Getting Divorced. People Say “I’m sorry.” Why?

[Anonymous]

I’m getting divorced. When I tell people this they say, “I’m so sorry.” But honestly, I don’t feel bad. This is the best decision I have made since marrying my STBX. My life is going to be so much more peaceful than it has been in years. No more putting up with narcissistic/borderline abuse. Just want it done. I don’t anyone to feel sorry for me. Why do people say they that?

[Anonymous]

Just tell then it's the best decision you've ever made.

[Anonymous]

Well, if I didn't know you were in a relationship with a narcissist, and this is the first time I'm learning that, that's what I'm saying sorry for!

[Anonymous]

It's good that you can see it that way. People are trying to be nice. For most people, divorce represents a sad event, so that's why people say that they are sorry to hear it.

[Anonymous]

Because it is something to say. If you want to redirect their feelings, say “it’s for the best. I’m very happy with this decision”


That’s all.

[Anonymous]

Because they may not be aware you're the one making the choice and not having the choice forced on you.

That being said, Congratulations on your divorce, OP! Hope you have a wonderful life without your STBX.

[Anonymous]

I say "I'm sorry," not because I'm sorry they're getting divorced (because, like with you, it may not be a sad thing for them), but because I'm sorry that there was so much sadness/pain in the past that lead to this.

[Anonymous]

Because at some point, you loved him enough to marry him. Perhaps you made a big mistake; that is reason enough to say "I'm sorry."

A divorce is never pain/ hassle/ cost-free, no matter how much you want it, that's another reason to say "I'm sorry."

And if there are children involved, you have wrecked their lives. That's what most of us are expressing sorrow for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, if I didn't know you were in a relationship with a narcissist, and this is the first time I'm learning that, that's what I'm saying sorry for!

+1. This is a hard thing to navigate. Maybe I really liked you and your husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Because at some point, you loved him enough to marry him. Perhaps you made a big mistake; that is reason enough to say "I'm sorry."

A divorce is never pain/ hassle/ cost-free, no matter how much you want it, that's another reason to say "I'm sorry."

And if there are children involved, you have wrecked their lives. That's what most of us are expressing sorrow for.

+1.

[Anonymous]

Because no matter what reason, it's a pain to go through the divorce process, no?

If you don't anyone to feel sorry for you, just indicate that it's the best decision for you. If someone tells me they're getting divorced without adding some qualifier or extra tidbit like that, I'd say sorry too.

[Anonymous]

Don’t be obtuse-they mean they are sorry your marriage didn’t work out (which you surely know!)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Because at some point, you loved him enough to marry him. Perhaps you made a big mistake; that is reason enough to say "I'm sorry."

A divorce is never pain/ hassle/ cost-free, no matter how much you want it, that's another reason to say "I'm sorry."

And if there are children involved, you have wrecked their lives. That's what most of us are expressing sorrow for.

It's not necessarily true that 1) their lives are wrecked or 2) if their lives are wrecked, that it was OP who wrecked them.

[Anonymous]

I think is basic politeness. People don’t know the circumstances of your divorce so is safer to say ‘I am sorry’ than an awkard ‘Congratulations’

[Anonymous]

I've said that. I'm not assuming that divorce is a bad decision given whatever the circumstances of your marriage were, but I assume that when you married, you thought it would be for life. So a divorce means that for some reason - and generally they are very good reasons - that was not possible.