If you were beaten as a child….

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Am I the only one who reads this and thinks that spanking rarely is okay? I was spanked a few times as a kid. My parents were wonderful, caring parents. I deserved it and knew I deserved it at the time. I grew up perfectly fine and am very close with my parents.

I personally have trouble controlling my children sometimes and haven't figured out a good strategy. I don't spank, but talking to them and taking away things absolutely doesn't work. They're little and the oldest is 5. The oldest is very grumpy and rolls her eyes and is pretty disrespectful (thanks to public school for teaching her that this year!)

No lots of oriole think spanking is okay. I 100% disagree but it’s a common opinion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Am I the only one who reads this and thinks that spanking rarely is okay? I was spanked a few times as a kid. My parents were wonderful, caring parents. I deserved it and knew I deserved it at the time. I grew up perfectly fine and am very close with my parents.

I personally have trouble controlling my children sometimes and haven't figured out a good strategy. I don't spank, but talking to them and taking away things absolutely doesn't work. They're little and the oldest is 5. The oldest is very grumpy and rolls her eyes and is pretty disrespectful (thanks to public school for teaching her that this year!)

You might have done something wrong; you might have been acting out (because you’re a child), but I would disagree that any child ever “deserves” to be hit.

[Anonymous]

OP I am in therapy to get help with emotional regulation and it’s amazing!! It’s a DBT-based coaching thing (by a real psychologist, not a life coach [no offense to life coaches]).

I wasn’t beaten as a child but my mom yelled to the point that it was abusive. When the kids were younger I never yelled but I certainly got extremely frustrated and it negatively impacted them. Now I am much more even-keeled and it has had a wonderful impact on the family.

Good luck, no matter what happens. Generational trauma is a b**ch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I'm a man who was raised in the 60s and 70s. Spanking was the go-to punishment for my parents. I thought for a long time this was just standard parenting. But since I had my own kids I have lost a lot of respect for my own parents. I now strongly believe that if you hit your kids, you have failed as a parent.

I have never seen any need whatsoever to hit my kids. Not hard at all to avoid it. I have never felt rage or extreme anger or the urge to hit my kids. Maybe I'm just lucky and have exceptionally good kids? Whatever the case, it is inconceivable to me that I'd hit them. (They are now well past the age for it anyway.)

You're lucky you never felt rage toward your kids. I have.

I was talking about how to effectively parent my challenging child with my sibling, who grew up getting spanked a lot more than I did. He said he was a pure a*hole who just didn't know any better until his late teen years. He had no advice for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I'm a man who was raised in the 60s and 70s. Spanking was the go-to punishment for my parents. I thought for a long time this was just standard parenting. But since I had my own kids I have lost a lot of respect for my own parents. I now strongly believe that if you hit your kids, you have failed as a parent.

I have never seen any need whatsoever to hit my kids. Not hard at all to avoid it. I have never felt rage or extreme anger or the urge to hit my kids. Maybe I'm just lucky and have exceptionally good kids? Whatever the case, it is inconceivable to me that I'd hit them. (They are now well past the age for it anyway.)

You're lucky you never felt rage toward your kids. I have.

I was talking about how to effectively parent my challenging child with my sibling, who grew up getting spanked a lot more than I did. He said he was a pure a*hole who just didn't know any better until his late teen years. He had no advice for me.

Of course he had no advice for you -- your parents just hit him instead of trying to get to the root of why he was a "put a*hole" so your brother grew up just kind of assuming there is something inherently wrong with him. It is unsurprising he has not real insight now. Your parents gave up on him.

I get feeling rage towards your kids but as a parent you have to understand that the rage is always, 100% YOUR feeling to deal with. You cannot make the rage go away by hitting your kids. It might frighten them into being obedient, but it won't do anything about the provocation.

You need to go to therapy. Parenting coaching can help too. The worst thing you can do as a parent is simply give up on them. That's what hitting them is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I'm a man who was raised in the 60s and 70s. Spanking was the go-to punishment for my parents. I thought for a long time this was just standard parenting. But since I had my own kids I have lost a lot of respect for my own parents. I now strongly believe that if you hit your kids, you have failed as a parent.

I have never seen any need whatsoever to hit my kids. Not hard at all to avoid it. I have never felt rage or extreme anger or the urge to hit my kids. Maybe I'm just lucky and have exceptionally good kids? Whatever the case, it is inconceivable to me that I'd hit them. (They are now well past the age for it anyway.)

You're lucky you never felt rage toward your kids. I have.

