If you were beaten as a child….

[Anonymous]

Question for OP: what exactly did they do to you? To answer, I am not sure if it was hard or not but it never happened in 10 years of parenting so far.

There is just a line.

Well, I explain to the kids that if they are doing something that will get themselves or a sibling killed then spanking will be an option for me. Somehow, the threat of a spank -- but not becoming deceased -- is a deterrent. Examples are running in front of a moving bus or climbing on top of a roof. You can tell I have only boys!!!

[Anonymous]

Here’s the deal. I am Black American. In my “culture” spankings and beatings are the norm. I still do not do it and know it is wrong. I was spanked and don’t want that for my kids. I don’t care that it is acceptable in other cultures. Female genitalia mutilation is acceptable in some cultures, but we are pretty comfortable blanket deciding that practice is wrong right? What about child brides? Some cultures find that practice acceptable. IMO this is an issue where there is a clear right side and wrong side.


Would you hit an adult who defies you or pisses you off in some way? And have that be an acceptable course of action with that person where they would be expected to continue having a normal relationship with you after being hit? If it is not ok, why are you claiming it is acceptable in any way to beat kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here’s the deal. I am Black American. In my “culture” spankings and beatings are the norm. I still do not do it and know it is wrong. I was spanked and don’t want that for my kids. I don’t care that it is acceptable in other cultures. Female genitalia mutilation is acceptable in some cultures, but we are pretty comfortable blanket deciding that practice is wrong right? What about child brides? Some cultures find that practice acceptable. IMO this is an issue where there is a clear right side and wrong side.

Would you hit an adult who defies you or pisses you off in some way? And have that be an acceptable course of action with that person where they would be expected to continue having a normal relationship with you after being hit? If it is not ok, why are you claiming it is acceptable in any way to beat kids?

I really appreciate this post. Thank you for sharing your perspective.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here’s the deal. I am Black American. In my “culture” spankings and beatings are the norm. I still do not do it and know it is wrong. I was spanked and don’t want that for my kids. I don’t care that it is acceptable in other cultures. Female genitalia mutilation is acceptable in some cultures, but we are pretty comfortable blanket deciding that practice is wrong right? What about child brides? Some cultures find that practice acceptable. IMO this is an issue where there is a clear right side and wrong side.


Would you hit an adult who defies you or pisses you off in some way? And have that be an acceptable course of action with that person where they would be expected to continue having a normal relationship with you after being hit? If it is not ok, why are you claiming it is acceptable in any way to beat kids?

A terrible effect on me from being beaten by my parents as a child was that, as a teenager, I was in a physically abusive relationship. I knew from experience that someone who loves you can hit you and that's life. Thankfully, I never put up with abuse after that and my children have been treated with patience, kindness and love.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Question for OP: what exactly did they do to you? To answer, I am not sure if it was hard or not but it never happened in 10 years of parenting so far.

There is just a line.

Well, I explain to the kids that if they are doing something that will get themselves or a sibling killed then spanking will be an option for me. Somehow, the threat of a spank -- but not becoming deceased -- is a deterrent. Examples are running in front of a moving bus or climbing on top of a roof. You can tell I have only boys!!!

Hi, OP here.

It was a lot of spanking, slaps across the face, upside the head, belt beatings (forceful at that), hair pulling, ear pulling. When I was 5 or so, I ran into the street and as a punishment, my mom wrapped my long hair around my sisters stroller and made me walk home like that. As a teenager, I have a distinct memory of my mom grabbing me by the hair and knocking my head into a wall (no unconscious but again, forceful). But man that rage is imprinted on me. By

A lot of it is fuzzy 30+ years later but I get flashes of my mother when I struggle with my own kids. I can practically hear her voice coming out of my mouth (and oftentimes the words as well). I don’t think I actually hated my mother until I had my own and couldn’t believe how she could treat a child so small.

And like some PPs, I come from a culture where spanking was normal. A few of my peers from the same community do smaller versions of punishment (ear pulling comes to mind). My peers and I sometimes marvel that some of our parents behavior wasnt always in a fit of rage. (“Go to your room, strip down and bring the belt with you”. - like what). My grandfather was an abusive, terrible man (but I think to his wife not kids). I know a lot of my moms behavior must come from what she saw as a child.

This was my experience and I know it’s better than some and worse than others. Everyone has their line and maybe it changes. I didn’t think much of it - and probably made light of it for a long time - but the feeling and emotional memory has gotten dredged up with my own kids.

