Divorce with kids - do you regret it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They love their children, but are too selfish to place their children’s best interests ahead of their own.

That's a good way to put it. But, I question how much you can love someone when you are that self-centered. And stop with this delusional mental gymnastics 'the affair saves my marriage' BS.

A parent's sex life has nothing to do with kids. An affair is prolonging the marriage. If it were not for kids, he would be gone. Why people don't get this is beyond me. OP--would you rather waste more time or leave now? That is your choice.

How can you say that something that threatens the stability of the household and finances has nothing to do with the kids? You’re just gambling that you won’t get caught. If you get caught cheating, you end up with a more acrimonious divorce and co-parenting relationship than you would have had without the cheating, which affects the kids. You mess up your spouse, which affects the kids. It’s easy to say that people who are having affairs are only staying “for the kids,” but plenty of childless people cheat on their spouses without leaving the marriage, so it’s more complicated than that.

+1

The cheating steals time, emotional investment and commitment to the kids/spouse. Nobody cheating is a nice person at home. They get very critical of their spouse and kids. You know? The barriers hindering their lifetime of infinite happiness with their lovers.

This is too true.

+1 million

Truer words have never been spoken.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They love their children, but are too selfish to place their children’s best interests ahead of their own.

That's a good way to put it. But, I question how much you can love someone when you are that self-centered. And stop with this delusional mental gymnastics 'the affair saves my marriage' BS.

A parent's sex life has nothing to do with kids. An affair is prolonging the marriage. If it were not for kids, he would be gone. Why people don't get this is beyond me. OP--would you rather waste more time or leave now? That is your choice.

How can you say that something that threatens the stability of the household and finances has nothing to do with the kids? You’re just gambling that you won’t get caught. If you get caught cheating, you end up with a more acrimonious divorce and co-parenting relationship than you would have had without the cheating, which affects the kids. You mess up your spouse, which affects the kids. It’s easy to say that people who are having affairs are only staying “for the kids,” but plenty of childless people cheat on their spouses without leaving the marriage, so it’s more complicated than that.

+1

You do realize cheating can take a few hours a month like going to the gym, right? Chances are, most people cheating are stealing a few hours like errands—not crazy amounts of time. Just read the cheating threads.
The cheating steals time, emotional investment and commitment to the kids/spouse. Nobody cheating is a nice person at home. They get very critical of their spouse and kids. You know? The barriers hindering their lifetime of infinite happiness with their lovers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nobody ever admits that they regret it. If the impact on children is bad, they are in denial about it.

No regrets at all. My kids are fine. Minimal impact of divorce. It is not really a big deal unless people are immature and have a disaster of a divorce. If finances are maintained and parents are civil and coparent fine, divorce is not a big deal. Regret not doing it sooner.

See, that's what people say when they are in denial. Are some kids fine? Sure. But not as many as divorced people would have us believe.

No one is in denial. My kids have an infinitely better childhood than I had with miserably married parents. Had almost no impact on them at all. No financial impact, no moving, we are flexible in seeing them, 50/50 custody and not strict about days, no fighting, same neighborhood, same schools, same college fund, same retirement account. Lived as separate in the house years before divorce as well as separate holidays with our families...there has literally been almost zero impact...except they got an extra house 6 minutes away.

If they complain in the future, honestly, I am going to say "Cry me a river." I had an awful childhood despite the appearance that everything was fine. It was awful. My kids have two parents who love them who are not married. They lost nothing except us under the same roof. Hardly the end of the world.

While it seems you had a “good divorce” the bolded makes me question you and your parenting. Just because kids aren’t in an abusive situation (which I would assume you were) doesn’t mean they won’t question things and may need counseling to deal. It’s sad that you are that unavailable to their thoughts

Stop assuming divorce is the worst. My kids are likely better off than yours. There is nothing to question. It was obvious it was not a normal marriage. We coparent fine. Most people are too emotionally immature to handle that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I see lots of threads on DCUM about regrets not divorcing earlier. What about the other side -- do you regret divorcing your ex?

