Divorce with kids - do you regret it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nobody ever admits that they regret it. If the impact on children is bad, they are in denial about it.

No regrets at all. My kids are fine. Minimal impact of divorce. It is not really a big deal unless people are immature and have a disaster of a divorce. If finances are maintained and parents are civil and coparent fine, divorce is not a big deal. Regret not doing it sooner.

See, that's what people say when they are in denial. Are some kids fine? Sure. But not as many as divorced people would have us believe.

No one is in denial. My kids have an infinitely better childhood than I had with miserably married parents. Had almost no impact on them at all. No financial impact, no moving, we are flexible in seeing them, 50/50 custody and not strict about days, no fighting, same neighborhood, same schools, same college fund, same retirement account. Lived as separate in the house years before divorce as well as separate holidays with our families...there has literally been almost zero impact...except they got an extra house 6 minutes away.

If they complain in the future, honestly, I am going to say "Cry me a river." I had an awful childhood despite the appearance that everything was fine. It was awful. My kids have two parents who love them who are not married. They lost nothing except us under the same roof. Hardly the end of the world.

While it seems you had a “good divorce” the bolded makes me question you and your parenting. Just because kids aren’t in an abusive situation (which I would assume you were) doesn’t mean they won’t question things and may need counseling to deal. It’s sad that you are that unavailable to their thoughts

Stop assuming divorce is the worst. My kids are likely better off than yours. There is nothing to question. It was obvious it was not a normal marriage. We coparent fine. Most people are too emotionally immature to handle that.

Nope nothing to question here. I'm going to bet you were never able to question your parents and were given little sympathy growing up.
Good luck to you!

I did question my parents: I asked then to divorce when I was 8. They did not due to custody favoring the mother then and the stigma of divorce. It was a very bad childhood growing up with parents who clearly despised each other. I was not normalizing or repeating that pattern when I found myself in the same situation (but admittedly, I was pressured to marry and everyone said my doubts were wrong—they were not.) I won’t do that to my kids either. My kids are perfectly happy and fine with the divorce and don’t feel they “lost” anything—because they told me. So, you can remain on your high judgemental horse, which is completely wrong. The ridiculous “stigma” and assumptions has got to go. I got out of a bad (marriage) contract. That is it. Kids are fine with two parents and almost no change in their lives.

Right, I'm sure they told you the truth. They definitely weren't placating you because you'd act like a nut and refuse to accept their actual opinions if you were willing to hear them.

Thank you for providing a perfect illustration of a parent in denial of the impact of divorce.

It was the first time they brought emotions up. I did not ask. Kid literally said: “I am not sad. I did not lose anything.” But keep up your tragic divorce stigma…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nobody ever admits that they regret it. If the impact on children is bad, they are in denial about it.

No regrets at all. My kids are fine. Minimal impact of divorce. It is not really a big deal unless people are immature and have a disaster of a divorce. If finances are maintained and parents are civil and coparent fine, divorce is not a big deal. Regret not doing it sooner.

See, that's what people say when they are in denial. Are some kids fine? Sure. But not as many as divorced people would have us believe.

No one is in denial. My kids have an infinitely better childhood than I had with miserably married parents. Had almost no impact on them at all. No financial impact, no moving, we are flexible in seeing them, 50/50 custody and not strict about days, no fighting, same neighborhood, same schools, same college fund, same retirement account. Lived as separate in the house years before divorce as well as separate holidays with our families...there has literally been almost zero impact...except they got an extra house 6 minutes away.

If they complain in the future, honestly, I am going to say "Cry me a river." I had an awful childhood despite the appearance that everything was fine. It was awful. My kids have two parents who love them who are not married. They lost nothing except us under the same roof. Hardly the end of the world.

While it seems you had a “good divorce” the bolded makes me question you and your parenting. Just because kids aren’t in an abusive situation (which I would assume you were) doesn’t mean they won’t question things and may need counseling to deal. It’s sad that you are that unavailable to their thoughts

Stop assuming divorce is the worst. My kids are likely better off than yours. There is nothing to question. It was obvious it was not a normal marriage. We coparent fine. Most people are too emotionally immature to handle that.

