Parents please believe your child’s teacher

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - are you a parent? I am a teacher with a child in kindergarten and your perspective changes a lot. Also, we all know that there are teachers who do not handle things in the best way with kids that might not have perfect behavior.

+1, many teachers experience this. You think you understand childhood development really well as a teacher but then have your own kid and realize it's much more complex. I think it's important for both parents AND teachers (and pediatricians, nannies, coaches, etc.) to have some humility when it comes to understanding kids. None of us knows everything and it works best when we work together to figure it out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have to say that my experience with teachers is typically the opposite. They are going above and beyond to make accommodations and use such coded language that it’s hard to figure out what’s actually going on. I definitely heard the “brilliant loner” thing from a few teachers with my autistic child. It wasn’t until I started just dropping in at the school to drop off “forgotten” items that I saw that my son had on noise cancelling headphones and a weighted blanket and was not participating in the classroom activities.

Oh wow, that's so frustrating.

I sometimes feel like we are going through this now with my DD but with Covid I can't just drop by the classroom randomly. It's impossible to know if the teachers are being straightforward or sugar coating. You wind up having to just follow your gut as a parent, which is why OP's comments just don't ring true for me. We've had great teachers but I think they are somewhat limited in what they can offer in terms of insight when it comes to spectrum disorders specifically. They are with 12-15 kids every day, they have limited ability to focus in on one child and really make an assessment. In the end it's your responsibility as a parent and the teacher is just one input, not the final authority.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wish teachers would actually tell parents what they see. Too many are worried about getting a bigger IEP case load, so as long as the kid isn't causing the teacher a problem, they gas light the parents into believing there is no problem and give the kids As.

Agreed. We had a kindergartener with pragmatic language issues that often ended in aggressive behavior when she couldn't find a way to communicate. We were aware of the issue and paying for private therapy, but it wasn't solving itself overnight. She tested fine in standard speech evaluations so her issues weren't initially triggering any support.

She started public kindergarten and we got zero information from her teacher. At the parent teacher conference we asked tons of questions: "Does she have friends?" "Is she handling conflict appropriately?" "Is she playing with other kids?" "Is she talking to other kids?" "How is she getting along with others in the classroom?"

The teacher's answer? "You'll have to ask her. I can't talk about other students."

Oh yeah, you want us to ask a 5 yo kid with language issues what's happening in the classroom? We clarified we didn't need names or specifics. Still she wouldn't share anything.

Turns out she was being sent to the Principal's office almost daily to get her out of the classroom. No one told us. Our 5 yo didn't know it wasn't normal or that there was even an issue. I ultimately heard from another mom who volunteered who wanted to know what was up with her sitting in the office all the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Teachers need to understand that often parents already know these things and instead of approaching us as “generic parent in denial” consider that it MIGHT be possible we know our kids better than you do.

You know your kids at home, we know your kids at school.

No one knows my kid better than me.

This, a teacher who made this assumption would make me question her critical thinking skills. I am with my kid daily in many different settings (alone, with peers, small groups, large groups, with family or strangers, etc.). And I am going to be way more focused on my kid in most of those settings— if I take her to an activity with 10 other kids, I will notice the other kids but my focus will be my kid. A teacher is balancing a classroom with 10+ kids. She will of course notice individual behaviors, social dynamics, etc. And that info is so helpful. It’s really important for me to learn what my kid is like when I’m not around. But it’s not definitive knowledge, just good observational info.

I have been through this with my DD. She has social anxiety that is actually primarily related to how she responds to adults outside our family. It was probably always there, but Covid exacerbated it. She acts differently at school not because of the other kids (many of whom she sees outside school in other settings) but because she still finds it stressful to be in environments with non-parental caregivers. We are aware of this issue and working on it. We have discussed it with her teachers. It’s tough. But it also means that info from her teachers can only be so helpful because she still dies not feel totally comfortable around them.

[Anonymous]

It would also be great if teachers, when asked why their child didnt perform well on a standardized test, didnt attack the standardized test.

