In-laws are mad that we are inviting others to Christmas dinner. How to resolve this?

[Anonymous]

This is like going to someone else’s home and dictate what they serve you. You get to decide the guests and the menu!

Gluten, dairy, soy, peanut free? Sorry we are not and we will serve what we want in our home!

[Anonymous]

Posters above are right. They can’t be trusted around other guests, ever. Here’s an amended script:

“Mom, Jane and I discussed what you said, and we’re not willing to risk you being rude and unwelcoming to our friends. You are no longer welcome to attend our Christmas dinner. We will keep in mind your behavior in the future, and we will only be seeing you alone, never with other people. Christmas is out for this year, so we will give you some time to reflect on your rudeness, and we’ll contact you to make solo plans in the New Year.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Posters above are right. They can’t be trusted around other guests, ever. Here’s an amended script:

“Mom, Jane and I discussed what you said, and we’re not willing to risk you being rude and unwelcoming to our friends. You are no longer welcome to attend our Christmas dinner. We will keep in mind your behavior in the future, and we will only be seeing you alone, never with other people. Christmas is out for this year, so we will give you some time to reflect on your rudeness, and we’ll contact you to make solo plans in the New Year.”

Too many words.

"Our Christmas plans don't mesh with yours. See you in the new year."

[Anonymous]

This is the kind of thing where you have a group meeting. You, DH, MIL and FIL need to be on FaceTime and your DH needs to address this.

"Mom and Dad, we are having this meeting because we do not want any ambiguity in what is discussed. We are happy to host family, friends and acquaintances for Christmas. I feel blessed that we have enough to celebrate with family and friends in the true spirit of the season.

However, Mom made a comment about "not being a soup kitchen" because of inviting our friend and his family. Our great concern is that with this kind of attitude, mom will continue to make passive-aggressive comments to the neighbor and embarrass and humiliate him and us. It will be uncomfortable for everyone, including my ILs who will witness this. I would prefer either you do not come for Christmas and have a solo visit with us OR if you both decide to come to the event to be on your kindest behavior towards everyone so as to not embarrass us in front of our neighbors and our ILs.

The ball is in your court. I have called the joint meeting so that nothing can be misconstrued or misinterpreted."

This has to be wordy, in a group setting and it has to be handled entirely by DH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Posters above are right. They can’t be trusted around other guests, ever. Here’s an amended script:

“Mom, Jane and I discussed what you said, and we’re not willing to risk you being rude and unwelcoming to our friends. You are no longer welcome to attend our Christmas dinner. We will keep in mind your behavior in the future, and we will only be seeing you alone, never with other people. Christmas is out for this year, so we will give you some time to reflect on your rudeness, and we’ll contact you to make solo plans in the New Year.”

Too many words.

"Our Christmas plans don't mesh with yours. See you in the new year."

Too few words. It does not explain anything. It basically ends any relationship and gives no room for people to change their behavior. Not that I am a fan of the previous version.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would uninvite them for this.

+1 That is unacceptable behavior.

+1. I would uninvited in-laws. And the soup kitchen remark says a lot about them. Just say once and only once " in the spirit of Christmas we have invited our friend Mike and his family. We'll miss you but if you prefer not to join that's your choice."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would uninvite them for this.

+1 That is unacceptable behavior.

+1. I would uninvited in-laws. And the soup kitchen remark says a lot about them. Just say once and only once " in the spirit of Christmas we have invited our friend Mike and his family. We'll miss you but if you prefer not to join that's your choice." [/quote

+2

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This will be our first Christmas in our new house. We invited my parents and my in laws to come for dinner. They live several hours away, so they will be staying with us for a few days. I invited a neighbor to come to Christmas dinner and bring his children. This man is a single father and doesn't really have a lot of money. We often take him groceries or just ask "hey do you need anything from costco?" when we are on the way there and we refuse to accept any reimbursement.

I told my in laws today that it will be 13 people for Christmas dinner. They wanted to know where the extra people were coming from. I told them that I invited our neighbor and they pitched a fit. They totally flipped out about inviting him and said that this isn't a soup kitchen. Honestly, I'd rather have me neighbor and his well behaved kids over than them at this point. How can I best resolve this without drama?

Have you told your MIL about your "charity"?

[Anonymous]

I agree with those who say that basically you set the stage by telling the MIL about the "charity" you are providing. You shouldn't be telling people this. It feels very much like you are trying to show how good you are, and I agree you are, but you shouldn't need to tell people about it.

Do it and don't mention.

But in terms of the MIL who you've already told, she is obviously a snob and doesn't want to break bread with people who are "charity" cases.

[Anonymous]

Op here.

We haven’t told anyone that we help him out. I told them that he would be spending the holiday alone with his kids, so i asked him to come over.

[Anonymous]

I would not want to risk someone being rude to him and his children. Can you invite him over for Christmas Eve and serve appetizers and cookies, maybe have some nice gifts for the kids? I don't like your mother-in-law controlling the situation though. You should be able to invite whoever you want to your house whenever you want. You are in charge, not her.

[Anonymous]

Your in laws are selfish and mean. It’s not their house.

[Anonymous]

I cannot believe how horrible your MIL behaved. I have nothing to add that hasn’t been said. I hope you have a wonderful holiday. You and your husband and kind and thoughtful people.

[Anonymous]

I’m not making any excuses for their reaction because it’s horrible, but just wondering if they have social anxiety. I do, and the idea of “new” people in the mix at what is already sort of a fraught time in my family could bring on some negative, unChristmasy emotions for me.

If they don’t get to spend much quality time with you to begin with, they might be anxious already at the prospect of “sharing” with your parents, in a new setting (your house for the first time for Christmas), and the introduction of an additional element perhaps caused them to react emotionally (badly!) in the moment. They don’t know the other people, they may think they need to bring gifts for the kids, they want to talk about family stuff without having to provide backstory — none of which is difficult but for a person with anxiety it could hit differently.

Given time to reflect on it, they might warm to the idea. No matter how anxious I am, in a million years I wouldn’t be rude and unwelcoming to any other guests at Christmas. I would have a big talk with them as others have suggested. If you celebrate both Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, maybe make it clear to the in-laws that you are inviting the friend and kids to one or the other, not both.

[Anonymous]

Hilarious. My mother would pitch a fit too! Actually several years in a row she had jealous fits about the time we spent at our ILs, EVEN when we pointed out that we spent more time with HER than them. The mind boggles sometimes...