Nope nothing to question here. I'm going to bet you were never able to question your parents and were given little sympathy growing up.
Good luck to you!

I did question my parents: I asked then to divorce when I was 8. They did not due to custody favoring the mother then and the stigma of divorce. It was a very bad childhood growing up with parents who clearly despised each other. I was not normalizing or repeating that pattern when I found myself in the same situation (but admittedly, I was pressured to marry and everyone said my doubts were wrong—they were not.) I won’t do that to my kids either. My kids are perfectly happy and fine with the divorce and don’t feel they “lost” anything—because they told me. So, you can remain on your high judgemental horse, which is completely wrong. The ridiculous “stigma” and assumptions has got to go. I got out of a bad (marriage) contract. That is it. Kids are fine with two parents and almost no change in their lives.

Right, I'm sure they told you the truth. They definitely weren't placating you because you'd act like a nut and refuse to accept their actual opinions if you were willing to hear them.

Thank you for providing a perfect illustration of a parent in denial of the impact of divorce.

It was the first time they brought emotions up. I did not ask. Kid literally said: “I am not sad. I did not lose anything.” But keep up your tragic divorce stigma…

I say this kindly: people who are secure in their choices and decisions don't feel the need to spend great amounts of time arguing with strangers on the internet about them. I would try to examine why this is triggering for you.

[Anonymous]

I honestly do not know ANYONE who regrets getting divorced except one person. And they ended up back together.

Divorce in most cases, especially now, can lead to a tremendous amount of personal growth and kids are often the beneficiaries of that.

I know plenty who wish they could divorce but don't, even if they have the finances and means.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nobody ever admits that they regret it. If the impact on children is bad, they are in denial about it.

No regrets at all. My kids are fine. Minimal impact of divorce. It is not really a big deal unless people are immature and have a disaster of a divorce. If finances are maintained and parents are civil and coparent fine, divorce is not a big deal. Regret not doing it sooner.

See, that's what people say when they are in denial. Are some kids fine? Sure. But not as many as divorced people would have us believe.

No one is in denial. My kids have an infinitely better childhood than I had with miserably married parents. Had almost no impact on them at all. No financial impact, no moving, we are flexible in seeing them, 50/50 custody and not strict about days, no fighting, same neighborhood, same schools, same college fund, same retirement account. Lived as separate in the house years before divorce as well as separate holidays with our families...there has literally been almost zero impact...except they got an extra house 6 minutes away.

If they complain in the future, honestly, I am going to say "Cry me a river." I had an awful childhood despite the appearance that everything was fine. It was awful. My kids have two parents who love them who are not married. They lost nothing except us under the same roof. Hardly the end of the world.

While it seems you had a “good divorce” the bolded makes me question you and your parenting. Just because kids aren’t in an abusive situation (which I would assume you were) doesn’t mean they won’t question things and may need counseling to deal. It’s sad that you are that unavailable to their thoughts

Stop assuming divorce is the worst. My kids are likely better off than yours. There is nothing to question. It was obvious it was not a normal marriage. We coparent fine. Most people are too emotionally immature to handle that.

Nope nothing to question here. I'm going to bet you were never able to question your parents and were given little sympathy growing up.
Good luck to you!

I did question my parents: I asked then to divorce when I was 8. They did not due to custody favoring the mother then and the stigma of divorce. It was a very bad childhood growing up with parents who clearly despised each other. I was not normalizing or repeating that pattern when I found myself in the same situation (but admittedly, I was pressured to marry and everyone said my doubts were wrong—they were not.) I won’t do that to my kids either. My kids are perfectly happy and fine with the divorce and don’t feel they “lost” anything—because they told me. So, you can remain on your high judgemental horse, which is completely wrong. The ridiculous “stigma” and assumptions has got to go. I got out of a bad (marriage) contract. That is it. Kids are fine with two parents and almost no change in their lives.

Right, I'm sure they told you the truth. They definitely weren't placating you because you'd act like a nut and refuse to accept their actual opinions if you were willing to hear them.

Thank you for providing a perfect illustration of a parent in denial of the impact of divorce.