We know, we know, we know that you don't like standardized tests. We know you would totally design a better one if you were somehow given a chance. But the one we have is the one we have and all the kids are taking the same test, so please just focus on the kids' performance and spare us the predictable commentary on the design of the test.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also, severe constipation can look like autism to an untrained eye. Lack of vision correction can present itself as a student with learning difficulties. Teacher – stay in your lane.

Signed, another teacher who is also a parent.

So what?
This would be discovered in an evaluation. For most parents, a teacher saying that she is concerned about autism would trigger an evaluation. A teacher saying vague things about behavior that are as inoffensive as possible triggers nothing. So the vision problems get missed where they could have been picked up.

[Anonymous]

I’m a teacher (and a parent) who just read through this thread with a heavy heart. I decided to return next year, but I’m still conflicted. This job has changed so much in the past decade and I now dread going to work. I feel constantly attacked, no matter how much of my time and best intentions I throw at my job. I’ve let my own family become secondary in my life as I take on more responsibility than should EVER be placed on one person’s shoulders.

I AM that teacher all of you want. I keep meticulous records. I constantly change my lessons to tailor to students’ needs. I constantly communicate with parents using clear terms. I tutor my students regularly on my own time. To hear parents speak in these blanket, cruel terms about teachers, however, makes me want to reevaluate going back next year. Sure, maybe you aren’t talking to me specifically, but your attacks on my profession DO hurt, especially after the grueling long hours and sacrifices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m a teacher (and a parent) who just read through this thread with a heavy heart. I decided to return next year, but I’m still conflicted. This job has changed so much in the past decade and I now dread going to work. I feel constantly attacked, no matter how much of my time and best intentions I throw at my job. I’ve let my own family become secondary in my life as I take on more responsibility than should EVER be placed on one person’s shoulders.

I AM that teacher all of you want. I keep meticulous records. I constantly change my lessons to tailor to students’ needs. I constantly communicate with parents using clear terms. I tutor my students regularly on my own time. To hear parents speak in these blanket, cruel terms about teachers, however, makes me want to reevaluate going back next year. Sure, maybe you aren’t talking to me specifically, but your attacks on my profession DO hurt, especially after the grueling long hours and sacrifices.

NP I hear you. And I think parents would say the same thing to teachers since we really got a better understanding of what some teachers thought about teaching and how they taught after the pandemic. It also hurts to hear what our children are going through and what teachers are saying about them. This is just such an unfortunate situation where people often just aren't handling the conflict well, there is a lot of opportunity for miscommunication, everybody is burnt out but still expected to handle things perfectly, etc. We all need to get and give more grace but it's really hard.

Just know that I believe you and I think you are the norm, honestly.

[Anonymous]

In our situation it was the teachers and school who ignored the issues. We spent a fortune privately. How about help advocating for kids and providing the support they need.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m a teacher (and a parent) who just read through this thread with a heavy heart. I decided to return next year, but I’m still conflicted. This job has changed so much in the past decade and I now dread going to work. I feel constantly attacked, no matter how much of my time and best intentions I throw at my job. I’ve let my own family become secondary in my life as I take on more responsibility than should EVER be placed on one person’s shoulders.

I AM that teacher all of you want. I keep meticulous records. I constantly change my lessons to tailor to students’ needs. I constantly communicate with parents using clear terms. I tutor my students regularly on my own time. To hear parents speak in these blanket, cruel terms about teachers, however, makes me want to reevaluate going back next year. Sure, maybe you aren’t talking to me specifically, but your attacks on my profession DO hurt, especially after the grueling long hours and sacrifices.

Please, please do not take DCUM as a reflection of all parents. People are making blanket statements based on their narrow experiences, and using uncivil and rude language to boot. We had an incredible partnership with our teacher this year. My kid is wonderful but can be a real handful and has some lagging social skills. I have seen that my kid has been both the victim and the aggressor in different circumstances. By working as a team with her teacher, she has experienced huge growth this year. She has benefited tremendously from her teacher’s guidance, as reinforced at home.

