Divorce with kids - do you regret it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They love their children, but are too selfish to place their children’s best interests ahead of their own.

That's a good way to put it. But, I question how much you can love someone when you are that self-centered. And stop with this delusional mental gymnastics 'the affair saves my marriage' BS.

A parent's sex life has nothing to do with kids. An affair is prolonging the marriage. If it were not for kids, he would be gone. Why people don't get this is beyond me. OP--would you rather waste more time or leave now? That is your choice.

How can you say that something that threatens the stability of the household and finances has nothing to do with the kids? You’re just gambling that you won’t get caught. If you get caught cheating, you end up with a more acrimonious divorce and co-parenting relationship than you would have had without the cheating, which affects the kids. You mess up your spouse, which affects the kids. It’s easy to say that people who are having affairs are only staying “for the kids,” but plenty of childless people cheat on their spouses without leaving the marriage, so it’s more complicated than that.

Look, if someone is not getting caught, they are keeping the marriage intact. If they get caught, yeah, that is bad. Everyone says they should divorce first but many don't. (not a cheater here...and I am divorced...I am just a logical person who understands how people would consider cheating and staying -- because they don't want to do the dirty work of divorce for whatever reason but the truth is...they are only staying for the kids if they are doing more than one-night stands. I personally would divorce before cheating or if I was cheated on, but I can understand how people might make other decisions, specifically if money is involved).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Logistics of divorcing or logistics of living /custody schedules?

Logistics meaning housing. Figuring out how one person could keep the house and the other person finding a nearby house. Custody scheduling not a big deal. The tight housing market and being limited to a certain radius to minimize change was hard and took a long time. Everything else was easy. People act like divorce is super hard. It is really not. Logistics of where to live with kids though in a tight housing market...that is hard.

It’s hell in earth with a high conflict mentally ill person, who only responds if court ordered.

The other party contributes to that. I agreed to more than I should have to have it be peaceful. I took less--and am okay with it. Most people will fight for it to be 100% fair and that is when it becomes hell on earth. Try compromising.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They love their children, but are too selfish to place their children’s best interests ahead of their own.

That's a good way to put it. But, I question how much you can love someone when you are that self-centered. And stop with this delusional mental gymnastics 'the affair saves my marriage' BS.

A parent's sex life has nothing to do with kids. An affair is prolonging the marriage. If it were not for kids, he would be gone. Why people don't get this is beyond me. OP--would you rather waste more time or leave now? That is your choice.

How can you say that something that threatens the stability of the household and finances has nothing to do with the kids? You’re just gambling that you won’t get caught. If you get caught cheating, you end up with a more acrimonious divorce and co-parenting relationship than you would have had without the cheating, which affects the kids. You mess up your spouse, which affects the kids. It’s easy to say that people who are having affairs are only staying “for the kids,” but plenty of childless people cheat on their spouses without leaving the marriage, so it’s more complicated than that.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nobody ever admits that they regret it. If the impact on children is bad, they are in denial about it.

No regrets at all. My kids are fine. Minimal impact of divorce. It is not really a big deal unless people are immature and have a disaster of a divorce. If finances are maintained and parents are civil and coparent fine, divorce is not a big deal. Regret not doing it sooner.

See, that's what people say when they are in denial. Are some kids fine? Sure. But not as many as divorced people would have us believe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nobody ever admits that they regret it. If the impact on children is bad, they are in denial about it.

No regrets at all. My kids are fine. Minimal impact of divorce. It is not really a big deal unless people are immature and have a disaster of a divorce. If finances are maintained and parents are civil and coparent fine, divorce is not a big deal. Regret not doing it sooner.

See, that's what people say when they are in denial. Are some kids fine? Sure. But not as many as divorced people would have us believe.

No one is in denial. My kids have an infinitely better childhood than I had with miserably married parents. Had almost no impact on them at all. No financial impact, no moving, we are flexible in seeing them, 50/50 custody and not strict about days, no fighting, same neighborhood, same schools, same college fund, same retirement account. Lived as separate in the house years before divorce as well as separate holidays with our families...there has literally been almost zero impact...except they got an extra house 6 minutes away.