It was the first time they brought emotions up. I did not ask. Kid literally said: “I am not sad. I did not lose anything.” But keep up your tragic divorce stigma…

I say this kindly: people who are secure in their choices and decisions don't feel the need to spend great amounts of time arguing with strangers on the internet about them. I would try to examine why this is triggering for you.

I am trying to reduce the stigma of divorce. Why married people think that they are superior infuriates me. You continue to perpetuate an idea of divorce that is not always the case.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nobody ever admits that they regret it. If the impact on children is bad, they are in denial about it.

No regrets at all. My kids are fine. Minimal impact of divorce. It is not really a big deal unless people are immature and have a disaster of a divorce. If finances are maintained and parents are civil and coparent fine, divorce is not a big deal. Regret not doing it sooner.

See, that's what people say when they are in denial. Are some kids fine? Sure. But not as many as divorced people would have us believe.

No one is in denial. My kids have an infinitely better childhood than I had with miserably married parents. Had almost no impact on them at all. No financial impact, no moving, we are flexible in seeing them, 50/50 custody and not strict about days, no fighting, same neighborhood, same schools, same college fund, same retirement account. Lived as separate in the house years before divorce as well as separate holidays with our families...there has literally been almost zero impact...except they got an extra house 6 minutes away.

If they complain in the future, honestly, I am going to say "Cry me a river." I had an awful childhood despite the appearance that everything was fine. It was awful. My kids have two parents who love them who are not married. They lost nothing except us under the same roof. Hardly the end of the world.

While it seems you had a “good divorce” the bolded makes me question you and your parenting. Just because kids aren’t in an abusive situation (which I would assume you were) doesn’t mean they won’t question things and may need counseling to deal. It’s sad that you are that unavailable to their thoughts

Stop assuming divorce is the worst. My kids are likely better off than yours. There is nothing to question. It was obvious it was not a normal marriage. We coparent fine. Most people are too emotionally immature to handle that.

Nope nothing to question here. I'm going to bet you were never able to question your parents and were given little sympathy growing up.
Good luck to you!

I did question my parents: I asked then to divorce when I was 8. They did not due to custody favoring the mother then and the stigma of divorce. It was a very bad childhood growing up with parents who clearly despised each other. I was not normalizing or repeating that pattern when I found myself in the same situation (but admittedly, I was pressured to marry and everyone said my doubts were wrong—they were not.) I won’t do that to my kids either. My kids are perfectly happy and fine with the divorce and don’t feel they “lost” anything—because they told me. So, you can remain on your high judgemental horse, which is completely wrong. The ridiculous “stigma” and assumptions has got to go. I got out of a bad (marriage) contract. That is it. Kids are fine with two parents and almost no change in their lives.

Right, I'm sure they told you the truth. They definitely weren't placating you because you'd act like a nut and refuse to accept their actual opinions if you were willing to hear them.

Thank you for providing a perfect illustration of a parent in denial of the impact of divorce.

It was the first time they brought emotions up. I did not ask. Kid literally said: “I am not sad. I did not lose anything.” But keep up your tragic divorce stigma…

I say this kindly: people who are secure in their choices and decisions don't feel the need to spend great amounts of time arguing with strangers on the internet about them. I would try to examine why this is triggering for you.

I am trying to reduce the stigma of divorce. Why married people think that they are superior infuriates me. You continue to perpetuate an idea of divorce that is not always the case.

People tend to like loyalty and dislike quitters with bad judgment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nobody ever admits that they regret it. If the impact on children is bad, they are in denial about it.

No regrets at all. My kids are fine. Minimal impact of divorce. It is not really a big deal unless people are immature and have a disaster of a divorce. If finances are maintained and parents are civil and coparent fine, divorce is not a big deal. Regret not doing it sooner.

See, that's what people say when they are in denial. Are some kids fine? Sure. But not as many as divorced people would have us believe.

No one is in denial. My kids have an infinitely better childhood than I had with miserably married parents. Had almost no impact on them at all. No financial impact, no moving, we are flexible in seeing them, 50/50 custody and not strict about days, no fighting, same neighborhood, same schools, same college fund, same retirement account. Lived as separate in the house years before divorce as well as separate holidays with our families...there has literally been almost zero impact...except they got an extra house 6 minutes away.

