If you were beaten as a child….

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I got spanked as a child, and honest to goodness do not resent my mother for it. DH was also spanked growing up and he’s very close to his mom. Neither of us are violent, Andre people, and never were. We live happy, fulfilled lives. Neither of us feel like we’re emotionally damaged from our experiences.

Outside of DCUM-land, I suspect there are tons of people who feel the way we do.

And no, we don’t condone spanking as appropriate punishment.

Then you are blind to the experience of so many others who keep explaining it to you. Violence creates violence and physical punishment is not necessary in order to raise healthy and responsible human beings. Those are facts. Your anecdotes are missing the point completely.

Simmer down. I am not blind to the experience of anyone. I’m sharing my perspective, as others have shared theirs. Just like many people on here are damaged from their experience, many others (like me, like DH) are not. And did you read my last sentence? I said we don’t condone spanking as a form of punishment.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:
Enslavement has also been around through the beginning of time and only in modern times has it been unlawful.

Banning that was a mistake, too, tbh.

What the hell?!?!

Anyone else have anything to say about this?

I reported it, as you should've done when you saw it.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I was spanked for silly things by my mom and my grandmother (she partly raised me). I grew up hating both of them.

With my kids I usually start with lectures, then time outs, then take away something, and if all fails then I do a one spanking. I don't go from zero to spanking.

I think at home our kids know by now how the "process" goes so they don't push my buttons all the way....

It's a good way for me too to not lose it all at once. But, yes, it takes a lot of patience.

On occasions if they have a horrible tantrum they get a cold shower to cool things down too.

You're abusive.

No they are not.

The bizarre punishment of forcing a kid into a cold shower most definitely is abusive. See also: being made to kneel for hours, "washing" a mouth with soap, putting cayenne pepper on a child's tongue, etc.

I apologize. I completely missed the shower part and yeah that's disturbing and scary. I retract my statement.

There are some kids who will rage and rage and turn violent towards the rest of the family. Time in their rooms does nothing. If the duration of a shower (temp child's choice) is up to them, that they can end it when they want? That's not abuse.

FWIW? I resort to sending an sutistic child to shower when overwhelmed. He's big enough that when he is violent, he could hurt himself or others. I'm not turning it on or off, so he's determining temp and duration, and to me? That's the difference between a way to calm and abuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here’s the deal. I am Black American. In my “culture” spankings and beatings are the norm. I still do not do it and know it is wrong. I was spanked and don’t want that for my kids. I don’t care that it is acceptable in other cultures. Female genitalia mutilation is acceptable in some cultures, but we are pretty comfortable blanket deciding that practice is wrong right? What about child brides? Some cultures find that practice acceptable. IMO this is an issue where there is a clear right side and wrong side.


Would you hit an adult who defies you or pisses you off in some way? And have that be an acceptable course of action with that person where they would be expected to continue having a normal relationship with you after being hit? If it is not ok, why are you claiming it is acceptable in any way to beat kids?

Oh please. Would you take a toy from an adult as punishment. Would you ask an adult to sit in a corner for a few minutes as punishment? Would you call an adult's mother if they misbehave at work?

I don't spank, but this rationale of treating kids as adults would categorize most forms of punishment as wrong.

I don't do punishments... that sets up the thought process that I am setting an arbitrary result to whatever behavior I like. Instead, we focus on self-discipline, as in the child learning the discipline needed to be in control of their body and actions. There are logical and/or natural consequences to every action, some visible and some hidden, varying from positive to neutral to negative. I don't rescue them from the consequences that they earn through their choices, but I do offer help talking through the other choices they had in the hope that they make a different choice next time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here’s the deal. I am Black American. In my “culture” spankings and beatings are the norm. I still do not do it and know it is wrong. I was spanked and don’t want that for my kids. I don’t care that it is acceptable in other cultures. Female genitalia mutilation is acceptable in some cultures, but we are pretty comfortable blanket deciding that practice is wrong right? What about child brides? Some cultures find that practice acceptable. IMO this is an issue where there is a clear right side and wrong side.


Would you hit an adult who defies you or pisses you off in some way? And have that be an acceptable course of action with that person where they would be expected to continue having a normal relationship with you after being hit? If it is not ok, why are you claiming it is acceptable in any way to beat kids?

Oh please. Would you take a toy from an adult as punishment. Would you ask an adult to sit in a corner for a few minutes as punishment? Would you call an adult's mother if they misbehave at work?