Anyway, thanks to everyone sharing their own experience. And kudos to those who can rise above it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have an anger mgmt problem I inherited from my abusive father. I try SO hard to not let it get the best of me w my own kids but sometimes I do fail: I yell, I lecture too much, I have on occasion called my kids brats (I have not called them anything worse than that and I have never cursed at them but even that I feel is bad enough. I feel awful about myself for ages afterward.) thank goodness I’ve never hit them or physically abused them in any way. I would never forgive myself if I did. Whenever I do mess up and say something mean or yell at them, I always apologize for it after and tell them that I love them.

Still, it’s a very hard cycle to break completely. I have to put myself in time out frequently when I get upset or I will say/do something I regret.

What kind of mean things do you say? Please stay on top of this. The cycle of verbally abusive & then apologizing can psychologically mess up a kid.

I just meant mean as in my post I said I have called them a brat before or said they are acting annoying. Nothing worse than that. (I’m not saying I think that is ok at all…I think even that is horrible. Just clarifying that I would never and have never said anything meaner than that.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was spanked for silly things by my mom and my grandmother (she partly raised me). I grew up hating both of them.

With my kids I usually start with lectures, then time outs, then take away something, and if all fails then I do a one spanking. I don't go from zero to spanking.

I think at home our kids know by now how the "process" goes so they don't push my buttons all the way....

It's a good way for me too to not lose it all at once. But, yes, it takes a lot of patience.

On occasions if they have a horrible tantrum they get a cold shower to cool things down too.

Are you crazy? You are an abuser. I’m appalled you don’t see that and talk so casually about it. You are terrible. Pray for your children, they will hate you too.

I come from a different culture where disciplining your kids is normal. We're beyond the "spanking age", my kids are now teenagers, one going to college soon, and the only thing I do is lecture them or take away their electronics.

They are amazing kids too. Well educated and well mannered. They exceed in sports and at school on their own. Not worried here!

The idea is to discipline your kids without the "rage" mentioned by other posters...

We know you are not worried which is a concern. You don’t need to have “rage” to be abusive. You are stupid.

DP. I’ll never get over the hypocrisy in posts like this. You just called someone “stupid” for suggesting that corporal punishment (which has been used throughout human history and is accepted outside white MC cultures) without rage isn’t abusive. People who shut people down like that aren’t gentle kind parents.

Np. Abusing your children is stupid.
You show your hypocrisy with slamming someone for criticizing at the same time you criticize.
If what you say is true, then you are calling yourself an unkind parent or person.

You're assuming corporal punishment automatically = abuse. That, along with saying things like "stupid" are ways of shaming the PP into agreeing with you. But the law does not recognize all corporal punishment as abuse. Many cultures and religious traditions don't either. So who are YOU to say that it does, much less call someone "stupid" or "abusive" because they disciplined their children in a manner you don't agree with? It is not hypocrisy for me to point that out because I wasn't ever claiming to be morally superior in the area of kindness.

[Anonymous]

I honestly never want to hit my kid. When I feel myself get really angry and frustrated, I remind myself of how I felt as a child when my parents used to rage at us and/or hit us, and that is enough to help me take the step back I need to calm down.

Also I know it gets maligned on these boards, but I find the "gentle parenting" stuff really helpful for stuff like this. I have written this on here before, but I actually think a lot of the gentle parenting stuff is essentially designed for people who were raised like I was, by people without the ability to regulate their own emotions who resorted to violence and yelling because it was the only parenting tool they had. When you are raised that way, you obviously don't learn emotional regulation from your parents or home life. I had to learn it myself, as an adult, in therapy and through trial and error in relationships (fun!). But becoming a parent dredges up a lot of those issues again and I find the principles of gentle parenting to be very grounding, to give me some rules of thumb for parenting, since I didn't get good rules of thumb from my own parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was spanked for silly things by my mom and my grandmother (she partly raised me). I grew up hating both of them.

With my kids I usually start with lectures, then time outs, then take away something, and if all fails then I do a one spanking. I don't go from zero to spanking.

I think at home our kids know by now how the "process" goes so they don't push my buttons all the way....

It's a good way for me too to not lose it all at once. But, yes, it takes a lot of patience.

On occasions if they have a horrible tantrum they get a cold shower to cool things down too.

NP. This is not abusive. The people on this thread have lost it. PP, don't pay attention to these posters. They want to throw stones for you about abuse while cowering behind their online anonymity to bully someone that they know nothing about. For real, don't pay attention to these people at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was spanked for silly things by my mom and my grandmother (she partly raised me). I grew up hating both of them.

With my kids I usually start with lectures, then time outs, then take away something, and if all fails then I do a one spanking. I don't go from zero to spanking.

I think at home our kids know by now how the "process" goes so they don't push my buttons all the way....

It's a good way for me too to not lose it all at once. But, yes, it takes a lot of patience.

