I regret having kids. I don't like being a mom. And it's affecting my marriage

[Anonymous]

And I also have a countdown to when they grow up. I have not been able to do the things I wanted to do because of the 20 years of parenting. You are not alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I thought about where to post this but think this might be the best forum. I am 46 and have a 5 year old and 11 year old. I really dislike being a mom. I love my kids. I think they are amazing but I can't stand parenting. I try hard to be patient and loving but I feel like I don't have any ability to just do whatever I want to do. I know this sounds really selfish. I get that I brought these kids into the world - they didn't have the choice. But how do I get to a better place? How do I stop resenting being a mom? I hate constantly telling them to not fight. To be kinder to each other. They don't listen and then I lose my cool.

My husband is angry that I don't spend more time volunteering at their schools, playing board games with them and getting more involved with their activities. I don't know how to do as much as he does - I simply don't care. I hate board games. I spent 3 hours volunteering at their field day and I wanted to poke my eyes out.

It's getting to a place where I just want to run away. I feel like any effort I make is not enough. Is this normal or do most moms love being a mom? I really regret a lot of my decisions in life. I just can't wait for them to grow up so I have the freedom to do what I want to do. Jeez, I sound like a horrible person.

Yes, you are. Also, you could be an NPD person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel the same. I am slightly younger than you with similar aged kids. I actually did not want kids. I can't stand parenting. It is as awful as I thought it would be. All work and very little joy. It is not "rewarding." If I was a father, I would love to have kids. Being the mother? Not so much.

I have always worked full-time. Dad did zero until I said we were getting a divorce.

I am happier divorced. My kids are actually doing better than I am after a divorce. I am still annoyed very angry--and coparenting with someone you can't stand is awful.

I had a marriage problem and a parenthood problem.

Your husband needs to stop being so hard on you. I'm sorry.

In both, you are the common denominator. Not surprised you are divorced. No one is forcing women to have kids. Take charge of your fertility and use BC. The utter selfishness, entitlement and evilness of you is shameful. No one needs to become a parent with all the modern birthcontrol available and then shit all over the children they birth.

It happens. https://www.acog.org/clinical/clinical-guidance/committee-opinion/articles/2013/02/reproductive-and-sexual-coercion

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And I also have a countdown to when they grow up. I have not been able to do the things I wanted to do because of the 20 years of parenting. You are not alone.

This seems so all-or-nothing. Do some things you like doing, for Pete’s sake! Life is too short!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I thought about where to post this but think this might be the best forum. I am 46 and have a 5 year old and 11 year old. I really dislike being a mom. I love my kids. I think they are amazing but I can't stand parenting. I try hard to be patient and loving but I feel like I don't have any ability to just do whatever I want to do. I know this sounds really selfish. I get that I brought these kids into the world - they didn't have the choice. But how do I get to a better place? How do I stop resenting being a mom? I hate constantly telling them to not fight. To be kinder to each other. They don't listen and then I lose my cool.

My husband is angry that I don't spend more time volunteering at their schools, playing board games with them and getting more involved with their activities. I don't know how to do as much as he does - I simply don't care. I hate board games. I spent 3 hours volunteering at their field day and I wanted to poke my eyes out.

It's getting to a place where I just want to run away. I feel like any effort I make is not enough. Is this normal or do most moms love being a mom? I really regret a lot of my decisions in life. I just can't wait for them to grow up so I have the freedom to do what I want to do. Jeez, I sound like a horrible person.

Yes, you are. Also, you could be an NPD person.

She is not horrible. Modern motherhood sucks. You are expected to do it all. Many people do not have families nearby to help. Women are expected to do it all: work and be the perfect mom. It sucks. Men have not adapted to women being breadwinners as well. It is not like the past where one's whole life was about being a mom and she was supported by doing it. Women would enjoy motherhood more if it was the way it was. Now we are expected to do everything. There is nothing normal about this. Her feelings are perfectly valid and normal for a lot of women.

