Getting Divorced. People Say “I’m sorry.” Why?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So what DO you say? Especially if you’re not close enough to say “I’m here if you need anything” or anything like that?

"Let me know if I can help with anything" is a universal thing to say in any situation. People should say that if they mean it. Or, say, "Good to know. Hope everything goes smoothly" or something like that. Not "I'm sorry" to a woman when most likely, she is the one who initiated it after years of trying to figure out what to do...the last thing she wants to hear is "I'm sorry" because it can cause people to yet again second guess a decision that might have been hard to make because of social judgment. The term "I'm sorry" just reinforces the judgment. 70% of divorces are initiated by women. They don't want to hear "I'm sorry." The don't want a sentiment of pity when they are being brave.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Because at some point, you loved him enough to marry him. Perhaps you made a big mistake; that is reason enough to say "I'm sorry."

A divorce is never pain/ hassle/ cost-free, no matter how much you want it, that's another reason to say "I'm sorry."

And if there are children involved, you have wrecked their lives. That's what most of us are expressing sorrow for.

This is so untrue.

You know what wrecks lives? People staying in a bad marriage and modeling that behavior for their kids so when they grow up to be adults they too end up in a miserable marriage and think they have to suffer through life.

My kids say they are confused why people say "sorry" when they find out their parents are divorced. My kids' response to other kids is this: "Obviously, you don't want our parents to get divorced, but really it is not bad at all."

My kids are great.

I hardly speak to my still married parents with whom I had to endure growing up in a toxic environment with constant tension and fighting and who taught me to accept bad behavior from men that made me end up in a bad marriage myself. At 40, I stopped caring and started the divorce process. I am 100 times better off than being married...and so are my kids.

Maybe their friends are saying sorry because they endured a toxic relationship in their parents and now don’t have a model of a healthy relationship to aspire towards as they grow up.

My kids are 8 and 11 years old. Their friends are saying sorry because they are taught by judgmental people that all divorces must be horrible awful events. It is nonsense.

It is the failure of a plan and a promise, any way you slice it. Failure is human, and it can even be for the best. But the natural response to a failed plan, promise, hope, or wish is “I’m sorry”—as in I’m sorry you didn’t get out of the experience what you wanted or intended.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So what DO you say? Especially if you’re not close enough to say “I’m here if you need anything” or anything like that?

"Let me know if I can help with anything" is a universal thing to say in any situation. People should say that if they mean it. Or, say, "Good to know. Hope everything goes smoothly" or something like that. Not "I'm sorry" to a woman when most likely, she is the one who initiated it after years of trying to figure out what to do...the last thing she wants to hear is "I'm sorry" because it can cause people to yet again second guess a decision that might have been hard to make because of social judgment. The term "I'm sorry" just reinforces the judgment. 70% of divorces are initiated by women. They don't want to hear "I'm sorry." The don't want a sentiment of pity when they are being brave.

Ok well im not going to say “let me know if I can help with anything” because I usually don’t mean it and I think it sounds condescending if they haven’t asked for help or looked like they needed help. And I’m not going to say “oh, ok” because that’s dismissive and awkward. Im going to say “oh, im sorry to hear that, I didn’t know” and then initiate a quick change of subject unless the person opens up to talk more. That’s it. Sorry (haha)

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Because no matter what reason, it's a pain to go through the divorce process, no?

If you don't anyone to feel sorry for you, just indicate that it's the best decision for you. If someone tells me they're getting divorced without adding some qualifier or extra tidbit like that, I'd say sorry too.

No, it does not have to be a pain. I felt that divorce was easy. The marriage was horrible.

I hate it when people say this. It is astonishing they don't realize 1 person wanted the divorce and is far from sorry.

I say: "I'm not sorry. Why are you?" It shuts this crap right down.

That’s a pretty hostile response to someone just trying to be nice. Yikes. I bet it sure does shut them right down. Why be so abrasive to someone who hasn’t done anything other than try to be nice?

I don't think it is "nice" to say "I'm sorry."

“Something just happened in my life that is widely known to be the greatest stressor one can have in their lives, which is the end of my marriage which I , theoretically, hoped would be a happy one.”
“Oh, I had no idea, I’m sorry to hear that”
“That’s not nice to say why why on earth are you sorry?”

Yeah, you’re totally in the right here.

