If you were beaten as a child….

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was spanked for silly things by my mom and my grandmother (she partly raised me). I grew up hating both of them.

With my kids I usually start with lectures, then time outs, then take away something, and if all fails then I do a one spanking. I don't go from zero to spanking.

I think at home our kids know by now how the "process" goes so they don't push my buttons all the way....

It's a good way for me too to not lose it all at once. But, yes, it takes a lot of patience.

On occasions if they have a horrible tantrum they get a cold shower to cool things down too.

Are you crazy? You are an abuser. I’m appalled you don’t see that and talk so casually about it. You are terrible. Pray for your children, they will hate you too.

I come from a different culture where disciplining your kids is normal. We're beyond the "spanking age", my kids are now teenagers, one going to college soon, and the only thing I do is lecture them or take away their electronics.

They are amazing kids too. Well educated and well mannered. They exceed in sports and at school on their own. Not worried here!

The idea is to discipline your kids without the "rage" mentioned by other posters...

We know you are not worried which is a concern. You don’t need to have “rage” to be abusive. You are stupid.

DP. I’ll never get over the hypocrisy in posts like this. You just called someone “stupid” for suggesting that corporal punishment (which has been used throughout human history and is accepted outside white MC cultures) without rage isn’t abusive. People who shut people down like that aren’t gentle kind parents.

Np. Abusing your children is stupid.
You show your hypocrisy with slamming someone for criticizing at the same time you criticize.
If what you say is true, then you are calling yourself an unkind parent or person.

You're assuming corporal punishment automatically = abuse. That, along with saying things like "stupid" are ways of shaming the PP into agreeing with you. But the law does not recognize all corporal punishment as abuse. Many cultures and religious traditions don't either. So who are YOU to say that it does, much less call someone "stupid" or "abusive" because they disciplined their children in a manner you don't agree with? It is not hypocrisy for me to point that out because I wasn't ever claiming to be morally superior in the area of kindness.

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7390231/

“According to the Global Initiative to End all Corporal Punishment of Children,5 there are now 59 countries which have full prohibition of corporal punishment in all settings. Japan (as mentioned above) became the 59th such country in March 2020. Twenty-seven EU countries have instituted a ban which represents a large majority of the region. Twenty-nine more countries have signified their intention to reform their laws in the same direction. Most of Europe and South and Central America have instituted a ban but there are significant gaps around the world, notably in Africa, Asia, Australia, the USA and Russia.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel like in my family it's gotten gentler with each generation. Grandparents' generation was truly beaten as children, like abusive levels. My parents' generation was paddled and spanked but with switches/belts. I was spanked, lightly and just with hands, only a couple of times and reserved for very severe incidents. As a parent, I do not do corporal punishment (except would not rule out swatting a hand away harshly if DD tried to touch an open flame burner, etc. just to startle her away for safety).

I can only hope this is the case for many people. I can't recall being spanked though it's possible; my siblings were albeit sparingly. It didn't seem to really affect their behavior so I didn't get the message it was a strategy that worked. As a parent, I am opposed to punishment based discipline. My kids were easy, so my high horse is pretty low.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was spanked for silly things by my mom and my grandmother (she partly raised me). I grew up hating both of them.

With my kids I usually start with lectures, then time outs, then take away something, and if all fails then I do a one spanking. I don't go from zero to spanking.

I think at home our kids know by now how the "process" goes so they don't push my buttons all the way....

It's a good way for me too to not lose it all at once. But, yes, it takes a lot of patience.

On occasions if they have a horrible tantrum they get a cold shower to cool things down too.

Are you crazy? You are an abuser. I’m appalled you don’t see that and talk so casually about it. You are terrible. Pray for your children, they will hate you too.

I come from a different culture where disciplining your kids is normal. We're beyond the "spanking age", my kids are now teenagers, one going to college soon, and the only thing I do is lecture them or take away their electronics.

They are amazing kids too. Well educated and well mannered. They exceed in sports and at school on their own. Not worried here!

The idea is to discipline your kids without the "rage" mentioned by other posters...