Since the question always comes from somewhere, here's my situation: husband had a long term affair that ended when I found out several years ago. He almost got into another (if not acted on it, but I can't confirm and he denies). I buried the feelings and moved on in the marriage and its been....fine. I am now at a place where I'm at least ready to deal with the betrayal and am taking concrete steps to do that, and that could lead me to a place where I want to leave the marriage. I have to heal me, first, regardless of my relationship status. But then...??? Lots of big scary things. We have elementary/middle school aged children. So, back to my question....do you regret your divorce?

Yes I regret both our divorce and the things I did and he did and our lack of insight regarding the lifetime consequences of divorce for our children and larger family groups. It’s awful. Absolutely avoid if you can especially if it’s about preferences or work or messy husbands. I’d even consider not divorcing over affair because those are usually passing distractions. You don’t get to see what it’s like to live with two houses, two sets of complex finances, new spouses, new step kids, and constant tensions over things like birthdays grandparents holidays, etc etc etc. Bwing divorced is less a relationship status and more of a lifestyle, with young kids, and then with older ones too. I’d take being somewhat unhappy to being divorced with my kids bearing the burden of two homes, any day .

Some divorces are like that. Some are not. There are no tensions over holidays, kids like two houses, there won’t be more kids or spouses. Parents have the power to mitigate any “consequences.” Sorry for your situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nobody ever admits that they regret it. If the impact on children is bad, they are in denial about it.

No regrets at all. My kids are fine. Minimal impact of divorce. It is not really a big deal unless people are immature and have a disaster of a divorce. If finances are maintained and parents are civil and coparent fine, divorce is not a big deal. Regret not doing it sooner.

See, that's what people say when they are in denial. Are some kids fine? Sure. But not as many as divorced people would have us believe.

No one is in denial. My kids have an infinitely better childhood than I had with miserably married parents. Had almost no impact on them at all. No financial impact, no moving, we are flexible in seeing them, 50/50 custody and not strict about days, no fighting, same neighborhood, same schools, same college fund, same retirement account. Lived as separate in the house years before divorce as well as separate holidays with our families...there has literally been almost zero impact...except they got an extra house 6 minutes away.

If they complain in the future, honestly, I am going to say "Cry me a river." I had an awful childhood despite the appearance that everything was fine. It was awful. My kids have two parents who love them who are not married. They lost nothing except us under the same roof. Hardly the end of the world.

People in denial never think they are in denial! That's what denial is.

There is no denial. People idealize marriage and it is ridiculous. Has nothing to do with parenting—look at Sweden. Americans are too soft. Divorce is not ideal but not the worst of many hardships in life. You know what impacts people? Life. No guarantees. No one is sick, no one died, no one is in poverty, no one has a move of schools or friends—I regret not doing it sooner/I only “stayed for the kids” due to a pregnancy. Kids have literally had almost no ill effects from my divorce. Took years to figure it out that way, but I did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nobody ever admits that they regret it. If the impact on children is bad, they are in denial about it.

No regrets at all. My kids are fine. Minimal impact of divorce. It is not really a big deal unless people are immature and have a disaster of a divorce. If finances are maintained and parents are civil and coparent fine, divorce is not a big deal. Regret not doing it sooner.

See, that's what people say when they are in denial. Are some kids fine? Sure. But not as many as divorced people would have us believe.

No one is in denial. My kids have an infinitely better childhood than I had with miserably married parents. Had almost no impact on them at all. No financial impact, no moving, we are flexible in seeing them, 50/50 custody and not strict about days, no fighting, same neighborhood, same schools, same college fund, same retirement account. Lived as separate in the house years before divorce as well as separate holidays with our families...there has literally been almost zero impact...except they got an extra house 6 minutes away.

If they complain in the future, honestly, I am going to say "Cry me a river." I had an awful childhood despite the appearance that everything was fine. It was awful. My kids have two parents who love them who are not married. They lost nothing except us under the same roof. Hardly the end of the world.

While it seems you had a “good divorce” the bolded makes me question you and your parenting. Just because kids aren’t in an abusive situation (which I would assume you were) doesn’t mean they won’t question things and may need counseling to deal. It’s sad that you are that unavailable to their thoughts

Stop assuming divorce is the worst. My kids are likely better off than yours. There is nothing to question. It was obvious it was not a normal marriage. We coparent fine. Most people are too emotionally immature to handle that.