[Anonymous]

This is more common than you think. I’m so happy more women AND men are being candid and funeral e regarding this feeling. Regretful parenthood is real and should be discussed More.

I hope things get better for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I thought about where to post this but think this might be the best forum. I am 46 and have a 5 year old and 11 year old. I really dislike being a mom. I love my kids. I think they are amazing but I can't stand parenting. I try hard to be patient and loving but I feel like I don't have any ability to just do whatever I want to do. I know this sounds really selfish. I get that I brought these kids into the world - they didn't have the choice. But how do I get to a better place? How do I stop resenting being a mom? I hate constantly telling them to not fight. To be kinder to each other. They don't listen and then I lose my cool.

My husband is angry that I don't spend more time volunteering at their schools, playing board games with them and getting more involved with their activities. I don't know how to do as much as he does - I simply don't care. I hate board games. I spent 3 hours volunteering at their field day and I wanted to poke my eyes out.

It's getting to a place where I just want to run away. I feel like any effort I make is not enough. Is this normal or do most moms love being a mom? I really regret a lot of my decisions in life. I just can't wait for them to grow up so I have the freedom to do what I want to do. Jeez, I sound like a horrible person.

Yes, you are. Also, you could be an NPD person.

She is not horrible. Modern motherhood sucks. You are expected to do it all. Many people do not have families nearby to help. Women are expected to do it all: work and be the perfect mom. It sucks. Men have not adapted to women being breadwinners as well. It is not like the past where one's whole life was about being a mom and she was supported by doing it. Women would enjoy motherhood more if it was the way it was. Now we are expected to do everything. There is nothing normal about this. Her feelings are perfectly valid and normal for a lot of women.

Women who are doing all of this work, are still nice to their children. She is incapable of adulting. Such a low class person. She is not even doing the bare minimum of parenting. I don't think she is the breadwinner either.

[Anonymous]

My husband is the main parent. This was agreed upon before we had kids, because I don't really enjoy them, though like you, I love mine. I volunteer once a year for each of their classes. I almost never play board games with them. I watch them at their activities once a season. And if they had a recital I'd go to that, obviously.

But we have a great nanny and DH is the main parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Plenty of women feel like you do. What was so surprising hanging out with the other SAHMs was how many of them function this way. There is an entire ecosystem of competitive Alpha women trying to get the socially Beta women to be caregivers for their kids -- but the Alphas still get the social credit. Take field day for example: the choice jobs which are high social credit and low effort or mentally interesting already went to the inner political circle before you even had a chance at the sign up.

NP here. Yup, I see this at my kids’ school. This crap eventually taints the whole school because people like me who wound usually care and rise to the occasion stop doing so. Then programs and events suffer. They quality of the school suffers. I’d be happy to pull my kids out and send them elsewhere because we’re just not invested in the cliquey community. They can have it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I thought about where to post this but think this might be the best forum. I am 46 and have a 5 year old and 11 year old. I really dislike being a mom. I love my kids. I think they are amazing but I can't stand parenting. I try hard to be patient and loving but I feel like I don't have any ability to just do whatever I want to do. I know this sounds really selfish. I get that I brought these kids into the world - they didn't have the choice. But how do I get to a better place? How do I stop resenting being a mom? I hate constantly telling them to not fight. To be kinder to each other. They don't listen and then I lose my cool.

My husband is angry that I don't spend more time volunteering at their schools, playing board games with them and getting more involved with their activities. I don't know how to do as much as he does - I simply don't care. I hate board games. I spent 3 hours volunteering at their field day and I wanted to poke my eyes out.

It's getting to a place where I just want to run away. I feel like any effort I make is not enough. Is this normal or do most moms love being a mom? I really regret a lot of my decisions in life. I just can't wait for them to grow up so I have the freedom to do what I want to do. Jeez, I sound like a horrible person.