I know multiple other parents in the same place - recognizing their kids’ shortcomings, and being committed to help them through them. But I’ve also seen that some parents get ridiculously defensive and can be in total denial about their kids’ behavior at school. I know better than to assume that you know exactly how your kid will behave in a given situation. It benefits your kid to have some humility and work together with your teacher to help support them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a teacher (and a parent) who just read through this thread with a heavy heart. I decided to return next year, but I’m still conflicted. This job has changed so much in the past decade and I now dread going to work. I feel constantly attacked, no matter how much of my time and best intentions I throw at my job. I’ve let my own family become secondary in my life as I take on more responsibility than should EVER be placed on one person’s shoulders.

I AM that teacher all of you want. I keep meticulous records. I constantly change my lessons to tailor to students’ needs. I constantly communicate with parents using clear terms. I tutor my students regularly on my own time. To hear parents speak in these blanket, cruel terms about teachers, however, makes me want to reevaluate going back next year. Sure, maybe you aren’t talking to me specifically, but your attacks on my profession DO hurt, especially after the grueling long hours and sacrifices.

NP I hear you. And I think parents would say the same thing to teachers since we really got a better understanding of what some teachers thought about teaching and how they taught after the pandemic. It also hurts to hear what our children are going through and what teachers are saying about them. This is just such an unfortunate situation where people often just aren't handling the conflict well, there is a lot of opportunity for miscommunication, everybody is burnt out but still expected to handle things perfectly, etc. We all need to get and give more grace but it's really hard.

Just know that I believe you and I think you are the norm, honestly.

Thank you! This is a wonderful response. I agree that (collectively) we aren’t handling things well right now. Grace really is a good place to start.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My child was having issues so we had an evaluator sit in the classroom.

They evaluator had a list of 5 things for the teacher (not the child, not the parent) to change.

You paid a person to tell you your kid was perfect and it was all the teacher at fault? Got it.

No I paid a person to tell me my child was dyslexic.

When she observed the classroom she made suggestions to the teacher (and principal). The design of the desks, the order of the classes, the use of the board vs lecture, etc.

The teacher wasn’t as defensive as you she used all the suggestions to make her classroom a better environment for learning.

But you fo demonstrate his the teacher can be the problem and simple suggestions to improve are net with hostility.

I’m left wondering how the teacher accommodated all of these suggestions that directly benefit your child while simultaneously supporting all of the other children in the class.

Also, you need to realize how your initial statement sounds to a teacher. Teachers have to take responsibility for everything. They are used to hearing “simple suggestions” from their administrators, from parents, and from anybody else who spends 2 seconds in their classrooms. Often these suggestions contradict.

This is a neat encapsulation of what happens:

Teacher: Your child has big problems!!
Parent: OK, we got an evaluation and this is what they need in the classroom.
Teacher: That’s not possible!! Only kids with IEPs get that
Parent: OK give us the IEP
Admins: Not possible! Your child doesn’t have a disability that require special education.
Parent: Here, talk to our lawyer
Admins: Ok here is your IEP
Teacher: (Doesn’t implement IEP)
Teacher: Your child has big problems!
Parent: I know. Did you follow the IEP?
Teacher: I don’t have the resources
Other Parents: Why does that bad kid get all the resources? It’s so unfair!

fin

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m a teacher (and a parent) who just read through this thread with a heavy heart. I decided to return next year, but I’m still conflicted. This job has changed so much in the past decade and I now dread going to work. I feel constantly attacked, no matter how much of my time and best intentions I throw at my job. I’ve let my own family become secondary in my life as I take on more responsibility than should EVER be placed on one person’s shoulders.

I AM that teacher all of you want. I keep meticulous records. I constantly change my lessons to tailor to students’ needs. I constantly communicate with parents using clear terms. I tutor my students regularly on my own time. To hear parents speak in these blanket, cruel terms about teachers, however, makes me want to reevaluate going back next year. Sure, maybe you aren’t talking to me specifically, but your attacks on my profession DO hurt, especially after the grueling long hours and sacrifices.