Nope nothing to question here. I'm going to bet you were never able to question your parents and were given little sympathy growing up.
Good luck to you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, I was the one who initiated the divorce, and I don't regret it. I only have one life to live

+1

It just happened that my kids were out of the house. No regrets.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nobody ever admits that they regret it. If the impact on children is bad, they are in denial about it.

No regrets at all. My kids are fine. Minimal impact of divorce. It is not really a big deal unless people are immature and have a disaster of a divorce. If finances are maintained and parents are civil and coparent fine, divorce is not a big deal. Regret not doing it sooner.

See, that's what people say when they are in denial. Are some kids fine? Sure. But not as many as divorced people would have us believe.

No one is in denial. My kids have an infinitely better childhood than I had with miserably married parents. Had almost no impact on them at all. No financial impact, no moving, we are flexible in seeing them, 50/50 custody and not strict about days, no fighting, same neighborhood, same schools, same college fund, same retirement account. Lived as separate in the house years before divorce as well as separate holidays with our families...there has literally been almost zero impact...except they got an extra house 6 minutes away.

If they complain in the future, honestly, I am going to say "Cry me a river." I had an awful childhood despite the appearance that everything was fine. It was awful. My kids have two parents who love them who are not married. They lost nothing except us under the same roof. Hardly the end of the world.

While it seems you had a “good divorce” the bolded makes me question you and your parenting. Just because kids aren’t in an abusive situation (which I would assume you were) doesn’t mean they won’t question things and may need counseling to deal. It’s sad that you are that unavailable to their thoughts

Stop assuming divorce is the worst. My kids are likely better off than yours. There is nothing to question. It was obvious it was not a normal marriage. We coparent fine. Most people are too emotionally immature to handle that.

You seem really defensive and the fact that you can't admit the divorce has had ANY impact on your kids is telling. It's ok to say yes, they were affected but are still better for it. But to deny any effects...that is just impossible. Their lives changed fundamentally, they were impacted. Pretending otherwise is just denial.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nobody ever admits that they regret it. If the impact on children is bad, they are in denial about it.

No regrets at all. My kids are fine. Minimal impact of divorce. It is not really a big deal unless people are immature and have a disaster of a divorce. If finances are maintained and parents are civil and coparent fine, divorce is not a big deal. Regret not doing it sooner.

See, that's what people say when they are in denial. Are some kids fine? Sure. But not as many as divorced people would have us believe.

No one is in denial. My kids have an infinitely better childhood than I had with miserably married parents. Had almost no impact on them at all. No financial impact, no moving, we are flexible in seeing them, 50/50 custody and not strict about days, no fighting, same neighborhood, same schools, same college fund, same retirement account. Lived as separate in the house years before divorce as well as separate holidays with our families...there has literally been almost zero impact...except they got an extra house 6 minutes away.

If they complain in the future, honestly, I am going to say "Cry me a river." I had an awful childhood despite the appearance that everything was fine. It was awful. My kids have two parents who love them who are not married. They lost nothing except us under the same roof. Hardly the end of the world.

While it seems you had a “good divorce” the bolded makes me question you and your parenting. Just because kids aren’t in an abusive situation (which I would assume you were) doesn’t mean they won’t question things and may need counseling to deal. It’s sad that you are that unavailable to their thoughts

Stop assuming divorce is the worst. My kids are likely better off than yours. There is nothing to question. It was obvious it was not a normal marriage. We coparent fine. Most people are too emotionally immature to handle that.

Nope nothing to question here. I'm going to bet you were never able to question your parents and were given little sympathy growing up.
Good luck to you!

I did question my parents: I asked then to divorce when I was 8. They did not due to custody favoring the mother then and the stigma of divorce. It was a very bad childhood growing up with parents who clearly despised each other. I was not normalizing or repeating that pattern when I found myself in the same situation (but admittedly, I was pressured to marry and everyone said my doubts were wrong—they were not.) I won’t do that to my kids either. My kids are perfectly happy and fine with the divorce and don’t feel they “lost” anything—because they told me. So, you can remain on your high judgemental horse, which is completely wrong. The ridiculous “stigma” and assumptions has got to go. I got out of a bad (marriage) contract. That is it. Kids are fine with two parents and almost no change in their lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nobody ever admits that they regret it. If the impact on children is bad, they are in denial about it.