Yes, you are. Also, you could be an NPD person.

She is not horrible. Modern motherhood sucks. You are expected to do it all. Many people do not have families nearby to help. Women are expected to do it all: work and be the perfect mom. It sucks. Men have not adapted to women being breadwinners as well. It is not like the past where one's whole life was about being a mom and she was supported by doing it. Women would enjoy motherhood more if it was the way it was. Now we are expected to do everything. There is nothing normal about this. Her feelings are perfectly valid and normal for a lot of women.

+100 we don’t have the support many of our own mothers and grandmothers had. My parents just demand a lot to ensure they get the grandparent experience but don’t really offer support. Entire neighborhoods are like this, too. People keep to themselves more, especially with Covid. And in the end, as Freud always concluded, it’s all mom’s fault.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here's the thing: I did all that stuff: volunteered, played board games, played pretend, played basketball at the local playground, got in the pool and played with them even though I didn't want to. I love my kids and they were always so happy that when I did all these things with them. But guess what. They don't remember any of it. Seriously. They have vague memories of it, but you could skip it all and they'd never know. As they got older, by their young teen years, I really just couldn't get into that freezing cold pool anymore, and now they believe I'm the mom who wouldn't get in the pool. I read them books every single night of their lives until they were 12 years old and they barely rememember it. It's really sad. Just be nice, caring, loving, give them what they need. Be home for them when they're teens. Take the pressure off yourself and tell your husband to shut up.

+1

They remember very little regarding all the things you do but they will remember the blow-ups and if you were there for them. Be kind to yourself. Being a mom sucks sometimes but we're ll doing our best. OP, Volunteering isn't important but try to introduce them to things that you like to do and try to share or engage in some of the things that they like to do. Spending time together is important.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm sorry. I have an 11 year old and a 14 year old, so I don't have to do as much of the hands-on playing as you do, but I was never good at it. I'll play sports outside, but I don't want to play video games or board games. I am terrible at pretend play.

I love my kids, but I miss being my own person and having my own life. It seems that all I do is work and parent. And my kids aren't even that hard. Add in peri-menopause and it is a recipe for not being particularly happy.

As others have said, I would try to find things you enjoy and incorporate the kids into that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think your feelings are pretty normal and I do not think you are a terrible person, at all. You are owning your mistake, it sounds like you are a good mom even if you don't enjoy it, and you are trying to find a way to make things better.

Here's the thing: you get to decide what being a "good enough mom" to your kids looks like, OP. Not your DH, not society, and not other moms. You owe your kids safety, security, and love. The rest is gravy.

Your kids are old enough that you can pull them into stuff you like to do. I hate pretend play and I hate volunteering at school/sports teams. But, I love hiking and cooking, and have gotten both of my kids into it as well.

If your DH thinks that only particular activities count as parenting, let him do those things.

Not exactly. There is a partnership in parenthood. Just like you wouldn’t support, say, a workaholic dad who completely checked out and left all the kid stuff to mom, so should we have expectations for the mom even if she regrets motherhood and doesn’t like being a mom. We are only hearing her side of things. She can’t leave it all to him, even if she can agree that the suggestions like volunteering don’t work for her. That includes quality time activities, and there needs to be a give and take so it all isn’t falling on dad - and especially if the kids are picking up on the fact that mom is regretting parenthood.

There’s a lot we don’t know about the real family dynamics going on here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is more common than you think. I’m so happy more women AND men are being candid and funeral e regarding this feeling. Regretful parenthood is real and should be discussed More.

I hope things get better for you.

+1 Lots of us are out here OP. We just do the best we can on any given day. Then start over the next day.

[Anonymous]

OP you remind me of someone I used to work with. She clearly hated being a mother and she absolutely lived for the one week each year when she could go to JazzFest in NOLA and live like she was a 20 year old. Her child was nothing but a noose around her neck. It was sad to witness.