Forcing someone into a cold shower is torture. Especially a child.

+1.

Especially for having a tantrum. Tantrums are normal behavior for young children. They are still learning to handle their emotions.

[Anonymous]

A lot of what I see here is part of our culture and religion. The Black Americans stories, for example, are part of our ugly slave history. Oh and the whites 'spare the rod and spoil the child' comes straight from the Bible. No wonder we have the highest homicide rate for any developed nation. It's so much deeper than 'don't hit your child', but that's certainly a starting point.

I was spanked as a child. My parents were wrong. They were ok in some ways and not in others. I want us to be a better parents. No, I never have the urge to hit my most beautiful creation. I am better than that and so are my children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was spanked for silly things by my mom and my grandmother (she partly raised me). I grew up hating both of them.

With my kids I usually start with lectures, then time outs, then take away something, and if all fails then I do a one spanking. I don't go from zero to spanking.

I think at home our kids know by now how the "process" goes so they don't push my buttons all the way....

It's a good way for me too to not lose it all at once. But, yes, it takes a lot of patience.

On occasions if they have a horrible tantrum they get a cold shower to cool things down too.

You're abusive.

No they are not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was spanked for silly things by my mom and my grandmother (she partly raised me). I grew up hating both of them.

With my kids I usually start with lectures, then time outs, then take away something, and if all fails then I do a one spanking. I don't go from zero to spanking.

I think at home our kids know by now how the "process" goes so they don't push my buttons all the way....

It's a good way for me too to not lose it all at once. But, yes, it takes a lot of patience.

On occasions if they have a horrible tantrum they get a cold shower to cool things down too.

You're abusive.

No they are not.

The bizarre punishment of forcing a kid into a cold shower most definitely is abusive. See also: being made to kneel for hours, "washing" a mouth with soap, putting cayenne pepper on a child's tongue, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel like in my family it's gotten gentler with each generation. Grandparents' generation was truly beaten as children, like abusive levels. My parents' generation was paddled and spanked but with switches/belts. I was spanked, lightly and just with hands, only a couple of times and reserved for very severe incidents. As a parent, I do not do corporal punishment (except would not rule out swatting a hand away harshly if DD tried to touch an open flame burner, etc. just to startle her away for safety).

This

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was spanked for silly things by my mom and my grandmother (she partly raised me). I grew up hating both of them.

With my kids I usually start with lectures, then time outs, then take away something, and if all fails then I do a one spanking. I don't go from zero to spanking.

I think at home our kids know by now how the "process" goes so they don't push my buttons all the way....

It's a good way for me too to not lose it all at once. But, yes, it takes a lot of patience.

On occasions if they have a horrible tantrum they get a cold shower to cool things down too.

You're abusive.

No they are not.

The bizarre punishment of forcing a kid into a cold shower most definitely is abusive. See also: being made to kneel for hours, "washing" a mouth with soap, putting cayenne pepper on a child's tongue, etc.

I apologize. I completely missed the shower part and yeah that's disturbing and scary. I retract my statement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:….how do you manage not repeating this with you own kids?

FTR I don’t hit my kids. But I will admit to sometimes being so filled with rage when they are being especially difficult that I get overwhelmed with the urge to do what I experienced as a kid. I always manage to fight it off but it is hard. Harder than I think it should be.

Anyone else in similar shoes? If you were beaten (whatever your own definition of corporal punishment is and your own line of what’s acceptable) do you have a hard time avoiding a repeat of the past?

I'm a man who was raised in the 60s and 70s. Spanking was the go-to punishment for my parents. I thought for a long time this was just standard parenting. But since I had my own kids I have lost a lot of respect for my own parents. I now strongly believe that if you hit your kids, you have failed as a parent.

I have never seen any need whatsoever to hit my kids. Not hard at all to avoid it. I have never felt rage or extreme anger or the urge to hit my kids. Maybe I'm just lucky and have exceptionally good kids? Whatever the case, it is inconceivable to me that I'd hit them. (They are now well past the age for it anyway.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeah I get this. The urge to spank is so strong. I actually just walk out and tag Dh when I just want to yell at the kids. He steps in. I often step in for him too when kids are going crazy

Good for you. This is what I do as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:….how do you manage not repeating this with you own kids?