On occasions if they have a horrible tantrum they get a cold shower to cool things down too.

NP. This is not abusive. The people on this thread have lost it. PP, don't pay attention to these posters. They want to throw stones for you about abuse while cowering behind their online anonymity to bully someone that they know nothing about. For real, don't pay attention to these people at all.

And everyone knows you should only throw stones at children to keep them in line.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have an anger mgmt problem I inherited from my abusive father. I try SO hard to not let it get the best of me w my own kids but sometimes I do fail: I yell, I lecture too much, I have on occasion called my kids brats (I have not called them anything worse than that and I have never cursed at them but even that I feel is bad enough. I feel awful about myself for ages afterward.) thank goodness I’ve never hit them or physically abused them in any way. I would never forgive myself if I did. Whenever I do mess up and say something mean or yell at them, I always apologize for it after and tell them that I love them.

Still, it’s a very hard cycle to break completely. I have to put myself in time out frequently when I get upset or I will say/do something I regret.

What kind of mean things do you say? Please stay on top of this. The cycle of verbally abusive & then apologizing can psychologically mess up a kid.

Or the kid can learn that even their parents can f--k up and are not perfect and that even adults can make mistakes and ask for forgiveness.

There are no perfect parents--spanking or not.

to answer OP--I grew up in a household where one parent believed in spanking and the other did not. I try to emulate the one who did not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Question for OP: what exactly did they do to you? To answer, I am not sure if it was hard or not but it never happened in 10 years of parenting so far.

There is just a line.

Well, I explain to the kids that if they are doing something that will get themselves or a sibling killed then spanking will be an option for me. Somehow, the threat of a spank -- but not becoming deceased -- is a deterrent. Examples are running in front of a moving bus or climbing on top of a roof. You can tell I have only boys!!!

Hi, OP here.

It was a lot of spanking, slaps across the face, upside the head, belt beatings (forceful at that), hair pulling, ear pulling. When I was 5 or so, I ran into the street and as a punishment, my mom wrapped my long hair around my sisters stroller and made me walk home like that. As a teenager, I have a distinct memory of my mom grabbing me by the hair and knocking my head into a wall (no unconscious but again, forceful). But man that rage is imprinted on me. By

A lot of it is fuzzy 30+ years later but I get flashes of my mother when I struggle with my own kids. I can practically hear her voice coming out of my mouth (and oftentimes the words as well). I don’t think I actually hated my mother until I had my own and couldn’t believe how she could treat a child so small.

And like some PPs, I come from a culture where spanking was normal. A few of my peers from the same community do smaller versions of punishment (ear pulling comes to mind). My peers and I sometimes marvel that some of our parents behavior wasnt always in a fit of rage. (“Go to your room, strip down and bring the belt with you”. - like what). My grandfather was an abusive, terrible man (but I think to his wife not kids). I know a lot of my moms behavior must come from what she saw as a child.

This was my experience and I know it’s better than some and worse than others. Everyone has their line and maybe it changes. I didn’t think much of it - and probably made light of it for a long time - but the feeling and emotional memory has gotten dredged up with my own kids.

Anyway, thanks to everyone sharing their own experience. And kudos to those who can rise above it.

Oh you suffered a lot of physical abuse that goes beyond a spanking.
I am really sorry that happened to you.

[Anonymous]

My parents beat us as children, not necessarily for discipline. It seemed mixed with their personal frustrations in life, and also their own upbringing influenced their behavior.
There seemed to be a healthy dose of sadism too - like they derived satisfaction out of hurting someone else. I can remember my heart hardening against my parents when I was being disciplined by my father with his belt. My mother sent him to do the deed. I was in first grade. It was a regular thing between them, routinely instilling fear in the kids. But unbeknownst to them, it built up a determination to leave home when it came time. College was the escape hatch.

Maybe it's because I had kids in my 30s but I never had the impulse to raise a hand at my kids. Could be because my kids are unusually well behaved. They've never really done anything to rise to the level of rage in me. I also know the outcome of abuse is fear and hatred, not a magically self-disciplined child.

I get pretty depressed now when I think about my parents - their inability to cope with stress, their poor decisions, Maybe that's one of the reasons beating my kids would never occurs to me. Not sure.

[Anonymous]

Not really because as a child I thought beating was just useless. It did not stop me from doing what I wanted to do.

Because it was useless on me, I know it will probably not work for my kids( o have one who is even more stubborn than I am). So what's the point?

I don't have rage too. I am easily annoyed, but I don't get angry easily.

[Anonymous]

I didn't do anything to get beaten. My kids don't do anything to get beaten. Not hard at all.