Getting Divorced. People Say “I’m sorry.” Why?

[Anonymous]

Maybe we are sorry you made a bad choice?? Geez, OP, people are trying to be nice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because no matter what reason, it's a pain to go through the divorce process, no?

If you don't anyone to feel sorry for you, just indicate that it's the best decision for you. If someone tells me they're getting divorced without adding some qualifier or extra tidbit like that, I'd say sorry too.

No, it does not have to be a pain. I felt that divorce was easy. The marriage was horrible.

I hate it when people say this. It is astonishing they don't realize 1 person wanted the divorce and is far from sorry.

I say: "I'm not sorry. Why are you?" It shuts this crap right down.

That’s a pretty hostile response to someone just trying to be nice. Yikes. I bet it sure does shut them right down. Why be so abrasive to someone who hasn’t done anything other than try to be nice?

I don't think it is "nice" to say "I'm sorry."

“Something just happened in my life that is widely known to be the greatest stressor one can have in their lives, which is the end of my marriage which I , theoretically, hoped would be a happy one.”
“Oh, I had no idea, I’m sorry to hear that”
“That’s not nice to say why why on earth are you sorry?”

Yeah, you’re totally in the right here.

I don't advertise I am divorced. When people realize that and come up to me and say "I'm sorry" that is completely rude. They should say nothing.
It is completely presumptuous. If people had a happy marriage, they would not divorce. I think congratluations is a far better thing to say in most cases, but people should never say "I'm sorry" to a woman. 70% of people who initiate a divorce are not sorry. They should be congratulated on getting the eff out.

People should not comment.

They should just say "oh, okay" or "good to know" or say nothing. "I'm sorry" actually makes me really mad.

You should probably work with a therapist on why an innocuous, socially acceptable comment makes you so triggered. I am aware that you’ll take huge offense to this but I actually mean it seriously/ kindly. Have a nice holiday weekend.

I don't need a therapist. People need to stop the judgment and assumptions about divorce.

Look: either the person I'm talking to thought they had a decent marriage and is getting divorced when they don't want to, in which case I'm sorry for that, or they had a sh!tty marriage that they're finally leaving, in which case I'm sorry they had to go through the sh!tty marriage, or they're getting divorced because it's a fine marriage but they fell out of love with their spouse (or in love with someone else) in which case the divorce itself is still an uncomfortable process, in which case I'm sorry about the uncomfortable process. If there's a divorce happening, then some part of the process - either the preceding marriage or the divorce process itself - sucks, and that's what I'm sorry about.

If, however, you had a lovely marriage and and one day, you and your spouse happily wake up and mutually decide to get a divorce and you're finding the whole process exceedingly pleasant, then please let me know and I'll retract my "I'm sorry."

The divorce process is not hard. People make it hard on themselves.

"Oh, I didn't know" is a far better thing to say than "I'm sorry."

No, it isn't. It's cold and dismissive. Honestly, I hear what you're saying, OP - that hearing "I'm sorry" makes you feel pitied and as if you did something wrong when you feel that your decision to divorce was actually both brave and positive. I get that. But I'm not going to risk seeming dismissive of someone who's hurting on the off chance that I run into someone who feels this specific and particular way about their divorce.

[Anonymous]

As another poster said, sorry is for a good relationship going bad or for you having to go through a bad relationship until now.

Some people spend so much on weddings and divorces that even that's a good enough reason for others to feel sad for your loss.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m getting divorced. When I tell people this they say, “I’m so sorry.” But honestly, I don’t feel bad. This is the best decision I have made since marrying my STBX. My life is going to be so much more peaceful than it has been in years. No more putting up with narcissistic/borderline abuse. Just want it done. I don’t anyone to feel sorry for me. Why do people say they that?

They don't know how your life was or going to be. Not everyone is happy post-divorce, some just assume its going to be great, just like they assume marriage was going to be great.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's just a way to fill awkwardness. A standard response. Not that deep. Just say don't be and move on

This. Just like people say sorry if someone dies because odds are for wife to be sad. They wouldn't know if widow or widower are jumping with joy inside. Its possible but not normal.

[Anonymous]

OP I am with you. I also had Borderline spouse. While there is sadness from not having the ending I originally hoped for, there is happiness about being able to go on and liven peace.I hear these "I'm sorry to hear that"responses and realize they are not accurate. In my experience they were more than just words to fill the air. People felt bad for me, some people even cried. The reality is they had no idea the hell I was living in that led up to this point, so they had no clue that they should in fact be saying "Congratulations!" Going through this has taught me that a better response forpeople in the future who go through divorce is "Thanks for letting me know. How are you doing?" That way if there are doing great, they have the perfect opportunity to say so.