I don't spank, but this rationale of treating kids as adults would categorize most forms of punishment as wrong.[/quote]


Dp. Ding! Ding! Ding! There are better ways to bring up your kids. Remember: you're raising them to be adults!

OK. Real life scenario: 4 year old smacks 5 year old sister repeatedly. You ask him to leave and call the cops?

No, I remove the 4yo to another room or suggest to the 5yo that she can go do a fun activity in another room. Either way, the 4yo gets minimal or no attention for hitting and the 5yo is not the one suffering a consequence they did not earn (unless she was goading, that's different).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I thinking taking away privileges and time out are fine. But I don't think those things signal extreme disobedience. What some of the other posters are bringing up about deliberate disobedience is interesting. I'd be curious to know what people do for extreme offenses because I don't find the same old punishments to work. A lot of you are sharing good disciplines but those are all good for the everyday run of the mill disobediences. If your 7 year old lies repeatedly or destroys something sure timeout or taking away something. But if you aren't spanking how are you making it extremely clear that this behavior is NOT ok? I'm a teacher and I don't think parents discipline their kids nearly enough because they often are disrespectful.

Nanny here. If you can't get through to the kids that you are the adult and you are in charge of the classroom, you are the problem, not them. I have *never* had to resort to yelling, threats, violence, or blaming the parents... and I specialize in behavior problems, special needs, and unusual family sizes and dynamics.

[Anonymous]

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Is it possible that your brother was an "a*hole" because of how he was treated? I'm not just talking about "spankings". I think whichever parent abused your brother had no patience or tender feeling for him and took any opportunity to hurt him and justify it by labelling him as a bad kid. My parents were each abusive in their own ways and I observed at the time that my dad was roughest on my eldest brother and my mom was harshest on me. You seem hesitant to accuse your parents of abuse, by where do you suppose your rage comes from? I know I was affected not only by being beaten, but from witnessing my siblings being abused, as well. Please consider working on your rage feelings toward your kids. I promise they do nothing to deserve it.

I know why I was an a**hole and got punished harder as a kid - it's because my sister was the Golden Child who could do no wrong and I was the Scapegoat who could do no right. I always felt that my parents were teamed up with my sister and against me, which made me resent my sister and be an a**hole to her, which led to me getting punished, which increased my resentment, and so on.

I'm sorry that happened to you. Children aren't born aholes, they act that way for a reason. My eldest sister was the golden child and never got beaten. There was a time I was with her and couldn't have done something which enraged my dad. I was whipped with a belt and she didn't tell him I was innocent. My skinned swelled so much, it split and I bled. I was 9. I have never and will never spank or otherwise assault my kids. I don't view them as anything other than children, who are to be treated gently and with love. I hope you treat your kids gently, too.

I'm a different poster. I think it's fine to do what you want, but some kids are born aholes. Like why are some kids doing super disrespectful things?

Which kids? When mine were young, I had age appropriate expectations for their behavior. I was "spanked" and I can assure you the only benefit that gave me was a simmering rage, a quickness to violence and the knowledge that I could withstand a beating. Considering that we live in a civilized society and not in the hunger games, those skills only brought trouble.

I’ve seen a 2 year old dragging a cat and beating it up. Seriously WTF

Not appropriate to allow it to continue, but in all honesty? That's not extremely abnormal.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:It's interesting how we now make up what abuse is.

Says the child beating ahole.

I mean I don’t do that. But tapping a child on the bottom is not abuse.

Tapping a child on the bottom or slapping the hand is not spanking or beating.

So if your husband did that to you, it would be ok, right?

Absolutely... my partner does tap my behind, frequently... passing in the kitchen and my butt is sticking out, passing on the way to shower and being touchy feely, etc. Slapping my hand, well if I were reaching for something dangerous, sure, I'd be okay with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's interesting how we now make up what abuse is.

Says the child beating ahole.

I mean I don’t do that. But tapping a child on the bottom is not abuse.

Tapping a child on the bottom or slapping the hand is not spanking or beating.

So if your husband did that to you, it would be ok, right?

Absolutely... my partner does tap my behind, frequently... passing in the kitchen and my butt is sticking out, passing on the way to shower and being touchy feely, etc. Slapping my hand, well if I were reaching for something dangerous, sure, I'd be okay with it.

Bizarre. Yet consensual.