No regrets at all. My kids are fine. Minimal impact of divorce. It is not really a big deal unless people are immature and have a disaster of a divorce. If finances are maintained and parents are civil and coparent fine, divorce is not a big deal. Regret not doing it sooner.

See, that's what people say when they are in denial. Are some kids fine? Sure. But not as many as divorced people would have us believe.

No one is in denial. My kids have an infinitely better childhood than I had with miserably married parents. Had almost no impact on them at all. No financial impact, no moving, we are flexible in seeing them, 50/50 custody and not strict about days, no fighting, same neighborhood, same schools, same college fund, same retirement account. Lived as separate in the house years before divorce as well as separate holidays with our families...there has literally been almost zero impact...except they got an extra house 6 minutes away.

If they complain in the future, honestly, I am going to say "Cry me a river." I had an awful childhood despite the appearance that everything was fine. It was awful. My kids have two parents who love them who are not married. They lost nothing except us under the same roof. Hardly the end of the world.

While it seems you had a “good divorce” the bolded makes me question you and your parenting. Just because kids aren’t in an abusive situation (which I would assume you were) doesn’t mean they won’t question things and may need counseling to deal. It’s sad that you are that unavailable to their thoughts

Stop assuming divorce is the worst. My kids are likely better off than yours. There is nothing to question. It was obvious it was not a normal marriage. We coparent fine. Most people are too emotionally immature to handle that.

You seem really defensive and the fact that you can't admit the divorce has had ANY impact on your kids is telling. It's ok to say yes, they were affected but are still better for it. But to deny any effects...that is just impossible. Their lives changed fundamentally, they were impacted. Pretending otherwise is just denial.

You just can’t imagine a divorce like mine: they got an extra house. Nothing else changed. Really.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nobody ever admits that they regret it. If the impact on children is bad, they are in denial about it.

No regrets at all. My kids are fine. Minimal impact of divorce. It is not really a big deal unless people are immature and have a disaster of a divorce. If finances are maintained and parents are civil and coparent fine, divorce is not a big deal. Regret not doing it sooner.

See, that's what people say when they are in denial. Are some kids fine? Sure. But not as many as divorced people would have us believe.

No one is in denial. My kids have an infinitely better childhood than I had with miserably married parents. Had almost no impact on them at all. No financial impact, no moving, we are flexible in seeing them, 50/50 custody and not strict about days, no fighting, same neighborhood, same schools, same college fund, same retirement account. Lived as separate in the house years before divorce as well as separate holidays with our families...there has literally been almost zero impact...except they got an extra house 6 minutes away.

If they complain in the future, honestly, I am going to say "Cry me a river." I had an awful childhood despite the appearance that everything was fine. It was awful. My kids have two parents who love them who are not married. They lost nothing except us under the same roof. Hardly the end of the world.

While it seems you had a “good divorce” the bolded makes me question you and your parenting. Just because kids aren’t in an abusive situation (which I would assume you were) doesn’t mean they won’t question things and may need counseling to deal. It’s sad that you are that unavailable to their thoughts

Stop assuming divorce is the worst. My kids are likely better off than yours. There is nothing to question. It was obvious it was not a normal marriage. We coparent fine. Most people are too emotionally immature to handle that.

Nope nothing to question here. I'm going to bet you were never able to question your parents and were given little sympathy growing up.
Good luck to you!

I did question my parents: I asked then to divorce when I was 8. They did not due to custody favoring the mother then and the stigma of divorce. It was a very bad childhood growing up with parents who clearly despised each other. I was not normalizing or repeating that pattern when I found myself in the same situation (but admittedly, I was pressured to marry and everyone said my doubts were wrong—they were not.) I won’t do that to my kids either. My kids are perfectly happy and fine with the divorce and don’t feel they “lost” anything—because they told me. So, you can remain on your high judgemental horse, which is completely wrong. The ridiculous “stigma” and assumptions has got to go. I got out of a bad (marriage) contract. That is it. Kids are fine with two parents and almost no change in their lives.

Right, I'm sure they told you the truth. They definitely weren't placating you because you'd act like a nut and refuse to accept their actual opinions if you were willing to hear them.

