If you were beaten as a child….

[Anonymous]

I was spanked as a child and am not bothered by spanking for extreme deliberate disobedience. But I did babysit for a family and the son punched his mom in the nose when he had to clean up. So she spanked him. BUT she literally tapped him on the butt and he did a fake cry. I think people are completely over reacting with "spanking". Her 3 taps were so light I honestly was confused why he was crying. I think just the act of spanking or bending him over triggers something. Afterwards it's like he felt a shame for doing that where he goes "i'm so sorry mommy for punching you b/c I couldn't have my toys". It amazed me b/c I'm like if he were not disobeying then her taps wouldn't mean anything in that moment to him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Am I the only one who reads this and thinks that spanking rarely is okay? I was spanked a few times as a kid. My parents were wonderful, caring parents. I deserved it and knew I deserved it at the time. I grew up perfectly fine and am very close with my parents.

I personally have trouble controlling my children sometimes and haven't figured out a good strategy. I don't spank, but talking to them and taking away things absolutely doesn't work. They're little and the oldest is 5. The oldest is very grumpy and rolls her eyes and is pretty disrespectful (thanks to public school for teaching her that this year!)

What are you doing to address the behavior? Stop blaming public school and address the behavior - time outs, send to room, no electronics, etc. and be very consistent.

The PP is right. That stuff sometimes doesn't work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:….how do you manage not repeating this with you own kids?

FTR I don’t hit my kids. But I will admit to sometimes being so filled with rage when they are being especially difficult that I get overwhelmed with the urge to do what I experienced as a kid. I always manage to fight it off but it is hard. Harder than I think it should be.

Anyone else in similar shoes? If you were beaten (whatever your own definition of corporal punishment is and your own line of what’s acceptable) do you have a hard time avoiding a repeat of the past?

I was spanked as a child. Probably 3 times. However, my parents were never in rage when spanking me. Usually, we would have a long conversation beforehand about what I did. I remember one night we had a long conversation at the table and I thought I was getting spanked that night, but my dad said they were too upset so we would postpone for the next day. Honestly, the worst part about spanking in my experiences was the long conversation before and after you got spanked. I always felt an embarrassment of how what I did was just so wrong. My spankings were always for serious offenses. I don't think I will spank my kids, but I wonder how I can get my children to have remorse about doing super wrong things. The one distinct spanking I remember was that in elementary school I stole one of my tests from a teacher so they couldn't report my grade and lied about it until one of my friends finally told the truth. It had gone on for weeks and I had lied in so many ways I started forgetting my lies. Today I wouldn't spank my child b/c of how society views spanking and because I am an extremely soft person. I think if I got spanked for random stuff here and there I would resent my parents.

[Anonymous]

People are seriously overreacting about spanking. This thread if full of bullies and Permissive parents.

I bet many of you would be ok with your teens drinking under age or smoking weed. "as long as they are doing it at home"

Same as sex. "Just get her on birth control" "I don't know if he's doing it but buy him condoms"

You people are ridiculous. That's why so many kids don't respect their parents. No boundaries. No respect. No love.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Is it possible that your brother was an "a*hole" because of how he was treated? I'm not just talking about "spankings". I think whichever parent abused your brother had no patience or tender feeling for him and took any opportunity to hurt him and justify it by labelling him as a bad kid. My parents were each abusive in their own ways and I observed at the time that my dad was roughest on my eldest brother and my mom was harshest on me. You seem hesitant to accuse your parents of abuse, by where do you suppose your rage comes from? I know I was affected not only by being beaten, but from witnessing my siblings being abused, as well. Please consider working on your rage feelings toward your kids. I promise they do nothing to deserve it.

I know why I was an a**hole and got punished harder as a kid - it's because my sister was the Golden Child who could do no wrong and I was the Scapegoat who could do no right. I always felt that my parents were teamed up with my sister and against me, which made me resent my sister and be an a**hole to her, which led to me getting punished, which increased my resentment, and so on.

I'm sorry that happened to you. Children aren't born aholes, they act that way for a reason. My eldest sister was the golden child and never got beaten. There was a time I was with her and couldn't have done something which enraged my dad. I was whipped with a belt and she didn't tell him I was innocent. My skinned swelled so much, it split and I bled. I was 9. I have never and will never spank or otherwise assault my kids. I don't view them as anything other than children, who are to be treated gently and with love. I hope you treat your kids gently, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
People are seriously overreacting about spanking. This thread if full of bullies and Permissive parents.

I bet many of you would be ok with your teens drinking under age or smoking weed. "as long as they are doing it at home"

Same as sex. "Just get her on birth control" "I don't know if he's doing it but buy him condoms"

You people are ridiculous. That's why so many kids don't respect their parents. No boundaries. No respect. No love.