If they complain in the future, honestly, I am going to say "Cry me a river." I had an awful childhood despite the appearance that everything was fine. It was awful. My kids have two parents who love them who are not married. They lost nothing except us under the same roof. Hardly the end of the world.

While it seems you had a “good divorce” the bolded makes me question you and your parenting. Just because kids aren’t in an abusive situation (which I would assume you were) doesn’t mean they won’t question things and may need counseling to deal. It’s sad that you are that unavailable to their thoughts

Stop assuming divorce is the worst. My kids are likely better off than yours. There is nothing to question. It was obvious it was not a normal marriage. We coparent fine. Most people are too emotionally immature to handle that.

Nope nothing to question here. I'm going to bet you were never able to question your parents and were given little sympathy growing up.
Good luck to you!

I did question my parents: I asked then to divorce when I was 8. They did not due to custody favoring the mother then and the stigma of divorce. It was a very bad childhood growing up with parents who clearly despised each other. I was not normalizing or repeating that pattern when I found myself in the same situation (but admittedly, I was pressured to marry and everyone said my doubts were wrong—they were not.) I won’t do that to my kids either. My kids are perfectly happy and fine with the divorce and don’t feel they “lost” anything—because they told me. So, you can remain on your high judgemental horse, which is completely wrong. The ridiculous “stigma” and assumptions has got to go. I got out of a bad (marriage) contract. That is it. Kids are fine with two parents and almost no change in their lives.

Right, I'm sure they told you the truth. They definitely weren't placating you because you'd act like a nut and refuse to accept their actual opinions if you were willing to hear them.

Thank you for providing a perfect illustration of a parent in denial of the impact of divorce.

It was the first time they brought emotions up. I did not ask. Kid literally said: “I am not sad. I did not lose anything.” But keep up your tragic divorce stigma…

I say this kindly: people who are secure in their choices and decisions don't feel the need to spend great amounts of time arguing with strangers on the internet about them. I would try to examine why this is triggering for you.

I am trying to reduce the stigma of divorce. Why married people think that they are superior infuriates me. You continue to perpetuate an idea of divorce that is not always the case.

People tend to like loyalty and dislike quitters with bad judgment.

That attitude kept me in a horrible marriage for a decade when I 1) did not want to marry and 2) wanted to divorce immediately before kids. Old fashioned BS. I was miserable being controlled and emotionally abused for 10 years before “quitting”; yes, I made a mistake. I should not have to suffer for life for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nobody ever admits that they regret it. If the impact on children is bad, they are in denial about it.

No regrets at all. My kids are fine. Minimal impact of divorce. It is not really a big deal unless people are immature and have a disaster of a divorce. If finances are maintained and parents are civil and coparent fine, divorce is not a big deal. Regret not doing it sooner.

See, that's what people say when they are in denial. Are some kids fine? Sure. But not as many as divorced people would have us believe.

No one is in denial. My kids have an infinitely better childhood than I had with miserably married parents. Had almost no impact on them at all. No financial impact, no moving, we are flexible in seeing them, 50/50 custody and not strict about days, no fighting, same neighborhood, same schools, same college fund, same retirement account. Lived as separate in the house years before divorce as well as separate holidays with our families...there has literally been almost zero impact...except they got an extra house 6 minutes away.

If they complain in the future, honestly, I am going to say "Cry me a river." I had an awful childhood despite the appearance that everything was fine. It was awful. My kids have two parents who love them who are not married. They lost nothing except us under the same roof. Hardly the end of the world.

While it seems you had a “good divorce” the bolded makes me question you and your parenting. Just because kids aren’t in an abusive situation (which I would assume you were) doesn’t mean they won’t question things and may need counseling to deal. It’s sad that you are that unavailable to their thoughts

Stop assuming divorce is the worst. My kids are likely better off than yours. There is nothing to question. It was obvious it was not a normal marriage. We coparent fine. Most people are too emotionally immature to handle that.

Nope nothing to question here. I'm going to bet you were never able to question your parents and were given little sympathy growing up.
Good luck to you!