Do you not see how OP spoke in blanket terms? Most of the parent responses have not been blanket criticisms of teachers but simply explaining why in some instances they may not simply agree with what a teacher tells them. That’s not a criticism of teachers generally, it’s an acknowledgement that it’s more complex that simply “parents, believe teachers.”

I am simply bothered by the OP stating that parents whose kids are bullied are somehow at fault (for not giving them bully repellent? I mean what?) and also the assumption that a teacher knows a child BETTER than the parent. I personally don’t see a lot of criticism of teachers generally on this thread but I do see the OP making sweeping statements about parents and kids that bother me.

If that’s not you, I’m not sure why you would be offended. Also, don’t martyr yourself to your job! I certainly don’t expect that from teachers. I want people with healthy work life balance and I certainly don’t want teachers to neglect their own family to teach.

The point is: I’m on it. I’m the best and last authority on my kid. Thank you for your insights, I will take them to heart. I might not do exactly what you want or suggest because I have a fuller picture and other inputs. If there are concrete things I can do to help with classroom behavior, I’m all ears, but if you think my kid has ADHD or “acts the victim” I will place that information in proper context and decide what to do for my kid. You don’t need to take that on— my child has two loving parents and we are in it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My child was having issues so we had an evaluator sit in the classroom.

They evaluator had a list of 5 things for the teacher (not the child, not the parent) to change.

You paid a person to tell you your kid was perfect and it was all the teacher at fault? Got it.

No I paid a person to tell me my child was dyslexic.

When she observed the classroom she made suggestions to the teacher (and principal). The design of the desks, the order of the classes, the use of the board vs lecture, etc.

The teacher wasn’t as defensive as you she used all the suggestions to make her classroom a better environment for learning.

But you fo demonstrate his the teacher can be the problem and simple suggestions to improve are net with hostility.

I’m left wondering how the teacher accommodated all of these suggestions that directly benefit your child while simultaneously supporting all of the other children in the class.

Also, you need to realize how your initial statement sounds to a teacher. Teachers have to take responsibility for everything. They are used to hearing “simple suggestions” from their administrators, from parents, and from anybody else who spends 2 seconds in their classrooms. Often these suggestions contradict.

So parents should listen to teachers about their kid’s problems but teachers cannot be expected to do anything about those problems, and it is both unfair to the other students to leave the problems unaddressed AND unfair to address the problems.

Makes sense!!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My child was having issues so we had an evaluator sit in the classroom.

They evaluator had a list of 5 things for the teacher (not the child, not the parent) to change.

You paid a person to tell you your kid was perfect and it was all the teacher at fault? Got it.

No I paid a person to tell me my child was dyslexic.

When she observed the classroom she made suggestions to the teacher (and principal). The design of the desks, the order of the classes, the use of the board vs lecture, etc.

The teacher wasn’t as defensive as you she used all the suggestions to make her classroom a better environment for learning.

But you fo demonstrate his the teacher can be the problem and simple suggestions to improve are net with hostility.

This is hilarious. So many of those things are out if a teacher’s control. You think a teacher gets to unilaterally pick what order to teach classes. It has to be coordinated with specialists and the school. If the entire school teaches math before recess your observer’s recommendation that the teacher teaches reading first is laughable. The design of of the desks? Often times the leadership is dictating how they want desks arranged. If a teacher want to use rows of desks that wouldn’t be allowed at some schools. The teacher probably was relieved when your child left the class at the end of the year.

This anecdote really highlights the problem with education. The parent assumes the teacher is the problem and brings in an expert, somebody without teaching experience who is unfamiliar with the operations of an actual classroom. This expert doesn’t know the many conflicting priorities a teacher needs to meet on a daily basis. Would I have an “expert” sit in on a doctor’s appointment with me? No. I assume my doctor has the training and knowledge to be the expert in that environment. Why can’t we give teachers that same respect? I’m a general education teacher who is about to spend my whole summer in supplemental training programs. And for what? To have an “expert” second guess what I do in my classroom?

Parents, listen to teachers! But teachers, don’t ever listen to parents!

Is that right?