I don't advertise I am divorced. When people realize that and come up to me and say "I'm sorry" that is completely rude. They should say nothing.
It is completely presumptuous. If people had a happy marriage, they would not divorce. I think congratluations is a far better thing to say in most cases, but people should never say "I'm sorry" to a woman. 70% of people who initiate a divorce are not sorry. They should be congratulated on getting the eff out.

People should not comment.

They should just say "oh, okay" or "good to know" or say nothing. "I'm sorry" actually makes me really mad.

You should probably work with a therapist on why an innocuous, socially acceptable comment makes you so triggered. I am aware that you’ll take huge offense to this but I actually mean it seriously/ kindly. Have a nice holiday weekend.

I don't need a therapist. People need to stop the judgment and assumptions about divorce.

Look: either the person I'm talking to thought they had a decent marriage and is getting divorced when they don't want to, in which case I'm sorry for that, or they had a sh!tty marriage that they're finally leaving, in which case I'm sorry they had to go through the sh!tty marriage, or they're getting divorced because it's a fine marriage but they fell out of love with their spouse (or in love with someone else) in which case the divorce itself is still an uncomfortable process, in which case I'm sorry about the uncomfortable process. If there's a divorce happening, then some part of the process - either the preceding marriage or the divorce process itself - sucks, and that's what I'm sorry about.

If, however, you had a lovely marriage and and one day, you and your spouse happily wake up and mutually decide to get a divorce and you're finding the whole process exceedingly pleasant, then please let me know and I'll retract my "I'm sorry."

[Anonymous]

I supposed we are all supposed to be mind readers and know that you are happy that your marriage is over. Maybe put that on your social media so we know what not to say to you.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because no matter what reason, it's a pain to go through the divorce process, no?

If you don't anyone to feel sorry for you, just indicate that it's the best decision for you. If someone tells me they're getting divorced without adding some qualifier or extra tidbit like that, I'd say sorry too.

No, it does not have to be a pain. I felt that divorce was easy. The marriage was horrible.

I hate it when people say this. It is astonishing they don't realize 1 person wanted the divorce and is far from sorry.

I say: "I'm not sorry. Why are you?" It shuts this crap right down.

That’s a pretty hostile response to someone just trying to be nice. Yikes. I bet it sure does shut them right down. Why be so abrasive to someone who hasn’t done anything other than try to be nice?

I don't think it is "nice" to say "I'm sorry."

“Something just happened in my life that is widely known to be the greatest stressor one can have in their lives, which is the end of my marriage which I , theoretically, hoped would be a happy one.”
“Oh, I had no idea, I’m sorry to hear that”
“That’s not nice to say why why on earth are you sorry?”

Yeah, you’re totally in the right here.

I don't advertise I am divorced. When people realize that and come up to me and say "I'm sorry" that is completely rude. They should say nothing.
It is completely presumptuous. If people had a happy marriage, they would not divorce. I think congratluations is a far better thing to say in most cases, but people should never say "I'm sorry" to a woman. 70% of people who initiate a divorce are not sorry. They should be congratulated on getting the eff out.

People should not comment.

They should just say "oh, okay" or "good to know" or say nothing. "I'm sorry" actually makes me really mad.

You should probably work with a therapist on why an innocuous, socially acceptable comment makes you so triggered. I am aware that you’ll take huge offense to this but I actually mean it seriously/ kindly. Have a nice holiday weekend.

I don't need a therapist. People need to stop the judgment and assumptions about divorce.

Look: either the person I'm talking to thought they had a decent marriage and is getting divorced when they don't want to, in which case I'm sorry for that, or they had a sh!tty marriage that they're finally leaving, in which case I'm sorry they had to go through the sh!tty marriage, or they're getting divorced because it's a fine marriage but they fell out of love with their spouse (or in love with someone else) in which case the divorce itself is still an uncomfortable process, in which case I'm sorry about the uncomfortable process. If there's a divorce happening, then some part of the process - either the preceding marriage or the divorce process itself - sucks, and that's what I'm sorry about.

If, however, you had a lovely marriage and and one day, you and your spouse happily wake up and mutually decide to get a divorce and you're finding the whole process exceedingly pleasant, then please let me know and I'll retract my "I'm sorry."

The divorce process is not hard. People make it hard on themselves.

"Oh, I didn't know" is a far better thing to say than "I'm sorry."