I did question my parents: I asked then to divorce when I was 8. They did not due to custody favoring the mother then and the stigma of divorce. It was a very bad childhood growing up with parents who clearly despised each other. I was not normalizing or repeating that pattern when I found myself in the same situation (but admittedly, I was pressured to marry and everyone said my doubts were wrong—they were not.) I won’t do that to my kids either. My kids are perfectly happy and fine with the divorce and don’t feel they “lost” anything—because they told me. So, you can remain on your high judgemental horse, which is completely wrong. The ridiculous “stigma” and assumptions has got to go. I got out of a bad (marriage) contract. That is it. Kids are fine with two parents and almost no change in their lives.

Right, I'm sure they told you the truth. They definitely weren't placating you because you'd act like a nut and refuse to accept their actual opinions if you were willing to hear them.

Thank you for providing a perfect illustration of a parent in denial of the impact of divorce.

It was the first time they brought emotions up. I did not ask. Kid literally said: “I am not sad. I did not lose anything.” But keep up your tragic divorce stigma…

I say this kindly: people who are secure in their choices and decisions don't feel the need to spend great amounts of time arguing with strangers on the internet about them. I would try to examine why this is triggering for you.

I am trying to reduce the stigma of divorce. Why married people think that they are superior infuriates me. You continue to perpetuate an idea of divorce that is not always the case.

1. You have no idea what my situation is
2. You can reduce the stigma of divorce by BEING HONEST, which you are choosing not to be. Pretending everything is exactly the same is just factually incorrect, so why should we take your word on anything?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nobody ever admits that they regret it. If the impact on children is bad, they are in denial about it.

No regrets at all. My kids are fine. Minimal impact of divorce. It is not really a big deal unless people are immature and have a disaster of a divorce. If finances are maintained and parents are civil and coparent fine, divorce is not a big deal. Regret not doing it sooner.

See, that's what people say when they are in denial. Are some kids fine? Sure. But not as many as divorced people would have us believe.

No one is in denial. My kids have an infinitely better childhood than I had with miserably married parents. Had almost no impact on them at all. No financial impact, no moving, we are flexible in seeing them, 50/50 custody and not strict about days, no fighting, same neighborhood, same schools, same college fund, same retirement account. Lived as separate in the house years before divorce as well as separate holidays with our families...there has literally been almost zero impact...except they got an extra house 6 minutes away.

If they complain in the future, honestly, I am going to say "Cry me a river." I had an awful childhood despite the appearance that everything was fine. It was awful. My kids have two parents who love them who are not married. They lost nothing except us under the same roof. Hardly the end of the world.

While it seems you had a “good divorce” the bolded makes me question you and your parenting. Just because kids aren’t in an abusive situation (which I would assume you were) doesn’t mean they won’t question things and may need counseling to deal. It’s sad that you are that unavailable to their thoughts

Stop assuming divorce is the worst. My kids are likely better off than yours. There is nothing to question. It was obvious it was not a normal marriage. We coparent fine. Most people are too emotionally immature to handle that.

Nope nothing to question here. I'm going to bet you were never able to question your parents and were given little sympathy growing up.
Good luck to you!

I did question my parents: I asked then to divorce when I was 8. They did not due to custody favoring the mother then and the stigma of divorce. It was a very bad childhood growing up with parents who clearly despised each other. I was not normalizing or repeating that pattern when I found myself in the same situation (but admittedly, I was pressured to marry and everyone said my doubts were wrong—they were not.) I won’t do that to my kids either. My kids are perfectly happy and fine with the divorce and don’t feel they “lost” anything—because they told me. So, you can remain on your high judgemental horse, which is completely wrong. The ridiculous “stigma” and assumptions has got to go. I got out of a bad (marriage) contract. That is it. Kids are fine with two parents and almost no change in their lives.

Right, I'm sure they told you the truth. They definitely weren't placating you because you'd act like a nut and refuse to accept their actual opinions if you were willing to hear them.

Thank you for providing a perfect illustration of a parent in denial of the impact of divorce.

It was the first time they brought emotions up. I did not ask. Kid literally said: “I am not sad. I did not lose anything.” But keep up your tragic divorce stigma…

I say this kindly: people who are secure in their choices and decisions don't feel the need to spend great amounts of time arguing with strangers on the internet about them. I would try to examine why this is triggering for you.

I am trying to reduce the stigma of divorce. Why married people think that they are superior infuriates me. You continue to perpetuate an idea of divorce that is not always the case.