[Anonymous]

Because the hope with every new marriage is that it will be happy and endure. That did not happen for you, your husband (+ any children involved).

So while it is entirely possible that once things went south, this option was your best option…it is still a shame that the once promising Union did not work out.

(My armchair analysis is that you are trying too hard to deny the loss inherent in what you are experiencing. But if that helps you get through it, go with that.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I am with you. I also had Borderline spouse. While there is sadness from not having the ending I originally hoped for, there is happiness about being able to go on and liven peace.I hear these "I'm sorry to hear that"responses and realize they are not accurate. In my experience they were more than just words to fill the air. People felt bad for me, some people even cried. The reality is they had no idea the hell I was living in that led up to this point, so they had no clue that they should in fact be saying "Congratulations!" Going through this has taught me that a better response forpeople in the future who go through divorce is "Thanks for letting me know. How are you doing?" That way if there are doing great, they have the perfect opportunity to say so.

If you acted like everything was fine when you were miserable…then you should not be surprised at their response.

Maybe fess up and say, “I was keeping up a facade. “

But don’t blame them for saying things that are in sync with the fake existence you were living up to now. That is all they have to go on.

[Anonymous]

All these people in here defending their “I’m sorry” reply, you really should listen. I am not divorced, so no defensiveness here, but think about it, by saying you’re sorry, you are really implying something negative in a decision that somebody has made. That’s just rude. I would never say that to someone who tells me they’re getting divorced. Sometimes I say something like, oh, that can be hard, hope everyone is doing okay. That leaves them open to let me know, like OP, I’m doing good, this is for the best. Heck, I have to refrain from saying, congrats, lucky you! Because most days I wish that I too were getting divorced. So, OP, congrats!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I usually say "I'm sorry. Or congrats?"

This is the right thing to say, in my opinion.

PP here, thanks! I find that it lets the person getting divorced set the direction, and keeps the tone light.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I am with you. I also had Borderline spouse. While there is sadness from not having the ending I originally hoped for, there is happiness about being able to go on and liven peace.I hear these "I'm sorry to hear that"responses and realize they are not accurate. In my experience they were more than just words to fill the air. People felt bad for me, some people even cried. The reality is they had no idea the hell I was living in that led up to this point, so they had no clue that they should in fact be saying "Congratulations!" Going through this has taught me that a better response forpeople in the future who go through divorce is "Thanks for letting me know. How are you doing?" That way if there are doing great, they have the perfect opportunity to say so.

Thank you PP. Thus is really the kindest, most generous thing to say.

[Anonymous]

It likely involves some logistical complications, no?

Even if it's the best thing ever, there's a move involved for someone, and some complicated paperwork. Is there anyone who actually enjoys that part?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m getting divorced. When I tell people this they say, “I’m so sorry.” But honestly, I don’t feel bad. This is the best decision I have made since marrying my STBX. My life is going to be so much more peaceful than it has been in years. No more putting up with narcissistic/borderline abuse. Just want it done. I don’t anyone to feel sorry for me. Why do people say they that?

Probably because we view divorce as a failure. Getting married is a huge milestone and big decision. To know you/your spouse picked badly is pitiful. People pity you. They don't want to be in your position. They say sorry thinking it will comfort you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All these people in here defending their “I’m sorry” reply, you really should listen. I am not divorced, so no defensiveness here, but think about it, by saying you’re sorry, you are really implying something negative in a decision that somebody has made. That’s just rude. I would never say that to someone who tells me they’re getting divorced. Sometimes I say something like, oh, that can be hard, hope everyone is doing okay. That leaves them open to let me know, like OP, I’m doing good, this is for the best. Heck, I have to refrain from saying, congrats, lucky you! Because most days I wish that I too were getting divorced. So, OP, congrats!

I always say, sorry, unless I know the person is elated. It sucks to get divorced because it’s a huge PITA, if you have kids it’s hard on them regardless, and obviously it’s the end of a marriage that you presumably went into without planning to get divorced.

I had one friend who laughed and said she was so happy to be getting divorced, but she wasn’t clueless enough to ascribe rudeness to my comment.

[Anonymous]

What do you suggest they'd say? I didn't read the whole thread. Maybe they are sorry for the things that lead to divorce, not divorce itself.