You hit the nail on the head. There are wayyyyyyyyyy too many bad and entitled kids. I don't care if you don't spank or spank. If your kids have no respect for authority it's a problem. It's obvious time out and taking toys and phones doesn't always work for out of control kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Is it possible that your brother was an "a*hole" because of how he was treated? I'm not just talking about "spankings". I think whichever parent abused your brother had no patience or tender feeling for him and took any opportunity to hurt him and justify it by labelling him as a bad kid. My parents were each abusive in their own ways and I observed at the time that my dad was roughest on my eldest brother and my mom was harshest on me. You seem hesitant to accuse your parents of abuse, by where do you suppose your rage comes from? I know I was affected not only by being beaten, but from witnessing my siblings being abused, as well. Please consider working on your rage feelings toward your kids. I promise they do nothing to deserve it.

I know why I was an a**hole and got punished harder as a kid - it's because my sister was the Golden Child who could do no wrong and I was the Scapegoat who could do no right. I always felt that my parents were teamed up with my sister and against me, which made me resent my sister and be an a**hole to her, which led to me getting punished, which increased my resentment, and so on.

I'm sorry that happened to you. Children aren't born aholes, they act that way for a reason. My eldest sister was the golden child and never got beaten. There was a time I was with her and couldn't have done something which enraged my dad. I was whipped with a belt and she didn't tell him I was innocent. My skinned swelled so much, it split and I bled. I was 9. I have never and will never spank or otherwise assault my kids. I don't view them as anything other than children, who are to be treated gently and with love. I hope you treat your kids gently, too.

I'm a different poster. I think it's fine to do what you want, but some kids are born aholes. Like why are some kids doing super disrespectful things?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
People are seriously overreacting about spanking. This thread if full of bullies and Permissive parents.

I bet many of you would be ok with your teens drinking under age or smoking weed. "as long as they are doing it at home"

Same as sex. "Just get her on birth control" "I don't know if he's doing it but buy him condoms"

You people are ridiculous. That's why so many kids don't respect their parents. No boundaries. No respect. No love.

One doesn't have anything to do with the other. The idea that refusing to *hit your children* means that you are fine with them drinking, doing drugs, and having sex whenever is absurd, and is just the kind of slippery slope argument that child abusers have been using for decades to justify hitting their kids. You can have rules and set limits, and raise kids who respect you and love you, without hitting them. My parents spanked us and it's one of several reasons why I don't respect them now. I followed their rules when I was a kid because I didn't want to get hit. But as soon as the risk of being hit ended, I stopped following their rules. I also started drinking my senior year of high school, after abstaining for years, simply because I was so tired of my parents hitting me and distrusting for most of my adolescence that I figured, why not? Spanking does not lead to love or respect.

I agree with the PP who said that if you are resorting to hitting your kids as a form of discipline, you've failed as a parent. You always have other options.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
People are seriously overreacting about spanking. This thread if full of bullies and Permissive parents.

I bet many of you would be ok with your teens drinking under age or smoking weed. "as long as they are doing it at home"

Same as sex. "Just get her on birth control" "I don't know if he's doing it but buy him condoms"

You people are ridiculous. That's why so many kids don't respect their parents. No boundaries. No respect. No love.

One doesn't have anything to do with the other. The idea that refusing to *hit your children* means that you are fine with them drinking, doing drugs, and having sex whenever is absurd, and is just the kind of slippery slope argument that child abusers have been using for decades to justify hitting their kids. You can have rules and set limits, and raise kids who respect you and love you, without hitting them. My parents spanked us and it's one of several reasons why I don't respect them now. I followed their rules when I was a kid because I didn't want to get hit. But as soon as the risk of being hit ended, I stopped following their rules. I also started drinking my senior year of high school, after abstaining for years, simply because I was so tired of my parents hitting me and distrusting for most of my adolescence that I figured, why not? Spanking does not lead to love or respect.

I agree with the PP who said that if you are resorting to hitting your kids as a form of discipline, you've failed as a parent. You always have other options.

Okay just because YOUR parents abused YOU does not mean that other people that were spanked believe their parents are horrible people or failed as a parent. I love my parents and had an amazing childhood and I was spanked. I talk to my mom several times a day and my dad about every other. Do what works for YOU and stop judging other people for your shitty childhood. My mother didn't get spanked as a child and her mom was definitely a crap mom. Stop projecting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Am I the only one who reads this and thinks that spanking rarely is okay? I was spanked a few times as a kid. My parents were wonderful, caring parents. I deserved it and knew I deserved it at the time. I grew up perfectly fine and am very close with my parents.