If they complain in the future, honestly, I am going to say "Cry me a river." I had an awful childhood despite the appearance that everything was fine. It was awful. My kids have two parents who love them who are not married. They lost nothing except us under the same roof. Hardly the end of the world.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nobody ever admits that they regret it. If the impact on children is bad, they are in denial about it.

No regrets at all. My kids are fine. Minimal impact of divorce. It is not really a big deal unless people are immature and have a disaster of a divorce. If finances are maintained and parents are civil and coparent fine, divorce is not a big deal. Regret not doing it sooner.

See, that's what people say when they are in denial. Are some kids fine? Sure. But not as many as divorced people would have us believe.

No one is in denial. My kids have an infinitely better childhood than I had with miserably married parents. Had almost no impact on them at all. No financial impact, no moving, we are flexible in seeing them, 50/50 custody and not strict about days, no fighting, same neighborhood, same schools, same college fund, same retirement account. Lived as separate in the house years before divorce as well as separate holidays with our families...there has literally been almost zero impact...except they got an extra house 6 minutes away.

If they complain in the future, honestly, I am going to say "Cry me a river." I had an awful childhood despite the appearance that everything was fine. It was awful. My kids have two parents who love them who are not married. They lost nothing except us under the same roof. Hardly the end of the world.

People in denial never think they are in denial! That's what denial is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nobody ever admits that they regret it. If the impact on children is bad, they are in denial about it.

No regrets at all. My kids are fine. Minimal impact of divorce. It is not really a big deal unless people are immature and have a disaster of a divorce. If finances are maintained and parents are civil and coparent fine, divorce is not a big deal. Regret not doing it sooner.

See, that's what people say when they are in denial. Are some kids fine? Sure. But not as many as divorced people would have us believe.

No one is in denial. My kids have an infinitely better childhood than I had with miserably married parents. Had almost no impact on them at all. No financial impact, no moving, we are flexible in seeing them, 50/50 custody and not strict about days, no fighting, same neighborhood, same schools, same college fund, same retirement account. Lived as separate in the house years before divorce as well as separate holidays with our families...there has literally been almost zero impact...except they got an extra house 6 minutes away.

If they complain in the future, honestly, I am going to say "Cry me a river." I had an awful childhood despite the appearance that everything was fine. It was awful. My kids have two parents who love them who are not married. They lost nothing except us under the same roof. Hardly the end of the world.

Your claim of "almost zero impact" makes you lose credibility. They lost their intact family and will be ACOD forever. If it's better than your terrible marriage, okay. But don't pretend they didn't lose something important or that it won't impact them in the future. This kind of defensive stonewalling statement is a great example of a parent in denial.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nobody ever admits that they regret it. If the impact on children is bad, they are in denial about it.

No regrets at all. My kids are fine. Minimal impact of divorce. It is not really a big deal unless people are immature and have a disaster of a divorce. If finances are maintained and parents are civil and coparent fine, divorce is not a big deal. Regret not doing it sooner.

See, that's what people say when they are in denial. Are some kids fine? Sure. But not as many as divorced people would have us believe.

No one is in denial. My kids have an infinitely better childhood than I had with miserably married parents. Had almost no impact on them at all. No financial impact, no moving, we are flexible in seeing them, 50/50 custody and not strict about days, no fighting, same neighborhood, same schools, same college fund, same retirement account. Lived as separate in the house years before divorce as well as separate holidays with our families...there has literally been almost zero impact...except they got an extra house 6 minutes away.

If they complain in the future, honestly, I am going to say "Cry me a river." I had an awful childhood despite the appearance that everything was fine. It was awful. My kids have two parents who love them who are not married. They lost nothing except us under the same roof. Hardly the end of the world.

While it seems you had a “good divorce” the bolded makes me question you and your parenting. Just because kids aren’t in an abusive situation (which I would assume you were) doesn’t mean they won’t question things and may need counseling to deal. It’s sad that you are that unavailable to their thoughts

[Anonymous]

No I don’t. But we weren’t very compatible and he gave me anxiety with so many of his actions and decisions. He was hurt by the things I did too. So it was either hard work on the relationship (which he didn’t want to do) or divorce. We are actually more or less amicable now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I see lots of threads on DCUM about regrets not divorcing earlier. What about the other side -- do you regret divorcing your ex?

