Divorce with kids - do you regret it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They love their children, but are too selfish to place their children’s best interests ahead of their own.

That's a good way to put it. But, I question how much you can love someone when you are that self-centered. And stop with this delusional mental gymnastics 'the affair saves my marriage' BS.

A parent's sex life has nothing to do with kids. An affair is prolonging the marriage. If it were not for kids, he would be gone. Why people don't get this is beyond me. OP--would you rather waste more time or leave now? That is your choice.

[Anonymous]

Ge divorced now. Your kids will adjust. Its not any better when they are older.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nobody ever admits that they regret it. If the impact on children is bad, they are in denial about it.

No regrets at all. My kids are fine. Minimal impact of divorce. It is not really a big deal unless people are immature and have a disaster of a divorce. If finances are maintained and parents are civil and coparent fine, divorce is not a big deal. Regret not doing it sooner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do not regret it, but I also do not regret trying very, very hard to save the marriage. My conscience is clear and I can tell the children I really tried. I am an ACOD and understand the difficulties it will pose for my kids throughout their lives, so I could never be cavalier about my own divorce.

I also do not regret that I waited until the kids were older and I had my ducks in a row financially. With little kids it would be really, really hard, harder than my specific marriage was at the time.

OP here -- I guess that's where I'm going with the question. If divorce is in the cards, the balance of how much i'm willing to compromise on my happiness with what my kids need and can comprehend. I hear of women who "wait until kids out of the house" -- but I don't know that I could sign up for that. That said, like you, I have been and will continue to try very hard to save the marriage. The problem is that is a two person job and I don't think my husband realizes we are circling the drain.

Well, you know, everyone's situation is unique. I definitely know people who stayed together until the kids were out of the house, and I think that can be a practical choice. Then you're both free to move without regard to school districts and day-to-day custody-sharing logistics.

Some people just really don't want to miss out on time with their kids, other people don't mind or know they would get enough time. Or they're waiting until at least one kid can handle their own school commute. Don't underestimate the logistical questions when you're dealing solo with your kids and have to take them to two different schools. Don't be over-optimistic about how long all of this stuff is going to take you, OP. It's easy to say "I want a divorce." It's not so easy to work it through the legal process, nor to prep your house to sell, actually sell it, and find a new home that you like. It really just depends on your own situation, but in my experience it's a slow process. You may not want to pull the trigger, in terms of telling the kids etc., until you and your STBX have these matters under control and teed up for resolution. I've definitely known people who didn't think they could stand to wait for X amount of time, but it turned out to take that long, so they had to.

Most people sell the house but not everyone does. In my situation one of us kept it and in two other divorces I know of. If you can handle the logistics aspects, it is really not that bad. It can be long (it took years for me to divorce but it was worth it...logistics was the hardest part...and covid did not help).

[Anonymous]

Logistics of divorcing or logistics of living /custody schedules?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Logistics of divorcing or logistics of living /custody schedules?

Logistics meaning housing. Figuring out how one person could keep the house and the other person finding a nearby house. Custody scheduling not a big deal. The tight housing market and being limited to a certain radius to minimize change was hard and took a long time. Everything else was easy. People act like divorce is super hard. It is really not. Logistics of where to live with kids though in a tight housing market...that is hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Logistics of divorcing or logistics of living /custody schedules?

Logistics meaning housing. Figuring out how one person could keep the house and the other person finding a nearby house. Custody scheduling not a big deal. The tight housing market and being limited to a certain radius to minimize change was hard and took a long time. Everything else was easy. People act like divorce is super hard. It is really not. Logistics of where to live with kids though in a tight housing market...that is hard.

You might be the exception. This has not been the experience of friends and family who’ve divorced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nobody ever admits that they regret it. If the impact on children is bad, they are in denial about it.

No regrets at all. My kids are fine. Minimal impact of divorce. It is not really a big deal unless people are immature and have a disaster of a divorce. If finances are maintained and parents are civil and coparent fine, divorce is not a big deal. Regret not doing it sooner.

