If you were beaten as a child….

[Anonymous]

….how do you manage not repeating this with you own kids?

FTR I don’t hit my kids. But I will admit to sometimes being so filled with rage when they are being especially difficult that I get overwhelmed with the urge to do what I experienced as a kid. I always manage to fight it off but it is hard. Harder than I think it should be.

Anyone else in similar shoes? If you were beaten (whatever your own definition of corporal punishment is and your own line of what’s acceptable) do you have a hard time avoiding a repeat of the past?

[Anonymous]

Yeah I get this. The urge to spank is so strong. I actually just walk out and tag Dh when I just want to yell at the kids. He steps in. I often step in for him too when kids are going crazy

[Anonymous]

Dh and I discussed this at length before having kids. I suffered beatings which left welts, marks and bruises as a kid. We both agreed that we wouldn't put out hands on the kids, no slaps, spankings, etc, only loving touches. Dh was raised in a house with virtually non stop yelling. Before having kids, we agreed we would only raise our voices at the kids to stop them from doing something dangerous and never shout at them in anger. We discussed methods of discipline which were reasonable and we read a lot of parenting books before and after having kids. Our kids are teens now and they have never been hit, yelled at or had cruel words said to them by us. If it was hard not to hit them or yell in the early days, I don't remember. I never had the urge to strike them that I recall. Dh and I were both messed up from our childhoods and had a strong desire not to repeat history with our children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:….how do you manage not repeating this with you own kids?

FTR I don’t hit my kids. But I will admit to sometimes being so filled with rage when they are being especially difficult that I get overwhelmed with the urge to do what I experienced as a kid. I always manage to fight it off but it is hard. Harder than I think it should be.

Anyone else in similar shoes? If you were beaten (whatever your own definition of corporal punishment is and your own line of what’s acceptable) do you have a hard time avoiding a repeat of the past?

I swore to myself my kids would not grow up afraid of me. And for the most part they didn't. There were a few times I screamed - running into parking lots, plunging their hand into a publish trash can to get something they accidentally threw away (dirty needles), for example. In those moments maybe they were startled, but they've never been worried I would kill them.

My dad had an anger management issue. I inherited that and just vowed to do better.

[Anonymous]

I feel like in my family it's gotten gentler with each generation. Grandparents' generation was truly beaten as children, like abusive levels. My parents' generation was paddled and spanked but with switches/belts. I was spanked, lightly and just with hands, only a couple of times and reserved for very severe incidents. As a parent, I do not do corporal punishment (except would not rule out swatting a hand away harshly if DD tried to touch an open flame burner, etc. just to startle her away for safety).

[Anonymous]

I tell myself I want a closer connection with my kid that I had with my mom. We werent close and I left home at 18. I want my kid to be independent obviously but I don’t want her to fear me if not tell me stuff. This is my mantra when she pushes my buttons.

[Anonymous]

Therapy and parenting books to develop alternative strategies

[Anonymous]

I was spanked for silly things by my mom and my grandmother (she partly raised me). I grew up hating both of them.

With my kids I usually start with lectures, then time outs, then take away something, and if all fails then I do a one spanking. I don't go from zero to spanking.

I think at home our kids know by now how the "process" goes so they don't push my buttons all the way....

It's a good way for me too to not lose it all at once. But, yes, it takes a lot of patience.

On occasions if they have a horrible tantrum they get a cold shower to cool things down too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was spanked for silly things by my mom and my grandmother (she partly raised me). I grew up hating both of them.

With my kids I usually start with lectures, then time outs, then take away something, and if all fails then I do a one spanking. I don't go from zero to spanking.

I think at home our kids know by now how the "process" goes so they don't push my buttons all the way....

It's a good way for me too to not lose it all at once. But, yes, it takes a lot of patience.

On occasions if they have a horrible tantrum they get a cold shower to cool things down too.

You're abusive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was spanked for silly things by my mom and my grandmother (she partly raised me). I grew up hating both of them.

With my kids I usually start with lectures, then time outs, then take away something, and if all fails then I do a one spanking. I don't go from zero to spanking.

I think at home our kids know by now how the "process" goes so they don't push my buttons all the way....

It's a good way for me too to not lose it all at once. But, yes, it takes a lot of patience.

On occasions if they have a horrible tantrum they get a cold shower to cool things down too.

Are you crazy? You are an abuser. I’m appalled you don’t see that and talk so casually about it. You are terrible. Pray for your children, they will hate you too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was spanked for silly things by my mom and my grandmother (she partly raised me). I grew up hating both of them.

With my kids I usually start with lectures, then time outs, then take away something, and if all fails then I do a one spanking. I don't go from zero to spanking.

I think at home our kids know by now how the "process" goes so they don't push my buttons all the way....

It's a good way for me too to not lose it all at once. But, yes, it takes a lot of patience.

On occasions if they have a horrible tantrum they get a cold shower to cool things down too.

You're abusive.

+1

[Anonymous]

I struggled… really struggled. Then I started to be able to walk away, and realize just how crazy I must look, yelling at my kids for something trivial. I am now able to take a deep breathe and be calm.

[Anonymous]

This is one of the reasons why I didn't have kids.

Being hit as a kid really messed me up, honestly. I go from 0-60 quickly when it comes to anger. It took a lot of therapy to lessen my anger response down to that level.

I'll sometimes see a kid having a meltdown in public and catch myself thinking, "omg, one good a$$ beating would shut that kid up!" which is something my parents would always say.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was spanked for silly things by my mom and my grandmother (she partly raised me). I grew up hating both of them.

With my kids I usually start with lectures, then time outs, then take away something, and if all fails then I do a one spanking. I don't go from zero to spanking.

I think at home our kids know by now how the "process" goes so they don't push my buttons all the way....

It's a good way for me too to not lose it all at once. But, yes, it takes a lot of patience.

On occasions if they have a horrible tantrum they get a cold shower to cool things down too.

Are you crazy? You are an abuser. I’m appalled you don’t see that and talk so casually about it. You are terrible. Pray for your children, they will hate you too.

I come from a different culture where disciplining your kids is normal. We're beyond the "spanking age", my kids are now teenagers, one going to college soon, and the only thing I do is lecture them or take away their electronics.

They are amazing kids too. Well educated and well mannered. They exceed in sports and at school on their own. Not worried here!

The idea is to discipline your kids without the "rage" mentioned by other posters...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was spanked for silly things by my mom and my grandmother (she partly raised me). I grew up hating both of them.

With my kids I usually start with lectures, then time outs, then take away something, and if all fails then I do a one spanking. I don't go from zero to spanking.

I think at home our kids know by now how the "process" goes so they don't push my buttons all the way....

It's a good way for me too to not lose it all at once. But, yes, it takes a lot of patience.

On occasions if they have a horrible tantrum they get a cold shower to cool things down too.

Are you crazy? You are an abuser. I’m appalled you don’t see that and talk so casually about it. You are terrible. Pray for your children, they will hate you too.

I come from a different culture where disciplining your kids is normal. We're beyond the "spanking age", my kids are now teenagers, one going to college soon, and the only thing I do is lecture them or take away their electronics.

They are amazing kids too. Well educated and well mannered. They exceed in sports and at school on their own. Not worried here!

The idea is to discipline your kids without the "rage" mentioned by other posters...

Forcing someone into a cold shower is torture. Especially a child.