[Anonymous]

You defensive divorced people are really something else. We were there, people! We were there at your wedding and heard your vows. You asked for our support, and we gave it. Good for you for getting out if divorce was for the best, and good for your kids if that is really for the best for them. But don’t act like that wasn’t you up there making vows and inviting us to witness them and celebrate you. Good for your future, but don’t try to gaslight us that the past didn’t happen.

[Anonymous]

This is a crazy discussion. I’m sorry is simply an acceptable thing to say for so many reasons all listed above. OP you sound like you have zero social skills or ability to feel emotion. Stop telling people about your personal business if you can’t handle a simple polite answer.

[Anonymous]

I was the same. I said don’t be sorry, it’s a good thing for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because at some point, you loved him enough to marry him. Perhaps you made a big mistake; that is reason enough to say "I'm sorry."

A divorce is never pain/ hassle/ cost-free, no matter how much you want it, that's another reason to say "I'm sorry."

And if there are children involved, you have wrecked their lives. That's what most of us are expressing sorrow for.

This is so untrue.

You know what wrecks lives? People staying in a bad marriage and modeling that behavior for their kids so when they grow up to be adults they too end up in a miserable marriage and think they have to suffer through life.

My kids say they are confused why people say "sorry" when they find out their parents are divorced. My kids' response to other kids is this: "Obviously, you don't want our parents to get divorced, but really it is not bad at all."

My kids are great.

I hardly speak to my still married parents with whom I had to endure growing up in a toxic environment with constant tension and fighting and who taught me to accept bad behavior from men that made me end up in a bad marriage myself. At 40, I stopped caring and started the divorce process. I am 100 times better off than being married...and so are my kids.

Maybe their friends are saying sorry because they endured a toxic relationship in their parents and now don’t have a model of a healthy relationship to aspire towards as they grow up.

My kids are 8 and 11 years old. Their friends are saying sorry because they are taught by judgmental people that all divorces must be horrible awful events. It is nonsense.

Even if a divorce is not horrible and awful, it is not a happy event, and therefore it is totally appropriate to say "I'm sorry".

And that leaves aside the fact that a divorce that doesn't seem horrible and awful to you (an adult) could very easily seem terrible to a child, and furthermore, another child who hears about a divorce is naturally going to think, "how would I feel if my parents got divorced? terrible!" and saying "I'm sorry" is an empathetic response.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m getting divorced. When I tell people this they say, “I’m so sorry.” But honestly, I don’t feel bad. This is the best decision I have made since marrying my STBX. My life is going to be so much more peaceful than it has been in years. No more putting up with narcissistic/borderline abuse. Just want it done. I don’t anyone to feel sorry for me. Why do people say they that?

People assume you did due diligence and picked a good partner, both worked on partnership and were happy (may be you actually looked or pretended happy), divorce usually stems from unhappiness and conflicts, decision and process of divorcing is complex, most people feel sad about failure of the relationship even if it doesn't work out. Its usually emotionally difficult for families as well, specially your kids and parents.

That being said, may be one should give best wishes for future, instead of giving sympathy for what's done and over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was the same. I said don’t be sorry, it’s a good thing for me.

Totally fine- different from OP who says she says “why are you sorry?” And gets “incredibly mad”.

[Anonymous]

I never know what to say! I usually say "I'm sorry to hear that. Let me know what I can do to help" I've had some friends sob as they tell me and others plan a huge divorce party (sort of like a bachelorette) for when the papers are finalized. There's such a wide range of emotions that it's hard to know what to do.

[Anonymous]

Congratulations

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because no matter what reason, it's a pain to go through the divorce process, no?

If you don't anyone to feel sorry for you, just indicate that it's the best decision for you. If someone tells me they're getting divorced without adding some qualifier or extra tidbit like that, I'd say sorry too.

No, it does not have to be a pain. I felt that divorce was easy. The marriage was horrible.

I hate it when people say this. It is astonishing they don't realize 1 person wanted the divorce and is far from sorry.

I say: "I'm not sorry. Why are you?" It shuts this crap right down.

That’s a pretty hostile response to someone just trying to be nice. Yikes. I bet it sure does shut them right down. Why be so abrasive to someone who hasn’t done anything other than try to be nice?

I don't think it is "nice" to say "I'm sorry."

I can kind of see why you’re getting divorced. When I say it it’s because I’m sorry your life didn’t go as you expected, because most normal people don’t enter a marriage expecting it not to work out. This is also for more casual acquaintances. If I’d been witness to all the drama and you’re close to me, I would most likely say “it’s about damn time”.