question putting in the effort for so little benefit...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to invest time before the coffee / drinks date. Join a committee, plan an event with a team, join a running or walking group that meets 1-3x a week. Then give it time. You are coming on too strong / desperate. The women I call friends are all people where I invested 12-20+ hours of face time on a shared project before moving on to personal socialization.

When I lived in Chicago, group guitar lessons at Old Town School of Music were a very popular adult hobby. It seemed like everyone was friends and I felt left out . . . Until half way through my 2nd session. After investing 10+ hours, people started asking me to drinks after class, which class I was signing up for next session, etc. After 3 sessions I started getting invited to birthday parties and weekend events.

This.

I’m the poster who wrote the post above. I want to add that it can also be 12+ hours in group settings. Sideline chats, moms group meetups, sitting together at PTA meetings. Then instead of a stand-alone outing, make your invite tied to the shared activity. “Do you want to grab a drink after PTA?” “Do you want to walk over to the coffee shop and grab a drink to-go while the girls are in dance class?”

The other failsafe option is to invite people last minute or to a set event. “There is a moms club happy hour on Thursday, want to go with me?” Or a group text “any one want to meet up for wine in my backyard tomorrow- forecast looks great”. If they say yes, great. If they say no, they have a plausible excuse that they have plans / are busy and you can pretend it’s not a rejection of you, it’s just bad timing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to invest time before the coffee / drinks date. Join a committee, plan an event with a team, join a running or walking group that meets 1-3x a week. Then give it time. You are coming on too strong / desperate. The women I call friends are all people where I invested 12-20+ hours of face time on a shared project before moving on to personal socialization.

When I lived in Chicago, group guitar lessons at Old Town School of Music were a very popular adult hobby. It seemed like everyone was friends and I felt left out . . . Until half way through my 2nd session. After investing 10+ hours, people started asking me to drinks after class, which class I was signing up for next session, etc. After 3 sessions I started getting invited to birthday parties and weekend events.

this.

I'm an extroverted friendly person, and I have turned lots of people i've met on the school playground into friend. It started as many many many MANY hours of conversation on the playground, joking around and also finding common intellectual ground before becoming friends.

The ones who turned into friends --

with one, next step was exchanging numbers and texting funny/interesting things to each other. then suggesting books to each other and talking about books, then starting a book club.

With some others it was that our kids became good friends, which naturally led to playdates and that turned into friendship.

Others I clicked with we would find something weekly to do with kids -- like go to a weekly library storytime (when they were toddlers). this led naturally to a deeper friendship, and now that our kids are older we usually hang out, with kids, once a month.

Another mom I would talk to for literally 2 hours every day on the playground -- we had so much to talk about. When she moved away, we started sharing Wordle scores every morning -- 2/3 times a week this turns into a larger text conversation.

All that turns into coffees, having parties and inviting each other, etc. I agree that inviting someone out for coffee is actually kind of forward. You need to have rapport and a mutual sense of a friendship BEFORE coffee, otherwise it is awkward. I like the idea about about 20 hours of good casual conversation before moving onto the next stage (if the feeling is there.)

It sounds like everything revolves around the kids. That’s fine and I suppose makes sense since OP is wanting mom friends. But gosh I cringe at having to spend all of that time at a playground or arranging play dates. I wish it were easier to make friends who would be friends regardless of if we have kids or not.

19:14 here--yes this is sooooo boring to me....so i really question putting in the effort for so little benefit...

I am in a similar situation and have just accepted I won’t have friends for a number of years. I had plenty of friends in college, 20s, pre-kids etc. deep down I’m not that interested in kids or a life that revolves around kids. I look forward to the next stage of life where kids are all gone and people our age can no longer revolve their lives around children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to invest time before the coffee / drinks date. Join a committee, plan an event with a team, join a running or walking group that meets 1-3x a week. Then give it time. You are coming on too strong / desperate. The women I call friends are all people where I invested 12-20+ hours of face time on a shared project before moving on to personal socialization.

When I lived in Chicago, group guitar lessons at Old Town School of Music were a very popular adult hobby. It seemed like everyone was friends and I felt left out . . . Until half way through my 2nd session. After investing 10+ hours, people started asking me to drinks after class, which class I was signing up for next session, etc. After 3 sessions I started getting invited to birthday parties and weekend events.

This.

I’m the poster who wrote the post above. I want to add that it can also be 12+ hours in group settings. Sideline chats, moms group meetups, sitting together at PTA meetings. Then instead of a stand-alone outing, make your invite tied to the shared activity. “Do you want to grab a drink after PTA?” “Do you want to walk over to the coffee shop and grab a drink to-go while the girls are in dance class?”

The other failsafe option is to invite people last minute or to a set event. “There is a moms club happy hour on Thursday, want to go with me?” Or a group text “any one want to meet up for wine in my backyard tomorrow- forecast looks great”. If they say yes, great. If they say no, they have a plausible excuse that they have plans / are busy and you can pretend it’s not a rejection of you, it’s just bad timing.

+1. Most people I know with early elementary kids are kind, but overwhelmed. Make it easy.