I was talking about how to effectively parent my challenging child with my sibling, who grew up getting spanked a lot more than I did. He said he was a pure a*hole who just didn't know any better until his late teen years. He had no advice for me.

Is it possible that your brother was an "a*hole" because of how he was treated? I'm not just talking about "spankings". I think whichever parent abused your brother had no patience or tender feeling for him and took any opportunity to hurt him and justify it by labelling him as a bad kid. My parents were each abusive in their own ways and I observed at the time that my dad was roughest on my eldest brother and my mom was harshest on me. You seem hesitant to accuse your parents of abuse, by where do you suppose your rage comes from? I know I was affected not only by being beaten, but from witnessing my siblings being abused, as well. Please consider working on your rage feelings toward your kids. I promise they do nothing to deserve it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here’s the deal. I am Black American. In my “culture” spankings and beatings are the norm. I still do not do it and know it is wrong. I was spanked and don’t want that for my kids. I don’t care that it is acceptable in other cultures. Female genitalia mutilation is acceptable in some cultures, but we are pretty comfortable blanket deciding that practice is wrong right? What about child brides? Some cultures find that practice acceptable. IMO this is an issue where there is a clear right side and wrong side.


Would you hit an adult who defies you or pisses you off in some way? And have that be an acceptable course of action with that person where they would be expected to continue having a normal relationship with you after being hit? If it is not ok, why are you claiming it is acceptable in any way to beat kids?

Oh please. Would you take a toy from an adult as punishment. Would you ask an adult to sit in a corner for a few minutes as punishment? Would you call an adult's mother if they misbehave at work?

I don't spank, but this rationale of treating kids as adults would categorize most forms of punishment as wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here’s the deal. I am Black American. In my “culture” spankings and beatings are the norm. I still do not do it and know it is wrong. I was spanked and don’t want that for my kids. I don’t care that it is acceptable in other cultures. Female genitalia mutilation is acceptable in some cultures, but we are pretty comfortable blanket deciding that practice is wrong right? What about child brides? Some cultures find that practice acceptable. IMO this is an issue where there is a clear right side and wrong side.


Would you hit an adult who defies you or pisses you off in some way? And have that be an acceptable course of action with that person where they would be expected to continue having a normal relationship with you after being hit? If it is not ok, why are you claiming it is acceptable in any way to beat kids?

Oh please. Would you take a toy from an adult as punishment. Would you ask an adult to sit in a corner for a few minutes as punishment? Would you call an adult's mother if they misbehave at work?

I don't spank, but this rationale of treating kids as adults would categorize most forms of punishment as wrong.[/quote]


Dp. Ding! Ding! Ding! There are better ways to bring up your kids. Remember: you're raising them to be adults!

[Anonymous]

In case it's helpful to anyone, Jen Lumanlan runs this "taming your triggers" course that I've heard good things about. I haven't done it myself but I took her other course and it was helpful. I work in the mental health field and would say my first response to op is I'm so sorry you experienced that as a child, and it's not your fault that you struggle with this - it's so so hard to break patterns and it sounds like you're doing a great job. and the number one first thing I'd recommend if you can get access is EMDR therapy. it sounds kind of weird, but it works really well. DBT to follow up and gain some skills like another poster mentioned would be awesome too (many therapists trained in EMDR will be trained in DBT too).

But if therapy is hard to access or out of range for whatever reason, https://yourparentingmojo.com/tamingyourtriggers/ this might be a decent alternative. It won't address the trauma you've experienced necessarily but I think helps to respond to it. It's not open right now but she opens it pretty frequently so you can sign up for updates.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Is it possible that your brother was an "a*hole" because of how he was treated? I'm not just talking about "spankings". I think whichever parent abused your brother had no patience or tender feeling for him and took any opportunity to hurt him and justify it by labelling him as a bad kid. My parents were each abusive in their own ways and I observed at the time that my dad was roughest on my eldest brother and my mom was harshest on me. You seem hesitant to accuse your parents of abuse, by where do you suppose your rage comes from? I know I was affected not only by being beaten, but from witnessing my siblings being abused, as well. Please consider working on your rage feelings toward your kids. I promise they do nothing to deserve it.

I know why I was an a**hole and got punished harder as a kid - it's because my sister was the Golden Child who could do no wrong and I was the Scapegoat who could do no right. I always felt that my parents were teamed up with my sister and against me, which made me resent my sister and be an a**hole to her, which led to me getting punished, which increased my resentment, and so on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here’s the deal. I am Black American. In my “culture” spankings and beatings are the norm. I still do not do it and know it is wrong. I was spanked and don’t want that for my kids. I don’t care that it is acceptable in other cultures. Female genitalia mutilation is acceptable in some cultures, but we are pretty comfortable blanket deciding that practice is wrong right? What about child brides? Some cultures find that practice acceptable. IMO this is an issue where there is a clear right side and wrong side.