Thank you for providing a perfect illustration of a parent in denial of the impact of divorce.

[Anonymous]

I did question my parents: I asked then to divorce when I was 8.

That was just a few years after you rebuked the racist on the bus and all the other passengers applauded, right? 🙄

Get outta here with that bs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nobody ever admits that they regret it. If the impact on children is bad, they are in denial about it.

No regrets at all. My kids are fine. Minimal impact of divorce. It is not really a big deal unless people are immature and have a disaster of a divorce. If finances are maintained and parents are civil and coparent fine, divorce is not a big deal. Regret not doing it sooner.

See, that's what people say when they are in denial. Are some kids fine? Sure. But not as many as divorced people would have us believe.

No one is in denial. My kids have an infinitely better childhood than I had with miserably married parents. Had almost no impact on them at all. No financial impact, no moving, we are flexible in seeing them, 50/50 custody and not strict about days, no fighting, same neighborhood, same schools, same college fund, same retirement account. Lived as separate in the house years before divorce as well as separate holidays with our families...there has literally been almost zero impact...except they got an extra house 6 minutes away.

If they complain in the future, honestly, I am going to say "Cry me a river." I had an awful childhood despite the appearance that everything was fine. It was awful. My kids have two parents who love them who are not married. They lost nothing except us under the same roof. Hardly the end of the world.

While it seems you had a “good divorce” the bolded makes me question you and your parenting. Just because kids aren’t in an abusive situation (which I would assume you were) doesn’t mean they won’t question things and may need counseling to deal. It’s sad that you are that unavailable to their thoughts

Stop assuming divorce is the worst. My kids are likely better off than yours. There is nothing to question. It was obvious it was not a normal marriage. We coparent fine. Most people are too emotionally immature to handle that.

You seem really defensive and the fact that you can't admit the divorce has had ANY impact on your kids is telling. It's ok to say yes, they were affected but are still better for it. But to deny any effects...that is just impossible. Their lives changed fundamentally, they were impacted. Pretending otherwise is just denial.

You just can’t imagine a divorce like mine: they got an extra house. Nothing else changed. Really.

Oh honey.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I did question my parents: I asked then to divorce when I was 8.

That was just a few years after you rebuked the racist on the bus and all the other passengers applauded, right? 🙄

Get outta here with that bs.

Not BS. I had to be the parent for my younger sibling/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nobody ever admits that they regret it. If the impact on children is bad, they are in denial about it.

No regrets at all. My kids are fine. Minimal impact of divorce. It is not really a big deal unless people are immature and have a disaster of a divorce. If finances are maintained and parents are civil and coparent fine, divorce is not a big deal. Regret not doing it sooner.

See, that's what people say when they are in denial. Are some kids fine? Sure. But not as many as divorced people would have us believe.

No one is in denial. My kids have an infinitely better childhood than I had with miserably married parents. Had almost no impact on them at all. No financial impact, no moving, we are flexible in seeing them, 50/50 custody and not strict about days, no fighting, same neighborhood, same schools, same college fund, same retirement account. Lived as separate in the house years before divorce as well as separate holidays with our families...there has literally been almost zero impact...except they got an extra house 6 minutes away.

If they complain in the future, honestly, I am going to say "Cry me a river." I had an awful childhood despite the appearance that everything was fine. It was awful. My kids have two parents who love them who are not married. They lost nothing except us under the same roof. Hardly the end of the world.

While it seems you had a “good divorce” the bolded makes me question you and your parenting. Just because kids aren’t in an abusive situation (which I would assume you were) doesn’t mean they won’t question things and may need counseling to deal. It’s sad that you are that unavailable to their thoughts

Stop assuming divorce is the worst. My kids are likely better off than yours. There is nothing to question. It was obvious it was not a normal marriage. We coparent fine. Most people are too emotionally immature to handle that.

You seem really defensive and the fact that you can't admit the divorce has had ANY impact on your kids is telling. It's ok to say yes, they were affected but are still better for it. But to deny any effects...that is just impossible. Their lives changed fundamentally, they were impacted. Pretending otherwise is just denial.

You just can’t imagine a divorce like mine: they got an extra house. Nothing else changed. Really.

Oh honey.

Make a list of what you assume changed and I will respond since you think you are superior.