1. You have no idea what my situation is
2. You can reduce the stigma of divorce by BEING HONEST, which you are choosing not to be. Pretending everything is exactly the same is just factually incorrect, so why should we take your word on anything?

What part of one thing changed do you not understand. My kids got an extra house. There literally is nothing different for them. I said write a list and I’ll tell you what changed because nothing dead I said write a list and I’ll tell you what changed because nothing did for them. Not really. Normal is relative and so is change stop assuming that there was a massive change just because there was a divorce it literally is a legal piece of paper. Yes there are two houses with the interactions in the houses are exactly the same as before because we live separately in the same house for the entire marriage there are no memories of us doing stuff together we’re having dinner together we’re going to family stuff together we did all of that separately. I did all the parenting until a certain age and then he chipped in so by the time we were divorced they were used to us being completely separate because they have no memory of us even sharing a room together so stop making assumptions about other peoples divorces! Have the same amount of time and the same amount of money we just have two houses six minutes apart.

[Anonymous]

My point and posting is to make people understand that all the terrible things people say happen in divorce do not necessarily happen in divorce because in my scenario almost nothing changed for my kids. There’s none of the terrible things that people say they’re always are and that was my point. Mom and dad sleep in two different household that’s the only thing that’s different. Same school same schedule same college savings and retirement accounts savings same holiday schedule and on and on and on. Parents don’t spend any time together just like the marriage. No change. I don’t think marital status and counts as much as people think it is because I really think it’s just the parenting and the legally married status is completely irrelevant. Sorry for those if you have emotionally mature spouses who can’t handle being logical and keeping things as close to possible as it was in the marriage after a divorce it took us a few years to do it this way but it’s completely fine. Unfortunately, I do have to tell my kids this is not like most divorces.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My point and posting is to make people understand that all the terrible things people say happen in divorce do not necessarily happen in divorce because in my scenario almost nothing changed for my kids. There’s none of the terrible things that people say they’re always are and that was my point. Mom and dad sleep in two different household that’s the only thing that’s different. Same school same schedule same college savings and retirement accounts savings same holiday schedule and on and on and on. Parents don’t spend any time together just like the marriage. No change. I don’t think marital status and counts as much as people think it is because I really think it’s just the parenting and the legally married status is completely irrelevant. Sorry for those if you have emotionally mature spouses who can’t handle being logical and keeping things as close to possible as it was in the marriage after a divorce it took us a few years to do it this way but it’s completely fine. Unfortunately, I do have to tell my kids this is not like most divorces.

Do you and your spouse spend every Holiday together with the kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My point and posting is to make people understand that all the terrible things people say happen in divorce do not necessarily happen in divorce because in my scenario almost nothing changed for my kids. There’s none of the terrible things that people say they’re always are and that was my point. Mom and dad sleep in two different household that’s the only thing that’s different. Same school same schedule same college savings and retirement accounts savings same holiday schedule and on and on and on. Parents don’t spend any time together just like the marriage. No change. I don’t think marital status and counts as much as people think it is because I really think it’s just the parenting and the legally married status is completely irrelevant. Sorry for those if you have emotionally mature spouses who can’t handle being logical and keeping things as close to possible as it was in the marriage after a divorce it took us a few years to do it this way but it’s completely fine. Unfortunately, I do have to tell my kids this is not like most divorces.

Your children lost the privilege of living in one house with their parents. They lost time with their parents. If you made a bad decision about who to have children with and your marriage was really that bad, I'm sorry for you and your children. But I really don't understand how you can operate two homes rather than one without a financial impact. And I'm really perplexed that you say the holiday schedule has not changed.

What about the few years in which you were not doing it "this way"? Those years were part of your children's childhood too, and whatever they missed out on or lost during those years can't be gotten back. That time is gone.

[Anonymous]

People who think stigma is 100% bad in all cases don't understand human nature and the importance of cultural norms. Stop stigmatizing everything and see where it gets you.

It's okay for divorce when you have children to be viewed negatively. It's freakin' negative.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nobody ever admits that they regret it. If the impact on children is bad, they are in denial about it.

