In-laws are mad that we are inviting others to Christmas dinner. How to resolve this?

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11/28/2022 16:45

Subject: Re:In-laws are mad that we are inviting others to Christmas dinner. How to resolve this?

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Anonymous wrote:What’s there to resolve? They can either come or not.

Exactly. I wouldn’t disinvite over this, but would immediately step in if they make inappropriate comments (personally I think this is unlikely).

+1. They need to get over themselves.

And, well done, OP, for demonstrating the WWJD lifestyle.

Yes, this is just the spirit to honor thy mother and father according to the Commandments like all good Christians do. Sounds like cafeteria Christianity.

Inviting people to Christmas isn’t dishonoring your mother and father so I don’t even know what point you are trying to make here.

It's pretty obvious. The in-laws have said this plan makes them uncomfortable. And rather than work with them to make them comfortable and keep everyone happy the only acceptable solution is to take a hard stance, tell the in-laws to just stay home, and pat yourself on the back for being such a loving Christian who brags about their charity to others. Who cares about the people who raised the husband after all?

The in-laws can act like grownups for one meal. Or they can make other plans. Their choice.

Yes, make the houseguests uncomfortable. That's the holiday spirit.

The houseguests are making themselves uncomfortable.

A good host makes all their guests comfortable.

Within reason. Better yet, a good host gives all their guests the opportunity to be comfortable. But a good host will not sacrifice the comfort of one guest for the comfort of another. OP's neighbors aren't asking for the inlaws to be disinvited -- the inlaws are declaring that they will not allow themselves to be comfortable if the neighbors are there.

Is the answer to disinvite the in-laws? I thought invites could not be rescinded?

Of course invitations can be rescinded - I'm not the PP that said they couldn't. You shouldn't rescind invitations except in extreme circumstances, but declaring that another guest is unwelcome certainly qualifies. The answer is to inform the in laws that the neighbors are OPs guests, and if they can't treat the neighbors with kindness, or if they truly feel that they cannot enjoy themselves if the neighbors are there, then the in laws should stay home.

The bait and switch is a raw deal for in-laws who made travel plans under the guise of a small and intimate family Christmas.

OP never said this.

It's in the OP. In-laws wanted to know who the extra people were. They were not expecting others at this small gathering.

OP never invited the in laws under any guise of a small and intimate family Christmas. That’s just flat out false. She told them she would like to host Christmas and that it will be 13 people. She is telling this all to them nearly a month in advance. You are painting a completely false picture here to suggest somehow OP is in the wrong planning the guest list for her own dinner! It’s absurd.

Here is what OP actually said, you don't get to make up your own facts:

"I told my in laws today that it will be 13 people for Christmas dinner. They wanted to know where the extra people were coming from"

Where did the in-laws get the idea "extra" people were coming? Clearly the number wasn't 13 before. OP invited the family then added the neighbors after.

That doesn't mean that OP pitched this as an "intimate, family only Christmas dinner." It means that before, the guest list was shorter and consisted of only family. There was no representation from the OP that they intended it to stay intimate and family-only.

And guess what? Even if OP did say "In-laws, please come to our intimate, family-only Christmas dinner" and then invited the neighbors, that would STILL be ok. The circumstances had changed: OP became aware that the neighbors had nowhere to go on Christmas and accommodated her plans accordingly. They're the hosts, and that's well within their rights to do so.

Maybe they have social anxiety, or are afraid of strangers, or are worried about germs from kids. Why brush all that off like its nothing?

The in laws threw a fit and said a lot of things, but none of it was about social anxiety or germs. Why make assumptions that aren’t in the post? The parents seem quite capable of expressing themselves to their daughter in law.

How do you know? They said a lot of things but all we know is 1) soup kitchens and 2) eating with strangers is like a restaurant. That's not a lot of things. Maybe OP left some details out?

There is no point to speculating about details we don't have access too. We only have the info we have. We could spend a lot of time coming up with crazy conspiracy theories, but what's the point?

That's pretty much why this site exists.

If the in laws cared about germs or had social anxiety, they had plenty of time to say that to OP’s husband when they were arguing with him. Those aren’t the reasons they gave for being upset. It makes no sense to ask why people are “brushing it off as nothing” when they never expressed those concerns in the first place.