I personally have trouble controlling my children sometimes and haven't figured out a good strategy. I don't spank, but talking to them and taking away things absolutely doesn't work. They're little and the oldest is 5. The oldest is very grumpy and rolls her eyes and is pretty disrespectful (thanks to public school for teaching her that this year!)

What are you doing to address the behavior? Stop blaming public school and address the behavior - time outs, send to room, no electronics, etc. and be very consistent.

The PP is right. That stuff sometimes doesn't work.

If it doesn't work, your child has either special needs that need to be addressed or you are not being consistent enough and you are just as much the problem as the child. If your kid is disrespectful, you address it and give a warning. If it continues, give a consequence. Its not going to be effective overnight and takes time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Is it possible that your brother was an "a*hole" because of how he was treated? I'm not just talking about "spankings". I think whichever parent abused your brother had no patience or tender feeling for him and took any opportunity to hurt him and justify it by labelling him as a bad kid. My parents were each abusive in their own ways and I observed at the time that my dad was roughest on my eldest brother and my mom was harshest on me. You seem hesitant to accuse your parents of abuse, by where do you suppose your rage comes from? I know I was affected not only by being beaten, but from witnessing my siblings being abused, as well. Please consider working on your rage feelings toward your kids. I promise they do nothing to deserve it.

I know why I was an a**hole and got punished harder as a kid - it's because my sister was the Golden Child who could do no wrong and I was the Scapegoat who could do no right. I always felt that my parents were teamed up with my sister and against me, which made me resent my sister and be an a**hole to her, which led to me getting punished, which increased my resentment, and so on.

I'm sorry that happened to you. Children aren't born aholes, they act that way for a reason. My eldest sister was the golden child and never got beaten. There was a time I was with her and couldn't have done something which enraged my dad. I was whipped with a belt and she didn't tell him I was innocent. My skinned swelled so much, it split and I bled. I was 9. I have never and will never spank or otherwise assault my kids. I don't view them as anything other than children, who are to be treated gently and with love. I hope you treat your kids gently, too.

I'm a different poster. I think it's fine to do what you want, but some kids are born aholes. Like why are some kids doing super disrespectful things?

Many people consider certain developmentally normal behavior from kids as "super disrespectful" because of their own issues. Like sometimes kids will break rules or do things they know will annoy their parents, on purpose, just to see what will happen. This isn't "disrespectful" unless you define respect as a child who always does exactly what they've been told, 100% of the time. That's not developmentally appropriate for children and childhood and adolescence are largely about using trial and error to learn about the world in a relatively safe environment. Kids who do stuff like this are not a*holes, they are just kids. And when they do it, it's a terrific opportunity to provide them with natural consequences for risky, rude, or inappropriate behavior, and to talk to them about why that behavior will cause problems down the road. All of which you can do without hitting them. This is literally what parenting is.

But if you just hit or ignore kids in this stage instead of, you know, parenting and teaching them, then they will keep engaging in sometimes escalating bad behavior. Maybe they become nihilists who figure "I can't do right so I might as well enjoy doing wrong," maybe they are testing the absolute limit of your relationship with them to see what will push you to throw them out or say you hate them (because at least then they'll know instead of living in fear of that moment), maybe they are just so freaking confused about what it even means to make good choices because they see their parents consistently raging and hitting in a way that is deemed fine and justified within their family, but when they do the same they are punished.

No kid is a born a*hole. I know that's hard to hear, but kids get that way through experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
People are seriously overreacting about spanking. This thread if full of bullies and Permissive parents.

I bet many of you would be ok with your teens drinking under age or smoking weed. "as long as they are doing it at home"

Same as sex. "Just get her on birth control" "I don't know if he's doing it but buy him condoms"

You people are ridiculous. That's why so many kids don't respect their parents. No boundaries. No respect. No love.

You hit the nail on the head. There are wayyyyyyyyyy too many bad and entitled kids. I don't care if you don't spank or spank. If your kids have no respect for authority it's a problem. It's obvious time out and taking toys and phones doesn't always work for out of control kids.

Hitting a kid who is out of control rarely works except to instill fear. Usually if your kids are that out of control, you failed early on or they have some kind of special needs and you all need to get help from it. You also need to monitor your kids, supervise them better - enough with the free range, trust but always verify, etc. When you wait too long and they are teens its too late.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
People are seriously overreacting about spanking. This thread if full of bullies and Permissive parents.

I bet many of you would be ok with your teens drinking under age or smoking weed. "as long as they are doing it at home"

Same as sex. "Just get her on birth control" "I don't know if he's doing it but buy him condoms"

You people are ridiculous. That's why so many kids don't respect their parents. No boundaries. No respect. No love.

