In-laws are mad that we are inviting others to Christmas dinner. How to resolve this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here.

We haven’t told anyone that we help him out. I told them that he would be spending the holiday alone with his kids, so i asked him to come over.

I would be humiliated if someone implied that I couldn't provide Christmas for my kids, or that being alone with my kids wasn't good enough for them. Does he know you're inviting him because you feel sorry and not because you enjoy his company?

-- single parent

Of course we enjoy his company. We were talking the other day and he said he misses big home cooked christmases. I invited him over. I’m not sure why this is such a point of contention.

Additionally, We haven’t told anyone that we help him out. I only mentioned it in the OP so that people wouldn’t ask “why are you inviting this random guy??”

I quoted you saying that you told your in laws that you are inviting him over because other wise they'd be alone.

Now you're saying that you didn't tell anyone that?

I told them that they would be alone and I invited them, not that they are having financial hardships.

[Anonymous]

Inviting a bunch of random kids to an otherwise adult Christmas dinner will certainly change the dynamic. Will there be no other kids there?

[Anonymous]

Here is what I think:

You said your parents and in laws will be at your house for a few days. That means they will be at your house for at least 72 hours. Your neighbor and his 3 kids will be at your house for at most 4 hours. Remind your MIL that she will have 68 hours at your house without the neighbors there.

You will have lots of other adults there to make the neighbor and his kids feel welcome during the 4 hours they are at your house. Ask them all to run interference in case MIL is rude.

[Anonymous]

OP, I know you said you wanted to handle this without drama, but I don’t think that is possible. You need to tell them off in no uncertain terms. Read them the riot act and receive their manipulative tears with cold resolve.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Inviting a bunch of random kids to an otherwise adult Christmas dinner will certainly change the dynamic. Will there be no other kids there?

Yeah, so?.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe remind them that Jesus is the reason for the season? I don’t often say it but this does seem like a WWJD moment. Room at the inn and all.

You do know not everyone is Christian, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Inviting a bunch of random kids to an otherwise adult Christmas dinner will certainly change the dynamic. Will there be no other kids there?

Yeah, so?.

Yeah what? There will be other kids there?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would uninvite them for this.

Puhleeze. No need to escalate the drama. They can come or not, and it's not OP's problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe remind them that Jesus is the reason for the season? I don’t often say it but this does seem like a WWJD moment. Room at the inn and all.

You do know not everyone is Christian, right?

It's a Christmas dinner, so....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This will be our first Christmas in our new house. We invited my parents and my in laws to come for dinner. They live several hours away, so they will be staying with us for a few days. I invited a neighbor to come to Christmas dinner and bring his children. This man is a single father and doesn't really have a lot of money. We often take him groceries or just ask "hey do you need anything from costco?" when we are on the way there and we refuse to accept any reimbursement.

I told my in laws today that it will be 13 people for Christmas dinner. They wanted to know where the extra people were coming from. I told them that I invited our neighbor and they pitched a fit. They totally flipped out about inviting him and said that this isn't a soup kitchen. Honestly, I'd rather have me neighbor and his well behaved kids over than them at this point. How can I best resolve this without drama?

Have you told your MIL about your "charity"?

Yes, this. OP I’m not sure why you felt the need to tell us about buying things and not asking for reimbursement. Sounds like you’ve told your in laws about this. A lot of patting yourself on the back while humiliating your neighbor.

You really should learn to read.

That person read correctly. Perhaps you should learn to read.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe remind them that Jesus is the reason for the season? I don’t often say it but this does seem like a WWJD moment. Room at the inn and all.

You do know not everyone is Christian, right?

It's a Christmas dinner, so....

Millions of people celebrate Christmas secularly, soo…

[Anonymous]

I have 3 kids. I would not bring my kids to my neighbor's adult family dinner party on Christmas. I sort of assumed OP had her own kids and the families all knew each other, which sounds like a great idea, but that's not the case. Since there won't be other kids there to make it fun for my kids it's not an invitation I would accept. Does neighbor know his kids will be the only ones? it would matter to me that this was a family/kid friendly party which sounds like this is not, so I would not go.

[Anonymous]

OP, your primary goal is to protect these three kids from feeling othered, pitied or judged. Focus on that and forget about who is right and who is rude. I agree you should have a big talk with IL’s and try to appease them by doing what they want for other parts of the visit. Maybe even tell them that you see their point of view and admit you should have run it by them since it’s such a big event and they are traveling, etc. You want them to feel as unprovoked as possible so they behave as benevolently as possible.

Next step is to have a kid-friendly element so it’s less about strangers staring at each other. For example, have three premade gingerbread houses from Target and set them up in another room. Depending on kids ages, have a Christmas movie and cocoa with Santa marshmallows in another room. Sometime that shows them they are welcomed sincerely at least by you.

Fwiw, I think your in laws are uncharitable snobs but I admit that I’m not thrilled when I drag my family across the country to my in laws for a holiday and there is another set of in laws there or a handful of strangers. I would never say anything but I do prefer it to be smaller since we have limited time together. It makes me feel like they are multitasking and diluting the spirit of the meal. And yes I have some social anxiety at play.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This will be our first Christmas in our new house. We invited my parents and my in laws to come for dinner. They live several hours away, so they will be staying with us for a few days. I invited a neighbor to come to Christmas dinner and bring his children. This man is a single father and doesn't really have a lot of money. We often take him groceries or just ask "hey do you need anything from costco?" when we are on the way there and we refuse to accept any reimbursement.

I told my in laws today that it will be 13 people for Christmas dinner. They wanted to know where the extra people were coming from. I told them that I invited our neighbor and they pitched a fit. They totally flipped out about inviting him and said that this isn't a soup kitchen. Honestly, I'd rather have me neighbor and his well behaved kids over than them at this point. How can I best resolve this without drama?

I honestly think I would tell them that this year won't work for you to host them after all and why don't you plan on seeing them in the New Year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wtf? Are they going to make nasty comments to this man and his children all night too? Would also consider uninviting.

OP here,

honestly, this is part of my concern. My DH has already spoken to them and made it clear that it was a joint decision for us to invite the neighbors and that they are to be polite. They argued with him about how if they wanted to eat dinner "with a bunch of strangers", they would have gone to a restaurant.

Then they can.

Set this boundary now or deal with it forever. I wouldn't be able to stomach having them, TBH.