If it’s all so good then probably they can also work together to fix their marriage. No?

[Anonymous]

Sorry OP, but your husband doesn't care about you going by all you posted. I would really get myself into a good position. It's only a matter of time before he cheats again if he hasn't already. You seem to be the type to put your head in the sand and I'm afraid one day he will take you by surprise. Meaning he will leave for OW. The only other thing I can suggest is giving him a ultimatum. That you both go to counseling and in no certain terms if he had another affair emotional and otherwise you will swiftly divorce him. He also has to be a open book. No secrecy, etc.
I would also check up on him, and NEVER take him at his word. Also, no women that are friends with him unless they are both of your friends, and she also has a spouse.
OP I think you need to work on your back bone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nobody ever admits that they regret it. If the impact on children is bad, they are in denial about it.

Agree. It would take a great deal of humility, the likes of which are not frequently found on DCUM

💯

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Logistics of divorcing or logistics of living /custody schedules?

Logistics meaning housing. Figuring out how one person could keep the house and the other person finding a nearby house. Custody scheduling not a big deal. The tight housing market and being limited to a certain radius to minimize change was hard and took a long time. Everything else was easy. People act like divorce is super hard. It is really not. Logistics of where to live with kids though in a tight housing market...that is hard.

It’s hell in earth with a high conflict mentally ill person, who only responds if court ordered.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Logistics of divorcing or logistics of living /custody schedules?

Logistics meaning housing. Figuring out how one person could keep the house and the other person finding a nearby house. Custody scheduling not a big deal. The tight housing market and being limited to a certain radius to minimize change was hard and took a long time. Everything else was easy. People act like divorce is super hard. It is really not. Logistics of where to live with kids though in a tight housing market...that is hard.

Logistics like how you will do the school commute alone on your custody days. With one kid it's easy but what if you have three or four?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They love their children, but are too selfish to place their children’s best interests ahead of their own.

That's a good way to put it. But, I question how much you can love someone when you are that self-centered. And stop with this delusional mental gymnastics 'the affair saves my marriage' BS.

A parent's sex life has nothing to do with kids. An affair is prolonging the marriage. If it were not for kids, he would be gone. Why people don't get this is beyond me. OP--would you rather waste more time or leave now? That is your choice.

How can you say that something that threatens the stability of the household and finances has nothing to do with the kids? You’re just gambling that you won’t get caught. If you get caught cheating, you end up with a more acrimonious divorce and co-parenting relationship than you would have had without the cheating, which affects the kids. You mess up your spouse, which affects the kids. It’s easy to say that people who are having affairs are only staying “for the kids,” but plenty of childless people cheat on their spouses without leaving the marriage, so it’s more complicated than that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nobody ever admits that they regret it. If the impact on children is bad, they are in denial about it.

No regrets at all. My kids are fine. Minimal impact of divorce. It is not really a big deal unless people are immature and have a disaster of a divorce. If finances are maintained and parents are civil and coparent fine, divorce is not a big deal. Regret not doing it sooner.

If it’s all so good then probably they can also work together to fix their marriage. No?

No. Some marriages are not really marrriages and are not fixable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Logistics of divorcing or logistics of living /custody schedules?

Logistics meaning housing. Figuring out how one person could keep the house and the other person finding a nearby house. Custody scheduling not a big deal. The tight housing market and being limited to a certain radius to minimize change was hard and took a long time. Everything else was easy. People act like divorce is super hard. It is really not. Logistics of where to live with kids though in a tight housing market...that is hard.

Logistics like how you will do the school commute alone on your custody days. With one kid it's easy but what if you have three or four?

I have two. It is not that hard. Working full time with infants, toddlers, preschoolsers and kindergarten was hard. Divorce is not hard. In fact, it is much much easier than being married two an ex-husband to literally did ZERO until divorce was happening when kids hit elementary school.