One doesn't have anything to do with the other. The idea that refusing to *hit your children* means that you are fine with them drinking, doing drugs, and having sex whenever is absurd, and is just the kind of slippery slope argument that child abusers have been using for decades to justify hitting their kids. You can have rules and set limits, and raise kids who respect you and love you, without hitting them. My parents spanked us and it's one of several reasons why I don't respect them now. I followed their rules when I was a kid because I didn't want to get hit. But as soon as the risk of being hit ended, I stopped following their rules. I also started drinking my senior year of high school, after abstaining for years, simply because I was so tired of my parents hitting me and distrusting for most of my adolescence that I figured, why not? Spanking does not lead to love or respect.

I agree with the PP who said that if you are resorting to hitting your kids as a form of discipline, you've failed as a parent. You always have other options.

Okay just because YOUR parents abused YOU does not mean that other people that were spanked believe their parents are horrible people or failed as a parent. I love my parents and had an amazing childhood and I was spanked. I talk to my mom several times a day and my dad about every other. Do what works for YOU and stop judging other people for your shitty childhood. My mother didn't get spanked as a child and her mom was definitely a crap mom. Stop projecting.

Not projecting, just stating a deeply held personal belief. You should not hit your kids. There are other (and universally better) ways of disciplining children or enforcing boundaries. I will die on this hill.

Yes there are lots of ways to be a crappy parent and not all parents who spank are universally bad. But spankign is universally bad. It's wrong. You are hurting a child, on purpose. There is simply no justification.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
People are seriously overreacting about spanking. This thread if full of bullies and Permissive parents.

I bet many of you would be ok with your teens drinking under age or smoking weed. "as long as they are doing it at home"

Same as sex. "Just get her on birth control" "I don't know if he's doing it but buy him condoms"

You people are ridiculous. That's why so many kids don't respect their parents. No boundaries. No respect. No love.

One doesn't have anything to do with the other. The idea that refusing to *hit your children* means that you are fine with them drinking, doing drugs, and having sex whenever is absurd, and is just the kind of slippery slope argument that child abusers have been using for decades to justify hitting their kids. You can have rules and set limits, and raise kids who respect you and love you, without hitting them. My parents spanked us and it's one of several reasons why I don't respect them now. I followed their rules when I was a kid because I didn't want to get hit. But as soon as the risk of being hit ended, I stopped following their rules. I also started drinking my senior year of high school, after abstaining for years, simply because I was so tired of my parents hitting me and distrusting for most of my adolescence that I figured, why not? Spanking does not lead to love or respect.

I agree with the PP who said that if you are resorting to hitting your kids as a form of discipline, you've failed as a parent. You always have other options.

Okay just because YOUR parents abused YOU does not mean that other people that were spanked believe their parents are horrible people or failed as a parent. I love my parents and had an amazing childhood and I was spanked. I talk to my mom several times a day and my dad about every other. Do what works for YOU and stop judging other people for your shitty childhood. My mother didn't get spanked as a child and her mom was definitely a crap mom. Stop projecting.

I agree.

My mom spanked me and I love her to death!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Is it possible that your brother was an "a*hole" because of how he was treated? I'm not just talking about "spankings". I think whichever parent abused your brother had no patience or tender feeling for him and took any opportunity to hurt him and justify it by labelling him as a bad kid. My parents were each abusive in their own ways and I observed at the time that my dad was roughest on my eldest brother and my mom was harshest on me. You seem hesitant to accuse your parents of abuse, by where do you suppose your rage comes from? I know I was affected not only by being beaten, but from witnessing my siblings being abused, as well. Please consider working on your rage feelings toward your kids. I promise they do nothing to deserve it.

I know why I was an a**hole and got punished harder as a kid - it's because my sister was the Golden Child who could do no wrong and I was the Scapegoat who could do no right. I always felt that my parents were teamed up with my sister and against me, which made me resent my sister and be an a**hole to her, which led to me getting punished, which increased my resentment, and so on.

I'm sorry that happened to you. Children aren't born aholes, they act that way for a reason. My eldest sister was the golden child and never got beaten. There was a time I was with her and couldn't have done something which enraged my dad. I was whipped with a belt and she didn't tell him I was innocent. My skinned swelled so much, it split and I bled. I was 9. I have never and will never spank or otherwise assault my kids. I don't view them as anything other than children, who are to be treated gently and with love. I hope you treat your kids gently, too.

I'm a different poster. I think it's fine to do what you want, but some kids are born aholes. Like why are some kids doing super disrespectful things?

Which kids? When mine were young, I had age appropriate expectations for their behavior. I was "spanked" and I can assure you the only benefit that gave me was a simmering rage, a quickness to violence and the knowledge that I could withstand a beating. Considering that we live in a civilized society and not in the hunger games, those skills only brought trouble.