Since the question always comes from somewhere, here's my situation: husband had a long term affair that ended when I found out several years ago. He almost got into another (if not acted on it, but I can't confirm and he denies). I buried the feelings and moved on in the marriage and its been....fine. I am now at a place where I'm at least ready to deal with the betrayal and am taking concrete steps to do that, and that could lead me to a place where I want to leave the marriage. I have to heal me, first, regardless of my relationship status. But then...??? Lots of big scary things. We have elementary/middle school aged children. So, back to my question....do you regret your divorce?

Yes I regret both our divorce and the things I did and he did and our lack of insight regarding the lifetime consequences of divorce for our children and larger family groups. It’s awful. Absolutely avoid if you can especially if it’s about preferences or work or messy husbands. I’d even consider not divorcing over affair because those are usually passing distractions. You don’t get to see what it’s like to live with two houses, two sets of complex finances, new spouses, new step kids, and constant tensions over things like birthdays grandparents holidays, etc etc etc. Bwing divorced is less a relationship status and more of a lifestyle, with young kids, and then with older ones too. I’d take being somewhat unhappy to being divorced with my kids bearing the burden of two homes, any day .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nobody ever admits that they regret it. If the impact on children is bad, they are in denial about it.

No regrets at all. My kids are fine. Minimal impact of divorce. It is not really a big deal unless people are immature and have a disaster of a divorce. If finances are maintained and parents are civil and coparent fine, divorce is not a big deal. Regret not doing it sooner.

See, that's what people say when they are in denial. Are some kids fine? Sure. But not as many as divorced people would have us believe.

No one is in denial. My kids have an infinitely better childhood than I had with miserably married parents. Had almost no impact on them at all. No financial impact, no moving, we are flexible in seeing them, 50/50 custody and not strict about days, no fighting, same neighborhood, same schools, same college fund, same retirement account. Lived as separate in the house years before divorce as well as separate holidays with our families...there has literally been almost zero impact...except they got an extra house 6 minutes away.

If they complain in the future, honestly, I am going to say "Cry me a river." I had an awful childhood despite the appearance that everything was fine. It was awful. My kids have two parents who love them who are not married. They lost nothing except us under the same roof. Hardly the end of the world.

Really?
They lost the model of a two parent house and marriage.
They lost stability.
They lost being able to go to one house for holidays and not have worry about who to choose and which parent will be upset.
They lost the being able to learn conflict resolution in relationships…
We can go on and on but they did lose. The fact that you don’t realize that says so much about you and your childhood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nobody ever admits that they regret it. If the impact on children is bad, they are in denial about it.

No regrets at all. My kids are fine. Minimal impact of divorce. It is not really a big deal unless people are immature and have a disaster of a divorce. If finances are maintained and parents are civil and coparent fine, divorce is not a big deal. Regret not doing it sooner.

See, that's what people say when they are in denial. Are some kids fine? Sure. But not as many as divorced people would have us believe.

No one is in denial. My kids have an infinitely better childhood than I had with miserably married parents. Had almost no impact on them at all. No financial impact, no moving, we are flexible in seeing them, 50/50 custody and not strict about days, no fighting, same neighborhood, same schools, same college fund, same retirement account. Lived as separate in the house years before divorce as well as separate holidays with our families...there has literally been almost zero impact...except they got an extra house 6 minutes away.

If they complain in the future, honestly, I am going to say "Cry me a river." I had an awful childhood despite the appearance that everything was fine. It was awful. My kids have two parents who love them who are not married. They lost nothing except us under the same roof. Hardly the end of the world.

Your claim of "almost zero impact" makes you lose credibility. They lost their intact family and will be ACOD forever. If it's better than your terrible marriage, okay. But don't pretend they didn't lose something important or that it won't impact them in the future. This kind of defensive stonewalling statement is a great example of a parent in denial.