Would you hit an adult who defies you or pisses you off in some way? And have that be an acceptable course of action with that person where they would be expected to continue having a normal relationship with you after being hit? If it is not ok, why are you claiming it is acceptable in any way to beat kids?

Oh please. Would you take a toy from an adult as punishment. Would you ask an adult to sit in a corner for a few minutes as punishment? Would you call an adult's mother if they misbehave at work?

I don't spank, but this rationale of treating kids as adults would categorize most forms of punishment as wrong.[/quote]


Dp. Ding! Ding! Ding! There are better ways to bring up your kids. Remember: you're raising them to be adults!

OK. Real life scenario: 4 year old smacks 5 year old sister repeatedly. You ask him to leave and call the cops?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here’s the deal. I am Black American. In my “culture” spankings and beatings are the norm. I still do not do it and know it is wrong. I was spanked and don’t want that for my kids. I don’t care that it is acceptable in other cultures. Female genitalia mutilation is acceptable in some cultures, but we are pretty comfortable blanket deciding that practice is wrong right? What about child brides? Some cultures find that practice acceptable. IMO this is an issue where there is a clear right side and wrong side.


Would you hit an adult who defies you or pisses you off in some way? And have that be an acceptable course of action with that person where they would be expected to continue having a normal relationship with you after being hit? If it is not ok, why are you claiming it is acceptable in any way to beat kids?

Oh please. Would you take a toy from an adult as punishment. Would you ask an adult to sit in a corner for a few minutes as punishment? Would you call an adult's mother if they misbehave at work?

I don't spank, but this rationale of treating kids as adults would categorize most forms of punishment as wrong.

It would depend on the cognitive capacities of the adult. If an adult I was in charge of caring for was using his toy to hit people or something I would absolutely take it away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Am I the only one who reads this and thinks that spanking rarely is okay? I was spanked a few times as a kid. My parents were wonderful, caring parents. I deserved it and knew I deserved it at the time. I grew up perfectly fine and am very close with my parents.

I personally have trouble controlling my children sometimes and haven't figured out a good strategy. I don't spank, but talking to them and taking away things absolutely doesn't work. They're little and the oldest is 5. The oldest is very grumpy and rolls her eyes and is pretty disrespectful (thanks to public school for teaching her that this year!)

I agree with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here’s the deal. I am Black American. In my “culture” spankings and beatings are the norm. I still do not do it and know it is wrong. I was spanked and don’t want that for my kids. I don’t care that it is acceptable in other cultures. Female genitalia mutilation is acceptable in some cultures, but we are pretty comfortable blanket deciding that practice is wrong right? What about child brides? Some cultures find that practice acceptable. IMO this is an issue where there is a clear right side and wrong side.


Would you hit an adult who defies you or pisses you off in some way? And have that be an acceptable course of action with that person where they would be expected to continue having a normal relationship with you after being hit? If it is not ok, why are you claiming it is acceptable in any way to beat kids?

Oh please. Would you take a toy from an adult as punishment. Would you ask an adult to sit in a corner for a few minutes as punishment? Would you call an adult's mother if they misbehave at work?

I don't spank, but this rationale of treating kids as adults would categorize most forms of punishment as wrong.[/quote]


Dp. Ding! Ding! Ding! There are better ways to bring up your kids. Remember: you're raising them to be adults!

OK. Real life scenario: 4 year old smacks 5 year old sister repeatedly. You ask him to leave and call the cops?

You talk to him and ask him to explain why he is hitting. You listen and then respond by talking it out. Is there really more to it than hitting his sister? Does he also not listen to you if you firmly say stop and start a discussion?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Am I the only one who reads this and thinks that spanking rarely is okay? I was spanked a few times as a kid. My parents were wonderful, caring parents. I deserved it and knew I deserved it at the time. I grew up perfectly fine and am very close with my parents.

I personally have trouble controlling my children sometimes and haven't figured out a good strategy. I don't spank, but talking to them and taking away things absolutely doesn't work. They're little and the oldest is 5. The oldest is very grumpy and rolls her eyes and is pretty disrespectful (thanks to public school for teaching her that this year!)

What are you doing to address the behavior? Stop blaming public school and address the behavior - time outs, send to room, no electronics, etc. and be very consistent.