FTR I don’t hit my kids. But I will admit to sometimes being so filled with rage when they are being especially difficult that I get overwhelmed with the urge to do what I experienced as a kid. I always manage to fight it off but it is hard. Harder than I think it should be.

Anyone else in similar shoes? If you were beaten (whatever your own definition of corporal punishment is and your own line of what’s acceptable) do you have a hard time avoiding a repeat of the past?

Get therapy for trauma. You were wired to have these thoughts, and therapy helps. Even if you’re not hitting them, you may well be treating them in a way that reflects a rage that in turn reflects your abusive wiring.

I had this happen to me when first DC was very young, and it was very unsettling. I discovered I had a lot of trauma. Get treated asap.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:….how do you manage not repeating this with you own kids?

FTR I don’t hit my kids. But I will admit to sometimes being so filled with rage when they are being especially difficult that I get overwhelmed with the urge to do what I experienced as a kid. I always manage to fight it off but it is hard. Harder than I think it should be.

Anyone else in similar shoes? If you were beaten (whatever your own definition of corporal punishment is and your own line of what’s acceptable) do you have a hard time avoiding a repeat of the past?

I'm a man who was raised in the 60s and 70s. Spanking was the go-to punishment for my parents. I thought for a long time this was just standard parenting. But since I had my own kids I have lost a lot of respect for my own parents. I now strongly believe that if you hit your kids, you have failed as a parent.

I have never seen any need whatsoever to hit my kids. Not hard at all to avoid it. I have never felt rage or extreme anger or the urge to hit my kids. Maybe I'm just lucky and have exceptionally good kids? Whatever the case, it is inconceivable to me that I'd hit them. (They are now well past the age for it anyway.)

+1000

I don’t care how “normal” it was during a certain time. Children are people. You don’t hit other people. You don’t beat people into submission.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was spanked for silly things by my mom and my grandmother (she partly raised me). I grew up hating both of them.

With my kids I usually start with lectures, then time outs, then take away something, and if all fails then I do a one spanking. I don't go from zero to spanking.

I think at home our kids know by now how the "process" goes so they don't push my buttons all the way....

It's a good way for me too to not lose it all at once. But, yes, it takes a lot of patience.

On occasions if they have a horrible tantrum they get a cold shower to cool things down too.

Are you crazy? You are an abuser. I’m appalled you don’t see that and talk so casually about it. You are terrible. Pray for your children, they will hate you too.

I come from a different culture where disciplining your kids is normal. We're beyond the "spanking age", my kids are now teenagers, one going to college soon, and the only thing I do is lecture them or take away their electronics.

They are amazing kids too. Well educated and well mannered. They exceed in sports and at school on their own. Not worried here!

The idea is to discipline your kids without the "rage" mentioned by other posters...

Putting you child in a cold shower is not discipline.
Not abusing doesn’t mean not disciplining.
You are an abuser and it will come back to haunt you.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel like in my family it's gotten gentler with each generation. Grandparents' generation was truly beaten as children, like abusive levels. My parents' generation was paddled and spanked but with switches/belts. I was spanked, lightly and just with hands, only a couple of times and reserved for very severe incidents. As a parent, I do not do corporal punishment (except would not rule out swatting a hand away harshly if DD tried to touch an open flame burner, etc. just to startle her away for safety).

Paddled and spanked with switches and belts is abusive.

[Anonymous]

Am I the only one who reads this and thinks that spanking rarely is okay? I was spanked a few times as a kid. My parents were wonderful, caring parents. I deserved it and knew I deserved it at the time. I grew up perfectly fine and am very close with my parents.

I personally have trouble controlling my children sometimes and haven't figured out a good strategy. I don't spank, but talking to them and taking away things absolutely doesn't work. They're little and the oldest is 5. The oldest is very grumpy and rolls her eyes and is pretty disrespectful (thanks to public school for teaching her that this year!)