That is crap. I do not believe marital status is relevant. They lost nothing. At all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They love their children, but are too selfish to place their children’s best interests ahead of their own.

That's a good way to put it. But, I question how much you can love someone when you are that self-centered. And stop with this delusional mental gymnastics 'the affair saves my marriage' BS.

A parent's sex life has nothing to do with kids. An affair is prolonging the marriage. If it were not for kids, he would be gone. Why people don't get this is beyond me. OP--would you rather waste more time or leave now? That is your choice.

How can you say that something that threatens the stability of the household and finances has nothing to do with the kids? You’re just gambling that you won’t get caught. If you get caught cheating, you end up with a more acrimonious divorce and co-parenting relationship than you would have had without the cheating, which affects the kids. You mess up your spouse, which affects the kids. It’s easy to say that people who are having affairs are only staying “for the kids,” but plenty of childless people cheat on their spouses without leaving the marriage, so it’s more complicated than that.

+1

The cheating steals time, emotional investment and commitment to the kids/spouse. Nobody cheating is a nice person at home. They get very critical of their spouse and kids. You know? The barriers hindering their lifetime of infinite happiness with their lovers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They love their children, but are too selfish to place their children’s best interests ahead of their own.

That's a good way to put it. But, I question how much you can love someone when you are that self-centered. And stop with this delusional mental gymnastics 'the affair saves my marriage' BS.

A parent's sex life has nothing to do with kids. An affair is prolonging the marriage. If it were not for kids, he would be gone. Why people don't get this is beyond me. OP--would you rather waste more time or leave now? That is your choice.

How can you say that something that threatens the stability of the household and finances has nothing to do with the kids? You’re just gambling that you won’t get caught. If you get caught cheating, you end up with a more acrimonious divorce and co-parenting relationship than you would have had without the cheating, which affects the kids. You mess up your spouse, which affects the kids. It’s easy to say that people who are having affairs are only staying “for the kids,” but plenty of childless people cheat on their spouses without leaving the marriage, so it’s more complicated than that.

+1

The cheating steals time, emotional investment and commitment to the kids/spouse. Nobody cheating is a nice person at home. They get very critical of their spouse and kids. You know? The barriers hindering their lifetime of infinite happiness with their lovers.

This is too true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nobody ever admits that they regret it. If the impact on children is bad, they are in denial about it.

No regrets at all. My kids are fine. Minimal impact of divorce. It is not really a big deal unless people are immature and have a disaster of a divorce. If finances are maintained and parents are civil and coparent fine, divorce is not a big deal. Regret not doing it sooner.

See, that's what people say when they are in denial. Are some kids fine? Sure. But not as many as divorced people would have us believe.

No one is in denial. My kids have an infinitely better childhood than I had with miserably married parents. Had almost no impact on them at all. No financial impact, no moving, we are flexible in seeing them, 50/50 custody and not strict about days, no fighting, same neighborhood, same schools, same college fund, same retirement account. Lived as separate in the house years before divorce as well as separate holidays with our families...there has literally been almost zero impact...except they got an extra house 6 minutes away.

If they complain in the future, honestly, I am going to say "Cry me a river." I had an awful childhood despite the appearance that everything was fine. It was awful. My kids have two parents who love them who are not married. They lost nothing except us under the same roof. Hardly the end of the world.

Really?
They lost the model of a two parent house and marriage.
They lost stability.
They lost being able to go to one house for holidays and not have worry about who to choose and which parent will be upset.
They lost the being able to learn conflict resolution in relationships…
We can go on and on but they did lose. The fact that you don’t realize that says so much about you and your childhood.

They have a two-parent household—with house minutes apart.
They did not lose ANY stability.
We always did separate holidays. I did too—with married parents. Nothing changed on that front. We do birthdays together.
They did not lose conflict resolution skills. There was no fighting. There was silence, no speaking and no relationship whatsoever. Nothing changed on that front.
They did not lose a thing.

I do not believe a non-relationship marriage is a good model for children. I could care less if they ever marry. In 20 years, 30% of people will never marry. It is an outdated and not great institution. You seem to think marriage is some great model/ when it is good, that is fine. When it is abnormal, it is not.