No regrets at all. My kids are fine. Minimal impact of divorce. It is not really a big deal unless people are immature and have a disaster of a divorce. If finances are maintained and parents are civil and coparent fine, divorce is not a big deal. Regret not doing it sooner.

See, that's what people say when they are in denial. Are some kids fine? Sure. But not as many as divorced people would have us believe.

No one is in denial. My kids have an infinitely better childhood than I had with miserably married parents. Had almost no impact on them at all. No financial impact, no moving, we are flexible in seeing them, 50/50 custody and not strict about days, no fighting, same neighborhood, same schools, same college fund, same retirement account. Lived as separate in the house years before divorce as well as separate holidays with our families...there has literally been almost zero impact...except they got an extra house 6 minutes away.

If they complain in the future, honestly, I am going to say "Cry me a river." I had an awful childhood despite the appearance that everything was fine. It was awful. My kids have two parents who love them who are not married. They lost nothing except us under the same roof. Hardly the end of the world.

I vividly remember making a conscious decision to "choose" my dad and basically agree with dad and stepmom to reject mom because it made my life a hell of a lot easier. Kids will say what you want them to say.
While it seems you had a “good divorce” the bolded makes me question you and your parenting. Just because kids aren’t in an abusive situation (which I would assume you were) doesn’t mean they won’t question things and may need counseling to deal. It’s sad that you are that unavailable to their thoughts

Stop assuming divorce is the worst. My kids are likely better off than yours. There is nothing to question. It was obvious it was not a normal marriage. We coparent fine. Most people are too emotionally immature to handle that.

Nope nothing to question here. I'm going to bet you were never able to question your parents and were given little sympathy growing up.
Good luck to you!

I did question my parents: I asked then to divorce when I was 8. They did not due to custody favoring the mother then and the stigma of divorce. It was a very bad childhood growing up with parents who clearly despised each other. I was not normalizing or repeating that pattern when I found myself in the same situation (but admittedly, I was pressured to marry and everyone said my doubts were wrong—they were not.) I won’t do that to my kids either. My kids are perfectly happy and fine with the divorce and don’t feel they “lost” anything—because they told me. So, you can remain on your high judgemental horse, which is completely wrong. The ridiculous “stigma” and assumptions has got to go. I got out of a bad (marriage) contract. That is it. Kids are fine with two parents and almost no change in their lives.

Right, I'm sure they told you the truth. They definitely weren't placating you because you'd act like a nut and refuse to accept their actual opinions if you were willing to hear them.

Thank you for providing a perfect illustration of a parent in denial of the impact of divorce.

It was the first time they brought emotions up. I did not ask. Kid literally said: “I am not sad. I did not lose anything.” But keep up your tragic divorce stigma…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People who think stigma is 100% bad in all cases don't understand human nature and the importance of cultural norms. Stop stigmatizing everything and see where it gets you.

It's okay for divorce when you have children to be viewed negatively. It's freakin' negative.

I disagree. The stigma hurts kids.

These discussions always seem to overlook the fact that there are plenty of unhealthy and dangerous marriages that hurt kids too. It’s all a crapshoot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People who think stigma is 100% bad in all cases don't understand human nature and the importance of cultural norms. Stop stigmatizing everything and see where it gets you.

It's okay for divorce when you have children to be viewed negatively. It's freakin' negative.

The age of the kids when the divorce(s) happens/happen correlates to how the kids are able to integrate the information (about adults' relationships and their physical security) into their understanding of themselves. A 2yo will have a different ability to understand than the 16yo.

The kids also will be impacted by who the adults in their lives then add to their lives. For example, do the divorced parents find exact replacements for their Xs or do they find 'better' or 'worse' replacements?

An 8yo absolutely can understand that the primary adults in their life are fighting and that they (the 8yo) has a problem that needs to be addressed and resolved.

It's equally interesting to see all the responses to the person who is open about being an ACOD and having kids who now will be as well. Many people sincerely try to improve the lives of their children. Many people sincerely try to have better marriages than their parents did. Some people sincerely try to replicate their childhoods and their parents' marriages. We all have Achilles heels and blind spots that can only be identified and understood through the prism of time and reflection.

Suffering cannot be guaranteed to be prevented by staying married or getting divorced.